Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-21-2013, 08:10 PM
SweetSurrender's Avatar
SweetSurrender SweetSurrender is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Southwest
Posts: 12
Default Get some coffee, this may take a moment.

Hello. I figured that while I continued to meander through the mass of information that is contained on this site I would take a moment to say a bit about myself. I have researched (online mostly) polyamory a great deal over the past 11 years. Similarly, I have looked into bisexuality and BDSM.
I was always interested in women but from a young age growing up in a very religious and conservative part of the south, I was told that my future would be a man, marriage and children. Even through elementary grades I developed crushes on boys as that was accepted but constantly wanted a romantic connection to my girlfriends. After some very uncomfortable conversations of my friends telling me I was too close and wanted too much from them, I began to withdraw. Most of the latter part of my school years I wouldn’t even let people touch me casually since I was always ashamed of my sexual interests which now included both sexes and simply added to the confusion in my head.
At 20, I married the first man I dated seriously and who took my virginity. 12 years later it derailed mostly because I was generally unhappy but the final blows came over the aspect of my wanting to explore polyamory. When given the go ahead to pursue a poly lifestyle, he then became angry, began cheating and became abusive but insisted the marriage continue. Thankfully, I was able to untangle myself from him.
I am currently on my second monogamous marriage with children. Have I removed my poly nature? No. Have I removed my interests in women? No. Will I begin to completely unravel my second relationship with a wonderful man that will not allow me to be who I am? There seems to be a greater chance now that I am here and as my name suggests have allowed myself to surrender to who I am and what I want.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-22-2013, 03:12 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default

Welcome to the forum! I hope you get a lot of feedback and support here! It certainly may not be necessary to unravel your primary relationship in order to pursue a poly lifestyle. Takes things slowly and deliberately.

My philosophy is that if the lifestyle can be beneficial to everyone involved then the chance of it being embraced increases.

First I had to explain the lifestyle to him and in a way that he can relate to. This took time. I could tell when he was staring to like the idea of it.

In my neck of the woods (also the conservative South) the lifestyle is easier for women, so I focus on supporting my partner and assisting him in his own efforts to create the type of poly life that he desires. As long as he is enjoying his poly life, he is supportive of my poly life.

There have been times when I basically put my poly life on hold for short periods of time in order to support and assist him in creating his.

This has worked well for us. I have suggested this approach to a few women that I know and when they started focusing on what type of poly identity and life their husbands wanted and remaining supportive of that- things improved for them as a couple.

Good luck and keep posting!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-22-2013, 05:36 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,262
Default

Welcome to the board. Lots of information and lots of opportunity for creative ideas.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-22-2013, 06:16 AM
SweetSurrender's Avatar
SweetSurrender SweetSurrender is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Southwest
Posts: 12
Default

Thank you both for the warm welcome. I have been reading so much over the past few days I am not even sure what is what anymore.

Idealist - I just meant that the last mono relationship I attempted to make my true feelings known to did not end well. Sort of funny though, I did tell the current one about my desires to have more in relationships and at first he did seem open to the concept. Over time though, his insecurities and jealousy have gotten the better of him. I am hoping that I can learn, as you mentioned, how to make it clear to him just how beneficial it can be. What is better than a happy SO.

Also, in the city I live in now, it is very hard to meet people that are like minded. Most tend to just be looking for the cheating while keeping the home fires burning, blissfully unaware. I have not been able to find many that are similar to myself.
__________________
How sweet the words of Truth, breathed from the lips of Love.

~James Beattie
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-22-2013, 07:07 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,262
Default

Galagirls blog may interest you in regards to dealing with a mono spouse.
There are many threads regarding jealousy, honesty and meeting people too. You can use the search feature to seek threads on topics of specific interest.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-22-2013, 09:11 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,985
Default

Greetings SweetSurrender,
Welcome to our forum.

You'll have to make your own decisions as to how to conduct your own life, and communicate those to your husband as best you can. Is this a road to divorce? I don't know. You can explain to him that he can seek out additional partners as well, but not all spouses are interested in that. Some just want to stick with the one person they married.

If that be the case, you could tell him you've decided to live polyamorously, and he can support your decision or not support it. Some mono/poly relationships do succeed, but your situation is your own.

I hope Polyamory.com is helpful in giving you ideas of how to navigate the uncertain waters you're sailing in. Let us know of your thoughts, questions, or concerns.

I agree that you just have to be yourself in the end.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-22-2013, 09:31 PM
SweetSurrender's Avatar
SweetSurrender SweetSurrender is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Southwest
Posts: 12
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Greetings SweetSurrender,
Welcome to our forum.

You'll have to make your own decisions as to how to conduct your own life, and communicate those to your husband as best you can. Is this a road to divorce? I don't know. You can explain to him that he can seek out additional partners as well, but not all spouses are interested in that. Some just want to stick with the one person they married.

If that be the case, you could tell him you've decided to live polyamorously, and he can support your decision or not support it. Some mono/poly relationships do succeed, but your situation is your own.

I hope Polyamory.com is helpful in giving you ideas of how to navigate the uncertain waters you're sailing in. Let us know of your thoughts, questions, or concerns.

I agree that you just have to be yourself in the end.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I agree. At this point he is adamant that he would not want to be physical with anyone else. Previously though, he has dabbled in emotional connections with people. I think given the right environment he may be more open than he realizes.

It looks like with all the variety of people here it should be a great growth experience. Gets very lonely to be so different from those around you. Each day wanting to just scream out, "yeah, I am different, YOU have to learn to deal with me instead of it being the other way around!"
__________________
How sweet the words of Truth, breathed from the lips of Love.

~James Beattie
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-22-2013, 09:54 PM
PolyPaganHim PolyPaganHim is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 13
Default

Im fairly new to this, but as a person, who has recently gone from a mono relationship to a poly one, honesty and frankness is the best way. Explaining how you feel will go farther then just an "Im going to do this. Wheather you like it or not". Again, Im new, but in any situation, in any relationship ultimatums typically dont work. Someone always will feel trapped, and feel their feelings dont matter. he may just have the posessivness feeling that we have been trained to have. My wife and I talked on this point the other day.

From infants were taught not to share. If a sibling takes a toy from the baby, we take the toy away and give it back to the baby, telling the sibling, "Thats the babys toy" This then is learned. When it happens again, the baby will cry. Then when were toddlers we are then scolded for not sharing. This breeds confusion.

In relationships, we have been taught 1 partner 1 love. Having other realtions out side of your current one is wrong. Thats how country singers make their money. As ingrained as this reaction is, it may be hard for him to wrap his head around it. He may be feeling inadaquate, angry, confused.

A good honest open talk, allowing him to share his feelings on the subject. Sometimes this is all it takes to move forward. If he feels hes not going to lose you, and your marriage isnt going to suffer he may come around.

So take this with a grain of salt. I dont have much experience in poly relationships, but I do know a bit about communication. No problem ever fixes itself. You have to communicate.

Hope ive been helpful
__________________
Drive it like you stole it. Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like its the last thing you will ever do.- Me
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-23-2013, 12:25 AM
SweetSurrender's Avatar
SweetSurrender SweetSurrender is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Southwest
Posts: 12
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyPaganHim View Post
Im fairly new to this, but as a person, who has recently gone from a mono relationship to a poly one, honesty and frankness is the best way. Explaining how you feel will go farther then just an "Im going to do this. Wheather you like it or not". Again, Im new, but in any situation, in any relationship ultimatums typically dont work. Someone always will feel trapped, and feel their feelings dont matter. he may just have the posessivness feeling that we have been trained to have. My wife and I talked on this point the other day.

From infants were taught not to share. If a sibling takes a toy from the baby, we take the toy away and give it back to the baby, telling the sibling, "Thats the babys toy" This then is learned. When it happens again, the baby will cry. Then when were toddlers we are then scolded for not sharing. This breeds confusion.

In relationships, we have been taught 1 partner 1 love. Having other realtions out side of your current one is wrong. Thats how country singers make their money. As ingrained as this reaction is, it may be hard for him to wrap his head around it. He may be feeling inadaquate, angry, confused.

A good honest open talk, allowing him to share his feelings on the subject. Sometimes this is all it takes to move forward. If he feels hes not going to lose you, and your marriage isnt going to suffer he may come around.

So take this with a grain of salt. I dont have much experience in poly relationships, but I do know a bit about communication. No problem ever fixes itself. You have to communicate.

Hope ive been helpful

Thank you. It is always helpful when others provide their insight into things. I often wonder if I should have made this more of a "deal breaker" issue right from the start. I felt this way before so I am unsure of why I thought I would be able to suppress it.

I guess my biggest hurdle at this point is getting him to discuss it in a "real" way. Most times he has no problem with the "idea" of things but when it comes down to actually putting rules into place or making things happen, he folds.

If you are unable to offer ultimatums then how do you get what you want? I mean in the nicest way possible you have attempted to get them to understand and this is just a hard limit for them. Ultimately, it would lead to divorce unless I can put a lid on it. Right?? (For anyone in general I pose this last bit.)
__________________
How sweet the words of Truth, breathed from the lips of Love.

~James Beattie
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 08-23-2013, 10:36 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,985
Default

Certainly ultimatums are not the way to start the conversation, but sometimes they become inevitable at the end of many painstaking coversations over a long period of time.

Sometimes two people are good for each other, sometimes they are not good for each other. In the latter case, it isn't an act of kindness to keep trying to stay together indefinitely. Better is to shoot for an amicable separation, and remain friends.

Only you can decide if/when you've really done all you could within reason to explain your position to your husband, to whatever extent he's willing to listen (and work with you). I don't have any magic formulas for getting a monogamous spouse to tolerate polyamory. You talk, you plead, you explain, you ask them to read books and articles, and ultimately you ask them to set ground rules as necessary and give you the go-ahead to give polyamory a try. If they can't do that, if it's just not within their range of ability, you don't try to force them.

I suppose you could ask your husband to join this forum, read some threads, and post some of his concerns. I don't know whether it would help. There's a Golden Nuggets board he could look at. It explains a lot of the basics.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:14 PM.