Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-22-2013, 08:02 PM
marisatw marisatw is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2
Exclamation Opening up a long term relationship. Advice?

I've been with my partner for over four years. We have been very committed and loving. We have been sometimes long distance as well because I attend college. Also my partner is male and I am female. He brought up the idea of becoming physically open on our relationship. I have identified as queer for a while and so the idea is that we would pursue same sex flings outside of our relationship but only physically. I've never been with anyone but him and I'm excited he suggested this. But I trepidous about having casual sex. I think this will strengthen our relationship but I'm not sure how to transition to causal sex with others without guilt, and how to even have casual sex which I thought I would never have! I want to be clear, I want this, I'm just nervous and could use some ideas/stories/advice or anything on how to strike out on this new adventure.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-22-2013, 08:28 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 744
Default

Talk. Talk. Talk. Make absolutely sure you two are on the same page; don't assume.

Where does your sense of guilt originate?

Be aware that sometimes casual flings turn into some thing more intense. What are you going to do if you get attached to your new sexual partners? Some people can maintain casual; some people can't. While you probably don't know into which camp you fall since this is new, it might be a good topic for discussion in case either of you end up feeling intensely about another person.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-22-2013, 08:33 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Default

you say your in college, college is all about experimentation. go to parties (responsibly) talk to people, etc
__________________
keep on keeping on
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-22-2013, 09:05 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 431
Default Assuming it will strengthen your relationship

without identifying any areas where your relationship could be reinforced, might actually damage your relationship. Especially if you either of you have not fully settled into who you think you are as a mature adult

Society's mainstream view of sex in general is definitely a bit prudish to be considered healthy, however jumping into a more casual approach doesn't necessarily give you a more healthy viewpoint of it.

It is especially hard to gain a healthy "open" view when in a relationship and attempting "transition". It often takes very understanding partners with infinite patience while allowing lovers generous room to make mistakes without harboring resentment.

It's a difficult task to go through the fire -- so to speak -- and come out with a strengthened relationship.

It's helpful is to remember to understand your partner's behavior in the same fashion you understand your own behavior. Most people have no trouble understanding how they can desire sexual interactions with others and still fully love their SO

Understanding that about your partner's desires, when the roles are reversed is much harder to practice

Remember that in order for desires for others to not affect your existing relationships may mean being conscious of your actions. What actions or specific behaviors that won't harm your existing relationship will have to be distinguished from the ones that will harm it, so discussions about those details cannot be avoided if opening up is expected to strengthen and not cause harm during the curious phases

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 08-22-2013 at 09:09 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-22-2013, 11:39 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,272
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
you say your in college, college is all about experimentation. go to parties (responsibly) talk to people, etc
Hey-I'm in college. I'm 38, with grown children, grandchildren and kids still at home. Definitely not the time for parties and experimentation.

Be careful of assuming based upon small snippets of info.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-23-2013, 12:10 AM
marisatw marisatw is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2
Default

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I'm not totally sure where my guilt comes from...
It partially is from my raising-- I went to Catholic school until I came to college, and though I never agreed with a lot of their teachings, it seemed to press the monogamy mode into my brain. I know many people who are poly, but I didn't think I would ever be with anyone besides my partner.

Another part of the guilt may be fear. I AM afraid that I won't be able to control emotional feelings from developing for others. I know that my partner has become more secure in recent years, but early in our relationship, he did have some distrust about me being emotionally involved with others.
What if I did develop emotions? If I don't want that, can it still happen?

As I said before, I've never had sex with anyone except my partner, so there's just a lot of unknown for me.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-23-2013, 01:14 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 744
Default

Your concern over becoming emotionally involved is one of those things you two should discuss.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-26-2013, 02:47 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Hey-I'm in college. I'm 38, with grown children, grandchildren and kids still at home. Definitely not the time for parties and experimentation.

Be careful of assuming based upon small snippets of info.
I was assuming because she mentioned long distance, so i figure it was actually at college. i could totalyl be wrong, my husband is also a student and in his thirties with children
__________________
keep on keeping on
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-26-2013, 02:48 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by marisatw View Post


What if I did develop emotions? If I don't want that, can it still happen?

As I said before, I've never had sex with anyone except my partner, so there's just a lot of unknown for me.
Well, yeah. Less likely if you only sleep with them once or twice, and dont hang out a lot. If you start spending time with, getting to know, AND having sex with someone, of course you can have feelings for them. I started falling in love with my boyfriend when we were friends hanging out, before we ever had sex
__________________
keep on keeping on
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 08-26-2013, 03:22 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,030
Default

What KIND of open model relationship are you after? Swinging? Because that's not polyamory.

Why does the relationships need strengthening? What is weak within it?

How does outward focus (on casual flings where you share sex with others) bolster what is flagging better than inward focus?

Quote:
I AM afraid that I won't be able to control emotional feelings from developing for others. I know that my partner has become more secure in recent years, but early in our relationship, he did have some distrust about me being emotionally involved with others.
So how do you plan to handle it if it triggers again? Could talk that out before going there.

Could check these out also:
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p.../jealousy.html
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im..._Polyamory.pdf
http://www.kathylabriola.com/article...u-in-poly-hell
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

Could not open when wonky within the relationship or from weak foundations. More players has a habit of MAGNIFYING the cracks.

Quote:
What if I did develop emotions? If I don't want that, can it still happen?
Yup. It can happen. Check the forum for many "we started swinging but oops... feelings developed. NOW what?" type posts.

To me feelings ensue after behavior. When you share sex with someone, it triggers the brain cascade of hormones and yes... you could trip into developing deeper feelings there.

Could talk about how to handle that and if it is a dealbreaker to him if you fall in love with another person too. Do you both expect you to break it off with the new lover if you DO develop feelings? (And consider the flip side together too. What if your BF develops feelings for another? Then what is the expectation?)

If things go wahoonie... how do you guys want to break up? Because if you cannot talk about it now before going there, you don't want to first talk about it when you find yourself in those shoes.

Could consider the full price of admission to opening and if you still want to go there or not.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-26-2013 at 03:37 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
long distance, long term, open, queer, same sex

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:34 AM.