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Old 08-21-2013, 03:11 PM
Flear Flear is offline
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Default Aspects of Poly

how many different aspects of relationships are there ?

some people are fine with zero partners, some NEED lots (i'm guessing 'poly-saturated is something they will never experience)

# of partners ... 0+
closeness (casual to life-commitment)
closeness 2 (meeting occasionally/infrequently, need to see each person daily or more)
closeness 3 (sexual only to deep emotional connections)

i asked a question a few days ago inquiring about wiring/genetics concerning serial-monogamy (not that it was a bad thing that was overshadowed by other rather more important considerations - which raised some important considerations), ...

tends to have me thinking some people NEED to be in a relationship, having no one in their life becomes very detrimental to their needs.

while i don't think the people that desperately go from one relationship to another one are doing this with any concern for their own mental health due to poor coping skills and insecurities, i'm not going to rule against it that they've got poor born/inherent/natural coping skills for handling life on their own, combined with life experiences growing up and maturing, and relating to upbringing by parents till everything is against them and they are unable to be alone for any length of time.

what other aspects can there be to the makeup of a persons drives for relationships ?

-gender
-fetish desires
-the desperate need to have someone in their life (even if they don't give themselves time to get their lives together after a relationship ended)
-waiting for the right person, (even if it takes many years)
-different roles (financial responsibilities, who's in charge (dominance)
-... other things.

curious what other things there could be as factors, either inherent (wired) or purely psychological, or if it's all choice, or upbringing, ...

what other aspects are there that are recognized ?
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Old 08-21-2013, 05:39 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Humans are gregarious creatures as opposed to say Bengal tigers. We create societies and culture. From a biological standpoint, it would seem that gregariousness - the desire to interact with other humans is hard wired. However, as to what forms this interaction takes, that is probably a combination of the individual's underlying temperament and upbringing.

One aspect I have noticed is that some people have a deep-seated fear of being different, of deviating from the expectations of the society at large. It occurs to me that this wanting to stay with the herd mentality might be tied to a survival instinct. As a general rule when under threat, it works well. However, perhaps it is employed in some people even when there is no threat, or the threat simply consists of being noted as different.

The desire not to be alone may hail from the same place.

Then there are the introverts who need time alone to recharge, and the extroverts who need to be around people to recharge. If a person is an extrovert is it really such a stretch to imagine that s/he does not particularly like being alone? Being alone does not fulfill an extrovert's needs. An extrovert might be more driven in general (psychological factors like esteem issues aside) than an introvert to have a partner.

You asked a big question! These are my initial thoughts.
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Old 08-21-2013, 05:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
If a person is an extrovert is it really such a stretch to imagine that s/he does not particularly like being alone? Being alone does not fulfill an extrovert's needs.
I am an extrovert, and after I moved into my new house, I glommed onto P like a barnacle. I hadn't -ever- lived alone (parents -> roommates in college -> living with BF -> married -> divorced -> GAH!). I had to figure out how to cope with not only figuring out who I was, outside of my marriage, but had to cope with the ants-in-the-pants I feel when I'm alone for too long.

While I can go home after a day at work and just decompress and putter around the house, an entire day by myself is too much. I have been known to go to Home Depot just to be around people, and when I'm like that, I end up being that weird person in the store who just happens to strike up a conversation with you when you're minding your own business. Sorry about that.

So yes, it does impact my relationships (including friends in that pool as well) in that I need *some* type of daily interaction to thrive. Isolation truly would be torture to me.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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Old 08-21-2013, 07:20 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Giggle. I go to Lowe's.
Yeah-too much time alone and my head starts to spin. The spinning creates a downward spiral of anxiety.

I need "down time" on my own. Usually a couple of hours a day. But I also need socialization with other people.
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Old 08-21-2013, 07:35 PM
Flear Flear is offline
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you are here, you seem to be on the other end of the spectrum for me, ... i can do a day very comfortably by myself, even enjoy it, 2-3 days even, ... a week, not so much

but while i don't get much time by myself, the few rare times i do get time by myself i immensely enjoy it, i don't get anything productive done (and that feels bad in it's own way), but the time by myself i enjoy
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Old 08-21-2013, 07:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Giggle. I go to Lowe's.
Yeah-too much time alone and my head starts to spin. The spinning creates a downward spiral of anxiety.

I need "down time" on my own. Usually a couple of hours a day. But I also need socialization with other people.
You ever find yourself moving out toward New England, I'll be your "project buddy".

Now, that all said (being all extroverty and stuff), I'm still monogamous, so it doesn't impact the number of partners I have, but I still have various groups of friends that I enjoy hanging out with. I'm thinking of taking the "Small Engine Repair" class (part of my town's continuing ed program) both for the fun of it, and to maybe network around a bit and meet some people.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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Old 08-21-2013, 07:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flear View Post
you are here, you seem to be on the other end of the spectrum for me, ... i can do a day very comfortably by myself, even enjoy it, 2-3 days even, ... a week, not so much

but while i don't get much time by myself, the few rare times i do get time by myself i immensely enjoy it, i don't get anything productive done (and that feels bad in it's own way), but the time by myself i enjoy
I do enjoy my alone time once in a while, but I just can't do it for a whole day. I start talking to the cats, then myself, then the cuckoo comes out.

Now, whether or not I get anything productive done during my alone time is debatable, and I hear you on the "feeling bad" part. I feel like a slug when I do that, and actually have to set my mind on doing nothing sometimes, just so I can quit thinking about what I need to do.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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Old 08-21-2013, 07:58 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Will do! If I get out that way we can walk the project stores together. LOL!
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