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Old 08-20-2013, 04:40 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 422
Default There are many shades of poly

and all those shades can be completely different light or dark colors depending on the flavor of polyamory you choose as food to feed your soul.

No, the pain and negativity (jealousy, insecurity etc...) will NOT always be there, as those are not the fruits of a healthy living with healthy relationships

As you are learning to live your life in the manner you choose -- some call it an "awakened" life -- the progression is a series of small steps, as there is no elevator to carry you to the "LIVING"

however there have always been those who will sell you a ticket, or provide you with instructions on how to build an elevator to magically carry you into a LIFE that Is real, as opposed living while still asleep.

Often people refer to the stairway as "baby steps"

It is not an easy journey, and on the way you will likely find out that -- no, at this point in time knowing all the details will harm you -- however in order to do that requires that your trust, or faith be in a worthy spouse, that his behavior as well those who have a relationship with him are behaving in ways that are respectful and with genuine concern for your well being

as that is the only behavior that includes details that you should eventually be in a place where knowing every detail no longer harms you

this is an important because it is the fate of all human beings to understand consciousness, as we are capable of "knowing" everything, and unless prepared that will be too much to handle for many people

as it takes a hell of a lot of practice to be able to live with the "truth"

it takes a hell of a lot of practice just to be able to recognize it (the TRUTH) let alone to be able to handle the LIVING of it (LIFE)

We are humans, nobody is perfect, it is how we handle our imperfectness that counts. Hopefully your husband will understand that his isolating himself is not letting you in, and the TRUTH is that LIFE is a shared event.

Needing moments alone is something most people require, but not letting you know a time frame of how long he is going to shut you out is not taking a moment alone, you are his spouse and letting you know "he isn't shutting you out" is not the same thing as saying three nights or a week.

Which is not healthy behavior for spouses, unless he knows you desire and consent to that type of behavior.

For many people who are in serious committed relationships, in order for your relationship to survive, the "unknown" is usually traveled through together and often little things like shutting you out so that you are "alone" without knowing the time frame, can in many ways create "unknowns" that their partner has more emotional trouble than is necessary

maybe what is more important than knowing when your being "alone" in the same house is going to end, is that when he emerges he is willing to honestly talk about whatever he cannot share with you at this time

because that is what does the irreparable damage to a relationship, when all those seemingly small short lived hardships are for nought, because the circumstances that led to them are never dealt with

know you are not alone, that all people who appear to have "made it" and are "Poly" are only proclaiming each baby step along their journey, some of them without even realizing their stairway only leads to the top of a cliff
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Old 08-20-2013, 01:52 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,323

Hi Funky. I am reposting your OP with paragraph breaks... I know lots of people post from phones these days, making formatting difficult, but I really can't make sense of a wall of text!

Originally Posted by Funkyj View Post
Hi all, thanks in advance for your inputs. I really do appreciate it.

Not sure where to start. Well, i'm a mother of a 2 year old and devoted to a loving husband for 16years. We have talked about open marriage over the last 6 years on and off but nothing has really happened till now. It was really all theoretical in the past. And we both agree that it all makes sense and we would definitely consider it. But of course is easier said then done, right?

All this polyamoury stuff is mostly driven by my husband. He is a very explorative person, with lots of passions and very emotional, and i am opposite. I am like your simple plan Jane kind a girl. I'm very calm, patient and easily content.

Our sexual relationship with each other has been ok and we are actually trying to make it better by learning tantra yoga and sexual excersizes. My sexual drive is not very high to begin with and especially over the last two years after giving birth has been almost non-existent. So we have been working on it slowly over the last 6 months and it has improved dramatically but has a ways to go yet.

So, i have been trying to do more yoga, kundalini yoga, mediatation and things that might help open up that sexual energy within me. So we have been connecting quite well over the last 6 months trying to get our relationship back.

And over the past couple months, my husband has been hanging out with this other girl. I have known that they have had more than a friendship connection. And at that time, i had no negative feelings about them spending time together. cause i trust my husband and if things were to go further i know he would tell me. So that is why we have brought up this polyamoury stuff again. So we talked about it and theoretically and concluded again that i would be ok with it.

And the thing is this other girl, she is actually looking for a soul mate that she can start a family with. She really wants a family. And i know who this girl is as we have hung out with her numerous times. She respects me fully and has helped my husband open up too. And i thank her for that. She really is a good person. They both have very strong feeling for each other.

So, my husband last week had brought up the idea of pursueing things intimately with this other girl. She said she would need to think it over. Meanwhile, he has told me that he told her about going further and i instantly cried. I felt hurt, and sad mostly. I didnt feel jealous or angry at the time.

But nothing has even happened yet. She actually said that she was not ready to do it intimately with my husband and that her first priority is to find someone she can have a family with. So that isnt going to work in our situation.

So my husband felt rejected, and angry and frustrated. And i really felt sympathy and compassion for him. After a few days or so, i felt less hurt and processing my feelings have helped me understand things a little better, so i think.

A week has passed after that incident and they went to a yoga retreat together which was planned over a month ago.

He told me when they were at the retreat that he was sharing a room with her since he ended up with a bigger room by chance. And again i felt hurt and sad and alone again. He said that there was nothing to worry about.

Then after the yoga retreat was over, i sensed that something happened cause he again was feeling frustrated and angry. And he told me that he tried again to bring up the subject and she said she still wasnt ready.

So i am alone right now while he is sleeping in the basement cause he needs some space and wants me to know that he isnt shutting me out. He just need some space to clear up his feelings and his head. But now i feel more hurt and angry than the first time around. I feel like closing up and shutting myself down again so i cant feel pain anymore. And the thing is nothing even really happened yet. Its my ego taking over.

So, i'm not really sure if this is something that will work for me. Or maybe i am just not cut up for this sort of thing? Or maybe its not the right time for it yet? I dont know, i am just confused.

I have read many books on this, but it doesnt teach you how to deal with you own insecurities. I am guessing that this isnt easy for anyone in a polyamoury relationship. But i am just hoping that it doesnt kill our marriage.

I really want my husband to feel fully happy and fulfilled in every way but i don't know if i can handle it and afraid that it might shut me down where to the point where my repress my thoughts and feelings, which i am really good at doing.

Thanks again for hearing me out. I hope to connect with you and happy that people are here to help out, listen and communicate. Peace and love to you all.
So... Now that I can read all your points and issues, I'd say your h is attracted to the idea of poly, and he thinks this woman is hot, and isn't hearing her when she says she wants a (mono?) guy to be true to her and give her babies. Your h is coming across as desperate. It's not you, it's him.

Good luck with the sex life. I had no sex drive when I had 3 kids in 5 years. Didnt get it back til the youngest was sleeping through the night, and that took him 5 years! Tantra be damned, I just needed sleep!
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62) loving Pixie (poly, F, 40) since January 2009, living together since 2013
Seeing Kahlo (polyish, M, 45)
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixie's Dom/bf for 3+ years
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Old 08-21-2013, 12:52 AM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 75

Funkyj, I'm a little late to this thread, but I wanted to make a suggestion.

Please don't judge yourself too harshly on how you feel about this particular potential relationship. Try not to make a universal conclusion about yourself and where you may or may not fit in a poly situation out of just this one experience.

I have different experiences and reactions to the various relationships or dates that my OSO gets into. Some are no big deal. Me and poly? I got this thing handled. *snap* Then he dates someone else and my reaction is to want to get the hell out of this crazy poly situation.

In other words, I can see how your reaction to your husband wanting to date a woman who is specifically looking to find a soul mate with whom to bear children would freak you out - even if the actual situation turns out fine.

On the flip side, your husband might date a woman who is already married with her own children and only looking for a part-time mate, and you might feel no weirdness at all.

I see lots of other good advice in this thread. My 2 cents is to go easy on yourself if you can.

Last edited by PaperGrace; 08-21-2013 at 01:16 AM. Reason: Awkward phrasing
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