Hurt, angry and confused
Hi all, thanks in advance for your inputs. I really do appreciate it. Not sure where to start. Well, i'm a mother of a 2 year old and devoted to a loving husband for 16years. We have talked about open marriage over the last 6 years on and off but nothing has really happened till now. It was really all theoretical in the past. And we both agree that it all makes sense and we would definitely consider it. But of course is easier said then done, right? All this polyamoury stuff is mostly driven by my husband. He is a very explorative person, with lots of passions and very emotional, and i am opposite. I am like your simple plan Jane kind a girl. I'm very calm, patient and easily content. Our sexual relationship with each other has been ok and we are actually trying to make it better by learning tantra yoga and sexual excersizes. My sexual drive is not very high to begin with and especially over the last two years after giving birth has been almost non-existent. So we have been working on it slowly over the last 6 months and it has improved dramatically but has a ways to go yet. So, i have been trying to do more yoga, kundalini yoga, mediatation and things that might help open up that sexual energy within me. So we have been connecting quite well over the last 6 months trying to get our relationship back. And over the past couple months, my husband has been hanging out with this other girl. I have known that they have had more than a friendship connection. And at that time, i had no negative feelings about them spending time together. cause i trust my husband and if things were to go further i know he would tell me. So that is why we have brought up this polyamoury stuff again. So we talked about it and theoretically and concluded again that i would be ok with it. And the thing is this other girl, she is actually looking for a soul mate that she can start a family with. She really wants a family. And i know who this girl is as we have hung out with her numerous times. She respects me fully and has helped my husband open up too. And i thank her for that. She really is a good person. They both have very strong feeling for each other. So, my husband last week had brought up the idea of pursueing things intimately with this other girl. She said she would need to think it over. Meanwhile, he has told me that he told her about going further and i instantly cried. I felt hurt, and sad mostly. I didnt feel jealous or angry at the time. But nothing has even happened yet. She actually said that she was not ready to do it intimately with my husband and that her first priority is to find someone she can have a family with. So that isnt going to work in our situation. So my husband felt rejected, and angry and frustrated. And i really felt sympathy and compassion for him. After a few days or so, i felt less hurt and processing my feelings have helped me understand things a little better, so i think. A week has passed after that incident and they went to a yoga retreat together which was planned over a month ago. He told me when they were at the retreat that he was sharing a room with her since he ended up with a bigger room by chance. And again i felt hurt and sad and alone again. He said that there was nothing to worry about. Then after the yoga retreat was over, i sensed that something happened cause he again was feeling frustrated and angry. And he told me that he tried again to bring up the subject and she said she still wasnt ready. So i am alone right now while he is sleeping in the basement cause he needs some space and wants me to know that he isnt shutting me out. He just need some space to clear up his feelings and his head. But now i feel more hurt and angry than the first time around. I feel like closing up and shutting myself down again so i cant feel pain anymore. And the thing is nothing even really happened yet. Its my ego taking over. So, i'm not really sure if this is something that will work for me. Or maybe i am just not cut up for this sort of thing? Or maybe its not the right time for it yet? I dont know, i am just confused. I have read many books on this, but it doesnt teach you how to deal with you own insecurities. I am guessing that this isnt easy for anyone in a polyamoury relationship. But i am just hoping that it doesnt kill our marriage. I really want my husband to feel fully happy and fulfilled in every way but i don't know if i can handle it and afraid that it might shut me down where to the point where my repress my thoughts and feelings, which i am really good at doing. Thanks again for hearing me out. I hope to connect with you and happy that people are here to help out, listen and communicate. Peace and love to you all.