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  #31  
Old 08-16-2013, 06:06 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Ever hear of the Seven Year Itch? Sounds like you've got it. There is a term for "getting bored with someone you're used to, and taking them for granted." I saw it in a Cosmo magazine. Forget what it is right now.

Unfortunately I see my gf having that feeling towards me, and we've been together only 4 years, and she's had it for a while. We were crazy sexual when we first met, did all this kinky stuff, sex every day, for hours. Now, sex maybe twice a week, perfunctory, maintenance style sex. If I don't initiate it doesnt happen.

However, I was in a 30 year marriage previous to this one. I can attest that sex can become boring, stale and infrequent, but then, through some kinds of life changes, can become extremely hot and honeymoonish again!

In my case it was just maturity. Knowing myself and what my turn ons really were, and my ex-h becoming aware of, and accepting and celebrating my turn ons so much, they became huge turn ons for him as well. And encouraged him to try different things he liked, which I embraced. We went from a point to where we were only having sex once every 4-6 weeks, to sex 1-5 times a day!

Back to my gf... we have lots of romance and cuddling and kissing... and she is diagnosed with anxiety disorder which does interfere with her libido. It waxes and wanes. Sometimes she does rally and we might have some pretty hot sex 3 days in a row. I don't take it personally... or I try not to. Sometimes she seems to feel because I have a horny bf for my needs she is off the hook to have sex with me! No. That is just silly. I desire HER, even if I am getting it from Ginger.

I do think it's sad you don't want to give your gf oral anymore. Sorry to sound sexist, but, this is why women have learned to play hard to get. Men love the thrill of the hunt more than actually eating the prey.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
Punk, 42, ex bf, manchild. I've been Punk'd!
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years
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  #32  
Old 08-21-2013, 04:42 PM
Zed Zed is offline
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Hey Magy,

Thanks for your post! Your stories and advice are always full of useful insight. I hadn't heard of the '7 year itch', but if that's what I'm feeling, I think Nisha's feeling it too. I know it sounds extremely sexist, but physical appearances do play a big part in turning someone on. Not in loving someone, in turning someone on. Nothing about the way she looks now or will ever look could make me love her any less.

In a way, she took some of my desires for granted. I say 'in a way', because it's not entirely her fault either. Like I mentioned before, she had a lot, lot, lot on her mind. What was starting to get to me was her procrastination and I was running out of patience.

Nisha and I have wanted leave Singapore for years now. I've been very exited about this idea, I've come up with some plans, some suggestions of places we could move to. I studied maps, showed her which countries would be easier to find jobs and settle in, researched their cultures. If I had friends there, I would talk and ask them so many questions. And then repeat everything to Nisha. She wants to get out of Singapore herself, but she keeps procrastinating doing any of the leg work. The whole responsibility seemed to be falling on my head.

Add to that, that she had stopped taking care of her physical appearance, specially around me. I tried motivating her to try some fun ways of getting healthy, like going for yoga or even pole dancing. I found a couple of places near her office, where she could go after work. I found out their timings, their prices, everything. All she had to do was go and I kept trying to motivate her. She kept saying she would, but she never did. Not for months, not until my issue with this thing was getting big enough to affect our lives. She had also stopped going to get her hair cut or visit the parlour.

She procrastinated about everything, and that was really getting to me. I was seeing no change or progress in any direction, I began to feel stuck. I was afraid that this was just the way life was going to be from here on, specially now that we are so close to getting married.

I can't even blame her for anything, she's had so much on her plate lately and was in a minor depression. That just fucks things up. Then again, I had some part in giving her that stress and I could very well be the reason she wasn't inspired to do anything. I know my woman and when I'm my best to her, she's her best to me too.

You know what you said about the sex getting stale but then turning around? Something similar happened to us. One thing I've realised is that talking heart to heart really turns me on. Last Saturday, Nisha and I spent the whole day just talking and I made it a point to not raise my voice, not even get angry, but just listen to her. We talked and talked and then cuddled a long while in the evening and then we went out dancing with some friends until early morning. Got back home pretty smashed and crashed out just before the sun rise.

The next day, well, let's just say we fucked for hours with vigorous new passion and we even threw in some really kinky, kinky stuff. It had been ages since we fucked like that, just fucking and falling asleep on top of each other and getting up again to fuck some more. Just like we did when we first met in college. We were kids again. It was fantastic! I had some very intense orgasms like I hadn't had in months and I'm quite sure Nisha did too. We spent the whole Sunday morning in bed, got out of it and cooked breakfast around lunch time and then passed the evening talking and lazying about. Brilliantly beautiful day.

About the '7 year itch' thing, Nisha and I hadn't taken any thing besides the sex/sex appeal for granted. At least I don't think so, I ought to ask her if I have but she hasn't with me.

Maybe your right Magy, maybe it was the thrill of the chase. I would like to go down on Nisha more, I'm not sure why I'm not turned on as much by it now. You know what, I think I'll take lesson from your story and ask her what her turn ons are, maybe I've forgotten or maybe they've changed! Thanks Magy!



Nisha's in a bit of reclusive mood tonight. She happened to read my previous post on my little adventure with Kelsey and she's feeling a bit insecure about it. I'm going to go hug her and tell her she's all that matters to me now.

Good night everyone!
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  #33  
Old 08-28-2013, 04:40 AM
Zed Zed is offline
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Ok, first things first... I'm changing Nisha's name. At the time of starting this blog, I thought of a name that had nothing to do with her, keeping her absolutely anonymous. But I don't think that using her nickname is going to give her away. I mean, how many Boosh's are there out there? So from here on end, Nisha is now = to Boosh.

So...

The day before, Boosh and I were having a lovely quiet dinner at home, we relaxed and watched some TV, chatted and kissed. And then just before bedtime, my potential mother-in-law calls and asks about the wedding plans and preparations again. It really upset us that we couldn't simply enjoy a moment any more. We spoke a lot about it after she hung up. We've been pushed and pulled between settling our own issues with each other and getting married. It's been weird! Unnatural.

Boosh said that the idea of the marriage was ruined. It had for me too and I wished her parents would back off a bit. We've wanted to get married for while now and we're working towards it. There wasn't any need to rush things now!

For more than a year now, I've been planning my proposal. It was something that meant so much to me, but was going to take time to orchestrate. I can't tell her what it is, I want it to be a surprise. But with her parents after her and then her after me, and me not being able to pull off this proposal fast enough, doubts began to rise. That perhaps there wasn't any proposal to begin with. That perhaps she was my Plan B. How terrible is it to feel like a Plan B? She is NOT my Plan B! She has been the centre of my universe, my world, she's been my life since we fell in love.

BUT I HAVEN'T SHOWN HER THAT A 100%!

There have been times when I've treated her bad. It usually happens when another woman is involved, because when it's just the two of us, things are perfect. It comes down to NRE and my lack of control over it. We've been thinking that perhaps, even though we agree with being poly in theory, that it might not work for us. I'm too careless and she's too insecure. So for now, we're taking a poly break until we figure out what we want and how to work it.

I feel terrible for making her trust in me waver. But I know, I KNOW, that I love her and care about her and will never stop doing so.

The next morning, I called her mom. I figured if I couldn't tell Boosh, I could tell her parents about my plan and maybe they would understand where I'm coming from and give us the space we need. I was nervous, repeating all the things I wanted to say in my head over and over again, trying to figure out how I could convince her that I do want to marry her daughter. I wasn't getting any closer to anything, so in the end, I stopped thinking about it and just called.

It went wonderfully! I was nervous at first and probably sounded that way on the phone, but it gradually turned into a beautiful conversation that the both of us had. She was so happy that I called, that I told her where I stand and where I want to be. I told her that the proposal I had initially planned was taking too long, that I was going to do a simpler one sooner, that she need not worry, that nothing could make me happier than marrying her daughter and taking care of her for the rest of my life. She told me that she always also wanted a son and that she's so happy to have me as one! She cried a bit on the phone, happy tears. She told me to take my time and that they wouldn't chase us about getting married anymore!

I felt so much better after the conversation! Perhaps I could have called her sooner, but I wasn't ready then. This time though, it felt right. Now it was something that I wanted and not forced into. The conversation made me realise how much I wanted to marry her! Boosh… not mom-in-law.

So Boosh and I can finally put aside the stress of getting married under pressure and talk about us, deal with our issues one at a time. And I've noticed that I can do it calmly, because I know where I want to be. She doesn't know about my conversation with her mom, I think I'll tell her about it just before or after proposing. Which brings me to some exciting news! After a long and crazy hunt, I found the perfect ring, bought it and it's on it's way here right now! I should get it just before our 8th anniversary, the big day! Wow, I can't believe it when I think about it… I'm going to be a husband! And perhaps a father soon! Wow!
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  #34  
Old 08-28-2013, 02:37 PM
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Sounds fantastic. Supportive in-laws are such a blessing.
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  #35  
Old 10-04-2015, 03:36 PM
Zed Zed is offline
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It seems like I come back to this forum only when things go wrong. And that's happened a few times already, but I hadn't been able to put my feelings down in words. But today, today I'm going to write something...

A lot has happened since my last post (2 years ago). In short, I got married, had a great wedding and finally moved out of Singapore and to another city. Since the last 3 months, I'm now living in Amsterdam and loving it. This has been the change in lifestyle that I've been looking for for years.

But it's been a difficult move for one main reason... my wife is still in Singapore. No, we didn't break up or anything like that. We both wanted to move, but we decided to do it one at a time instead of the both of us being uprooted and without a job or place to stay simultaneously. Smart decision, and it was mainly her's, but a tough one none the less. But we supported each other. The idea was that I come here first, start setting up and when it's all ready, she'll come down too.

Now, being the poly people that we are, we had a lot of talks about dating new people. A good idea, we both want it for each other and have tried to be supportive that way. But I guess I was a little childish because in a matter of days she had all sorts of suitors, while I had none.

She turned down some of them, some of them chickened out when they found out she had a husband , and there were others but only one worked out. She had this one date, it was just dinner and drinks and some making out.

Actually, there was another. Not a new suitor, but someone she's been seeing for a long time, but unfortunately, it's a long distance kind of affair. She being all the way in Singapore, him, in LA. But she visited him and they spend a good two weeks together, dinner, drinks, making out and a whole lot more.

While this wasn't easy for me to deal with at the time, being alone in a new city and also being unable to pull (that was childish of me), I do think I did my best to support her. For one, she called me and told me that they were fighting. And it didn't make me happy as I thought it would. The jealous me would have been happy: "HAHA! See, he sucks. I'm the better one!" But it was just the opposite, I felt sad. I didn't want her and her boyfriend spending the little time they had together doing that. So I supported, I told her to forget the fighting and go make up.

Before her trip to see him in LA, she asked me if it was ok if they didn't use a condom this time around. I was angry, offended, pissed off as fuck. Why? Because it's always been a rule that I wear a condom, no matter what. So why should she get away with it? I reacted to the situation badly, I bluntly disagreed no matter what she said. But a few days later, I came around and agreed. They've known each other for so long, they're practically in love, and get so little time with each other. And they trust each other and I trust them. So I agreed, yes, they could go ahead without one.

But they didn't...

I met someone here in Amsterdam, I met her the very first day I got here three months ago. I thought to myself, "yummy", but I didn't think anything was going to happen between us. But then something did. We clicked, we got talking and one thing led to the next. We spent a night talking by the canal, just talking and kissing, taking it slow. Then we had another date after that, dinner and few drinks, and little more kissing.

Come Friday, we couldn't wait to have each other naked. And she came over, and it was wild.

And I didn't...

I didn't use a condom. I started off with one, but it didn't work. So I had to use another, and then another... after going through the pack, I decided I didn't need to use one anyway. She was on the pill and I was going to be extra careful. There was nothing to worry about. But... I had promised my wife something, and I broke it.

I should have waited, had this conversation with her first before rushing into anything. It was wrong and selfish of me. Now my wife is hurt and angry and worse, she feels betrayed. I tried to be so careful with who I let into my life, I didn't want anything to go wrong, and yet once again, I fucked it all up.

Looking back, the right thing I should have done was to be faithful and have a conversation about this with my wife instead of rushing into something with a stranger.

On the other hand, I think condoms are a good idea when you don't really know the other person well enough. I knew there was no change of a pregnancy, and that she's as clean as I am, so I didn't think it would be a big deal to not wear protection.

But I hurt my wife in two ways. One, because I did it without having a talk about it with her first. Two, because she says that she and her boyfriend try hard not to overstep my boundaries, while I didn't.

And that's why I'm back on this forum. Something has gone wrong, and I have no one to talk to about it. I'm trying not to hate myself, but I do. Because now I'm spending the rest of my Sunday feeling miserable and guilty, instead of enjoying the memories from last night.

Last edited by Zed; 10-04-2015 at 04:01 PM.
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  #36  
Old 10-06-2015, 02:54 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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You said the condoms "didn't work." You mean, you're not used to using them, so kept going soft when trying to fuck with one on?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
Punk, 42, ex bf, manchild. I've been Punk'd!
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years
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  #37  
Old 10-06-2015, 07:08 PM
Zed Zed is offline
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@Magdlyn, I'm afraid that that is exactly it. Just a question of what one is used to. Which means everything would have "worked" had I just tried harder.

-----

I had a long talk with Boosh (wife) yesterday, it went a lot better than I expected although I can't say that things are perfect.

Something that I really appreciate is long way we've come in our communication skills. On my part, I've more control over my my anger and have been able to express myself calmly and clearly lately. (I'm convinced this has something to do with my occasional "getting stoned alone" sessions, but that's another story). On her part, she was being an excellent listener, non-judgemental and, I feel, very kind to me.

For now and until further notice, she's decided that she doesn't want to have any more unprotected sex with me. This is sad for me to know but not difficult to do considering we live in different countries and don't have sex at all anyway. She's also decided/suggested that I go ahead and not wear protection with others if I want to. This wasn't said in anger, it was well reasoned.

The truth is, I'm not as afraid of STDs as she is (I might be ignorant for feeling that way but there it is). For me, its getting someone pregnant that I'm more worried about. So, the main reasons I wear/wore protection are because of her fear her wanting me to, my fear of getting someone knocked up and finally STDs. Which means, that mainly, I do it for her. But she doesn't want to put restrictions on me anymore, so rather she gave me a choice. In short, condoms with others = no condoms with her or no condoms with others = condoms with her.

I've been thinking about that and it can sound very tempting to have that kind of freedom (putting aside risks for now), but I would eventually be very sad if I couldn't have the most intimate sex with my wife. So I've decided to start wearing them again in the future. In a month, I'll get tested just to make sure that everything is ok. And hopefully, we can get things back on track by the time we meet for Christmas.

We made this "rule" of not having unprotected sex with other years ago and I never failed to abide by that before, until last Friday. So, although it is frustrating for me to wear one, it is a very, very small price to pay when in return I (and she) feel safe in good hands.
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  #38  
Old 10-13-2015, 10:36 PM
Zed Zed is offline
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I just wanted to drop in and write some things down:

Things are going well, I'm feeling positive about what's to come out of all this.

It's difficult to put this down in words, I keep having to rewrite my sentences because I can't find the right way to express what I'm going through.

It's the feeling of being free to be yourself, yet deeply connected with those you love. It's a sharp awareness of what's going on, like watching the world unravel in slow motion. It's a calm desire to understand and be understood, to just be. There are no strong cravings or aversions. Feelings of guilt have evolved into feelings of responsibility. I feel strong and one with my self, actions and words.

I feel invincible yet accepting that this feeling will pass.

It's pretty amazing.
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  #39  
Old 11-29-2015, 09:35 AM
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Over the last month, I've been hit with a series of strong and hard emotions, one after the other.

I've been absolutely disgusted with myself. Full of anger, self loathing and depression. Been crying to myself, felt small and useless, considered suicide a few times, but never very seriously because I don't think that's an answer or a help to anyone in truth. So I went for a trial therapy session with the hopes of getting myself out of this dark place.

After the first session, I didn't go back. I thought I could pull myself out of the situation, and I did with the help of some friends. But after pulling myself out, I realised that therapy could be the boost I need to figure myself out. If not for anyone else, at least I would like myself better. So I started going again and just had my second session a few days ago.

Then there's the story of my company and how it's almost going bankrupt. We had to downsize more than half the people. What started off as a job that promised fun is ending up being frustratingly boring and quiet not to mention depressing.

Then... I've feel emotionally dead when it comes to the relationship with my wife. She's been kind and good to me, but she's also told me in her own words, "You've always been a better friend to me than you've been a boyfriend or a husband". It was a hard pill to swallow, and with it came many doubts. I wondered how long she's felt that. If it was from before we got married. If so then why did she agree to marry me? And these questions lead to more and more and suddenly I find myself not certain of anything.

My therapist says that I need to stop fuelling my own doubts, to listen and trust more and also find out what I want instead of only focusing and reacting on what other's want. I agree with her.

On the other hand, my wife will be coming to Amsterdam in February (as we had originally planned months ago) and I'm currently looking for an apartment for the two of us. Given the new turn of events, that's confusing as hell. But I think we will work something out, we always do.

And then there's Juliana. We've been seing each other a lot lately and we always have a good time. I think I'm falling in love with her and I think she's falling in love with me too and so she's having second thoughts about it. Because she's monogamous and isn't sure she can handle the relationship after my wife comes to Amsterdam. She doesn't feel comfortable being a secondary. But we've been honest about this from the start, it's just that now there are emotions involved and a breakup at this point would be sad.

So we're talking about it, trying to reason things out. She wrote me a meaningful message the day before, about how she feels and what she thinks she wants. I won't post that up becuase that message was meant for me. But this is my reply to her:

=====================================

Ok, here goes...

It means a lot to me that you took the time to formulate and write down your thoughts and that we at least understand each other, even if it turns out that we don't want the same things.

I understand that you are not poly and I don't judge you for it. Being mono/poly is something one can't help, it's just the way it is.

I know I'm poly and wouldn't feel free any other way. I like to have many relationships and share my thoughts and emotions with them. It's not a game of comparisson and that I love one more than the other, or that one replaces another or is better than another. Everyone is different and THAT is what I truly love, everyone's beauty and uniqueness.

Love is infinite, so it can't be divided like a peice of cake. But unfortunately, time as a resource isn't and so far, no machine has been invented to let us be in two places at the same time. So, time is what has to get divided in a poly relationship. But time and love are two different things and more time != (not equal to) more love.

What I'm trying to get at, is that you are right when you say that things will be different after Minu gets here. Different in the sense that I will be living with her and I won't be available every night and weekend. But then again, is it really that different? It's not like we're seeing each other everyday now. And Minu being here doesn't change the way I feel about you, which is that I'm falling for you a little more everyday.

I would like to keep seeing you, going on our dates, trying new food, watching movies... You are special to me and I would like to make you feel that if you let me. I don't mean for you to simply give me a manual on how I could do that, but if there is something you would like me to do, please tell me.

We're both different in the mono poly sense, but it doesn't mean that our relationship can't work. Just that it's going to be harder than a "normal" one and everyone involved will have to put in more effort and compromise. The question is, is this something you think you would be up for?

If you aren't and think it's better to end this now, I won't lie and say it's fine because it's not. I will be sad that we won't be together anymore but I respect you and your decision and I will be happy that at least we ended it as ethically as we could and I hope that we can still meet and stay friends.

If you are up for it (even if you're not sure about the long run), then can I take you out to dinner again sometime?

P.S.: Noted what you said about not treating you like someone fragile, makes absolute sense and again, I respect you and your decision whatever it is.

=====================================
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