Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 02-14-2010, 11:37 PM
Thunderlizard's Avatar
Thunderlizard Thunderlizard is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Calgary AB
Posts: 41
Default

There's another angle here, I think. We're primarily looking at this from the "Poly people discussing Kink" angle.. it's important to remember that Kink is much more than just sex, too.
I'm not sure N is clear on that, maybe she is, but I feel like she's confused and thinking that Kink and Poly both are inextricably tied to sex.. which we know they're not... BUT... they often are combined, aren't they?
From the Kink point of view, most certainly there can be play without sexual contact... however, it's not as common for play to be done with the subject clothed.. it CAN, certainly, but there's a vulnerability that goes with being only partially clad that lends itself to the individual dropping into subspace. Nudity is not required, though... let's be clear.
But there's a lot of psycho-sexual energy flying around, that's true. It's a very sensual experience for a lot of us.
The other thing that there needs to be a lot of in a Kink relationship is TRUST... sound familiar? Yes.. there's an emotional and psychological bond that develops between a Top and a bottom, as well.. and this is where I certainly see the OP being concerned about it "developing" into Polyamory.
The bond between Top and bottom is a lot like love... it's trust mixed with dependence mixed with selflessness... it's very much like romance. It sometimes comes from or develops into romantic love. That definitely is something to consider.

There are a lot of feelings floating around, there's a lot of confusion as well... can I offer a thought? Have you considered a Lifestyle (both Kink and Poly) friendly counselor? Someone who won't focus on the alternative lifestyles, but rather on how these things are affecting your relationship.
I feel like you really do care for this woman... show her that you want to ensure that the choices you make are healthy for you both. If she won't talk directly to you, then perhaps an intermediary will help?

Best of luck to you both.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 02-15-2010, 11:35 PM
Gibson Gibson is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 2
Default

Thanks for all the advice and help, everyone. It's been a crazy few weeks and I think the drama has finally settled down. N and I took some time away from discussing anything relationship related...you know, to create a space where we don't have to be worried every 10 seconds about having yet another heated, all-night conversation. That time was genius.

It gave us both time to think and process all that we had out on the table...and N kinda came clean about being depressed, emotionally wound up and needed stability in her life from a partner. I have come clean on not being stable lately and have been actively trying to come out of my own depression that I never knew I was in. Our flailing in this space led to her search for stability elsewhere, but that search seems to have ended with N again finding that comfort in me again.

I know this doesn't change that she is kinked (I am too), is probably wired for poly (I need more time to ponder poly), but this does mean that for the moment, our exploration into very sharply changing our relationship space is indefinitely on hold.

I think this is the right move for us right now and I thank you folks for helping with new ideas and thoughts on the matter. I def will stay tuned to the forums.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 02-15-2010, 11:47 PM
Thunderlizard's Avatar
Thunderlizard Thunderlizard is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Calgary AB
Posts: 41
Default

Sounds like you've made a responsible and mature choice to resist just changing something to change something. I have a good feeling about your future.. best wishes stay with you.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bdsm, poly sex

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:29 PM.