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  #181  
Old 08-11-2013, 02:56 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Cleo,

I am so sorry. It is terribly hard to lose relationships so close together. And yet for some reason, breakups and deaths seem to cluster. My ex-wife broke up with me in September and SW did the same in October. I felt utterly alone. And while I am super lucky to have great friends, I was basically on my own. It was horrible, absolutely miserable.

But...

Two years later I know that I can survive the death of any relationship. The end of my marriage was my nightmare and it came true. And I survived. I lost and important relationship with SW and survived. It sounds like you are well on your way to learning similar lessons. Learning about yourself is one way to make sense and meaning out of loss.

*hugs*
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  #182  
Old 08-13-2013, 09:05 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Thanks opalescent. I know that learning about myself is the reason that all this is happening... or really what I should say is that it's the reason I am making these things happen.

Missing C terribly today and broke down this morning and wrote him an email where I tell him I miss him and love him. Will probably regret this later.. or not.. I don't know.

Feeling so lost and alone. And oh the danger of falling for someone just to fill that emptiness, and then falling prey to the same damn cycle of being attached, needing someone, becoming addicted to their attention.

I have a date with someone tonight who is not in that category fortunately. I met him for a first date 2 weeks ago and had a good time. It was nice to be with a person who doesn't know about everything that's going on in my life and just have a good conversation. I did not feel a strong attraction although I thought he was cute.. and had no clue what he thought of me.

He contacted me last week and proposed we go out to dinner.. so that's what we're doing tonight.

I do have doubts and second thoughts..am wondering if it wise to date at all right now? On the other hand, just sitting at home and grieving isn't all that nice either.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #183  
Old 08-13-2013, 09:23 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
I have a date with someone tonight . . .

He contacted me last week and proposed we go out to dinner.. so that's what we're doing tonight.

I do have doubts and second thoughts..am wondering if it wise to date at all right now? On the other hand, just sitting at home and grieving isn't all that nice either.
It can be very healing to receive attention from someone new. I say, give yourself permission to enjoy it without trying to figure out where it will go, what's fair, what's wise, blablabla. Just be present and enjoy it for what it is - someone interesting is interested in you, wants to have dinner together, and you have a chance to get to know someone a little bit more - how lovely!
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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  #184  
Old 08-14-2013, 05:06 AM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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Cleo, I had a thought as I was reading your latest post. My boyfriend, who I had a similar type of relationship with as you did with C, in terms of it's intensity, broke up with me at the end of May. I've gone through cycles in terms of how well I'm dealing with it. This week has been hard, I miss him more than I have in a while. I just want to let you know that someone else knows what you are going through and remind you to be nice to yourself as you go through the cycles of grief over losing this relationship that was important to you.
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  #185  
Old 08-15-2013, 11:28 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Originally Posted by Hannahfluke View Post
Cleo, I had a thought as I was reading your latest post. My boyfriend, who I had a similar type of relationship with as you did with C, in terms of it's intensity, broke up with me at the end of May. I've gone through cycles in terms of how well I'm dealing with it. This week has been hard, I miss him more than I have in a while. I just want to let you know that someone else knows what you are going through and remind you to be nice to yourself as you go through the cycles of grief over losing this relationship that was important to you.
Thank you. I know I am being too hard on myself.. when I line up in my head (or tell it to friends) all that's happened to me this summer, I'm almost surprised I'm not MORE depressed. I think it's because I've never really experienced this.. And yes, I do need to take time to grieve. It's only been a week since MrB broke up with me. It's not that strange that I get these huge pangs of sadness all throughout the day.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #186  
Old 08-15-2013, 11:34 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
It can be very healing to receive attention from someone new. I say, give yourself permission to enjoy it without trying to figure out where it will go, what's fair, what's wise, blablabla. Just be present and enjoy it for what it is - someone interesting is interested in you, wants to have dinner together, and you have a chance to get to know someone a little bit more - how lovely!
I did go, and had a very nice time.. lovely dinner, great conversation, a very nice goodbye kiss, plans to meet next week.
But this morning I got an email where he said he and GF had talked it over and decided not to pursue an open relationship for now.

looking back there were a couple of red flags.. he told me she was more into the swinging side of the open relationship spectrum, whereas he was more looking for real connections with emotional investment. I have no doubts that he liked me, a lot. I think that he possibly liked me too much, and she vetoed the whole thing. Which sucks, but is something I'd rather find out after 2 dates than further along the line...

In other news, Ren was supposed to go on a second date with a woman he met on OKC today, and she just messaged him she has 'misgivings' about the whole poly thing, and accused him of not being honest (which is stupid, since he mentions being poly and in an open marriage in the first paragraph of his profile).

So we're both feeling a little blue and not very positive about poly life at the moment.. feeling there are so very few people who 'get' this.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #187  
Old 08-15-2013, 11:36 AM
london london is offline
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I went through this sort of thing. Now, I only really interact with people who self identify as non monogamous in their profiles or something
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  #188  
Old 08-15-2013, 04:30 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I think I really do need to take a break from dating for a while. I know I'm using the attention to fill a void.. which is not a very good reason for dating.

I just feel so disillusioned with poly at the moment.. it is so hard to accept that the beautiful life I had, with my 2 lovers, who I loved and who loved me, disintegrated the way it did.

Ultimately, this is how I want to live my life... even if it is not actually the truth at present, I still consider myself living poly.

But I need to stop desperately clinging to finding ways to prove it.

sorry... just feeling very sad these days.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #189  
Old 08-16-2013, 12:45 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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I totally get what you're saying about feeling the pressure to prove that poly works and feeling like you failed...

Not sure what you can do about it right now, except maybe go on a hot date with your husband
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  #190  
Old 08-16-2013, 08:08 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
sorry... just feeling very sad these days.
Don't be sorry. Anybody would be feeling sad going through the stuff that you are dealing with.

You have nothing to prove to anybody. Ultimately relationships end or change all the time. No matter how any of us structure our relationships, going through change is going to happen. Sometimes the change is good but other times it's not wanted and is hard to deal with.

Poly works, swinging works, monogamy works, having no romantic relationships at all works. They all work. For periods of time. For different people. At different stages in life.

But none of them can stop change, prevent loss or stop us from feeling lonely and sad.

I hope that the grief starts to life for you soon. I find that it takes a few months for me usually before I start to feel better again.

IP
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