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Old 08-14-2013, 06:21 PM
Glenn Glenn is offline
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Hi, so I'm Glenn. My wife and I have been married for 11 yrs monogamously, we got married when I was 18, so pretty young, our marriage is very strong and stable. But we both felt like something was a little off, through many long discussions we reached the conclusion this summer we wanted to attempt to become more open about our relationships and such.
She had been in love with one of my friends for years, so I encouraged her to go ahead and ask him out. He didn't handle this premise well, he is stuck on the concept that I am not ok with it. Despite this he still likes to come over to my house (2-3x a week for a few hours), which has caused her a bit of stress as they can't seem to talk about things in person. She's doing alright though, but it's proven very complex.
Thankfully all the other friends we've told have handled the idea better than I anticipated. One of my female friends in particular I was really nervous about as we recently became friends and I am very interested in her, but didn't want to scare her off or anything. She's a few years older than I am and I know she is trying to find a lighter casual friendship with fun rompy time occasionally, but I am having a hard time thinking of how to approach her as eve if it didn't work out, I'd rather her still be friends with us.
Anyways it's cool to be here, and if you managed to read my text wall, good for you, +2 points.
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Old 08-15-2013, 02:02 AM
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Greetings Glenn,
Welcome to our forum.

Re: this person your wife is interested in ... perhaps a formal three-person sit-down is in order? Would you be able to talk to him and reassure him that you're okay with it?

What about this lady you're interested in? Have you been able to broach the subject of poly with her yet?

Hope things work out for both you and your wife. Any help Polyamory.com can be, just let us know. Have a look at our various threads and boards and see what calls to you.

Good to have you aboard.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 08-15-2013, 04:01 PM
Glenn Glenn is offline
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My wifes interest I've spoken to, he just feels like it is betrayal. He can't wrap his head around the fact that it can work. He is very idealized and is terrible with woman actually, he has this picture perfect view of how relationships should work, it's kinda creepy. I mean my wife and I are really solid and have been for years, there have been some little things lately, but nothing big. So our friends tend to have us on this awkward pedestal of the perfect marriage.

I did tell my interest that my wife and I are poly, though I chose to describe it to her as an open marriage and went into a bit more details with clarifying what we think about things and are interested in. Unfortunately it is hard for us to get together much due to conflicting work schedules and kids (she's married but separated from her husband, but he doesn't have the kids often, and regularly bails on the last minute screwing with her plans, and even though she's older than we are she has a young daughter). She showed the general playing with fire opinion where she is concerned that it's gonna burn us, so I wanted to give her some time to adapt to the concept before being specific that I was interested.

I am happy I found the forums here, it's nice to be able to talk openly without worrying about what I am saying to who.
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Old 08-15-2013, 04:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Glenn View Post
My wifes interest I've spoken to, he just feels like it is betrayal. He can't wrap his head around the fact that it can work. He is very idealized and is terrible with woman actually, he has this picture perfect view of how relationships should work, it's kinda creepy.
RED FLAG! Leave him alone. Why encourage your wife to hook up with someone who is terrible with women and a bit creepy in his attitude about relationships? That would not bode well at all, I should think! Common sense, man.

Just because she has feelings for him does not mean she should go there. It seems obvious to me that, if she were to get involved with him as more than a platonic friend, she (and you) would only wind up with drama and difficulty. So, I think you would do well to stop promoting that idea. She should probably start looking further afield for someone who is great with and respectful of women and more open-minded about relationships in general. She can enjoy her crush on this friend of yours without forcing it to manifest in something else.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 08-15-2013, 04:26 PM
Glenn Glenn is offline
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Oh, I meant he just has no good social skills, can't flirt, that sort of thing, he's actually incredibly polite towards women and very respectful. The idealized thing I just never got my head around, like since finding out, he had stated that he wouldn't be able to participate for a variety of reasons, but one would be he'd feel like he'd be damaging what he thinks our marriage should be about.
Anyways, she's not pursuing him really anymore, she realized that he would not be able to handle his baggage and such in a healthy way towards her.
I initially promoted it with him as he has always been very respectful and good about things beyond the social norm and such, treats my wife very well, plainly has the hots for her, and has been a good friend to me. But yeah, he can't handle it, and that's fine.
The initial point was more that she tried and is now adjusting to the rejection.
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Old 08-15-2013, 07:08 PM
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Sounds like time and patience will serve you well in these situations, it will give your wife time to find a suitable partner, and the lady you're interested in time to wrap her mind around the whole poly idea.

You have my well wishes and regards.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 08-16-2013, 06:20 PM
Glenn Glenn is offline
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Thanks for the support folks.
We'll likely be doing dinner with my interest in the near future as friends, so it may come up, we'll see.
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Old 08-16-2013, 06:55 PM
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Sounds good; keep us posted.
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Old 08-19-2013, 01:09 PM
Glenn Glenn is offline
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So I have a date tomorrow with my interest. Heading down to her place at 4 to help her daughter work on her driving a bit, then her daughter and other 2 kiddos are heading to her ex-husbands and we're going to dinner. I'm giddy . . . . my wife keeps making fun of me. I'm just unsure as her messages with me are pretty flirty, but at the same time I am a pretty flirty person all the time and trying not to read into it too much.
In other news my wife signed up at Okcupid and poor girls gets like 15 messages a day from random guys, most are pretty pathetic, but she had a 2 hour conversation with some dude last night, I browsed in (her idea) and he seems pretty nice. So I am happy she's got someone to chat with.
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Old 08-19-2013, 08:30 PM
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Yes, you have to do some filtering of the wheat from the chaff on OKCupid; this especially tends to be true if you're a lady. Lots of guys out there will crudely petition you for a no-strings-attached one-night-stand. Your wife has found one cool dude there, which is actually a good sign.

Hope your date goes well tomorrow; sounds pretty exciting.
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