Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 06-24-2010, 05:05 PM
rpcrazy's Avatar
rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 171

maybe i'm too flexible...well, yeah i definitely am. But, it just seems, like the above suggestion, there are hundreds of ways to balance a relationship if the parties are flexible and willing enough
-"There hasn't been a person i've been with that I didn't love for 10 seconds to 10 years." David Duchovny
Reply With Quote
Old 06-24-2010, 11:59 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

maybe some people love "guilt NRE?"
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Old 08-22-2012, 12:16 PM
Ttree Ttree is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 25

Do you really want to be with her? Or are you staying because you feel she needs you and you kind of feel nostalgia/guilt/ a need to fix things and have them be as they should?

Does being with her (and the anxiety and problems that brings) make you really happy or do you reckon you could be happier somewhere else, with someone else? Are you staying for the kids? Kids prefer stability, whether parents are together or divorced, so long as things are peaceful and on good terms that is way better than shaky uncertainties and knowing someone is hurting.

Based on what I've experienced I say sometimes love really isn't enough. If a person treats you really badly and you can't truly be who you are with them or are controlled, manipulated and constantly limited by them, you just have to decide what you want and what you can handle. Can you be there as a friend? Can you not be there at all? (If she is a really toxic influence on your life). Do you WANT to be the person that you are with her?

Ultimately it's up to you. Based on the way you express yourself I suspect you know what you want to do already but are kind of wanting someone to tell you it is ok to do what you want.

PS: The reason she wants to be monogamous MAY be because she wants YOU to be faithful to HER.
In my own opinion: I would leave her. You have been there for her WAY too many times and she blatantly uses you, she seems to have no remorse and seems to treat you really badly, almost as a back-up plan (I'm sorry dude, that's really harsh, but it really seems that she has no concern for what you feel so long as you are there for her. )
You have rights and feelings too and need to live a life in which you do not feel that you are someone else's property instead of what you are probably feeling by this point: that none of your own desires, personality and priorities are allowed to matter the way hers do.

You don't need permission or approval to live your life, all you need is "I want this. I choose this." (Just be honest and decent with people, remember the golden rule.) Remember: life is not a law court. You don't need to give evidence and win the argument or justify anything to anyone. YOU have the power to make your own decisions.). Don't put up with someone who continues to lie and cheat. You deserve much better and it sounds like some women out there have noticed this and appreciate you for who you really are. Just never make the mistake of leaving your real friends for those who treat you as expendible. Don't do what she is doing.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-22-2012, 01:43 PM
Emm's Avatar
Emm Emm is offline
Stealth Mod
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,382

berserker, Last Activity: 06-23-2010 03:22 AM

Ttree, you're unlikely to get an answer to your questions.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-22-2012, 07:06 PM
Ttree Ttree is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 25

Haha! I should really check these last posted dates... Thanks
Reply With Quote
Old 08-09-2013, 04:41 AM
berserker berserker is offline
New Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3

You guys were really helpful and hit the nail on the head with a lot of your statements. As I posted this her and I "dated" each other (didn't live together) for over 2 years. We moved back in together May of 2012. She started acting different immediately after. She got even better at hiding affairs and her affairs became even more reckless, she had a stalker showing up at work with the police getting involved.

My beloved SIL who helped her with a lot of these affairs introduced her to this guy. I never found out until months later. We split up In December of last year. Thank God it's over. She is now with her last affair partner. The comment about nostalgia and remembering how things were was exact. It's all behind me now and life has been amazingly drama free. My mind isn't 100% back to normal yet but it's really close. Life moves forward
Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2013, 04:05 PM
ShpaceEchsplorer ShpaceEchsplorer is offline
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 16

I don't know if it has already been said but...

I get the impression there are things you are not telling us about this relationship that are pretty important. You are quick to point out the number of times she has cheated on you. From reading your post, it sounds like you don't care if she had feelings for the other men... As long as she never had sex with them then maybe you don't care?

Maybe she feels that you want more than her in the relationship. You verbalize as much by bringing up swinging and trying to turn her poly.

Maybe she is acting out from an emotional low where other men make her feel like she is the only one they want in a monogamous way. However, there is a chance that isn't true if she is openly cheating with another married guy.

So maybe she's got some qualities begging for an open relationship at times... But it sounds like passing urges in between the moments where she feels normal and truly happy... Which I gather might actually be the monogamous moments of her life, regardless of who the man is.

I don't think founding a forced poly relationship between two partners who can't tell the truth is a bad idea. It doesn't sound like she says she wants more than one guy. It sounds like she wants a guy who only has eyes for her, even if only for temporary amounts of time. If that man's eyes wander... She looks for another guy who only sees her. By saying your solution is swinging, you are saying you don't just want her. If she truly feels monogamy is her thing, you should both consider other solutions.

The fact that you are here on a poly site while asking your wife to do open relationship things with you... Sounds like you are the one who is poly and not communicating that well to your wife.

I'm not saying that her lying and cheating is valid. It was definitely not the right move on her part. But as I saw in the first reply... You both need to communicate better.

It starts with telling her anything about you that you may feel you've hidden from her in the past. Anything as simple as "I think other are girls are pretty, but I don't love you less because of it." It will start a dialogue that will either make her feel better or spark some honesty from her. She might tell you that she doesn't like certain things about your relationship. She might at first feel like it is a good excuse to explain her cheating behavior. While there is no such thing as a valid excuse for cheating... Getting her to admit specific problems she has with your relationship will help you both meet an agreement.

I hope I was helpful, I may have rambled some. Sorry!

Last edited by ShpaceEchsplorer; 08-14-2013 at 04:07 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2013, 04:46 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by berserker View Post
We split up In December of last year. Thank God it's over. She is now with her last affair partner. The comment about nostalgia and remembering how things were was exact. It's all behind me now and life has been amazingly drama free. My mind isn't 100% back to normal yet but it's really close. Life moves forward
Good! Reading through this thread, it is easy to see from the outside that she was addicted to the lying and drama of cheating, and that the relationship needed to end. Of course, you had to get to the point of seeing it yourself. Glad to read that it's behind you now and you've moved on.

Yes, move forward - don't look back!
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:05 AM.