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  #11  
Old 08-13-2013, 12:02 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Lovelycouple, this is not a problem you tend to find amongst couples with a straight female as the expectation is usually that there will be separate relationships. With bisexual females though sometimes the expectation is that the new partner would be for them 'both' and she will be 'shared'. It is this expectation the OP is referring to.
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  #12  
Old 08-13-2013, 12:42 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default Well

I've had friends say, and I believe, too, that you can't really date half a couple. That is, you'll have a relationship with both, regardless of it being intimate.

But, the way I see it there are two kinds of relationships. One, you have two people that date others on the side. In that case, I guess you could have a very minimal relationship with the metamour. Two, you date with the intention of those people being equal partners in the group...and if you really want to be fully involved with your partner's life, then, yes, I think it's absolutely necessary to have a good relationship with everyone involved.
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  #13  
Old 08-13-2013, 12:50 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Lovelycouple, this is not a problem you tend to find amongst couples with a straight female as the expectation is usually that there will be separate relationships.
Not always. I've seen a few Unicorn Hunters even in the short time I've been here who seem to have skipped the bit about people only sleeping with people of the gender(s) they're attracted to. The female (always, never the male) is just expected to suck it up and go along.

Flowerchild, that's not they type of involvement the OP was talking about. Romantic involvement was specified.
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  #14  
Old 08-13-2013, 01:18 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I can understand if you are reading a lot of introductions it looks that way. On my local email list there are something like 800 members. Yet, there are only five that really post with any regularity and then each week we get between 1-3 introductions of couples that want to be poly, as long as they can find a third. So it does get exhausting and make you start to wonder if that is the norm.

Honestly, that is why I come here. You can, through reading posts, replies and blogs, get a clearer picture. There is no majority of poly that I can see here. There are different 'groups' if you want to look at it that way. Those that are married and poly, those that are single and poly, those looking for closed groups, those that are looking to keep things open, those that want all 'primaries' and living together, those that are not interested in cohabitations at all!

Believe me, the 'majority' of married couples are not like that at all. I do see your frustration though and hope that by reading more here and posting more you'll see that it is not the majority at all!

Hubby and Boyfriend have met once, and it wasn't until after Boyfriend and I had been dating over a year and more because of an emergency than anything! They still have only spoken directly once. While I was in surgery, a text to let the other know I was all right. It's not that they dislike each other, it's just that there is no reason for them to communicate really. We are all honest with each other and so communication can come through me on important issues and even joking. IF they felt the need to communicate or all three of us together we would. No problem, but there is no requirement at all for them to even like each other!
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  #15  
Old 08-13-2013, 01:21 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
Not always. I've seen a few Unicorn Hunters even in the short time I've been here who seem to have skipped the bit about people only sleeping with people of the gender(s) they're attracted to. The female (always, never the male) is just expected to suck it up and go along.
Yowsers!

I have not seen that, though I have seen a few that state they will bed share. The new woman hasn't got any say in the matter that is already decided!

I saw a single man advertise the other day for two women he writes "I prefer bisexual women because I would want us to share our love"
*bluergh Vomit*
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  #16  
Old 08-13-2013, 02:55 PM
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Originally Posted by NowIKnow View Post
I don't buy into this polyamorous requirement that if you are legally married to someone that your spouse has to also be romantically involved with the other person you are in love with.

I'm not saying it isn't possible, I'm just saying that if I find someone I love and wish to spend time with it shouldn't be required that my spouse accept them also .
Ummm... the requirement that both my guys be sexually involved with each other is farking ridiculous because i am married. Both my guys are straight.

My boyfriend and husband are respectful of each other and friendly. But other than that they do not hang out or etc. We spend holidays, kid events. and etc together . My boyfriend comes and spends the night in my home. My husband sleeps in the spare bedroom. But my relationships are run as seperate but equal entities .
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  #17  
Old 08-13-2013, 06:17 PM
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Originally Posted by NowIKnow View Post
I don't buy into this polyamorous requirement that if you are legally married to someone that your spouse has to also be romantically involved with the other person you are in love with.
Don't buy into it then. If it isn't for you then do something else.

I'm not sure where you are getting the information that this is the norm, maybe Vix is right and you are reading a lot of the introductions or dating sites. That is one very specific type of polyamorous relationship; unicorn hunters and/or the triad-quad arrangement. How those arrangements work is beyond me but I am told that periodically they can be quite successful.
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  #18  
Old 08-13-2013, 07:49 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default Hmmmm

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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Don't buy into it then. If it isn't for you then do something else.

I'm not sure where you are getting the information that this is the norm, maybe Vix is right and you are reading a lot of the introductions or dating sites. That is one very specific type of polyamorous relationship; unicorn hunters and/or the triad-quad arrangement. How those arrangements work is beyond me but I am told that periodically they can be quite successful.
Yeah, it's surprising how rare triads/quads/group relationships are...
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  #19  
Old 08-13-2013, 08:50 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Don't buy into it then. If it isn't for you then do something else.

I'm not sure where you are getting the information that this is the norm, maybe Vix is right and you are reading a lot of the introductions or dating sites. That is one very specific type of polyamorous relationship; unicorn hunters and/or the triad-quad arrangement. How those arrangements work is beyond me but I am told that periodically they can be quite successful.
Agreed Marcus. Currently, we both date outside our marriage (my spouse IS friends with my BF). And we just made friends with this great couple, the wife and I have discussed how neat it would be to be a quad, but we arent sure it will really work or happen. Ive heard it cane be great, but rare.
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  #20  
Old 08-13-2013, 09:06 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
Yeah, it's surprising how rare triads/quads/group relationships are...
My guess is that it's not part our biological make-up. We are built to have sex one-on-one after all (at least when it comes to the procreative aspect). Some commentators believe that multiple one-on-one relationships may in fact be the 'normal' state of affairs for homo sapiens and that monogamy is a social construct. But that's another discussion altogether.

So there probably needs to be another level of socialisation skills available to make triads etc. work. These skills aren't hard-wired and therefore require learning. Not everyone wants to make the effort to acquire these skills, or is interested in the first place.
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