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  #51  
Old 08-12-2013, 06:53 PM
LovelyFuture LovelyFuture is offline
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Originally Posted by idealist View Post
That's probably why you aren't in a co-dependent relationship. It takes two people a lot of time, energy and a real (often subconscious) commitment to create a dependency like that.
Hahaha, this actually makes me laugh out loud, it's so true. And yes, I am totally participating in the co-dependency, I wholly admit it. I started reading about co-dependency after you mentioned it, and woo-wee...pretty amazing stuff to think about, very relevant.

I have really started to evaluate my own life's goals/intentions vs. what I have chosen, and am thinking about how I very often just go along with what my partners want in life. I want to be a stronger person, with more spirit and drive for my own life vision.
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  #52  
Old 08-12-2013, 11:17 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I don't disagree with most all of the advice you have recieved.

I can't imagine putting up with what you want for your life (in a partner) nor can I imagine putting up with what he's saying he wants (in a partner).

I could be friends-but no way could I date a person with either expectation.

The thing is-we all have hard limits (things we can't compromise on and still be healthy and happy) and soft limits (things we can compromise on and still be healthy and happy). They aren't the same.

We have rules or boundaries (I refuse to choose a term because there are too many arguments over which is what) as a family (all however many there are now of us), as a household (all 5 of us), as parents (all three of us), as couples (each group of 2 of us) and as individuals.
We communicate, discuss and alter those to best meet the needs of whichever group indicated.

Something that is an agreement/rule/boundary/expectation for our household is that all three adults will ensure to work their "date out" times (regardless of it being romantic date, friend time, work time or any other OUT time) with each other so that there is always an adult available to the children.
Another is that we don't any of us have sex with an additional party before we let each other know.
Another is that we don't start romantic overtures (defined by us as couples) with outside parties prior to letting each other know.

These are things that work for US.
But they may or may not work for someone else.

I think it's brutally important to back up from considering what your partner wants until you establish for yourself which of what you want is a hard limit/soft limit for you to be HEALTHY AND HAPPY.

Because throwing yourself under the bus to ensure he's happy "because you are his only family" is actually abusive to yourself and him.
You each need to establish for yourself what your hard limit needs are-then you can address if it's feasible for you to each be healthy and happy TOGETHER. If not-there isn't really an option. Because choosing to be unhealthy is self abuse.
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  #53  
Old 08-13-2013, 03:29 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Originally Posted by LovelyFuture View Post
Hahaha, this actually makes me laugh out loud, it's so true. And yes, I am totally participating in the co-dependency, I wholly admit it. I started reading about co-dependency after you mentioned it, and woo-wee...pretty amazing stuff to think about, very relevant.

I have really started to evaluate my own life's goals/intentions vs. what I have chosen, and am thinking about how I very often just go along with what my partners want in life. I want to be a stronger person, with more spirit and drive for my own life vision.
Wow! That's awesome! Glad that made sense to you! You are taking that first step in being a stronger person by being here talking about what you want!

You do have a basic vision of how you want your life to be and it seems like you are pretty clear about it.

What can you begin to do now to start moving things in the direction that your heart desires?
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  #54  
Old 08-13-2013, 07:55 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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. . . I finally told him I wanted to move out to my own place, and continue seeing Boyfriend and FirstIntenseGuy. That's when Boyfriend put his foot down and told me that if I moved out, he'd be destroyed & wouldn't ever talk to me again.
Well, that's just manipulation! His emotional well-being is not your responsibility - he's being a baby and having a tantrum. Clearly, he feels a need to be in control of your body, heart, and life. Why do you let him get away with that? He won't be destroyed if you leave him - and I say that as someone who was devastated by my marriage ending - he will survive. If he can't function without you, that's his own damn fault, not yours, so stop playing that game and coddling him - that is, if you truly want to have satisfying, fulfilling, adult relationships.
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-13-2013 at 08:01 AM.
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  #55  
Old 08-13-2013, 09:04 AM
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lovelycouple lovelycouple is offline
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Default Communication is everything!

All I can think of about this topic, is that you really need to communicate with your partner(s).

Communication and compromise.

All sides have to agree, and all sides must be sure that they are being heard.

We all have our own ideas about something that is so villified about this (beautiful) form of relationship, so we are pioneers on this, all of us, as we are still discovering how to have a proper relationship.

Perhaps some of the dissatisfaction is rooted on someone afraid of not being heard on the relationship.

Talk with all the sides and be also ready to have your own thoughts on the matter blown to bits. We have to learn to meet half the way: all the sides.

And remember, not all arer tailored to have such a form of relationship, and the only way to find this out is to communicate how you feel.

kind regards,
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