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  #11  
Old 08-12-2013, 10:39 AM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Originally Posted by ALpolyman View Post
Interesting. So when you do have to communicate about the things that matter, then do you have to find ways to keep it short and to the point?
Yes, definitely. SchrodingersCat put it nicely:

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He would probably love it if I could give him Cliffnotes versions of what goes through my head. I'm not there yet, mostly because I figure out what's in my head by talking it out. So I try my best not to go on and on and on and on, and he tries his best to listen when I go on and on (only 2 ons instead of 4.)
I have noticed that for me it is best to do the figuring out my thoughts with someone else first and then give him a short(ish, it is really hard to keep it very short) version of the most important things. Often I talk hours on the phone with my female friends or spend a whole weekend with my OSO more or less trying to figure out something, and then give my husband a summary of all that.
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  #12  
Old 08-12-2013, 03:05 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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While I personally wouldn't want to use someone just to be my "bisexual experience / relationship," I think that as long as they're open and upfront about that, then what's the big deal?
It has nothing to do with labels, I am quite ambivalent about the whole label debate and fairly happy to accept whatever people feel about what they want to call themselves.

It is because bisexuality is an orientation and it simply doesn't make sense in a threesome activity. If a man is in bed with a woman the sex he is having is not "bisexual sex' no matter what the other two women (or visa versa in the case of a MFM threesome) and that niggles at my pedantic nature.

It has nothing to do with the LGBT community because I am pretty sure they don't spend spend many hours figuring out the proper way to refer to a threesome but I daresay I am still correct that the people who use those terms are not well versed in LGBT politics.

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So if someone chooses to label it as a bisexual or lesbian experience, who gives you the authority to take that away from them?
I am not taking anything from anyone, I am expressing an opinion on a internet forum and I don't think hysterical language like I am 'taking' something from someone is very helpful now is it?
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  #13  
Old 08-12-2013, 03:07 PM
london london is offline
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Hysterical is a sexist term used to silence women.
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  #14  
Old 08-12-2013, 04:25 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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It's all just language, and honestly she may not know she's bisexual. I didn't, not for a long time. I convinced myself for YEARS that being attracted to women was just because society made it such a big deal. Of COURSE I think that girl looks good, they take the picture to make her look sexy! So yeah of course that's what I think! Even in the queer community there are people that are down on bisexuals, so coming out can be hard. A lot of women especially will use the term bi-curious because they just aren't sure.

Given time I've learned I'm not bisexual. It makes it seem like I am attracted equally to men and women. I consider myself pansexual, since it's been men, women, trans, in betweens! If OP and his wife are at the beginning of this journey, semantics are going to be off and honestly, they aren't even sure yet of sexuality or orientation or relationship model, so I say, cut some slack with semantics.
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  #15  
Old 08-12-2013, 04:35 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
so I say, cut some slack with semantics.
I do Vixtoria, I actually wrote:

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Originally Posted by Natja View Post

Terminology drives me nuts buuuuuuuuuuuuut they are often mistakes made by people not well versed in either the LGBT or Poly community and it is a little unfair to be too hard on them.

Which is why I didn't understand the emotive response from SchrodingersCat because I quite clearly said not to be too hard on them (I don't tend to call people out for that kind of thing it's just a personal bugbear) I was commiserating with Flowerchild, not insulting anyone.
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  #16  
Old 08-12-2013, 06:08 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
I quite clearly said not to be too hard on them
That's very generous of you

Who knows what might befall them otherwise? A visit from the Political Correctness police? (This is a joke Natja, relax).

Who cares what people call themselves? At the end of the day language is very often an imprecise attempt to communicate what is going on inside human beings. Since so much of who we are is impossible to communicate rationally it's amazing we manage at all!

BTW I know that in my triad experiences there has been lots of bi-sexual 'energy' bouncing about. There might be another more accurate way to express male/female and female/female concurrent activity however. I'm open to suggestions...
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Last edited by northhome; 08-12-2013 at 06:21 PM.
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  #17  
Old 08-12-2013, 06:19 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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That's very generous of you
.
I know...........
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  #18  
Old 08-12-2013, 07:58 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default Compromise?

How about we just don't use "bisexual" as an adjective for anything involving men and women at the same time? That doesn't make you, or the person bisexual....it just makes you, maybe bi-curious, if anything.

For that matter, I hate terms like "gay marriage" as well. It's just marriage...that happens to be with two of the same sex.
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  #19  
Old 08-12-2013, 09:54 PM
ALpolyman ALpolyman is offline
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WOW! It appears that I've sparked some conversation since yesterday. On the topic of my wife being "bisexual"...explaining that is like a non-engineer explaining an engineering concept to a group of engineers. What I am trying to convey is that my wife has more of an interest in women than she does men. She thinks that women are beautiful, sensual creatures. Men and penises just aren't as sexy. She also had a 10 minute "lesbian experience" years ago before we got together where her and another woman were kissing and touching each other but didn't go any further because it was in a party-type environment. It was at that moment that she realized that she's interested in women too. Here's where it gets a little strange however. My wife gets along better with men than women, or so she says. I'm not trying to stereotype but she's a straight shooter and despises drama (I'm not trying to say that women are drama filled but I guess her experiences have shaped her). We are both as drama free as possible. In a way, this almost seems a bit contradictory that she makes a statement like that and at the same time, is interested in women. We can be out in public and she'll see me eyeing a hot girl and she'll say "yeah, I'd do her too". And the reason why poly seems like more of a fit for us is we want a consistent relationship where possible instead of just swinging. There needs to be an emotional connection, especially for me. I've never been able to separate the two actually.

Anyway, I digress. The short answer here is she's more interested in women than men and I'm interested in women. We want meaningful relationships and a triad would be the ideal situation but it appears that getting there will require us to venture off on our own until it can evolve to that.
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  #20  
Old 08-15-2013, 12:27 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi ALpolyman,

Arriving late to the conversation here, but I just wanted to give you my welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have a sensible head on your shoulders with respect to how to approach this poly thing. Use polyamory.com in addition to find out information, what does and doesn't work, and to post questions or concerns whenever you have them.

Hope you find that triad you're looking for when the time is right. Good to have you aboard.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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