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  #41  
Old 08-11-2013, 06:17 PM
LovelyFuture LovelyFuture is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Not every one can have relationships where emotional availability is restricted. I can, but I have to know that this is the case from the start so I actively put in boundaries that prevent us "going too far". I did suggest to the OP that could be an option for her but from what she says, she knows she wants more than that.
Yes, london, exactly, I don't want emotional availability restricted. Emotions are beautiful. I want to be free to feel as I wish, & to fall headlong into heaven, if I wish.
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  #42  
Old 08-11-2013, 06:22 PM
LovelyFuture LovelyFuture is offline
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Fucking is Fucking
Love is Love

They can overlap and they don't have to. However if you are the type where they do have to overlap then you will have issues.
True, Ariakas.

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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
You sound conflicted.. but you shouldn't be. It doesn't sound like you can maintain what he wants. So.. either live monogamously or you have to end it. Or... maybe he would make a better secondary for you?.. alter the relationship structure while maintaining your polyamourous relationship with him. Always a possibility.
Yeah, last time, I wanted to move out & continue seeing Boyfriend and a new relationship, Boyfriend wasn't NOT cool with that idea, said he'd never talk to me again.
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  #43  
Old 08-11-2013, 06:24 PM
LovelyFuture LovelyFuture is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
The problem with that is "crazy" is a subjective term, and for someone who craves emotional as well as sexual intimacy, near impossible to achieve.
I know, it's...crazy subjective.

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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Haha it's like buying a sports car with a governer.. But one that will never actually work. Sorry I am chuckling that's a comical and difficult request. Emotions don't have valves..
Haha, I actually have to chuckle, myself, as well. It does seem comical, doesn't it? It's like...how can I tiptoe on such a thin emotional line?
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  #44  
Old 08-11-2013, 11:14 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by LovelyFuture View Post

At Boyfriend's request, I started seeing FirstIntenseGuy less and less, & I surmised it just wasn't fair to FirstIntenseGuy for me to see him so little, so I cut it off for FirstIntenseGuy's & Boyfriend's sake.
I personally operate on the system "I say what I want, you say what you want, then we negotiate if needed". Whether the outcome of any negotiation means we decide to not do something, or find a middle ground, or to accept that the other person is going to do something we aren't comfortable with doesn't really matter, as long as everybody is taking charge of expressing their own needs - and we don't make decisions for each other, or decide what is best for them - as you did for FirstIntenseGuy.

I hope you are able to successfully work something out with your BF if that is what you want - but I'd say cut him some slack, at least until you've really been clear about what you want and need, it seems kinda shitty to jump on the "you're hampering my freedom!" tactic if you hadn't sat him down and clearly expressed what you want your life to look like. Tell him what he can expect from you, how much time you want to spend with each partner, and spend some time reassuring him about the GOOD things you have with him that you value, and addressing the mistakes you made with FIG that you are going to watch out for this time, if you haven't already.
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  #45  
Old 08-11-2013, 11:24 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Sounds like you want one thing (freedom to enjoy emotional relationships as the opportunities arise) and you have made decisions which have put you into the opposite scenario (participating in a co-dependent relationship with a partner where you have merged your living environment and your professional life to the extent that he expects, needs, wants you to be there primarily available to him physically, emotionally and sexually most of the time).

It is a situation where you have made decisions without remaining focused on the intentions you have for how you want to live your life.

The only way I can see you getting what you want is for you to gradually begin to make changes where you lessen the co-dependent structure of your primary relationship......which you are equally participating in BTW.
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  #46  
Old 08-12-2013, 07:45 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Originally Posted by LovelyFuture View Post
I am curious, Emm - what do you think is ideal?
"Ideal" varies by person and relationship, but for me it doesn't include an itemised list of rules and regulations. General principals and boundaries are fine, but if someone isn't mature enough to manage their life without a step-by-step guide then they're not mature enough to be in a relationship.
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  #47  
Old 08-12-2013, 09:09 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by LovelyFuture View Post
Boyfriend gets upset that I'm seeing NewGuy so much, & says "It's not cool to see NewGuy everyday - you're setting up expectations. I want you to have fun, I want you to see other people, but you're my girl, you're not somebody else's girl.
No, you're YOUR OWN girl. He is just lucky enough that YOU choose to share YOUR time and life with him.

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I am not going to be one of your two boyfriends.
That's his prerogative. If having multiple boyfriends is something you want in your life, and being one of multiple boyfriends is not something he wants in his life, then no one is forcing him to be your boyfriend.

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You are my life, and I'm not ready to give a giant chunk of my life away to somebody like that.
Sounds like a dependency issue. He should be his own life.

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We don't own each other, but we can share each other a little bit, like here, borrow my girlfriend, but don't take her away for weeks and weeks."
How is it possible to share or not share something you do not own? If he accepts that he does not own you, then the natural consequence is that he is not in a position to dictate your life.

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So in essence, he wants us to have fun & see other people, but he doesn't want it to be to intense.
Finally! What HE wants for HIS life. That's a good place to start.

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On the other hand, I like my relationships to be intense, I like being in love, & I enjoy spending time with other people.
So you and he need to sit down and acknowledge that you want different things, and then figure out if it's possible for you to both have the things you want while remaining in a happy, healthy relationship together. Clearly someone is going to have to give in a little if that's going to work, so the question becomes how much are you each willing to compromise?

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I don't want to upset him, I want to honor his feelings, but I also feel that his preferences limit me, & my real desire for a deep connection with someone. What to do?
I bet they do. I would feel the same way in your situation!

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Originally Posted by LovelyFuture View Post
Yeah, last time, I wanted to move out & continue seeing Boyfriend and a new relationship, Boyfriend wasn't NOT cool with that idea, said he'd never talk to me again.
That's a coercive technique. I personally would question any situation where someone was so quick to throw me away completely just because I want to change the parameters of the relationship.
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  #48  
Old 08-12-2013, 01:45 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
No, you're YOUR OWN girl. He is just lucky enough that YOU choose to share YOUR time and life with him.



That's his prerogative. If having multiple boyfriends is something you want in your life, and being one of multiple boyfriends is not something he wants in his life, then no one is forcing him to be your boyfriend.



Sounds like a dependency issue. He should be his own life.



How is it possible to share or not share something you do not own? If he accepts that he does not own you, then the natural consequence is that he is not in a position to dictate your life.



Finally! What HE wants for HIS life. That's a good place to start.



So you and he need to sit down and acknowledge that you want different things, and then figure out if it's possible for you to both have the things you want while remaining in a happy, healthy relationship together. Clearly someone is going to have to give in a little if that's going to work, so the question becomes how much are you each willing to compromise?



I bet they do. I would feel the same way in your situation!



That's a coercive technique. I personally would question any situation where someone was so quick to throw me away completely just because I want to change the parameters of the relationship.
I agree with all this. OP I would be extremely resentful if my partner was putting such limitations on me. This behavior needs to be nipped in the bud.
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  #49  
Old 08-12-2013, 03:17 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
I agree with all this. OP I would be extremely resentful if my partner was putting such limitations on me. This behavior needs to be nipped in the bud.
That's probably why you aren't in a co-dependent relationship. It takes two people a lot of time, energy and a real (often subconscious) commitment to create a dependency like that.
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  #50  
Old 08-12-2013, 06:53 PM
LovelyFuture LovelyFuture is offline
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Wow, everyone on this board has so much awesome advice. Thank you so much. I am so appreciative of your kindness and the time each of you take to give your input.
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