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  #11  
Old 02-11-2010, 03:38 AM
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disarmedheart disarmedheart is offline
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Just tell her, I mean really, does it ultimately matter?

We all die. Life is short.

I'm not trying to sound like a downer (I'm actually very happily drunk right now :P), but it's true. Life is too short to trifle with insignificant things.

Live life fiercely and with much fanfare! Celebrate your love and your capacity for it! Embrace it!

Then again, don't listen to me, I'm a total hermit with no real outside influence - I don't know the first thing about interacting with people, as evidenced by my totally charming naivety regarding this entire situation!

Last edited by disarmedheart; 02-11-2010 at 03:54 AM.
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  #12  
Old 02-12-2010, 08:35 AM
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classycaveman classycaveman is offline
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Default I feel your pain.

I'm going to assume that you've known your mom your whole life, and so you probably have a pretty good idea of how she will react when you eventually tell her the truth, and that your nervousness is justified. In light of this, I'd like to offer my sympathy, and my hope that if you do decide to share the truth with your mom, it all goes well.

I'm 30, living with my VERY Christian parents right now to save money while I'm back in school. When I didn't come home one night, it eventually came out that I had been at a woman's place for some fairly casual sex. My mom told me I disgusted her. My dad told me they weren't pleased with my life choices and we would talk about it later. That night I changed my facebook status to "looks like I'm moving again!" Then a message from my dad appeared in my inbox: "I saw your message about moving on Facebook. I think I might have an idea what this is about. I hope we can talk before you make any decision. Dad." I replied with I'm considering options but nothing that's a clear winner over staying as of yet. If you want me to stay there are two ways we can go. One is don't ask don't tell, the other is openness without judgement. I'd prefer the latter, as it's the only way we can have a relationship capable of growing, but it would be the harder of the two, at least for you and mom.

They haven't said anything about it since... which basically means they're not ready to have a real relationship with me. It's a little sad, but at least we have a platform of respect to live from.

...Kinda sucks when someone tattletales on you though.

My parents know now that I have different values than they do, that I respect theirs, and I want them to respect mine, but that they might not agree with some of my decisions. If they really wants to know about any part of my life, they can ask, but they shouldn't expect to hear what they want.

Hope this helps. Good luck!
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  #13  
Old 02-12-2010, 03:14 PM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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I would be honest if it where my mum, but you have to make ur desision that suits you,

it disgusts me that someone would do this to you, it really is pathetic and im sorry that they pushed you into this corner

I hope it goes well with you Mum no matter what you decide to do

Jools
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  #14  
Old 02-13-2010, 05:16 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by classycaveman View Post

My parents know now that I have different values than they do, that I respect theirs, and I want them to respect mine, but that they might not agree with some of my decisions. If they really wants to know about any part of my life, they can ask, but they shouldn't expect to hear what they want.
This pretty well sums up my relationship with my mom. (My dad passed on years ago, but always loved me right where I was, wherever I was. )

So it kind of sucks that my mom prolly won't ever really know who I really am, but she doesn't want to. She mainly just wants her view of me to go unchallenged. Okay, I can do that, as long as she respects my boundaries.
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  #15  
Old 02-13-2010, 04:16 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
So it kind of sucks that my mom prolly won't ever really know who I really am, but she doesn't want to. She mainly just wants her view of me to go unchallenged. Okay, I can do that, as long as she respects my boundaries.
Yea - I hate to see this Fidelia
It seems there's this certain 'role' that parents take on when they have children that is actually personal. It's about them. Some kind of ego challenge to "bring up my child 'right'" And when they stick too rigidly to their own personal definition of "right" than any variance self-labels them as having failed. They don't want that rubbed in their faces. Rather they didn't know.
It seems the best family relationships I've seen often describe their relationships as 'best friends' ! The whole parent/child/sibling thing seems to evaporate.
Back to that wonderful concept & discussion that shows up about the value of the 'friendship' outlook.
Respect & love without expectations.

GS
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  #16  
Old 02-13-2010, 08:50 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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She mainly just wants her view of me to go unchallenged. Okay, I can do that, as long as she respects my boundaries.
I like this a lot Fidelia! i'm going to make it my mantra if that is okay?
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  #17  
Old 02-14-2010, 01:07 AM
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classycaveman classycaveman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
It seems there's this certain 'role' that parents take on when they have children that is actually personal. It's about them. Some kind of ego challenge to "bring up my child 'right'" And when they stick too rigidly to their own personal definition of "right" than any variance self-labels them as having failed.
I think there are a few reasons they try to control their children's lives. One is fear, that their children aren't making choices that will benefit them. (That's my parents. They think I'm going to hell.) Another is to justify their own decisions, a la Rachel McAdams' character's mom in The Notebook. If they can get their children to make the same life choices that they did, it gives more credibility to their own choices. Another is the perfectly human desire not to see all your hard work go to waste, whether they had a right to try to mold you into their own image or not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
They don't want that rubbed in their faces. Rather they didn't know.
You're right, some do take rejection of their values personally, as if you are rejecting them as well. They're just trying to cope with the pain in whatever way works for them, without thinking about how it affects their child or their relationship.
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  #18  
Old 02-14-2010, 04:43 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I like this a lot Fidelia! i'm going to make it my mantra if that is okay?
Red, you precious woman, I would be tickled pink if something I said was useful to you in any way.
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