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Old 02-12-2010, 04:10 AM
SNights SNights is offline
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Default The best way for it to work?

Ok, this is kind of odd for me to talk about on a forum :P. I find it very hard to talk about for fear of being judged and as such basically none of my friends or family know how I feel.

I'm a 22 year old female and have been with my current partner for just over 5 years (we have lived together for 3.5 of those). Until last summer the relationship was entirely monogomous but then I started having casual encounters with one of my male friends (with my partner's knowledge and permission). I guess all through my relationship I have taken fancy to other males... generally just one at a time. The way I feel about the other guys is mainly sexual but I guess there is an emotional connection there too... I do care about them, just not on the same deep spiritual level that I do with my partner. The relationship I have with my partner is very strong and we have really good communication... he knows and accepts how I feel even though its not really something he feels or understands himself. He is very monogamous, he doesn't even really look at other females although I think he would be curious to experiment with casual encounters. We have tried one mfm threesome and that was good fun but it doesn't fill the same "need" that I have by having two separate lovers. Basically in my perfect world I would live with my current partner as my "main" partner and as my rock and my love and I would have another partner as a bit on the side in a completely open relationship. I guess the secondary partners could be quite short term, just as long as they lasted naturally, with there being room for me and my current partner to have "casual" encounters as well.

Can that ever really work? I have heard a lot of different opinions on polygamy and the best way for it to work. A lot of people say it can only work if each partner is treated equally and there is no favouritism? That is not something that would ever work in my situation so am I doomed? Others say that that is unrealistic and there will always be one "main" partner and then secondary partners?

What do you think?
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Old 02-12-2010, 04:22 AM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Default

First, welcome to the forums, and thank you for coming and posting your story. I find that each person that comes here give us more to learn and think about.

Next, there is no one "right" way to do polyamory. There are some "wrong" ways - cheating on your rules of your relationship being an obvious one - others are more subtle. If you read around you will find that each person has their own way of doing it, and their own preferences. Avoid people that try to tell you that their way is the right one, or that it can't be done your way - they tend to be known as "One True Wayers" and aren't usually terribly constructive.

Basically, it sounds like you are off to a great start - you are communicating with your partners, everybody knows what is going on, expectations are being set and met. I would try to let it grow the way it wants to - see what works for you and your partner. Do some reading and try some of the ideas on for "size", as it were - see how you would feel about things. It's useful to do some hypothetical discussions with your partner, but be prepared to change your mind when you actually try things - sometimes how you imagine something isn't quite how it feels when you do it.

If you have specific questions, please post them here and start up some good discussion!
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Old 02-12-2010, 02:34 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Default Absolutely

Hi Snights - and thanks for stopping in and sharing with us.

No reason what-so-ever that it can't work !
As Ciel pointed out - you are kind of off to the right start by by keeping it all open & honest and talking it through. That's key.

And although right now it looks to be largely sexual driven - which is fine - I would only advise that you start some talking right now about what it would mean if one of the FWB connections actually started to deepen. Because that possibility is definitely there. Better to talk about & plan for that now then have it slap you in back of the head later and lead to all sorts of drama etc.

As far as the "equal treatment" etc, please keep in mind that loving relationships are not some type of competition. It's about caring deeply and trying to find the right balance that meets everyone's needs & desires. It's nothing about "equality" at all ! There's lots of things to be 'balanced' - time, space, emotions etc. Some compromise is often involved. But a big part of the definition of love is having a sincere, deep desire for the happiness & fulfillment of those you love.
It's work ! No free rides here

Depending on which directions your sexual desires lie in regards to gender you will likely find partners that are quite comfortable in the role you wish them to play - as you say - secondary. Likely that many men will be quite comfortable in that role as it meets their desires too.

So absolutely it is workable and not unrealistic at all. But it takes complete transparency and good communication skills. And knowledge of all the various twist & turns that can appear.

Good luck - learn, love & don't HURRY !

GS
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Old 02-12-2010, 03:07 PM
SNights SNights is offline
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The thing is that I haven't actually discussed how I feel with the "secondary" guy. At the moment it is an irregular FWB situation. He knows that I have a boyfriend and he knows that my boyfriend knows about us although he finds it hard to understand the emotions/acceptance behind it. He is pretty open minded and has other lovers himself but none of them are serious to him, just short term liasons and I don't really know how to broach the subject of an open polyamorous relationship. My main partner knows how I feel about him and that I would like to have more than a FWB situation and we have discussed this amicably.
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Old 02-12-2010, 04:41 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNights View Post
The thing is that I haven't actually discussed how I feel with the "secondary" guy. At the moment it is an irregular FWB situation. He knows that I have a boyfriend and he knows that my boyfriend knows about us although he finds it hard to understand the emotions/acceptance behind it. He is pretty open minded and has other lovers himself but none of them are serious to him, just short term liasons and I don't really know how to broach the subject of an open polyamorous relationship. My main partner knows how I feel about him and that I would like to have more than a FWB situation and we have discussed this amicably.
Well - where he's (the FWB) apparently totally new to the concept you 'might' just start by telling him it's far from new but picking up steam incredibly the last few years. Then point him to some sites or books - lots are referenced here - and suggest he study up. When he's done that (if he will) he'll understand much better where your mind is at. At that point he may turn and run like a cheetah or the discussion will get LOTS more interesting
And if he ends up being receptive, I'd recommend all 3 of you making a date to meet & get to know each other. ASAP maybe some fun activity you all share an interest in to make it more relaxed. That's always nice.
Being kind of the 'outsider' and being invited over to your place first time can feel like walking into a bears den
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