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  #21  
Old 08-09-2013, 01:57 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Default Local flirtations

What the hell, while we're at it

Lobe
Has already been discussed at length in previous posts.
We're not flirting.
But I've fallen hard.
Treading water

Ink
Chick I met off OkCupid. It's her birthday today! And birthday party tomorrow. I need to finish making her present. I have no idea about the physical/sexual aspect of how we're relating (it's been non-existent) but I think we're "just friends"? Hehe. I really like her, and am content to hang out.

Ah.

And then, a total muddle of heaps of other people - haha! Ones I have not yet named. A couple of intriguing stories which I may write about later.

This is where any meaningful distinction between friends and lovers breaks down, for me...

Of the people I really like to hang out with, there are some who for whatever reason I am not sexually attracted to. Then there are others who I sometimes am hot for. Then others who I am almost always hot for.

This doesn't necessarily correlate to how deep/intimate my relationships with these people are.

I've been happy to see how relaxed a lot of folks on this forum are about having sex with friends, as just another shared activity among others. I feel the same way too.

I don't see the point of a blog here chronicling all the people I've slept with.

Nor does it make sense as a chronicle of all the people I love or am friends with.

What the fuck am I writing about?! Haha.

Life is great. If you're reading, have a kiss from me Yes, I'm crazy but the people know me well assure me that it's a beautiful kind of crazy.

Last edited by fuchka; 08-09-2013 at 02:02 AM.
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  #22  
Old 08-10-2013, 04:30 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Holy hell.

Grotto loves me so much.

We just chatted online, and he told me he's okay if I see where things go with Lobe.

What he needs:
- reassurance
- for me to move back soon and
- me to take care of him.

All these I can do.

...

I asked how long he's thought this way (some time) and whether he was sure (yes) and whether he felt pressure from me (no). He said this was coming from a place of love, because he could tell there were feelings involved.

He said he wanted a continued restriction on having casual sex with his friends, but this was an exception.

This is a huge deal.

... I have no idea how this is going to turn out...

... whether Lobe will even be interested...

I hung out with him all night last night. We were conscious of the boundary required and we did not fuck up. Maybe some slight slippage but we caught ourselves and behaved.

Lobe cares about Grotto very much. He likes him and doesn't want to hurt him.

Man.

Not sure how to take the news. Relieved! Petrified! Wish Grotto was in bed with me right now, just want to hold him and sleep.

Ocean's here in a couple of days. He and Lobe get along well together, and three of us were planning to catch up anyway.

Happy families? Haha. Haaaaar.

!!

Djuna stood me up again this morning for Skype date. Again as in, she's often been unable to make dates. Although I am concerned about letting her know, when I'm going to be late, she usually just doesn't do this. And apologises afterwards. I'm getting a bit sick of it, cos I feel I do make an effort.

Maybe I should mirror the amount of effort she puts in, more.

Maybe it's time to scale back expectations. As in, have none?
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  #23  
Old 08-10-2013, 04:53 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Holy hell.

Grotto loves me so much.

We just chatted online, and he told me he's okay if I see where things go with Lobe.

What he needs:
- reassurance
- for me to move back soon and
- me to take care of him.

All these I can do.

...

I asked how long he's thought this way (some time) and whether he was sure (yes) and whether he felt pressure from me (no). He said this was coming from a place of love, because he could tell there were feelings involved.

He said he wanted a continued restriction on having casual sex with his friends, but this was an exception.

This is a huge deal.

... I have no idea how this is going to turn out...

... whether Lobe will even be interested...

I hung out with him all night last night. We were conscious of the boundary required and we did not fuck up. Maybe some slight slippage but we caught ourselves and behaved.

Lobe cares about Grotto very much. He likes him and doesn't want to hurt him.

Man.
I can empathize with where you are right now. I messed up with Dude before we got things sorted out. Which led to a 3 mos period of Dude being cut out of our lives completely (which was necessary at the time but hard on all three of us - because we all DO care about each other). (You can read the whole sordid tale in my Journey blog here.)

There were several stages to us getting things right. First was Dude and MrS reconciling. Then 3 months of taking it slow and doing things "right". But when MrS got to the point of being comfortable with me and Dude exploring things...Wow. My husband loves me THIS much...God.

Go slow. Deep breaths. Be gentle with yourself and each other. And Good Luck.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #24  
Old 08-11-2013, 02:41 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Hey JaneQ! Yes I had followed your story and did notice a similar genesis of things in my case Thanks for the message. I have no doubt that having read your journey in the past helped me to understand and make peace with the complexities of this. Reading the blogs on here has really helped me judge my own behaviour in the unfamiliar and uncommon situations that sometimes come up when you're non-monogaomous! Probably thanks a lot to this forum, my resolve to not put pressure on Grotto, to shift his boundary, was solid.

I spent last night with Lobe... It was gentle, exploratory, healing. Also fucking hot when things flared up. He's been craving touch - said he's been isolated for a while, having moved to the city about a year ago and not having made many friends here. It's hard, starting from zero.

Anyway, all this I had felt from him. The yearning... Was like gravity to me. In a way, I've also been needing touch (since moving here) but my desire for him was more specific to who he is, how his mind works, how having his input enables my thoughts and actions to go further in a good way.

There have been quite a few times I've felt like saying "I love you" to Lobe. It's a phrase that flows freely from my lips. But this time, I want to hold back. I want to wait until it means something more specific, in this particular relationship (if at all). Not sure what, just... I dunno. I want to have more patience here. Watch my own story unfold.

Not to be fatalistic, but simply to have a lighter touch. Enjoy the sunshine that warms me through no more effort of mine than: me choosing to remain in its beams, and experience.

Just chatted with Grotto on Skype. He's quite hungover but doing okay otherwise. Checked in with him about things with Lobe. All good... Fuck, we're really doing this. This is really okay. As we were hanging up the call, Grotto asked me to tell him to be strong.

Me: "Why?"

Him: "Because I really want to read your blog."

The last time he did this made me flip out a bit. At that point, I considered whether I'd be okay with him reading this... and I decided I really needed this space, for myself.

I told him I wasn't sure if I'd be okay with him reading. He said he understood, that it was okay, and he wanted me to have the space if I needed it.

On the other hand, since he brought it up, I think it's a good idea to consider this again. I've thought about it before, from time to time, so no harm revisiting. In a way it would be nice to share this with him. But I wouldn't want to hold back on writing about darker moods, and some of those feelings would be relating to him, maybe triggering, or hitting him in tender places. We'd need to figure how to manage this.

One idea could be that he doesn't generally follow this blog, but he can read it at certain points in time.
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  #25  
Old 08-11-2013, 05:48 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Hey JaneQ! Yes I had followed your story and did notice a similar genesis of things in my case Thanks for the message. I have no doubt that having read your journey in the past helped me to understand and make peace with the complexities of this.
You are very welcome and I am pleased to no end if anything I wrote was helpful. (The act of writing it was beneficial to me, if it helps any other person through their journey - Whee!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
As we were hanging up the call, Grotto asked me to tell him to be strong.

Me: "Why?"

Him: "Because I really want to read your blog."

The last time he did this made me flip out a bit. At that point, I considered whether I'd be okay with him reading this... and I decided I really needed this space, for myself.

I told him I wasn't sure if I'd be okay with him reading. He said he understood, that it was okay, and he wanted me to have the space if I needed it.

On the other hand, since he brought it up, I think it's a good idea to consider this again. I've thought about it before, from time to time, so no harm revisiting. In a way it would be nice to share this with him. But I wouldn't want to hold back on writing about darker moods, and some of those feelings would be relating to him, maybe triggering, or hitting him in tender places. We'd need to figure how to manage this.

One idea could be that he doesn't generally follow this blog, but he can read it at certain points in time.
I think understand how you feel about negotiating with your partners on how much they should be be invited to share in your blogging here (which is, after all, a public space).

I posted the following on BP's blog (link to post). (The post is directed toward someone else who commented on her blog - sorry for the disconnect.)

Quote:
...As for her blog being a "safe" place to discuss what comes up in her relationships and not wanting him to get upset with what he reads here. The benefit of a blog journal is, in my opinion, the benefits of journaling combined with feedback from others who may have insight into our situations by having been through similar experiences. If she feels she has to filter her posts so that he doesn't get upset then some of that benefit is lost. She hasn't said that he can't read her blog but that it should be recognized for what it is.

When I decided to open an account here and start blogging about my journey I asked my boys what they thought and whether they foresaw being active participants in the forums (neither are really forum-poster types) because I would utilize the forums differently (at least initially) if they were going to be reading everything I posted over my shoulder. I use writing to "work through" my feelings - so an individual post may reflect my immediate reaction and thoughts at the moment but not reflect my final, mature response after processing. MrS immediately "got" what I was asking - he said that if I needed to use the forums as a form of "group therapy" and didn't want him reading my blog so that I would be free to express myself "in the moment" then he wouldn't read them** (reminding me, at the same time, that this is a public place so be careful about identifying info). Dude was of the opinion that the posts I wouldn't want him to read were the very one's that he "needed" to see - I told him that if we "needed" to talk about something after I processed it then we would (I don't hold back when I am upset - I just need a day to frame my response and create an "outline" for what I want to communicate). I have shown/read to him many of my posts here (turns out that I can't have him reading my "posts-in-progress" word document but by the time I have finished them for posting I don't really mind.)
...

JaneQ

**...and he wouldn't, ever, unless I specifically asked him to. Even if he was mad or suspicious or divorcing me. MrS is fundamentally the most ethically straightforward person I have ever met. If he tells me this forum is "my space" it becomes a black hole to him, completely off limits, not even a temptation. Not because I "made" him but because he made that decision himself, for reasons that he found valid and would not rescind that because that would counter what HE considers ethical behavior.
Now, I did write this over a year ago when my relationship with Dude was just over a year old. I have mellowed a bit in my reactions since then. MrS still has no drive whatsoever to read my forum posts - if there is something interesting that I want to share with him I read posts (mine and others) to him - which he is fine with, as part of a conversation.

Dude is much more reassured that I will share relevant posts with him (as I have been doing consistently) - so he feels no need to read my posts unless I am here (to elaborate if needed). I'm still not comfortable with him (or anyone) reading over my shoulder while I am in the midst of the "compositions process."

******

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
There have been quite a few times I've felt like saying "I love you" to Lobe. It's a phrase that flows freely from my lips. But this time, I want to hold back. I want to wait until it means something more specific, in this particular relationship (if at all). Not sure what, just... I dunno. I want to have more patience here.
This is NOT a phrase that falls from my lips easily (I have written about this elsewhere)...so frame my comment with that in mind. I think that, in this case, your waiting and patience makes a lot of sense. You are starting from a very tender place (amongst the three of you - you, Grotto, Lobe) and I think that when you choose to say this (if you do), it would be wise to consider WHAT exactly that would mean/imply for the others involved.


Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Watch my own story unfold.
I am ... with baited breath!

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #26  
Old 08-14-2013, 10:45 PM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Hey JaneQ - thanks for your further thoughts. I have some specific concerns re: sharing this blog, which I intend to tease out at some point.

Busy week so far. Ocean's been here, and it's been lovely to show him around the city. This is my life right now.

We had a funny comment about monogamy, triggered by some comments my brother made to the effect that he "couldn't believe that Ocean would really want this, ideally. Surely he would prefer to have you to himself."

Ocean said to me - "how can I put this in a nice way. I'd rather not have you around all the time."

Hilarious. Ocean followed up with (totally unnecessary) clarifications about wanting to live with me, loving spending time with me etc etc, awww. It's okay baby, I get it.

A somewhat connected sentiment this morning:

I'm usually much perkier than Ocean when I wake up, and I'm one of those first-thing-in-the-morning Talkers that Snoozy Morning People seem to be infuriated by. (I try to curb, but it's hard.)

This morning, I woke up with a blah-blah-blah.

Ocean: So you're awake, are you?
me: Yup. Don't you miss me when I'm not around?
Ocean: Yes, I do. Now can you... remind me how it feels like to miss you? [waves me out of bed]

Last night, Ocean and I went out drinking with Lobe. Two-way conversations seemed to flow better. Ocean and Lobe had some intense dialogue that I was interested in, but had no in to. It wasn't a problem, I was happy to chill out. But it was odd, to feel a bit third-wheel-ish

Yesterday afternoon at work had a bit of a fuck up that stressed me out for several hours afterwards. My manager asked if I had a minute to chat. Then she sounded me off about the possibility of me staying on until the end of the year (contract currently ends mid October). Grotto and I had recently decided that I would not take an extension if it was offered (however previously the possible extension floated to me was an extra six months.)

I was a bit put on the spot by this comment, and thought the end of the year is not as much to ask of me. I said that I would consider it if they asked me, and it may work for me.

Grotto was thrown by this, cos he'd stopped stressing about the distance aspect of our relationship.

I felt awful... wanting to help out with work, wanting to stay on for a few reasons, but mostly wanting to go back to the city where most of my folks are.

In the end, I sent a text to my manager in the evening retracting my "tentative yes" to her proposal. I know I didn't owe it to her or strictly need to, but I needed to, to get closure on it and stop my frettin.

Conflicting desires, eh! But you gotta do what you gotta do.
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  #27  
Old 08-17-2013, 03:01 AM
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Negotiated an end date at work. 3 October. After that, I can let them know if and when I'm available for further project work. Wow... I feel really good about this. Coming "home".

I've started calling this city "home". I'm not particularly attached to the place (in fact, I prefer the city I'm working in), but it's where my people are. My family base.

Being unemployed again will be a bit scary, but together we can pull through financially (and hopefully I will not be unemployed for long.) Grotto's offered to help out with our (Ocean's and my) rent if need be.

Lobe said he'll miss me. I said I'll visit. I'm getting teased a bit for having relationships in different places... Let's see how this goes
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  #28  
Old 08-18-2013, 04:20 PM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Started writing this morning, but trailed off

Quote:
Strange to feel lonely, when I'm not alone in the house. Maybe a come-down from last night - shisha with friends. I love sharing smoke that way. The fat, fruity bubble of double apple.

Meant to spend the day with Grotto today but I'm feeling weird. Want time to myself, perhaps.

Grotto says he's happy to do whatever I want to do. I think I want to go back to my place and hang out there.

I'm feeling nervous...
Now I'm in a completely different mood. Had a wonderful day with Grotto. He asked me what I wanted to do, and we pretty much did that. I wasn't dictating as such; I don't think we did anything that he didn't want to as well. But still, was nice to say what I felt like. To be a bit looked after.

Back again on the overnight train tomorrow. Usually I go straight to work from the train (it gets in around 7am), but this time I'm planning a detour via Lobe's place, for, er... a cuddle, and a shower... etc. Heh. Hope I don't get too late for work. We have flexible working hours but I have a lot to get done these days. Sex is exercise though. Breakfast of champions
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  #29  
Old 08-19-2013, 03:24 PM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I hope you enjoy(ed) your time with Lobe.

Kudos on working out an agreement as far as your last day of work and giving them notice well in advance. Good luck on the job search, if you have not already started!

Ry
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  #30  
Old 08-23-2013, 05:50 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Hey Fulloflove - thanks! Job search is a bit depressing actually... there are exactly zero vacancies in my field, in the city I'm moving back to, but heaps of jobs here. I can see how I could grow here, in the career I want. Can't see that so clearly in the other place. I'm trying not to think about it too hard.

Anyway! Making the most of where I am, while I'm here

The other day, I ending up going to work first and seeing Lobe afterwards. Wise decision in the end... Seriously, what was I thinking? Haha.

Things with him are great. We're not talking about any serious stuff re: future direction. Keepin it chilled. I feel like this could work out in so many different ways... a brief fling to kickstart an ongoing friendship, or possibly some crazy integration of this relationship into our close famiy ?!? I brought this up with Grotto, cos we've started dreaming about a big sharehouse. Could Lobe live with us? Yeah, apparently. That would be okay.

Still no clue as to what Lobe would feel about that. We're both simply enjoying getting to know each other. Last night we did cryptic crosswords. This weekend we're gonna go indoor rock climbing, maybe mess about with electronics. The sex: is. great. Nuff said.

In other news, Ocean and Menrva broke up a couple of days ago. It was a long time coming... this was only his second experience dating someone (the first was me) and relating to her was harder than he expected. Many lessons learned. One tricky aspect will be their continuing work relationship... Not only do Ocean, Menrva and her husband Bert all work together in the same department, but also Ocean and Bert are job-sharing. Luckily they do not share an office (Menrva and Bert are in one office, and Ocean is in another down the hall). That could have been very awkward. Things will still be pretty awkward as it is. Hmm. Can't be helped, I guess.

Ocean's doing okay, and it sounds like Menrva mostly is too. Wish I was there, though... Breaking up is never fun.
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