Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Closed Thread
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-10-2013, 05:35 AM
Aery's Avatar
Aery Aery is offline
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Paso Robles, (Central CA)
Posts: 74

Its actually kind of sad now. Because we would've had that conversation in the morning, and we would've talked about things and probably done some things. The conversation my wife and I needed to have so much, and are having now, didn't have to be brought on in such a traumatizing way. We would still have our friends, and could've grown without the heartache.
Why so tramatized///??? Of course it's weird to have a new experience.... but isn't your wife a wonder still? and moreso a real person? I find this whole deal and you quite sweet, actually

Last edited by Aery; 08-10-2013 at 05:37 AM.
Old 08-10-2013, 12:29 PM
BrigidsDaughter's Avatar
BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 822

I disagree with the whole "but you gotta figure out how to get her to change her mind." part of Fleur's post... if they believe in monogamy, possible in swinging in the right circumstances. That's what they believe. Why does he need to change her mind? Why can't we just learn to accept people as they are, love them as they are, and let them grow naturally? Why is it that people jump on the "find a way to change" them bandwagon?
Old 08-10-2013, 12:37 PM
Flear Flear is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Chilliwack, BC
Posts: 116

Brigids, good point, i used the wrong words, ...

if curious wants to pursue anything with his lady that isn't so one sided, he's gotta do things differently, if he continues to do things the way he has gone about them in their relationship it's going to remain her doing what she wants and her insisting he can't, ... if he wants that to change, he's gotta change how he does things.

sorry, didn't mean to make it sound like you can force someone to think differently
Old 08-10-2013, 04:06 PM
ConfusedMonoCouple ConfusedMonoCouple is offline
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 11

Honestly, she really doesn't think it's right for her to indulge her curiously when I have no desire to sleep with other woman solo (and really the groupsex was just a drunken lust thing, I have no ideological need to do it, the way she may have a need to explore what she missed out on). I'm not sure I agree with her that its not right 100%, because we'd both be having what we wanted. But we are inexperienced and I can't shake the notion the experience would be a bit like swimming with sharks. We don't want to loose what we have.

And believe me, I do blame myself, but its not, and it wasn't my responsibility alone to prevent us from making mistakes. I take equal share but its our job, if we were going to be a monogomous couple, to communicate when something needs to change. We failed at that as a unit. She failed as a wife and I failed as husband.

Also, regarding the trauma, I think that may be something hard for poly people to relate to. My notion of who my wife was got destroyed in an instant. We've been ignoring our sex life for years and she was a conservative, one man kind of woman. The love of my life. To see her like that, beneath another man so abruptly, shook all my notions of reality. My entire concept of love and sexuality were so inextricably tied together and to her, that when I heard her say "FUCK ME. PLEASE FUCK ME." to another man, and I knew I was nowhere in her mind.. well it was like wile-e-coyote with that box of TNT. Everything I knew about sexuality exploded into nothing, and it was so interwoven with the concept of love and marriage that it took a huge chuck out of that as well.

I'm much better for it. I'll admit that. My love and faith in her is stronger now, because it doesn't have to lean on inadequette sex. I'm also a much better lover. It's as though all the jealousy and fear and pressure of sex, and that stupid feeling that she might not love me if I didn't provide it well enough, have vanished into thin air. It feels so freeing. It's amazing how my performance issues have vanished.

Last edited by ConfusedMonoCouple; 08-10-2013 at 05:18 PM.
Old 08-10-2013, 08:40 PM
Flear Flear is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Chilliwack, BC
Posts: 116

lets consider your just having a hard time writing out what really happened, ... once more write down everything that happened, just the details about the things that happened, ... no excuses about why anything was done, ... just the things that happened, what was said, ... write it in pen on paper so you can really see it

if someone else did that to your wife, what would you do to them ?

if someone else got her drunk and put her in a situation where she's getting laid by another guy while the person who put her in that situation looks on and allows it to happen.

are you going to deny you were a part of any of that ?

so write down what happened, no excuses, no justifications, write down what happened, then ask yourself, if anyone else did that to someone you know, what would you do ? what would you do if it was your wife they did that too?

and your going to try to call the pity card ? about how hard it's been on you ? or how much better you feel about your performance in the bedroom ?

or your writing some fantasy story, ... either way, grow up.

and you still don't know a thing about responsibility
Old 08-10-2013, 09:20 PM
ImaginaryIllusion's Avatar
ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,016
Exclamation Closed

That's all quite enough now. It seems people are having a tough time maintaining civility in this thread.

As we don't have the time and resources to constantly monitor smoldering flame pits, this will be locked.
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
Closed Thread

non-consent, predator

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 04:01 AM.