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  #131  
Old 06-26-2013, 09:44 PM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
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I wouldn't ever want to know the bedroom details of my partner and other folks she's with (what Nadya called #2). I'd certainly want to know if and when other partners of hers enter the picture, though (what Nadya called #1).

So, part of DADT is definitely my preferred model (I'd find it both oversharing and a breech of the other's privacy not to keep bedroom details to yourself - in that way, DADT is just a part of what I'd call loving respect, and for myself, I couldn't really see a healthy ship work without it);
and another part of it is something I don't want at all (I don't see poly/open arrangements work out running on secrets and a lack of honesty).
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  #132  
Old 06-28-2013, 06:29 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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don't you feel rather... policed by that kind of approach? I mean, it clearly sounds like you are just plain not trusted. Not trusted to be rational, not trusted to respect your commitments, and not trusted to make choices about how to live your own life.
It's annoying for sure, but you've got to take it in context: He watched me shatter into pieces over the first person I dated outside our marriage (she was a really bad trip.) Her appearance in my life wasn't planned, and it surprised and hurt him to see me fall for someone else, and then watching me suffer over her was no picnic. He's not generally an overbearing, overprotective man, or he would NOT be my life partner.

But, since he IS my life partner, I don't expect him to do all the compromising. He thought he was getting monogamy in his marriage, I thought I could handle it--and did for 15 years. Now, I've changed the rules. It's unrealistic to expect him to suddenly overcome a lifetime of thinking a certain way. He's already stepped far out of his comfort zone to accommodate MY needs, as he himself has no desire for other partners.

If the question is "Does DADT work?" we have to admit that this way of having multiple relationships has a long, distinguished history. I mean, ever since there's been marriage, there's been secret love affairs, plenty, I'm sure, which are fulfilling for all parties involved. At least in my situation, everyone knows they're in a DADT relationship...But that being said, I personally hope hubby and I come to a more open place over time. But for now, his insistence on DADT is not a deal-breaker for me.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I would say that a lot of inner work needs to be done, individually and between the two of you, to dig deeper at fears, trust issues, and communication, before you ever embark on any relationships outside your marriage.
Well, that's a nice idea, but I don't think my sexuality is a genie that I'm willing to shove back in her bottle just now, I've already been repressing her for 15 years. My husband and I work very hard on our marriage, we stay mindful, we talk a lot, we support each other in our careers, we laugh, we argue, we cuddle, we make love. I accept that he might never be the guy capable of the sort of open relationship many have on this forum. He's just plain more traditional. So, we either wiggle around in our comfort zones and try to find a place where we can BOTH live comfortably, or we go our separate ways. So far, every day, we make the choice to stay together.
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  #133  
Old 06-28-2013, 07:21 PM
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Oh, good for you two - that is a much more clear picture, and entirely different from how it sounded at first. You actually sound like you're in much better shape than most folks I've encountered who have a DADT policy.

It sounds like he does trust you, but he just doesn't want to hear or see what you're up to, in order to avoid the possibility of seeing you suffer or get yanked around emotionally. He wants you to be happy but has no frame of reference for how to be there for you if things seem rough or like a rollercoaster. I guess at some point, you could say, "Look honey, I've been having relationships with other people for X years now and everything's been going well. I think it's time that I not be expected to keep it all a secret."

I didn't mean to sound judgmental, but it just seemed like an area of concern when you said you had to prove to him that you could handle other relationships and not let them fuck up your marriage. The proving part triggered my reaction - I hate feeling like I have to pass a test for people I love, but I totally projected my own shit onto your situation. Sorry about that!
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  #134  
Old 07-09-2013, 07:05 PM
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ICanBeStunning ICanBeStunning is offline
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Hi there... I'm new but:

As a person who has dated one half of a couple (and later got involved with the other), I wouldn't get involved in a DADT situation again. My married man didn't tell his wife about me for some 3 years I think... the last 2 years of our relationship she knew some things and the last year itself the 3 of us were more involved together.

From what I know, it want so much that he lied to her for 3 years or actively kept me a secret... she didn't want to know who, just that he'd be out for the night with another. She didn't realize that I was the only other for 3 years running and that we were developing something more than polyfuckery.

Learned my lesson... no more of that ever. When she did find out, she wasn't too happy at first.... but then I wondered if she didn't want to find out things like this well after the fact, then why not inquire during. And then there was the entire walking on eggshelks bit about what she could know.
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  #135  
Old 08-10-2013, 06:53 PM
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Default What does "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT) mean to you?

What does "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT) mean to you?

I think what distinguishes DADT from other non-monogamous relationship styles is the importance of keeping other partners hidden. Consent is (`can be) involved, but it is a generic consent, rather than the specifically informed consent I believe is an important part of polyamorous relationships.

Yesterday, I heard another possibility described, where if one considers disclosure as a sliding scale from extreme secrecy to sharing everything, then DADT falls somewhere on that scale. Do others see it this way?

I tried to image what the steps along this sliding scale of disclosure would look like.
  1. You know nothing about your partners' partners, never want to meet them and never want to hear about them.
  2. You've met each OSO once, but insist upon never seeing them again, nor discussing them.
  3. You don't mind bumping into OSOs and know who they are, but don't make plans including them and prefer not to discuss them.
  4. You know OSOs well, consider them at least good acquaintences, and sometimes include them in plans, but don't share details about sex and intimacy with them.
  5. You are good friends with OSOs (when friendship is reciprocated), they are a regular part of your life, you share details about sex and intimacy... perhaps even *expected* to share details.
I would call only #1 DADT. I think #2-5 are not DADT, hopefully obviously in some cases. Until yesterday, I didn't think there was much difference of opinion about what is and is not DADT. I got the impression some people think that if you're not extremely open (as with #5) that meant you had a kind of DADT relationship.

I'm very curious what this group thinks.

Last edited by drtalon; 08-10-2013 at 06:57 PM.
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  #136  
Old 08-10-2013, 07:06 PM
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Originally Posted by drtalon View Post
I'm very curious what this group thinks.
This group doesn't agree on a single solitary thing, I assure you lol

To me for an agreement to qualify as DADT it includes a degree of denial. It is a retreat from the necessity of coming to terms with the reality of someone's life. It is refusing to take part in growing intimacy when it comes to that aspect of their lives. It is allowing insecurity and fear to dictate the nature of a relationship instead of desire and personal preference.

It would be the first entry on your list, though the second entry is dangerously close.

The last entries on your list are about a sense of propriety and interest in hearing the details of other people's lives. While IV and I will discuss her sex life with her partners in the abstract, I don't want for her to describe the wet smacking noises of her love making. It's just more information than I'm interested in. This is not a denial of the reality of her life or excluding myself from intimate details, it is just personal preference.

I also don't want to hear the details of her bowel movements - to put things in perspective.
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  #137  
Old 08-10-2013, 07:06 PM
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Of course there are a lot of other possibilities on the scale. For example- you may not be interested in being social with the OSO but want to hear all the details of the relationship- emotional and sexual. Or only want to know about the emotional part but not the sexual-or you may want to hear about the sexual part but not the emotional part.

Or- you may want to spend social time with the OSO but not want to hear about the relationship.

The other issue is that each person in the relationship is different on how they want to experience these aspects- and not only that, but that could actually change from one relationship to the other.

I personally would prefer to be social with everyone and know everything- that is just how I am- but each person in the configuration has their own personal boundaries so I have to honor that.

Also- I may not particularly like one of the OSOs and I may decide not to pursue social intersections with them (even if they want it) just because I don't feel a social compatibility.

I like scales and it would be fun to develop yours more! But I'm thinking that the possibilities are so endless that it would be hard to put it on one page! It might be fun to try though. I wonder if anyone has already put one together?
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  #138  
Old 08-10-2013, 07:09 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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I think the 5 scales are too few. For Woodsmith and Seven 5 is pretty much where the relationships are only without the details of sex (intimacy yes, because they both want to know that the relationship with the other is going alright for me emotionally).
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  #139  
Old 08-10-2013, 07:20 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
This group doesn't agree on a single solitary thing, I assure you lol
LOL

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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
To me for an agreement to qualify as DADT it includes a degree of denial.
I was in AA for 20 years and the topic of denial was talked about a lot. One day I realized that some denial is necessary for our survival. If all denial was immediately removed from the planet, everything would fall apart.....within hours.....like a house of cards.

That said, I am fortunate to have a relationship with my SO where we can share about our other relationships. I'm a little different from Marcus in that I like to hear the details of his sexual experiences with his girlfriend and I even like to watch if given the opportunity!
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  #140  
Old 08-10-2013, 07:24 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Well with my ex, I did what I wanted, I didn't tell him and he didn't ask. I was not allowed (yes I said allowed) to smoke, drink , go to bars, date others (unless he was "in on it") but I went to bars, stayed out until 4-5 am with my girlfriend and I smoked. So in assuming he knew what was going on but as long as it wasn't discussed or in the open in was fine.

I didn't like the situation but wasn't willing for war so I left and when N and I got together we entered into it as poly.
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