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  #31  
Old 02-09-2010, 04:56 PM
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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Oh it's quite possible to have a fluid bond with a secondary - I know of several people that do it - especially in what is generally known as polifidelitous setups where they don't all live together.

Sorry - I know that was a bit nitpicky, but I have learned that just when you imagine how things are you meet a relationship that throws it all in the air again! I love poly for that reason - there's no one "right" way to do it, and those different ways are celebrated by the community at large.
You missed the crucial usually that preceded those statements
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  #32  
Old 02-09-2010, 04:58 PM
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You missed the crucial usually that preceded those statements
Oops, my bad!
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  #33  
Old 02-10-2010, 08:48 PM
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I will use them when speaking of no one specific-as in drawing out a picture of what any given type of relationship is to me.
BUT I don't have "secondary" sexual relationships. If I am sexual with someone-they aren't secondary to me.
I HATE when people ask me about "my secondary". I answer "I don't have one".
I in fact don't even like the word "boyfriend" (it doesn't bother me to be called GG's girlfriend though), because it suggests that there is less importance to that relationship than there is with Maca who is my "husband".

Can't stand the whole heirarchy b.s.
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  #34  
Old 02-10-2010, 11:09 PM
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I in fact don't even like the word "boyfriend" (it doesn't bother me to be called GG's girlfriend though), because it suggests that there is less importance to that relationship than there is with Maca who is my "husband".
I don't like the term boyfriend either, but maybe not for the same reason. I'm seeing someone new and I am grappling with to call him/think of him as. I don't like the terms primary, secondary, etc. Boyfriend doesn't seem right, but we haven't been seeing each other long enough for anything else.
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  #35  
Old 02-11-2010, 03:13 AM
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Hi guys,

I was just wondering - does anyone else HATE terms like Primary and Secondary as much as I do??

It partly stems, for me, from a bad past experience of essentially being told "you're only the secondary - I'll spend time with you when I can be bothered. Until then, clear off." To me, it just sounds like it means "less important."

So do you like these terms? Do you use them to describe your relationships? If not, which words do you use?

These days I just refer to xmakina as "my fiance" and N as my "boyfriend/partner." People I see casually I usually just refer to as "my friend," or sometimes FWB depending who I am talking to. I also rather like the phrase coined by my friend J, "friends.... etc."

So how do you define your relationships? How do you differentiate between them when explaining your situation, if at all?

Love xx
I think that perhaps the one who called you their secondary was just not that into you, not that you were secondary. Not less important, just not as much desired. That's what I get from that.

I use the terms you describe and others to describe what my poly is to those who know nothing about it or me. Then I add on the end that our relationship style has become normalized to us. I don't need to use definitions anymore in everyday life.

If I were to just meet you then I would tell you that I have two primaries. A husband and a boyfriend. I am fluid bonded with my boyfriend and not with my husband because he is not fixed and has a boyfriend of his own. His intimate friend he calls him. My boyfriend is mono and has no other loves but me. I have a tersiary that is an intimate friend to me and I am looking for a girlfriend that would be an intimate friend also.

Now that I have said all that I would ask that you let it all go and take me and my family for who I am as individuals not what we define ourselves as.
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  #36  
Old 02-11-2010, 03:24 AM
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I personally do not associate any emotional response to the terms Primary and secondary. I see them very clearly as a way to identify which relationships have greater impact in the sum total of a persons life. In other words, if one person were to all of a sudden disappear who would affect your entire life the most? I identify as a secondary. I have done this for over a year and see no insecurity or sense of less importance in this. I see a very clear understanding of what I bring to the relationship in broader areas beyond being a loving partner; child care, household management, financial contribution for example. The impact of my absence would be less than that of Polynerdist (the primary) therefore I see myself as secondary.
I understand resistance to something that may imply less importance...but I also accept that to look at both relationships in Redpepper's life logically from a "impact" standpoint, I am in fact less important. So what?
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  #37  
Old 02-11-2010, 04:39 AM
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Exactly what I was trying to frame in my head, Mono. I resist the idea that my other partners are less important, but if the worst happened and I had to make a choice, of course I would have to pick my husband--my primary relationship. And I accept that my other partners would have to pick their marriage. We would all seek to keep the core of our families stable, at the very least to provide a good foundation for our children. I would hope we would all work hard to avoid that outcome, but the bottom line is that I am by necessity a secondary, as they are secondaries for me.
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  #38  
Old 02-11-2010, 04:45 AM
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See-I see your point Mono-but I wouldn't do it your way Lemondrop.
I know why most people WOULD-but for me, I have a 17 year relationship with GG and an 11 year relationship with Maca-10 in marriage. I also share biological children with both of them, and the raising of 4 children (the oldest was with GG since she was 18 months-she's 18 years now/the 13 year old has been with all of us since he was 18 months old/the 10 year old has been with all of us his whole life, as has the baby).
If I were forced to say which one would have the greater impact, I wouldn't be able to. Different impacts, but both equally significant and I've spent HOURS of my time considering it.
I would say they are both DEFINITELY primary in my life.
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  #39  
Old 02-11-2010, 05:08 AM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I personally do not associate any emotional response to the terms Primary and secondary. I see them very clearly as a way to identify which relationships have greater impact in the sum total of a persons life. In other words, if one person were to all of a sudden disappear who would affect your entire life the most? I identify as a secondary. I have done this for over a year and see no insecurity or sense of less importance in this. I see a very clear understanding of what I bring to the relationship in broader areas beyond being a loving partner; child care, household management, financial contribution for example. The impact of my absence would be less than that of Polynerdist (the primary) therefore I see myself as secondary.
I understand resistance to something that may imply less importance...but I also accept that to look at both relationships in Redpepper's life logically from a "impact" standpoint, I am in fact less important. So what?
Yeah! I would miss my BF if he left for a month or so, and I'd be happy to see him when he got back. But if my HB left for a month or so, nearly every aspect of my life would feel different, and I'd have to make just as large an adjustment when he got back.

BF isn't somehow less valuable as a person, but at this point in my life, the relationship between us is secondary. And, you know what, our relationship is secondary to him too. And, yeah, it's not got any kind of emotionality to it for me.

I guess, coming from a human services background, I see it more like systems theory, which can be represented by concentric circles.

Innermost is myself. Then there's a ring of people who affect me majorly (spouse, kids0. Then there's a ring of peple who affect me minorly (BF, BFF, parents). Then there's a ring of communities I interact with (work, school, gym). Then there's a ring of local culture. Then politics.... and so on.
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  #40  
Old 02-11-2010, 06:23 AM
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Innermost is myself. Then there's a ring of people who affect me majorly (spouse, kids0. Then there's a ring of peple who affect me minorly (BF, BFF, parents). Then there's a ring of communities I interact with (work, school, gym). Then there's a ring of local culture. Then politics.... and so on.

Very nice!
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