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  #11  
Old 07-22-2013, 02:34 PM
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Thanks for all the comments everyone - I read through and considered all of them very seriously.

As to why this guy, well, I like him, I know him and he seemed less intimidating than jumping into an unknown. Meaning, I've never dated online and that seemed even more scary than navigating this entirely new poly thing. I didn't consider approaching this guy as a potentially awkward situation, as my husband and he aren't exactly BFFs or anything, and if things turned bad, it's not as if we all have to see each other often.

We had a sit down yesterday. It turns out that his hesitations and confusions were stemming from the fact that his mother had been in a poly relationship when he was younger, and her marriage ended up in divorce.

Knock me over with a feather!

Nothing to do with seeing me as my husband's property - he was surprised at this, and said one of the things he likes about me is that I am a strong woman who knows what she wants. He says he actually never considered me as belonging to someone else, just that there are going to have to navigate some issues he had baggage with due to his past.

Last night we parted ways with an understanding that we are going to go slow and that he is very much interested in a relationship. He is coming over to hang with my husband and I later this week, and we have a tentative 1-on-1 date beyond that to walk at the park.
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  #12  
Old 07-22-2013, 05:08 PM
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Awww, that's so sweet he shared his background and his fears. Have fun letting this all unfold naturally and slowly. Good luck to all of you!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
my bf: Ginger, 61, married to:
Robin, 60 (mono)
and dating (NRE): Carla and David, married couple, early 40s
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  #13  
Old 07-22-2013, 09:33 PM
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Things that happen in childhood can be confusing, because at the time you get all the emotional fallout with little understanding of what was actually going on. So cool that he was able to share this with you. Makes his hesitance and fear totally understandable - and something you can all acknowledge and work with.

All in all a great start!
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  #14  
Old 07-23-2013, 01:11 PM
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Oh, that's great that he feels safe enough to confide in you the reasons for his hesitation. I have an online friend I met thru OKC and his parents were poly in the 70s, but then they also split up, and he says in his profile that he definitely wants something monogamous (though he's into playing around as much as he can until he gets there, LOL). Some childhood shit is tough to get over.

I really think you guys are being very smart and compassionate, and moving slowly and with consideration is the way to go. Keep us posted!
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-23-2013 at 01:14 PM.
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  #15  
Old 07-24-2013, 12:27 PM
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Yeah, like mono couples never cheat and get divorced. Think it through, people.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
my bf: Ginger, 61, married to:
Robin, 60 (mono)
and dating (NRE): Carla and David, married couple, early 40s
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  #16  
Old 07-24-2013, 12:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Yeah, like mono couples never cheat and get divorced. Think it through, people.
Sure, but I see the Poly relationship as a trigger, since they've seen their parents' relationship suffer for it in the past. Much like gambling, etc. could be a trigger for some people.

If I were to meet someone whose parents divorced over a gambling issue, even though I'm not a "gambler", I'd imagine they'd have some emotional work to do if I decided to head to a casino for a night out, much less go on a regular basis.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops (previously 'P'): My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena (previously M1): Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa (previously AG): Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
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  #17  
Old 07-25-2013, 12:34 PM
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Well, we hung out last night with a group of people, including his mother. I've always liked her, but now with this extra info, I was a little nervous. (I've had brief conversations with her over the past year, every now and then in passing, at various functions/parties.) He told her we had gone out last weekend, but whether he told her the whole deal or that it was just as friends, I dunno. It made me a little unsettled. Especially since he left to go pick someone up and she immediately began dishing to me about his past relationships, and how they've all been redheads and how she's been disappointed not to have any red headed grandchildren yet. (I am a bottle redhead.) on one hand, I was happy to hear an inside scoop, but, holy crap. This was in front of my husband too. He just sat back and took it in. I haven't had a chance yet to talk to either of the guys yet about this.

All that aside, my boyfriend was sorta running hot and cold again. By the end of the night he was flirty and I felt good about things. My husband said he thinks BF is still having doubts, but it's clear he's into me.

Tonight is the night he is coming over to our house to hang out.
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  #18  
Old 07-26-2013, 01:47 PM
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Well, apparently he told her everything, and she approves. I feel like I'm in bizarro world, a little - I have mom approval! He was not happy about her comments about babies, because obviously that is way out there - not even on either of our radar screens! I don't mind so much the topic, just that I had no idea his mom knew. So that was a good conversation about communication!

I told my best friend earlier this week, and the response was also extremely positive. It feels good to have a supportive person other than my husband to talk to about all this.

Last night went really, really well. Got to know each other better - flirted over Settlers of Catan. He had wood for me. Heh.
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  #19  
Old 08-06-2013, 03:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Dick says yes , brain says no.

He'll fuck you, he'll even cheat with you, but he sees you as "another man's wife", someone else's property, not a candidate for a serious relationship. This is the type of man who would fuck his wife senseless until she has a baby, then won't touch her becsuse "you dont have sex with mommy", but will sit still for the crack whore to finish the $12 beej.
Brutal but makes sense.
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  #20  
Old 08-07-2013, 12:49 AM
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Well, we broke it off before we could get into anything much at all - I was tired of him being wishy-washy, and he just couldn't seem to keep himself together. We had a couple more dates and he was getting more and more weird. I still like him, and he asked me to allow him to revisit the issue later. With later being undetermined in the future. I told him he was welcome to approach me, but I was going to move on and would not wait. He didn't want me to, so we parted as friends and it hasn't been weird. At least, not yet.
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