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  #71  
Old 10-30-2012, 05:01 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Since you can't separate the action from the consequences,
What makes you think I don't get it. You realize I've lived this right? My wife came to me and wanted to open up our marriage too so it's not like I don't have a frame of reference on this. I got the happy wife talk.

I get the team talk too when it comes to switching careers or things central to the team. But an example of how the team "think" can be be skewed to one partner would be in regards to dangerous or expensive hobbies. I think one could argue it starts out as being about the person. If I wanted become a professional golfer or a formula one race car driver in my spare time those decisions or "wants" start with me. My spouse or partner might not have any idea of the wonderful secondary benefits that will come their way down the road. Happiness or specifically my happiness might be just a word at that point.
Or the secondary costs god forbid .....loss of time, attention and perhaps money. So in either case both would be unknown at that point....ala all about the person.


Sure after the fact it they'd have a benefit to point to but going in ...NOT so much.


By the way after I can figure out how to get 2 kids through college I want to race vintage race cars. Would it be wrong to ask them to team up to make poor old dad happy


As for your other problem ....Ive been around a long time and guys in love or want to display their love tend to move heaven and earth to show those things. He's to busy to make a phone call? I don't think ever in my truck or car and not be on the phone. Thank god for Bluetooth. So he couldn't take one night off from kink to reconnect with you...that's stunning.

Quote:
He told me that he had mixed feelings about me moving there because he thought it increased the risk of his wife finding out about me. I kind of hit the roof in my response, because his sub is local, the other women he was seeing are local, and he still has a profile up on a dating site to meet whoever so how the fuck is all that okay but if I was local it would not be???
I'm staying with Pro...slick ...real slick.
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  #72  
Old 07-28-2013, 01:57 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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So, it's been a while, and I'm back. A little wiser, and back to trying to keep my thoughts straight and thinking that writing them out will help me a bit.

I decided to add things here instead of making a new thread because this is still part of my past, and it helped me learn and grow.

It took me a long time to decide I should break up with L. It was my first poly relationship, and I made a lot of mistakes. But, I was infatuated with him, and I wasn't ready to apply the distance I needed to get some perspective on our situation. It was only when the pain had receded a little that I thought about our relationship and realized that even if all the extraneous crap disappeared from his life and allowed him to see me more often, that I didn't want that relationship back; I had compromised too many things that I know now are hard limits.

I learned that I am not willing to be in a relationship where things aren't completely open and honest. I want to be able to talk on the phone or text if I want to without worrying about upsetting someone. I don't like the way it makes me feel to be kept a secret, and I don't like thinking about being party to hurting someone else.

I learned that I am kinky as hell and I love it. I don't know that I would have had the courage to go out and explore the BDSM community without having met L. He showed me that "normal" people do stuff like this, so I decided to try. I also learned that I am happier as a Domme.

I learned that I do not have to compromise who I am or what I want. I am happily married and I love my husband, so I don't need to settle for the first guy or girl who catches my eye; I can find a relationship that's right for me. I am an awesome person and I shouldn't have to change who I am for a relationship.

And so, despite the pain it caused me, I can't say that I regret my relationship with L. I took a lot away from the experience, and the memories are sweet. But, when I realized that it wasn't going to work for me anymore, I ended it. I can say I regret that it took so long for me to open my eyes, but I remind myself that it's okay to make mistakes as long as we learn from them.

So, that basically catches me up to recent times, and I'll add another post with the new stuff.
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  #73  
Old 07-28-2013, 03:09 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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After I broke up with L, I decided to have a slutty phase. I tried to follow the advice that the best way to get over a man is to get under another one. Well, it was a lot of fun, but it just didn't give me what I need.

I'm more poly than I thought I was. I really crave intimate connections. So, while I still think casual sex is fun, I started actively looking for someone new in the kink community, since my husband isn't interested in going to play parties and such. We have a bit of a D/s dynamic and enjoy some kink, but it doesn't fulfill all my kinky desires.

So, I met a submissive man on FetLife who was planning to attend an event I was going to (I'll call him E), and started chatting with him. We hit it off, so we met for dinner and really enjoyed each other's company. We live about an hour apart, which is not ideal but certainly workable. We are currently seeing each other about every week or two, for several days. Neither of us drive so this has been practical.

He's poly and his primary lives in another country. So they don't see each other very often, which I can certainly sympathize with. I'm certainly not interested in a LD relationship again.

So, things have been going swimmingly. We've been seeing each other for a little over a month now. Sexual chemistry is great, kink compatibility is great, and we're enjoying each other's company as people. We're taking things slowly and haven't labelled our relationship as yet, which is fine. I'm not looking to jump into a formal D/s relationship although we certainly have enjoyed aspects of one.

I'm having some baggage rear its head, so I wanted to stop to think about it and that's what incited me returning here to this forum.

I have been comfortable thinking about him spending time with his primary, and their date nights and such. I haven't had any jealousy reactions or anything like that. Then a situation has come up which is bothering me. An ex girlfriend of his has moved back to town unexpectedly and they are starting to see each other again. I'm finding myself feeling sad and jealous and frustrated, so I sat down to think about why. Normally I don't feel jealous unless some needs of mine aren't being met so I wanted to consider what I am missing.

There's still quite a lot of insecurity here. I mean, they had a thing before, so he obviously has feelings for her. She's also apprenticed to a pro Dominatrix, so I'm sure she's more experienced and skilled than I am. We haven't been together very long, so there's nothing I can be sure that I offer that he isn't getting elsewhere.

It just feels different. It's not like he was already seeing her or I wouldn't feel so insecure. They just started up while we're starting up, and so it makes me uncomfortable because maybe now that he has her, he won't want me? I've met her and she seems very nice and we have chatted a bit, so I know things are all above board and I like that.

It's also really hitting my emotional baggage from L, and I realize that. It's like I can mentally separate when someone has a primary because that feels absolutely right to me since I've got one, too. But I felt like I was always of least importance with L... and so part of me is worried that is going to happen here, too. Logically, there is no reason for me to feel that way because E is not treating me like that. We text a lot, and he answers my texts even when he's with her- although when I am aware of it I leave him alone because I know I wouldn't like my time with him intruded upon. He still makes a point of doing the little things for me. L never did those kind of things.

I am also going to have to talk to him about how things will be handled at BDSM parties where both her and I will be there. I am not sure how to handle dominating someone who might have another Domme there, too. That feels funny to me.

I would prefer to at least try to own my own shit before I talk to him about it. The thing about the parties, yes I do need to talk to him about it. But my insecurity? That's not very Dominant and I should be able to deal with it. Not to mention that it's a relatively new relationship so what kind of reassurance can he really give me? We're still getting to know each other, so maybe it'll work and maybe it won't. I just happen to really like this guy so I find myself getting invested already.

I would appreciate any thoughts or advice, though.
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Me: 32 year old poly pansexual Dominant female, married to Mark (married 10 years) who has FWBs. Dating Jennifer, 5 months, and Henry, 4 months.

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  #74  
Old 07-28-2013, 08:15 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default The other woman

So, the only woman you have an issue with is the local woman he sees once a week. That's understandable. But you need to understand this other woman IS important to him; it's not that she just happens to be convenient. He's poly, there are plenty of other women he could date, he chooses to date her because he has feelings for her. And, yes, because she's close, she's able to give him more....and one day he may end up giving her more, as she gives him more....and he may not have time for you. That's how relationships build. Love takes more than emotion....it takes that, yes, but it also requires time and effort.

That's part of the consequences of distance.

You need to be happy for him, in his other relationships, because you care for him. Otherwise, you're always going to be unhappy and worried.

Just know that you are secure in yourself and your relationships, with or without him
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  #75  
Old 07-28-2013, 08:22 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I think maybe you're reading back into when I was with L? Or am I misreading your reply?

I don't think E has any specific amount of time set aside to see this woman (call her D). I don't find myself bothered by the amount of time either like I was with L and his sub. I think I am more worried about how it will affect our budding relationship than anything else.
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  #76  
Old 08-01-2013, 12:17 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I think I just have to slow down, take a deep breath, and remind myself that this is my baggage and not bring it into my new relationship.

E is not L. He is not making me feel unimportant to him. When I sent him a text on Monday and mentioned it wasn't anything important but just asked if he had some time because I was feeling chatty, he made time for me. Even when he was busy, we still texted goodnight and good morning. He's still taking care of a few little tasks I asked of him. So whatever my worries are, I will deal with them and remind myself that they are unfounded. Being hurt once does not mean I will be hurt again.

I am seeing E again this weekend and can't wait.
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  #77  
Old 08-05-2013, 09:45 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I saw E again this weekend and we had a really nice time, both in bed and out. We've been seeing each other for about a month and a half now, so I asked him if he was happy with how things are going. We had a frank talk which is good, I suppose. Better to know than not.

He told me that while he really enjoyed my company and spending time with me, he didn't think we could see each other often enough for a relationship with serious emotional ties. He says he would want to see a romantic partner more often than a weekend every two weeks. I can understand that, but it makes me sad anyway. He asked me if that was going to be a problem and I said I didn't think so. Despite my disappointment, I really enjoy him as a person and the time we spend together, and the sexual chemistry between us, and I don't want to end things just because it doesn't fit into the pigeonhole that I wanted it to.

But, it means I have to let go of the things I was hoping for. He's the best sex partner I ever had and I would have loved if it turned into more. I really enjoy playing with him at kink parties too. And I can still do both of those things. But I doubt I'll ever collar him as my submissive or have him fall in love with me. And I have to remind myself that it's okay. Not every relationship is going to go there, and that doesn't mean I can't enjoy it for what it is. But it still hurts, because I know I was already starting to develop feelings for him. And it's easy to tell myself that intellectually, but harder in practice.

I'm sad. I know I can still keep looking for a submissive, and I'm sure I will. I was heartbroken over L, but someone new came along. Someone will again. But that doesn't mean I don't hurt now. Which feels bizarre since I guess things are exactly the same as they were before... except that I have to put away the hopes of anything more. So maybe they're not.

It's just weird because it's almost like we're acting like things are the same. He said he recognized that I was getting emotionally attached, and it was just not something he could be in the headspace for because of the distance. He asked me if it was going to be a problem for me and I said no, and then we kind of went on with our morning together and continued making plans for the next time we are going to see each other. He asked me if I wanted to do some kink and I said no, though. I wasn't in that mindset at all. I was hurting and just wanted to keep things together because I really don't want to stop seeing him. I just have to mourn a little bit and I hate that.

I really liked E. He's an awesome guy and we clicked so well together kinkwise and sexwise. And I genuinely enjoyed him as a person. But I guess I don't meet his needs.

Rejection sucks, even if it's just mostly theoretical. I feel like crying even though I feel like I have no reason to be.
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Me: 32 year old poly pansexual Dominant female, married to Mark (married 10 years) who has FWBs. Dating Jennifer, 5 months, and Henry, 4 months.


Last edited by Vicki82; 08-05-2013 at 09:49 PM.
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  #78  
Old 08-06-2013, 01:18 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I'm sorry you're feeling sad about this.
I don't think it's a merely theoretical rejection btw, and I think you have every right to mourn the fact that this relationship is not going to be the way you would prefer it to be.
Adjusting expectations is always hard. You have to think carefully if what he does have to offer you is enough for you to be satisfied and happy - or that it will remain a source of frustration and hurt. Not something you can decide on immediately of course, but something to keep in mind and to watch out for.
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  #79  
Old 08-06-2013, 06:27 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
I'm sorry you're feeling sad about this.
I don't think it's a merely theoretical rejection btw, and I think you have every right to mourn the fact that this relationship is not going to be the way you would prefer it to be.
Adjusting expectations is always hard. You have to think carefully if what he does have to offer you is enough for you to be satisfied and happy - or that it will remain a source of frustration and hurt. Not something you can decide on immediately of course, but something to keep in mind and to watch out for.
Thanks, Cleo. I know I have to be careful not to find myself in the same situation I was in with L, now- accepting a relationship that doesn't meet my needs. At least I have my eyes open about it this time.

I guess what I'll do is continue to enjoy spending time with E as long as we're both happy with it, but start looking for someone who can give me what I really want and need. I'm also feeling a little funny about potentially meeting other people in E's city, since I often go there for kink events and I expect that other people from that city will be there, too. While I enjoy E's company... I don't want to let having fun with him keep me from spending time with a new potential. I wonder how I'd feel going to an event that he goes to with someone else. Have I already poisoned myself about the parties there I enjoy?

Life is so damn complicated and the kink community is on the small side. It's not like I want to fuck my way through the local kinksters. I just want to find one person for an awesome D/s relationship.
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  #80  
Old 08-20-2013, 05:31 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Life can be complicated at times. I am still seeing E, and things are still really awesome and enjoyable. It's hard for me, because the way we interact... it's hard for me to feel like it could just be left in the FWB zone. I really have to think about that. I don't want him out of my life either way, but it would involve some changes in my relationship expectations if that's what it is, and I'd probably start dating again as well.

I just don't know. We were at a party on the weekend and I wound up letting it all out to another Domme who is a friend of his and has become a friend of mine. I decided that even if it wasn't safe, I was comfortable with it getting back to him. She told me that he has been used so badly as a secondary in the past, that maybe he is just feeling skittish. I don't know. I don't want to get my hopes up about that. If this is all it will be, it's still pretty damn good. But the intimacy between us feels like more than that. Maybe it's all in my head.

Which brings me back to square one. I have told him that I would like to set time for us to talk about things. Our conversation was rather brief, and his actions in the meantime have confused me a little. I would prefer him to clarify his own thoughts rather than for me to try and figure it out. I thought that he just wanted things to remain casual, but the way he behaved this past weekend... I don't know. So, let's be explicit and spell it out, before it gets too painful for me to pull back and be okay.

I have been chatting with another male sub, W, who seems like a nice guy and he is clearly interested in me as well. We had one in person date that pretty much lasted all day and the conversation flowed well. We also text quite frequently. If E doesn't want the type of relationship that I do, I will probably begin to pursue things with W.

I think if that happens though, I'll feel weird going to the same BDSM parties where E is, either alone or with another guy. My issues so I'll have to deal with it. Unfortunately, I leave myself wide open when I start to get involved with someone, especially when I trust them enough for kink to be in the mix. Maybe it's not the smartest thing in the world because it's easy to get hurt... but it allows me to be genuinely myself, and hopefully to find someone who will appreciate me for it.
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