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Old 02-09-2010, 03:54 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Vancouver BC
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Unhappy Not sure how to make this work anymore...

I have been reading a lot today and I have decided to post to talk about the issues that are happening in my relationship.

The BF (I'll call him S) and I have been together for about a year and a half, we live together. His GF (M) and he were together for about 6 years before he and I met but had broken up and were living apart from each other when he and I started dating. They also have a 4 year old daughter together.

He and I have been living together for just over a year. When he and I first got together, the relationship between M & S was pretty much non-existent, other than the daughter that they share.

She started to come to our house (that S and I share) with their D and would hang out while he and his daughter played. At first it was super uncomfortable for me as she didn't seem to like me and so I would stay out of her way, sit in my bedroom or go out. It pretty much sucked but I want S to have a relationship with his daughter so I did it. Then he started asking me what I thought about him and her having sex together. He and I had previously discussed having an open/poly relationship, I am poly and so am comfortable with him having other people in his life so long as they respect his relationship with me and mine with him. I didn't believe that M did and so I told him that if they slept together it would be cheating.

Finally he did convince me that she actually wanted to have a relationship with both of us and for a while it was really working. The three of us were enjoying each other and we were taking care of their daughter. That lasted a few months. Now however, nothing is going well. I started to feel very left out of the lovemaking (it was generally either all three of us in bed or him and her and more rarely me and him). Even when it was three of us it felt to me like I was just there to keep the bed warm. This could be just my insecurities coming out but they were very real feelings and I tried to communicate them to the pair of them. I tried to tell them that I was feeling that I was left out and that I didnít want to be. Eventually I actually was being left out. They would wait till I had gone out or gone to sleep to have sex. I was having sex with him one on one on very, very rare occasions.

I didnít know what to do or how to behave, I felt very threatened and that my relationship was falling apart. I donít really know what to do now. He and I still live together; he sleeps in the same bed as me one or two nights a week but usually falls asleep in front of a movie. He doesnít seem to understand/care that I am hurt by this. When she comes over they usually will sleep in a different room and have sex. If I happen to wake up (they can make a lot of noise) it upsets me because he refuses to have sex with me. He then comes to comfort me and she gets upset at him. He says he is sorry that I am upset by what they are doing but doesnít really seem all that sincere. I have been acting out of frustration and feel like I have no control. At this point, I canít move out of our house and he most definitely wonít. She is in no place to move in with him and doesnít want to.

I am just really sad and frustrated and I donít know how to talk to him any more. I cry myself to sleep every night. It seems like every time I try to talk to him I turn into this shrewish woman that I donít even recognize, which drives us even further apart. He promises to sleep in the same bed as me at night and when I wake up and find him in front of a movie and ask him to come to bed he just gets annoyed with me. I donít know what to do anymore. I do love him and I want things to work out but I really donít see anything good coming from our relationship at this point.

I wish I could make him see that I want to work and make our lives go forward together but I just donít know what to do anymore.

Thanks for reading, I know this isnít strictly a poly issue but you guys always have such great advice for folks that I thought I would try this.
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