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  #591  
Old 08-06-2013, 03:03 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I had an interesting weekend. DH and I flew to Sydney on Friday morning (my birthday), and we had breakfast at my in-law's home. We left for Palm Beach a short while later, and it was a 20 minute seaplane ride from Rose Bay to the resort. We all checked in and got settled. My little duckies were clinging to their grandparents, so DH and I had some time to kind of relax and bond with our mutual friends, his siblings, and cousins. I was telling someone that this weekend was the most relaxed I have ever seen my in-laws. Everyone was just really easygoing and happy. They were surprisingly pleasant to be around, and all of them made my birthday weekend special.

We had lunch at a local restaurant. It was overlooking the sea and the beach. The waves were crashing, and it was serene and a welcome change from the rat race that has been our lives for the past six months. For the first time, everyone was happy. My husband's cousin-in-law who never socialises with the family came down and was drinking with us and acting like we were long lost relatives.

Our children were put down for a nap after lunch, and their grandmother and Nanny J watched them while DH and I got a little one-on-one time in. Sometimes you need to just lay out a blanket, turn on a little music, pour a couple of glasses of champagne, and enjoy the surroundings and beauty of nature. Big and Rich had it right when they said, "Lost in this moment with you. I am completely consumed."

We had one of the most in-depth heart to hearts, and it was how we came to the decision to simply be in a closed, married polyship. It is with the understanding that I will not act on anything. I am committed to just us. I am free to talk to him about that side of my life without him expressing discontentment or acting like it is a pain in his bum. We have a healthy relationship structure. Poly will not consume our lives like it has in the past. It is a happy medium. He is mono, and I guess I am poly-friendly. That is about as superficial of a label as I desire. I am just happy that he accepts me and acknowledges that my views may not be cookie cutter traditional. The best part of our new happy medium is that he has no desire to change me in to what he thinks I should be.

DH and I spent some time with our children after their naps, and everyone got ready for dinner. It was an intimate, candlelit birthday dinner for 30 with the sea as our backdrop. My MIL was actively involved in planning it, and it was wonderful. DH and my MIL gave me a gift that money could never buy. They worked with my parents and siblings to get them there for my special weekend. It was the best gift I could have ever asked for. When I saw my mum, I ran into her arms. I miss her being an hour away. I was beaming with joy because I am close to my parents and siblings. The best surprise was that my siblings are staying until this weekend, and my parents are going back next weekend. A full week with my three brothers and sister, and two weeks with my mum and dad. Plus, my best friend and her family are in the area until 17th August.

After dinner, we sat outside, ate cake, talked, and watched the nightly fireworks show. DH and I left the party to get our little ones ready for bed. By 9:30, they were sleeping peacefully. We headed back to the party and socialised with everyone. My mum and I had one of our heart to hearts. She massaged my scalp while I was laying on her lap. I love my mum's wisdom and insight. I respect her tremendously and love the relationship we have. By 11:30, everyone had retired.

My birthday night was perfect until a freak twist of fate after a romantic beach rendezvous. I ended up with an Achilles sprain. My super athletic brother and my daddy asked me the following morning, "How did you manage to injure your Achilles?" I preferred not to answer how or where it happened.

Outside of that, Saturday was the worst. We took a ferry back to Sydney. Matt's aunt is very strung and uppity. Her nose is turned so far up in the air that if it rains, her arse would drown. She suggested this place for dinner. Not being from the area, I was like, "Okay. We can try it." It was not all it was cracked up to be. I have dined at some of the world's best restaurants and happily paid thousands of pounds, dollars, yen, dirhams, etc. The prices were outlandishly high. The wait was insanely long. She had called hours prior, and they told her they could not accept a reservation. However, when we got there the first question was why she did not make a reservation? We waited probably 1.5 hours to be seated. It did not get better. The service was fucking awful. The gratuity was a joke, and I refused to pay it because the service did not match. We had two waiters, and the first waiter just disappeared and never took the first group's order. I was left with a watered down coke because the waitress never brought me a fresh drink. We were seated behind a very annoying group of 24 or so year olds. The birthday girl had every girl at the table sing happy birthday to her. They were singing that song by Rihanna. Cake? They were loud, and one of them never did shut up while we were there. The service was so slow that I fell asleep at the table. I was already nauseated and in pain, and I excused myself from the table probably six times. It was just a bad night. DH left during dinner to buy me some ginger ale and crackers. I was grateful for that. I had them box up my food, and I took two bites out of it. I never did get to eat it. When we got back to our suite, I kicked off my shoes, curled up in bed, and slept until the morning.

We had breakfast at the resort, checked out, and flew back to Sydney. My in-laws cooked a special meal for my birthday and my cousin-in-law's birthday. Sunday made up for the terrible Saturday. We left Sydney around 5 PM and headed back to Melbs. My mum helped me prepared Sunday dinner for 18 people. It was very relaxed. I was feeling better and not in nearly as much pain. The nausea had subsided, and I was able to enjoy the time with my friends and family. I was happy to be back at home, too.

DH and I are having a long lunch before I pick up our children. Tonight, we are going to a drive-in movie to see The Conjuring at 9:30. All in all, everything is going much better now. The soreness in my Achilles is less than it was. It is bearable. I am the worst patient ever. I am trying to stay off of it and rest.

I am about to get ready for lunch with my love. I hope everyone is doing well. I know a few of the people on here have lost a dear friend, and I am sorry for your loss. My condolences are with the family, friends, and loved ones in their times of need.
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  #592  
Old 08-06-2013, 09:49 PM
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Sounds like you and Matt got some things figured out and came to some agreements. I'm glad most of your weekend was enjoyable. Hope your injury heals up promptly.
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  #593  
Old 08-08-2013, 01:20 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Default Being Out.

We have a lot of newbies and lurkers who read the forum. Though the novel of my life is being written in a different colour of ink in a whole new book, I do believe I have a bit of insight.

For those who are just now reading this, I was out, and now that we have relocated, not a soul here knows. My husband has strong opposition against being out, and I agree with him.

My ex and I made the decision to be out without fully considering the ramifications and the costs for all parties involved. My husband certainly had no way of knowing either. I did not bank on him being forced to choose between me or his mum. I did not bank on my in-laws blackballing my ex and insuring that she had no ties to any familial functions. I did not bank on her calling me a silly little ungrateful twit/SLUT. I did not bank on my husband's former friends and co-workers telling him that he could do better than someone who could not commit to him only. I did not bank on my own parents expressing quiet disappointment and even being told by my mum in the beginning that she did not raise me like this or to break my vows. I did not bank on people asking why I got married if I still wanted to play the field. My parents have never said it and probably never will, but I felt like I brought them shame. I did not bank on anything negative. I had my head in the sand.

As far as my children, it started off fine. My daughter used to tell my ex, "My mummy loves you." After the fireworks about six months ago, everything reversed. My oldest is not very forgiving, and even before I made the decision to sever all ties with my ex, she explicitly stated that she did not want to see her, spend time with her, or be around her. She no longer says her name, and for as long as she has been able to talk, she called her Mummy Si. I did not bank on my child's change of heart. I thought my child would not mind having a third parent. She ended up viewing her like a threat because she was the one who was taking her mummy away from her. The list goes on and on.

We chose to be out because honestly I was only concerned with my now-ex feeling like the little dirty secret and the complexities of being closeted. I did not want to always be mindful of what I said, how I acted, or anything of that nature. It seemed too tedious.

Was it nice to be able to receive invites with plus two instead of plus one? Sure. Was it nice to be able to go on dates, meet her friends, meet her family, and see the pride and joy from that? Sure. Was it nice to not have to hide or refer to her as my special friend? Sure. Was it nice to be able to hold hands, kiss, and do couple-y things? Sure. Was it worth all the pain that it caused my immediate family? No.

Unless someone outright asked, we just did not voluntarily give up the information that, "Hey. This is such and such." So yes, we were out but not shoving it down people's throats. We respected and accepted that not everyone shared the same views on relationships.

Honestly, I do regret being out, and I have no idea how long we will be undoing the damage caused by being out. No one wants to be told, "You can do better." No one wants to disappoint their parents or cause them shame. My parents have never said it, but I always felt like they were shamed by my decision to be out and living in such a way. Most of all, my decision caused my DH grief and sorrow beyond belief. I wish I had never involved my children, and I can only hope that one day my baby will forget about this. I hope she knows that I am sorry for thinking that she needed a third parent and forcing it on her to complete my full circle of being "out" and proud. My son is only one, so I know he will not remember this time in his life.

Lesson learned.
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  #594  
Old 08-08-2013, 08:25 PM
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Was it worth all the pain that it caused my immediate family? No.
We are much older than you, so I guess that makes things a bit easier for us, but it is for this reason that we have decided to not "come out" as long as our respective parents are alive. Our children are all open and supportive, they are adults and in fact one has chosen the same path, his wife is bisexual and he is fully supportive. But our parents are from another generation, they would never understand and we will never ask them to.
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Old 08-08-2013, 09:00 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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We are much older than you, so I guess that makes things a bit easier for us, but it is for this reason that we have decided to not "come out" as long as our respective parents are alive. Our children are all open and supportive, they are adults and in fact one has chosen the same path, his wife is bisexual and he is fully supportive. But our parents are from another generation, they would never understand and we will never ask them to.
I never thought about all the downsides of being out. For some people, it is probably problem-free. That was not the case over here. That was a moment of selfishness because I neglected to weigh the consequences in doing so. I did not take a single negative one in to consideration. I foolishly assumed that everyone would shrug it off and roll with it. Like I said, I had my head in the sand.

Most reactions were mild but some were extreme like my MIL and my DH not talking because of his decision to defend me and my poly side. I did not see that coming. That situation and the one with my baby will likely bother me forever. In due time I will forgive myself. That time is not here, yet, though.

We are family oriented people who are close to our loved ones, so we feel things differently than someone who has never been close to their mum, dad, grandparents, and such. In some ways, I swear my mum is secretly relieved that I have chosen to "shelve" poly. She will never say it, but that is what I believe.
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Old 08-13-2013, 03:50 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Default 22 Weeks, 5 Days - Check-In

There is no change on the poly front. I am continuing to keep my end of the deal; not contacting my ex, focusing on our marriage, listening to DH, stepping up my game in counselling, and just being around and available more. We are a constant work in progress. Our marriage is now being created on a blank canvas. We are in control of whether it turns in to a classic, timeless masterpiece, atrocity, or unexpected beautiful disaster. The amount of work we put in is directly related to the finished product. It is safe to say that we are working together to create something classic and time less.

DH and I are in a really in a good place. I love what I have with my love, and I am grateful and appreciative of what we have built together. I love learning about the man he has become and finding new reasons to fall in love with him. I love that he has taken an interest in the new things that bring me joy. He still has his interests, but they are not running his life. I am not worried about what I may want twenty-thirty years down the line. I have a good one on my team, and I am only worried about the present and maintaining this. Forget a label. Everything else has faded in to obscurity...*shrug*

I was reading my old posts within this blog, and I have come a long way. I was a pretentious, self-centred nightmare. I will never return to where I was. I have seen many positive changes in myself, and I am proud of the progress that we have made individually and jointly. Our marriage is healthy and our respective styles of communication are working beautifully. I understand him in a way that would have never been possible if the roles had not been reversed. We have several mini dates, impromptu dates, formal dates, and make sure to get QT in as a unit and a family. We do still eat breakfast and dinner as a family every day. We still spend the two hours together daily. Usually cuddling in bed while enjoying the quiet, a breakfast date at a local patisserie before work, private lunch at home or a nearby restaurant, and cuddling in front of a fire while talking about our respective days. Those two hours every day have made a hell of a difference.

I love not living by a schedule. If I want to make a froyo run with DH at midnight, I can do it. If I want to take my princess to get a manicure/pedicure, I can do it. If I want to go to the Pink concert with friends, I can do it. If I want to sit in my lounge, sip tea, and read a book, I can do it. I never have to worry where I need to be or who I need to be doing it with. I finally have time for myself. I have a calendar solely for the purposes of things pertaining to my children like a concert at her school tomorrow night or the PA meeting in a couple of weeks. Everything else, I just wing it. If I want to spend an unplanned weekend off the coast of Sydney with my family, I can do it. The level of simplicity my life has taken on has been a welcome change from the rat race I was living before. I needed to slow down because I was missing too much and wearing myself out.

The best reward is knowing that our children are much happier. I have seen a positive change in my daughter. She is quite an interesting little person and her views of the world are unlike any other child I have encountered. She is my baby, though. I always knew she was something special. I am spending more time with her and taking an active part in her school and extracurricular activities. She beams with pride when she sees me walk in to her weekly assemblies and what-nots. She is in two different dance classes every week, and I sit and watch her at both of them. We spend 30-45 minutes just talking after she gets out of school and before we pick up her brother. I love hearing about her day and all the excitement of going to school. It has been wonderful, and I firmly believe being a mum is hands down my greatest accomplishment.

I am in love with our new city. I have decided to find charitable causes to support. I have 10 charity related events on the calendar for the rest of August. I have decided to support organisations involving women and children. Especially the ones that help Sudanese victims and survivors, cancer survivors, and the families of bereaved. My contribution may be small but helping others feels natural to me. I am very fulfilled with working part-time and devoting time to charitable causes. I feel like my life has meaning and that I am something more than his wife and their mum. I have an identity and interests of my own.

The only issue DH and I are having is what my best friend described as "rich people problems." We are not rich, so I had to roll my eyes. We have investment properties in a few places. He is just not sure that we need any more properties. I disagree because I found this beautiful, contemporary beach home about 104 km from our current home, and I want it. Since he is not sure, "we" are not doing anything. I am buying it, though. I have done my research, and I know this home is a steal. Due to legal agreements before and after the marriage, I have to involve our attorneys because of the funds that will be used. Aside from that, if we ever divorce, I want to make sure that he does not try to include this new home as a marital asset because funds acquired during the marriage are not being used to purchase it or improve it.

Our former London home is now a holiday rental, and it has been booked solid since we moved out. My best friend asked to rent our villa in the Cote d'Azur from the 25th August to 2nd November, so whatever is spent on this new home will be earned back every week she and her family are there. I know how to pick prime real estate, and I know how to turn a profit. I choose homes that I would live in, and I would live in this one. Obviously, I know a little something, something, DH.

I have no complaints. The best thing I never knew I needed is the very thing I swore was never for me. I am off to read on the forums before I pick up my little duckies. I hope everyone who reads this is well. xo

Ry

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 08-13-2013 at 03:54 AM.
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  #597  
Old 08-13-2013, 06:28 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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The best reward is knowing that our children are much happier. I have seen a positive change in my daughter. She is quite an interesting little person and her views of the world are unlike any other child I have encountered. She is my baby, though. I always knew she was something special. I am spending more time with her and taking an active part in her school and extracurricular activities. She beams with pride when she sees me walk in to her weekly assemblies and what-nots. She is in two different dance classes every week, and I sit and watch her at both of them. We spend 30-45 minutes just talking after she gets out of school and before we pick up her brother. I love hearing about her day and all the excitement of going to school. It has been wonderful, and I firmly believe being a mum is hands down my greatest accomplishment.
You were worried you would be bored out of your mind . Always on the go and being busy, busy, busy, is just as much of a habit as any other addictive behavior. I see it in my husband and my mother-in-law, it is definitely an addiction. Slowing down to a pace that is healthy for you and the family takes effort and practice and can be extremely hard at first, but the results pay off in the end.

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I have decided to find charitable causes to support. I have 10 charity related events on the calendar for the rest of August.
WARNING!!! 10 is excessive for a mom of 2 that still wants to be active in their kids lives. Pick 1 to be actively involved with, and just donate money to the others. If you want to keep the slower pace you have set up for your kids, don't fall into this trap (addictive need to be busy). My husbands excuse was always, "but I'm doing this for the kids", but it took him away from the kids and they noticed. At one point it was so bad, that they started saying, "why do we need to ask dad, he won't be around anyway". When the kids go away to college, you can put your time into 10 charities.

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The only issue DH and I are having is what my best friend described as "rich people problems." We are not rich, so I had to roll my eyes.
OK, not as rich as the Queen, but... Sweety, these are rich (or the very wealthy) people problems. You may not be rich when you compare other couple in your same professions, but your income/net worth is so far above the average person, that it's hard to even comprehend. Time for a serious reality check. It's ok to have money, but it's not ok to be blind to the reality of your situation.

Seriously take a look at how going ahead with this purchase, when your husband is not on board, will do to your marriage. Yeah, your using your money, etc. but this is supposed to be a partnership and ignoring his concerns is not going to win his trust.
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Old 08-13-2013, 10:29 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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You were worried you would be bored out of your mind . Always on the go and being busy, busy, busy, is just as much of a habit as any other addictive behavior. I see it in my husband and my mother-in-law, it is definitely an addiction. Slowing down to a pace that is healthy for you and the family takes effort and practice and can be extremely hard at first, but the results pay off in the end.
I was worried, but it is not that bad. It has taken me years to slow down, but it has been worth it. I was a workaholic. I cannot see myself every going back to that point. I like being able to pick my children up every day. I like being able to attend her recitals. I like having energy to play with my son. I like not falling asleep and trying to have an important conversation with Matt. I feel like life has been breathed back in to me. I enjoy finally having time for myself. Before, there was no way I could squeeze it in. I am peaceful and relaxed.

Quote:
WARNING!!! 10 is excessive for a mom of 2 that still wants to be active in their kids lives. Pick 1 to be actively involved with, and just donate money to the others. If you want to keep the slower pace you have set up for your kids, don't fall into this trap (addictive need to be busy). My husbands excuse was always, "but I'm doing this for the kids", but it took him away from the kids and they noticed. At one point it was so bad, that they started saying, "why do we need to ask dad, he won't be around anyway". When the kids go away to college, you can put your time into 10 charities.
I am still weeding them out, so it will not always be this many things at any given time. Generally, I lean more towards the ones that are family inclusive. I am more hands on, so I prefer to see things in action, do research, and learn about them. I could reach their respective websites, but I prefer to ask questions face to face and see where I am needed the most. Most events can be attended as a family. Last Sunday there was an afternoon tea to benefit Cerebral Palsy. I attended with my family and my best friend's family. It was 18 of us. There is carnival in a couple of weeks, which I will take my children to. All proceeds go to an art therapy program for children who are in remission.


Quote:
OK, not as rich as the Queen, but... Sweety, these are rich (or the very wealthy) people problems. You may not be rich when you compare other couple in your same professions, but your income/net worth is so far above the average person, that it's hard to even comprehend. Time for a serious reality check. It's ok to have money, but it's not ok to be blind to the reality of your situation.
I am not really blind to it. I suppose I never think about it. It has always been normal to me. He thinks my parents overindulged me and spoiled me to the point that anything less than the lifestyle I grew up with would not work for me now. We have these discussions all the time. Examples. We are researching vehicles. He is looking at the vehicles that are suitable for a family like a Tahoe and Suburban. Much more reasonably priced and children friendly. I have my eye on the Jaguar XF, which is double the price which means a higher note. We are like night and day on the topic of finances. He is sensible, logical, and knows all the pros/cons. I just go with it.

Quote:
Seriously take a look at how going ahead with this purchase, when your husband is not on board, will do to your marriage. Yeah, your using your money, etc. but this is supposed to be a partnership and ignoring his concerns is not going to win his trust.
It is a partnership. I am not planning on going behind his back. I told him what I was going to do, and he was none too pleased. I will hear him out and find out exactly why he is against it. I have no problem with that.
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Old 08-18-2013, 05:51 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Things are going really well. My mum and dad have been here since 2 August, and they left today. I am quite sad because I have loved having them here and close-by. Of all the things I miss the most, I miss my parents being an hour away. I hope they have a safe trip back.

DH and I have decided to legally implement some of the changes. I know that he trusts me some, but I do not think he believes me when I say that I will not get in to another relationship as long as we are married. To show him how serious I am, we have decided to do two things:

1) We are renewing our vows. Our commitment is the polar opposite of what it was when we tied the knot 11.5 years ago. For starters, I was in a relationship with someone else, and she was in my bridal party, so it was not like he could miss her. Our vows were vague and tweaked to accommodate the poly relationship. I want clear vows, and I want them to include faithfulness to him and only him. This is a re-do and a second chance, so when the time is right, I want to clean the slate and start over.

2) We are implementing an infidelity-like clause in our soon-to-be renewed postnup. I said like because it extends far beyond the scope of an affair. We are working with our attorneys to make sure the wording is clear, and to make sure the agreement can be legally enforced. I had no idea so much went in to these types of clauses. They have to be specific as far as what constitutes cheating. Kissing, non-verbal communication (texts, IMs, etc.), and all of that have to be taken in to consideration. Fortunately, we are working together and negotiating like we did with the prenup.

Basically what it will boil down to is, ANY romantic, sexual, emotional, etc. relationships outside of our marriage will be grounds for the agreement to be void, and the guilty party will be subjected to pay the aggrieved, an agreed upon sum of money and x percentage from personal assets. That being said. If I stupidly decide that another relationship is more important than our new vows and a legally binding agreement, I know what I stand to lose and how much it will cost me. In case, it is not clear, poly will no longer be part of our marriage, and I have closed the chapter on that part of my life.

I believe poly works for a lifetime for some and in increments for others. I have believed in for 18 years, but it stopped working for me at the 13 year mark. The downfall started in 2008, and I should have stepped back from it during my first pregnancy and left it alone. When I crashed from cloud nine, I fell hard. My "dream" life was in shambles. The two people I thought I was in love were at war, and I was more stressed than I ever have been in my life. My children were affected. I spent months trying to hold on to something that was bad for me, thinking of ways to make it better, and months fighting to save both relationships. It took about five months for me to see that light at the end of the tunnel. When I finally saw the light, several truths were revealed. The list of what I did not need trumped what I thought I wanted. The best thing I never knew I needed was the one thing that has brought me constant joy; my marriage being the only relationship.

So here I sit on 18 August. It has taken me 23 weeks to land on my feet, but I have done it. I am not sure what the future holds, but I know that I am determined to do it better. I owe it to my children. I owe it to my husband. I owe it to myself. I am stronger, wiser, more mature, and embracing my new normal like it is an old friend from the past.

This is my last entry on this blog on this site. I am undecided about commenting further on the forum. It does not seem right as poly as just not part of who I am, and I am not sure I have anything constructive to add. I no longer have any ties to it, and I have went to great pains to insure that the life I lived for 17.5 years in London does not touch the new life in Melbs. It is a chapter in another novel of a life I once lived. Need my advice? Read all the pages before this one and learn what not to do, what not to say, and how not to act. The best advice I could ever give is learn from my mistakes. Thank you for all of your support, advice, and critiques. I appreciated and took quite a bit of it. I wish everyone who reads this all the best.

This part of my story is over now. I am no longer living in the dark. I really am wide awake.

Ry
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Old 08-18-2013, 07:44 AM
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Wow ?...that's putting your money where your mouth is . His reaction ?

Have you talked with the family attorney ?.?? Anyone try to talk you out of this ? Not that it's not a nice gesture but you got a 12 yr history the other way .



So you discuss this vacation home with your husband/ life partner he's not super sold ....he's more conservative ....his pockets aren't as deep so he says no.

You say fine fuck it I'll do it on my own ya cheap prick ( joking ) ... I see that going 2 ways.... A definant end run ....or great I don't have to pay or deal with it. What was his reaction.


What are the speed laws there ? A freind of mine just got the fx very nice car ....however I don't see this as an either problem ....personally. I have my own little fleet. I got the big suv ... Pickup truck ...vintage convertible ....and a supercharged mini cooper to do pretend racing ....oh yeah and my had/ has sedan luxury car.
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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