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  #11  
Old 08-05-2013, 02:37 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by JacobJT View Post

Does anybody have any thoughts or advice with regards to crossing the threshold into action (we've already talked expectations, boundaries, rules, negotiations, etc.), or in terms of a 'pulling off the scab' approach vs being more cautioned and deliberate and slow? I could really use some help and direction. It's late and I'm tired but we'll likely be talking in the morning.

Any advice is much appreciated!

Have you read Ethical Slut and Opening Up? (books) Have you read a the websites more than two, and practical polyamory?

Does you wife have someone she is interested in locally (or more than one), or does she just plan to join ok cupid and see who pops up?
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  #12  
Old 08-05-2013, 02:47 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I'm kind of thinking that's one of those things they'll have to feel out for themselves. Even when you learn that rules aren't as set-in-stone as you think they are when you're making them they're still a good center piece for discussion. Yes, they're not something you want to get hung up on. But if they give you a more structured focal point (which people from more conservative backgrounds tend to need) then they serve the purpose of creating a stabilizing focal point... which understandably is going to shift.


I agree that people who started out in life being told and believing in the "life script" and being very invested in what other people think tend to believe that rules are necessary no matter what kind of relationship or activity they get involved in. But if you were brought up and lived your whole life viewing marriage as a tool instead of a sacrament, it is very natural to step outside of that box with little to no discomfort.
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  #13  
Old 08-05-2013, 02:59 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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the rules my husband and I had when we first started dating others now make me laugh... and cringe.. and laugh some more.

But the truth is: I don't think we could have gotten to the point where we are now (with very little rules) without that rule-drive period in our lives.

So by all means agree on rules. But also, be very, very prepared to adjust them along the way. No matter how hard you think about or plan this new poly life, the reality is going to be SO different it'll make your head spin. And when your head spins, you sit down together again, look at what you discussed about rules, and adjust. And again, and again, and again.
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  #14  
Old 08-05-2013, 03:19 PM
JacobJT JacobJT is offline
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Hi everybody! I appreciate all the advice and continued support, but I was less hoping for feedback on the 'rules' aspect of things.

I'm more looking for advice on knowing when/if (for a couple moving into poly for both of our very first times) it's safe to move into taking action, re:dating. Should we wait till we're both feeling absolutely comfortable with it, or are some fairly strong degree of nerves and tension still par for the course? We only broached the subject two weeks ago but part of me kind of just wants to get the initial shock over with so I'm trying to figure this all out. I made a couple moves that i thought would signal to her I was moving along in my processing of things, and I thought she would be happy about them but she seemed taken aback by where I'm at and it made me wonder how ready she is (she's the poly leaning one more so than me). So I'm trying to figure out if I'm getting ahead of myself!

GalaGirl: we're definitely talking dating right now, baby steps, not full on random casual sex scenarios! Thanks again for your continued help!

Last edited by JacobJT; 08-05-2013 at 03:24 PM.
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  #15  
Old 08-05-2013, 03:43 PM
JacobJT JacobJT is offline
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Additional info: as far as I know she doesn't have anyone in mind right now (this is what she has said), although I gave her the ok to have coffee with an previous casual fling of hers (who currently has a gf but I have no idea where that stands in terms of poly, etc). But she's aware that I've been reaching out to people online in the local poly community, including one woman who's looking to restart a local support group here in town, and now some of that is moving from online to offline and into action. I was letting her know that these connections are purely platonic but we're both aware that there's potential for other things to develop as I begin to communicate with more people. Also neither of us is unattractive, and I think she's aware that the more women I interact with socially the greater the chances of something developing become. She was mainly upset about the way I communicated these activities, that I went from saying 'I might be doing this' or 'I'm thinking of doing this' to then saying 'I'm going to be doing this' (the support group and reaching out/getting involved, etc.). She said she felt out of the loop with how I communicated it, but, I dunno, I'm still confused. We need to talk more but we're also due to just have some one on one hang time too and I'm kind if sick of this poly discussion stuff dominating our times together right now. Is that fairly normal, for poly discussion to take an inordinate amount of attention initially?

Last edited by JacobJT; 08-05-2013 at 03:47 PM.
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  #16  
Old 08-05-2013, 03:47 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I tried to comment on this as well. If you wait until you are both completely comfortable, it will never happen. You can't GET comfortable until things happen and you find out it's not as scary as you thought.

So if you are anxious, nervous and a little worried, move forward, I suggest S L O W L Y.

If you are to the point of throwing up or migraines at just the thought (and I've heard people moving from mono to poly or mono/poly have this problem) then you are going too fast! Slow down!

Communicate, not just on things that are happening but how you feel. Not how someone else is MAKING you feel, because that's not fair and it's putting your emotions on others. There's nothing wrong with saying "I feel horribly anxious." Just not "You going out just made me anxious!" When you hit an emotional bump, think about WHY you feel that way. It's a lot of internal work.

DH likened it to emotional yoga. It was hard, made him anxious, and then we stretched, moved forward, and it was a little better each time. Push boundaries and those things that make you uncomfortable until you are uncomfortable. BUT NOT WHEN IT HURTS! That's when you slow down and pull back.
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  #17  
Old 08-05-2013, 03:48 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Yes. Do it. Don't wait until you are completely comfortable. If the "scab" (gross analogy for seeking relationships, but hey i just won't date you then) has healed enough so that it has granulated over and won't bleed, then pick i mean rip it off.

Ripping off scabs... Hoo whee.
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  #18  
Old 08-05-2013, 03:53 PM
JacobJT JacobJT is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
the rules my husband and I had when we first started dating others now make me laugh... and cringe.. and laugh some more.

But the truth is: I don't think we could have gotten to the point where we are now (with very little rules) without that rule-drive period in our lives.

So by all means agree on rules. But also, be very, very prepared to adjust them along the way. No matter how hard you think about or plan this new poly life, the reality is going to be SO different it'll make your head spin. And when your head spins, you sit down together again, look at what you discussed about rules, and adjust. And again, and again, and again.
Thanks so much for this Cleo! This totally makes sense to my way of thinking and resonates with our approach. We're trying to do this the right way. It's both our first times with this, and we recognize the potential for it to make or break us, but she feels she is definitely poly and if we DON'T try this is may most definitely break us. But I think we have a very deep relationship with one another based on many shared values as well as deep love and respect, and I'm quite sure we would both be ecstatic if we could make this work together!
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  #19  
Old 08-05-2013, 03:53 PM
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Originally Posted by JacobJT View Post
Is that fairly normal, for poly discussion to take an inordinate amount of attention initially?
For me it was. It got to the point where I got sick of talking ABOUT the relationship and just wanted to be IN it. It got better and easier, though, as time went on. At least for us.
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Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

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  #20  
Old 08-05-2013, 03:54 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm more looking for advice on knowing when/if (for a couple moving into poly for both of our very first times) it's safe to move into taking action, re:dating.
Only you know that for sure. More than just the desire to date is on the table. There's time to date, money to date, what else is going on in your life right now, etc. Human and non-human resources.

Like I said, if this is just a one off movie date -- go ahead. Put a toe in the water. If you want to cultivate something bigger though? Could plan first to make the space required for it to go well and assess the skills and resources you each may need.

Like if you have some HUGE thing at work right now, maybe wait til the project is over so your TIME resource isn't so pinched. If you were more experienced maybe that wouldn't be a biggie, but if you are new, waiting til a less stressy time might serve you better. YKWIM?

Maybe this recent post in another thread with links helps you assess where you are at or give you links to think about.

Quote:
We need to talk more but we're also due to just have some one on one hang time too and I'm kind if sick of this poly discussion stuff dominating our times together right now. Is that fairly normal, for poly discussion to take an inordinate amount of attention initially?
And how do you see it working out when one of you has another partner? You will need alone time together as well as (her + X) or (you + x) time. This is the same thing. Just that "X" right now is not a person, but polytalks. Set a time aside for it. Friday nights at 8 PM or something.

Practice the time management skills required now.

And yes, it's normal for the new shiny thing to suck up a lot of time/interest because it's a strange new experience. Again, give it time for the "new normal" to become normal. Right now it's "poly talking." Maybe you want that to feel OLD before adding another new thing of "poly dating." There's no RACE here.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-05-2013 at 03:57 PM.
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