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Old 08-05-2013, 01:29 AM
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UnitedForNow UnitedForNow is offline
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I'm pretty sure I did the right thing while also goofing up.

My primary partner and I are polywogs, and have just introduced a secondary into our lives. We both like her and have gotten together 4 times so far, with lots of e-mails and text messages in between. The latest incident though, is where I got upset and probably didn't handle my end very well.

Our new female friend (43 years old, no children, just got divorced) isn't on any form of birth control - while I'm fixed (48 years old female). My primary of 8 years (54 years old male) isn't used to having to think about birth control. She asked that we provide the birth control, which I was fine with so that I can feel confident that no "accidents" happen later on. We used it the first times, then this last time I noticed they weren't using any form of birth control. I mentioned something to both of them in the moment and they brushed me off that it wasn't necessary. Given how delicate the moment was I choose not to create a scene, especially since I trusted my partner wouldn't finish inside of her anyways, so the risk was relatively low.

The fact that both of them were willing to do this really upset me though. My partner knows how I feel about any possible pregnancy and yet he doesn't agree that there is any risk of pregnancy. He believes as long as the intercourse is brief and isn't prolonged (causing pre-leakage) and if he doesn't even come close to a climax while inside of her that there is no risk. I don't know how she feels about it, though since she was quick to hop on top of him without any form of birth control I'm guessing it doesn't worry her either (though how she could have known that he wouldn't cumm inside of her also makes me wonder).

I'm the only one who seems to think they were wrong....

I waited a day then I wrote a note to send to both of them (they are both now out of town) in which I express my concerns. I was upset and didn't use the most empathetic or understanding phrases in expressing myself (Yeah, I was preachy and lecturing both of them which is why I say "I goofed up"). My partner understands what I was trying to do and isn't upset. She hasn't contacted me at all.

I know it is their bodies, but a child would impact all of us. Was I right to let them both know that I didn't feel comfortable with them not using protection? I'm also feeling unsettled regarding my primary partners views on this, since in my eyes there is a high risk involved... Whether she contacts me or not, I still want to know for future partners/incidents if "I" have the right to make my concerns known regarding the use (or use of unsafe) forms of birth control.
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Me ~ 48 bi-sexual female
Primary partner ~ 54 heterosexual male
secondary partner ~ 43 bi-sexual female
** we are working on forming a triad, though our secondary partner is more for me since my primary partner travels **
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  #2  
Old 08-05-2013, 01:52 AM
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Originally Posted by UnitedForNow View Post
He believes as long as the intercourse is brief and isn't prolonged (causing pre-leakage) and if he doesn't even come close to a climax while inside of her that there is no risk
Can he tell just by feel whether or not there are a few loan sperm traveling into her? That's pretty amazing intuition that he can know that for sure.

It sounds like he learned his reproductive information from the walls in a bathroom stall.

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Originally Posted by UnitedForNow View Post
I know it is their bodies, but a child would impact all of us.
A new job would impact all of you. The death of a close friend would impact all of you. Deciding to join the circus would impact all of you. One of you getting hit by a car and being quadriplegic for the rest of their life would impact all of you.

Life is full of changes, some of them we can see coming and sometimes they just slam into us. The fact that the decision someone makes will impact you (as surely a couple of your partners getting pregnant would) doesn't give you say over how they should live their lives. If they make a decision that impacts you then you get to decide how you will handle it.

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Was I right to let them both know that I didn't feel comfortable with them not using protection?
Personally I think the only thing I might feel the urge to state is that "I don't want a kid. So if you guys get knocked up and want to keep it then understand that is going to change the nature of our association"

IV, for example, knows that when she gets pregnant at some point that it may very well mean I won't be living with her any longer. This isn't something I informed her of so she is aware of my "boundaries", it just came up in conversation and I let her know my thoughts on the topic. It's possible that I will have changed my mind at that point but for the mean time she gets that I don't want kids and am not interested in living with one. My telling her and CV "You guys need to use protection, I don't like the idea of her getting pregnant" would be met with HOWLING LAUGHTER.
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Old 08-05-2013, 01:54 AM
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I don't think there is an issue related to expressing concerns about anything. Communication is important. However, there is an issue in regard to how you expressed it. People are a lot more open to a message when it is expressed without criticism.

I would tend to approach this conversation thusly:

I thought we had all agreed to use protection to prevent pregnancy. I moticed that you two did not use a condom the other night. Did I not understand correctly?

Then I would leave the ball in their court to explain. I would not preach, I would not lecture, I would not criticize. All that does is close communication, which is the opposite of what you are trying to achieve.

As for your primary, he could use a lesson in biology. It takes just one swimmer to reach the egg at the right time. He has no awareness or control over minute amounts of leakage. (I was a biology teacher, btw.)
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Old 08-05-2013, 02:40 AM
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Yeah, I admit my note was a little too straight forward and preachy.... I "reacted" from worry instead of "responding" with respect. Whether that drives her away, I don't know. I guess time will tell. If I hadn't been so emotional I would have phrased it in SET format (support, empathy, and truth) and probably gotten a better response from both of them.

Yeah, I've been very clear to him all along that I am not willing to participate in co-raising a child. My kids are almost all grown and I don't want to go back to the days of car seats, babysitters, and teething. I would choose to leave rather than deal with that again.

My primary partner does have some naive beliefs regarding safe birth control, and trying to educate him hasn't been well received... This concerns me for any future encounters we may have.

So you are saying that - if he chooses to practice unsafe sex and not commit to a fluid bond, that my choices are: A) accept the risk he is taking or B) get out of the relationship?
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Change your perception and you change your life.
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Me ~ 48 bi-sexual female
Primary partner ~ 54 heterosexual male
secondary partner ~ 43 bi-sexual female
** we are working on forming a triad, though our secondary partner is more for me since my primary partner travels **

Last edited by UnitedForNow; 08-05-2013 at 03:43 AM.
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Old 08-05-2013, 03:37 AM
tree166 tree166 is offline
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I would also be concerned about the complete disregard for a previously agreed upon safeguard, and the disregard of your feelings along with it. I don't blame you for getting emotional. It was really disrespectful of both of them. You've all done some sort of wrong in this situation and should all sit down and have a conversation about boundaries and respect and expectations and what you're all willing to put up with in a relationship.
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Old 08-05-2013, 03:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnitedForNow View Post
So you are saying that - if he chooses to practice unsafe sex and not commit to a fluid bond, that my choices are: A) accept the risk he is taking or B) get out of the relationship?
I'm guessing this was a response to something I said?

I don't know what the bold statement means, what is involved in committing to a fluid bond? How is that related to what we are talking about? (I'm not being sarcastic, I just don't understand what this means or how it is related)

If you have already been explicit that you will not stick around if there is a child. They choose to have unprotected sex anyway. You have tried to explain to him how the birds and bees work but he dismisses your voo-doo out of hand.
1. Deal with it
2. Split
What is the third option you had in mind?
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Old 08-05-2013, 04:03 AM
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Given her silence towards me I'm left in the dark as to how she feels at the moment. I'm sure she will eventually contact my primary partner though, and that he will help her work through her anger at me so that she and I can then sit down and work it out from there. Or not....

As for my primary partner's transgressions? He cares about my feelings, we just have different beliefs on how risky his behavior was. He now knows how serious and anxious I am over this topic, given my reactions. I'm hoping we can come to a solid agreement on what constitutes "risk" and what doesn't. He knows I've worked with his insecurities and fears on other topics, and once I explain how mine are similar to his I hope he will be accommodating to mine.

Having any discussion between all of us at one time when he travels and she is still in the process of disengaging from her marriage isn't easy. I wish it was as easy as just getting all of us to sit down and have a chat.
__________________
Change your perception and you change your life.
Nothing changes without changes.

Me ~ 48 bi-sexual female
Primary partner ~ 54 heterosexual male
secondary partner ~ 43 bi-sexual female
** we are working on forming a triad, though our secondary partner is more for me since my primary partner travels **
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  #8  
Old 08-05-2013, 04:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I'm guessing this was a response to something I said?

I don't know what the bold statement means, what is involved in committing to a fluid bond? How is that related to what we are talking about? (I'm not being sarcastic, I just don't understand what this means or how it is related)

If you have already been explicit that you will not stick around if there is a child. They choose to have unprotected sex anyway. You have tried to explain to him how the birds and bees work but he dismisses your voo-doo out of hand.
1. Deal with it
2. Split
What is the third option you had in mind?
I didn't have one, which is why I'm here seeking guidance

I thought a "fluid bond" is where all committed partners agreed to not share body fluids with others outside the primary relationship. I assumed this would mean condoms or other forms of birth control to prevent STD's and/or pregnancy...
__________________
Change your perception and you change your life.
Nothing changes without changes.

Me ~ 48 bi-sexual female
Primary partner ~ 54 heterosexual male
secondary partner ~ 43 bi-sexual female
** we are working on forming a triad, though our secondary partner is more for me since my primary partner travels **
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  #9  
Old 08-05-2013, 04:44 AM
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Originally Posted by UnitedForNow View Post
I didn't have one, which is why I'm here seeking guidance
Gotcha. You haven't been left with any other options. At this point all you can do is to decide what to do with the situation presented.

Who knows, maybe his luck will hold out and she won't get pregnant and all is well?

Quote:
Originally Posted by UnitedForNow View Post
I thought a "fluid bond" is where all committed partners agreed to not share body fluids with others outside the primary relationship. I assumed this would mean condoms or other forms of birth control to prevent STD's and/or pregnancy...
Fluid bond just refers to having sex without barriers like condoms or dams, but you might be right. I suppose it makes sense to call it an "exclusive fluid bond" or something? Titles aside, if you are concerned about your health then use condoms and stop doing any other activities with him that you would find "risky"... problem solved.

If a personal story would help:

IV and I used condoms when we first started dating. She and CV haven't used condoms in forever as far as I understand. IV and I talked about it after we had been dating for a while and she felt that I would not risk her health, and decided that if I would agree to get myself tested that we could no longer use condoms (if I wanted). Granted, she is on birth control and I've had a vasectomy, so there was never any risk of children - just STIs.

Some time later I had unprotected sex with a girl I didn't know well enough to feel confident about her sexual health. As a result, I spoke with IV about it before we had sex again and she and I started using condoms again. If I had instead known this girl long enough to be confident about her health and honesty and she submitted to a STI test, I would have stopped using condoms with her and let IV know.

While I suppose you could consider this a "committed fluid bond" or something, personally I just consider this loving someone and having a care for their health as well as for my own.
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  #10  
Old 08-05-2013, 04:55 AM
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UnitedForNow UnitedForNow is offline
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I knew this would require a lot of adjustments for all of us, as well as compromises and the ability to work through misunderstandings. Being able to come here for support and to hear about how others handled their situations is very helpful.

I don't give up easily, so I will continue to nibble at this problem until it is worked out the best it can be.


Thanks for the replies and the personal story Marcus
__________________
Change your perception and you change your life.
Nothing changes without changes.

Me ~ 48 bi-sexual female
Primary partner ~ 54 heterosexual male
secondary partner ~ 43 bi-sexual female
** we are working on forming a triad, though our secondary partner is more for me since my primary partner travels **
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