Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 08-02-2013, 08:13 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,435
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
How about no more 3 somes?
THIS!
If they say they want it all equal with all three of you-then split the nights up. So you can create a relationship with gf.
EVEN IN A TRIAD-there needs to be individual relationships between each duo.

But-all in all,
I'm with Marcus.

The whole idea of team dating makes me squeamish.
If it happens-GREAT. Been there-it was awesome.
But to make it a rule-no fucking way.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 08-02-2013, 08:15 PM
GoldCoCouple GoldCoCouple is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 4
Default

Have you told them everything that you have written here? Really TOLD them? Not the 'I think I've told them sort of a little about how I feel but they didn't seem to understand so I didn't really tell them anything at all'.

Communicate, communicate, communicate!!! It's all any relationship is about but when you are dealing with more than one other person, the difficulty triples. You being an introvert (by your own admission) makes things more difficult as well. Here's a thought...show your wife this thread and let her read it and then the two of you talk...then the three of you talk. Most important...just talk and keep talking.

If only there was a guide book we could just buy...

We really do hope things work out of you.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 08-03-2013, 01:43 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default

I wish I could tell this to your wife. Maybe you could share this with her.

I am in the situation of her girlfriend. I am seeing a married couple and it started out with me saying that I am looking for a bisexual girlfriend and that I am attracted to both her and her husband, so I would be open to dating them if they were open. She was also looking for a girlfriend but she had never spent sexual time away from her husband. He agreed to give us alone time so we could see if we have a connection and attraction. He was supportive of her having a girlfriend. She and I found that we do have a good compatibility emotionally and sexually.

Once we got into it, I would have been happy to keep it just between me and her. I found that I was not having any desire to spend time with him- socially or sexually.

Because of the fact that he is important to her, she gently eased him into our connection by letting me see her connection with him- emotionally and sexually. It might not always happen this way, but for me, seeing their chemistry with one another stimulated within me an interest and attraction for him that probably wouldn't have developed on it's own because I was so focused on her.

So- if your wife is truly interested in seeing if the girlfriend could have a connection and attraction to you, she could bring you into the intimate time and let the girlfriend witness what the two of you have for each other.
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.

Last edited by idealist; 08-03-2013 at 01:46 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 08-03-2013, 04:05 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 747
Default

While I think it would be difficult for the gf to focus in both of you at the beginning, it might change down the road. I mean think if you were suddenly faced with two brand new relationships. How would you have the energy and focus for both.

So in communication, you might want to let the gf off the hook. Say something along the lines, "It would be impossible for me to focus on two brand new relationships, so while I would like to see if we can develop something on down the line (after all, you don't want her to feel rejected either), lets put you and I on the back burner.

As for your wife, the difference between her actions and her words are the difference between her emotions and her logic. She is caught up with her new relationship, and yet everything she believes says she needs to offer you the same opportunity that she has with the gf. She is trying to be fair; she probably truly wants to be able for you to share in the experience. And she probably keeps repeating herself because she feels guilty its not going down that way. So in communicating with her, you might try to let her off the hook too. "Look I know you love me, and you want me to be able to share in your joy, but it is not really working out that way, and you don't have to feel guilty about it."

When you let people off the hook, you are more likely to get honest answers. But then you need to be honest too. Tell your wife that you supprt the relationship between her and her gf, but that sex is your issue, and that you need some quality time with just her.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 08-04-2013, 12:29 AM
alanred alanred is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 11
Default

Hello, All and thanks for the great help and advise.

Well we have all talked a bit and this is what we have decided to do.

Wife wants myself and gf to be involved with each other and gf said she wants to be involved with me. We had another encounter and gf said she wanted to watch myself and my wife have sex, It was fun and we all seemed to enjoy. Wife's attention seemed to be split between both of us. So as far as the sex issues I am just gonna go with the flow and see what happens. It seems there needs to be a trade off a little as both myself and gf want my wife's attention.

Another issue I brought up to my wife yesterday eve was that since gf has been here I miss out time together (a new issue for me), we took our children to my dads house for the night gf did not go with us as we have not told our family about our us being poly. On the way back It hit me I miss our alone time. Get one issue dealt with and a new issue pops up. But just like any relationship has issues this new one will to.

Gf was gonna leave this morning and did not. I was informed about her staying longer than planned and I agreed to it but did bring up that I miss our alone time. My wife replied we had alone time last night when we took our kids to your dads.

O my did that get me boiling. I told my wife that was some great alone time with my parents. I kept my calm and asked if we could talk about it later.

I still have not brought it back up yet. Just thinking of how to address this. I am gonna suggest that we come up with a loose agreement as to the time issues. I plan on talking about what each of us want as to time spent together. I do not know how long gf will be here now but I do think we need a time frame for each time she comes over and set up an agreement for each visit.

On another note figured I would share this will every one. Gf has told her family about being ploy and they are all supportive of her. Telling my and my wife's family that we are poly was my biggest concern in the beginning. My family and wifes family have become very close. When I first started dating my wife my family was very upset because she is black and most of my family did not want to have anything to do with me or my wife. My dad, step mom and her parents are now great friends and we all have taken vacations together and such. I still have some family who will not speak to me(their loss) . I also have a cousin who was dating a black guy and ending the relationship because of what the family may think. We have not told our family but have decided not to keep it a secrete. If they ask we will tell them but we are not just gonna say guess what we are poly. I do think my wife's dad does have an idea of what is going on. I am kinda shocked that he has not asked me about it.

I was also concerned about how our small community would treat us. I also do some local business in our community. If I where to loose business in my local are it would not be a big impact as only 20% of my business is local.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 08-04-2013, 12:47 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,222
Default

Sounds like you are figuring out your wants, needs, and limits/boundaries.

Also the impact/reality of "living poly."

Keep sorting!

Galagirl
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 08-05-2013, 03:40 AM
MrMillion MrMillion is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 3
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Sounds like you are figuring out your wants, needs, and limits/boundaries.

Also the impact/reality of "living poly."

Keep sorting!

Galagirl
i agree, just have to continue finding out what you are comfortable with.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
left out, thresome, wife gf

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:49 AM.