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  #11  
Old 08-02-2013, 02:26 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I gather you work evenings. Something to consider as well is your energy level. When my energy level drops, I am less able to cope with EVERYTHING. The thing of it is, if I fail to realize the creeping tiredness - or slight but ever-present chronic tiredness that some shifts bring - then I will damn well find a reason why I feel upset, when really all I am is tired or under-powered.

Since you feel okay when it is the three of you, I am guessing you are getting energy from the group dynamic. More energy - problem solved! But if you work a shift that is more stressful to you, and work - regardless of whether we like or not - requires your personal resources. Of course you'd rather be home with the people who love you.

Hell, I have even volunteered to work shifts for people who had a family emergency, and still found myself yearning for home, even though I had volunteered!

So I am guessing the core issue is that you wish you were home, and has little to do with the relationship dynamic between the three of you - which sounds pretty healthy.
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  #12  
Old 08-02-2013, 06:46 AM
skittleskittens skittleskittens is offline
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Thank you for the replies so far, they have been very helpful.

I've considered taking myself out of situations where we will all be in the same place however I feel like that will begin to impact other parts of my life. We're all in the same friendship circle so removing myself will likely lead to me to not seeing other friends as often and also giving up one of my hobbies (which is where I generally end up seeing my friends and my BF and his other girlfriend). I am also semi-friends with his other partner as well. I am still considering it but I think I would prefer to leave it as a last resort.

I'm trying really hard to not compare my relationship with my BF with his other relationship and in a sense it is working (there was a bunch of things a couple of months ago that I had to work through that all came down to comparison) but I'm still really new to poly relationships (this is my first poly relationship). Does anyone else have any tips for adjusting from a monogamous type of thinking to a polyamorous one?
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  #13  
Old 08-02-2013, 12:38 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skittleskittens View Post
Thank you for the replies so far, they have been very helpful.

I've considered taking myself out of situations where we will all be in the same place however I feel like that will begin to impact other parts of my life. We're all in the same friendship circle so removing myself will likely lead to me to not seeing other friends as often and also giving up one of my hobbies (which is where I generally end up seeing my friends and my BF and his other girlfriend). I am also semi-friends with his other partner as well. I am still considering it but I think I would prefer to leave it as a last resort.

I'm trying really hard to not compare my relationship with my BF with his other relationship and in a sense it is working (there was a bunch of things a couple of months ago that I had to work through that all came down to comparison) but I'm still really new to poly relationships (this is my first poly relationship). Does anyone else have any tips for adjusting from a monogamous type of thinking to a polyamorous one?
Do you understand that they are treating you as "less" than them? This isn't you. Not many poly people would put up to the restrictions she has imposed. She is the one practicing "bad poly" here and he is enabling her. It's you that needs to believe that you are of the same importance as them, particularly her, and therefore need to be treated as such.
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  #14  
Old 08-02-2013, 01:02 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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And my apologies - my response was directed towards xxscottysgirlxx; not skittlekitten. I should have quoted. Moved yesterday, and was very tired.
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  #15  
Old 08-02-2013, 01:04 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Skittleskittens, I agree with bookbug (even though the reply was directed elsewhere - oops!). Figure out what you want/need in your relationship with your BF and ask for it. Don't just accept that you "can't have it" because she says so.

I'm mono. This is my first poly relationship. We've been together around 2 years now. I was codependent as hell after getting out of my marriage, but even then, I wanted a *relationship*. Not scraps. Not asking my metamour permission to go out with P. Not getting squeezed in once a month. And I talked with my partner and metamour and asked where I fit in. If I had some arbitrary limit as to how close I could be or how far my relationship with P could go, it would have never have become a relationship.

Granted, I still had some transitional nightmares, but I needed to know that P and I had OUR OWN relationship, on its own merits. Not one where I'm beholden to the good graces of my metamour.

Your needs aren't being met, and you're believing you're in the wrong, when you're not. It's not wrong to have needs and wants in a relationship. Talk to your BF and give him an opportunity to step up. Hopefully, your metamour will be helpful as well.

In the meantime, maybe you can work on what CAN be done when you all go out together. I wouldn't give up time with my friends, either. Talk about it and see if you can come to an agreement. Good luck!
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops (previously 'P'): My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena (previously M1): Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa (previously AG): Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread:
A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
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  #16  
Old 08-02-2013, 07:18 PM
xxscottysgirlxx xxscottysgirlxx is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
I gather you work evenings. Something to consider as well is your energy level. When my energy level drops, I am less able to cope with EVERYTHING. The thing of it is, if I fail to realize the creeping tiredness - or slight but ever-present chronic tiredness that some shifts bring - then I will damn well find a reason why I feel upset, when really all I am is tired or under-powered.

Since you feel okay when it is the three of you, I am guessing you are getting energy from the group dynamic. More energy - problem solved! But if you work a shift that is more stressful to you, and work - regardless of whether we like or not - requires your personal resources. Of course you'd rather be home with the people who love you.

Hell, I have even volunteered to work shifts for people who had a family emergency, and still found myself yearning for home, even though I had volunteered!

So I am guessing the core issue is that you wish you were home, and has little to do with the relationship dynamic between the three of you - which sounds pretty healthy.

I do work evenings and is it hard. I have a varying shift so I can work as early as 3:30-11:30pm, 6-2am, or 11:30-7:30am. My job is also very stressful as I work in corrections. I actually think you are right about the energy. I do yearn to be home. It is all I can think about some days. Some days are better than others when it comes to my issues, but it is helpful to know I am not alone and to gain perspective on things, so for that I thank you.

Skittleskittens,
As we are going through the same issues and we are both new members, I wanted to let you know that you can PM me if you ever need to vent or just chat. I think all the support you can get is best.

Much love.
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  #17  
Old 08-02-2013, 07:54 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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My best suggestion for changing your perspective-is to read, converse and immerse yourself in poly info.
Seriously-like learning a new language is easiest with immersion.

That said-it's important that the boundaries be reasonable and feasible-not treating one party (or more) as if they weren't as valuable as another. Those types of boundaries create nightmares over time.
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  #18  
Old 08-03-2013, 02:38 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xxscottysgirlxx View Post
I do work evenings and is it hard. I have a varying shift so I can work as early as 3:30-11:30pm, 6-2am, or 11:30-7:30am. My job is also very stressful as I work in corrections. I actually think you are right about the energy. I do yearn to be home. It is all I can think about some days. Some days are better than others when it comes to my issues, but it is helpful to know I am not alone and to gain perspective on things, so for that I than you.

Much love.
The shifts you are describing would be taxing under ideal conditions. While my circumstances are different than yours - the relationship with my SO came out of a failed triad, lots of emotional trauma to heal from, he is now going through a divorce, most of his focus is on his kids - which it should be - and we live in different towns - low energy levels make it far more difficult for me to cope with distance, and the lack of communication that can occur when his external environment becomes overly demanding. When I start to feel those twinges of anxiety, instead of letting myself wander down the path to hell, I logically tell myself that the reality is that I am tired, and that is all. Then I tell myself all the great things about the relationship.

For example, I moved this week. I am exhausted. I miss him. He is on call this week, and unable to communicate much. (Perfect storm, right?) And yet, Tuesday when I closed on my condo, my SO made the trip down in the middle of his work day after working 18 hours the day before, and surprised me with champagne. I focus on that rather than the fact we have had no time to communicate much since.

So yes, pay attention to your energy levels, and recognize that is the issue. Don't make it into a bigger issue than it is. I know it is very easy to do.
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  #19  
Old 08-03-2013, 03:28 AM
skittleskittens skittleskittens is offline
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I've talked to my BF and let him know that I'm definitely struggling with this 'rule'. He's trying to be as supportive as possible and says that he'll try and tone it down with her as much as possible but the only way things would drastically change is if he broke up with her (which I definitely don't want him to do).

I have a suspicion that he's thinking that because his other girlfriend is very stubborn and once she has an idea won't back down from it that talking to her will achieve nothing and if anything make the situation worse (I've known her for several years and know that she is definitely like this).

Scottysgirl - thank you for the offer.
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