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  #11  
Old 07-31-2013, 10:46 PM
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Serendipity22 Serendipity22 is offline
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YouAreHere - I loved the Serendipity books growing up, I thought she would make a perfect avatar!

I don't have anything going on physiologically that I know of, no change in meds or illness or anything.

CP identifies as bisexual, and her feelings have been hurt before when I haven't been in the mood for making love. I don't think our relationship would stay in tact if I told her I didn't want sexual intimacy with her anymore. I don't WANT to end our sexual intimacy. I very much enjoy our lovemaking when I'm in the mood - it's getting in the mood that has been the problem.

I'm starting to come to the conclusion that it's really about me understanding and accepting my sexuality. I tend to use compartmentalization to deal with things until I can work through them, but I'm realizing that I can't do that with this situation. It just confuses me more. I don't think that any "labels" will benefit me. I don't know of any that I feel apply to me.

I'm going to do some soul-searching, and look for some helpful information about sexual orientation and identity. Hopefully I can straighten things out in my head enough that I can get back to normal.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to help me figure this thing out.
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  #12  
Old 07-31-2013, 10:50 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dirtclustit View Post

I just forgot what I was saying
You were saying that you agree with Boring Guy. Please continue.

I apologize to the general public, but it's about time I have that recipe again.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 07-31-2013 at 10:50 PM. Reason: typo in my alphabet soup
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  #13  
Old 07-31-2013, 10:55 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Serendipity22 View Post
YouAreHere - I loved the Serendipity books growing up, I thought she would make a perfect avatar!

I don't have anything going on physiologically that I know of, no change in meds or illness or anything.

CP identifies as bisexual, and her feelings have been hurt before when I haven't been in the mood for making love. I don't think our relationship would stay in tact if I told her I didn't want sexual intimacy with her anymore. I don't WANT to end our sexual intimacy. I very much enjoy our lovemaking when I'm in the mood - it's getting in the mood that has been the problem.

I'm starting to come to the conclusion that it's really about me understanding and accepting my sexuality. I tend to use compartmentalization to deal with things until I can work through them, but I'm realizing that I can't do that with this situation. It just confuses me more. I don't think that any "labels" will benefit me. I don't know of any that I feel apply to me.

I'm going to do some soul-searching, and look for some helpful information about sexual orientation and identity. Hopefully I can straighten things out in my head enough that I can get back to normal.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to help me figure this thing out.
Maybe you just are this way with other women (well, this one only). You just don't want girl-on-girl sex as often. If this is a problem for CP, there are choices she can make. I would explain what they are, but I bet 500 acres of abandoned farmland that does not belong to me that Gala Girl will be along shortly to do all that, so I'll um, "work smarter not harder", as the motivational posters say.
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  #14  
Old 07-31-2013, 11:55 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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I know, for me, I'm sort of on the bi spectrum. Before Moonlight, I'd been attracted to women, had sex with a woman a couple times, but she was the first I'd ever wanted a relationship with. And, while sex with her is hot and beautiful and fantastic, I have a much harder time getting "in the mood" for her than with Fly or Punk. So, to put it in slightly comic terms, I'm bi, but not that bi.

This has definitely been challenging for Moonlight, especially since I was raring to go all the time when we first met. Luckily, she's been patient and understanding. I find that it's a bit like going to the gym; I don't really want to go, but I know if I just do than it will feel good and make me happy. So, sometimes I go with it and "the mood" comes upon me as things heat up.

Sometimes, having some cuddle time without the expectation of sex helps. If I know she's not expecting the full meal deal, I can relax and enjoy her touch and closeness. This often leads into having sex, because any stress about disappointing her has been taken off the table.

Anyway, hope you can figure things out!
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- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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  #15  
Old 08-01-2013, 12:25 AM
Eponine Eponine is offline
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It's possible that you're biromantic but heterosexual. Sexual orientation and romantic orientation don't always align for the same individual.
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  #16  
Old 08-01-2013, 01:03 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default When there is Love or a Genuine Respect

Patience and understanding really goes a long way, and it's crazy because like that old saying "Love thy Neighbor as Yourself" means a lot of different things to different people, as words alone or always subject to interpretation.

But they are powerful words when interpreted one way over another. Because it is not necessarily "love" that is the advice, but rather "understanding".

For instance, many people have trouble just being OK with polyamory. It easy to understand how you can have sexual desires for others, and it does not change how you feel about your spouse. Where people have trouble is understanding how their spouses desires for others does not change their love for them.

so when you put your understanding of your feelings the same as someones else, or to be more clear "Understand thy neighbor as you understand yourself" can make a world of difference

Because our emotions as humans are often strong, sharp and intense, and they are exactly what gives Human beings a greater potential for intelligence, so it really does not good to attempt to disregard them or act without knee jerk reactions, but you definitely want to know, recognize, and understand those sharp emotions

first experiences of any non-monogamous relationships are overwhelming and it's so easy to become confused, the worst thing you can do is lie to yourself or others which only complicates and causes more confusion. If you allow yourself the time to figure it out (which happens a lot sooner when you can be open and honest as opposed to keeping secrets or out right lying) then you will always be confident you are making the right decision. As that is what clarity gives you

So many people torture themselves and never realize that if they were just a little more patient, everything would've worked out. If you find yourself struggling after the NRE wears off, the in no point in suffering unless you are all committed to seeing it through.

Doing that sometimes take more patience, hardwork, and understanding than most people are willing to do, but it is really frustrating when you see people go through so much for so long and then give up, no realizing how close they were to coming to an understanding of each other. That understanding can make all the difference in the world. It can go from nightmare to dreams in one day, as it wasn't the 24 hours that changed anything

If you can be honest with your gf without using truth as a weapon, and she is willing to show more patience and understanding in the beginning than she would normally view a relationship as being worth that much effort, you will come through.

It's just hard to know whether or not your are attempting it with the right people.

If you are, it will be worth it,

but there is nothing wrong with dating more casually too,

But it sounds like you are past that stage, and I sound like a broken record, but you don't have to worry about a taking action to fix your dilemma if you are honest with your lovers and they are patient with you, and it helps if you try to understand them as you understand yourself.

How long should you be patient with someone?

I don't know, but it should be clear to you when patience has run out, so trust yourself to know

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 08-01-2013 at 01:14 AM. Reason: typos
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  #17  
Old 08-01-2013, 02:08 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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While I know you are more focused on your lack of sex with CP, the fact that your libido has waned in general may speak to a hormonal issue. My recommendation is a talk and testing with your GYN.

As one of the previous commenters mentioned, bi is on a spectrum. Like you, I had not experienced sexual attraction with another woman until recently. However, I am not attracted to men either unless their minds work a certain way. I pretty much decided I am attracted to entities with certain ways of thinking, and the outer casing is insignificant. All of that said, I am far more used to interacting sexually with men, so attraction or not, the other is more of a challenge for me. Sounds like you are the same way. So it would be logical that if your libido has waned in general, the relationship between you and CP will the effect first.

What I am trying to say is I don't think the problem is between you and CP - just that given your newness to sex with women versus men, that is where your waning libido is going to show first.
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  #18  
Old 08-01-2013, 03:12 PM
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Serendipity22 Serendipity22 is offline
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Well, I think I've figured out what's been going on... there were a couple of things, and I feel so much better about it just realizing why I'd been so disinterested in sex.

The first issue was that I'd felt like I lost my sexual identity - I don't consider myself heterosexual anymore, and that left me to wonder what am I? and I've been feeling kind of destabilized. Yesterday I spent quite a bit of time reading up on sexuality (I found an interesting book regarding sexual fluidity which seems to occur with some women, that has helped me feel less confused), I now feel okay with letting go of that label I had used to define myself, and I don't feel a need to replace it with some new label. I am who I am!

The other issue has been a lack of confidence in the sex-with-a-girl department. Generally I am the dominant one in the bedroom, but without having any sexual experience with women I started feeling less certain of myself once the NRE died down a little. Which I hadn't really talked to her about (it's hard enough for me to admit to MYSELF that I'm feeling insecure), so over time it led to my sexual self feeling self-conscious, withdrawn, disconnected... which feelings don't lead to wanting sex. Duh.

Once I figured that all out, I felt SO much better. This I was able to talk to her about, and this is something we will work on. I just need to learn her, get more experience, and cut myself some slack when I don't do things exactly right. I am something of a perfectionist, so I tend to be harder on myself than I should be.

Anyway, thanks for the talk! Sometimes I just need to get things out of my head, and stop concentrating on the trees so I can see the forest.
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Last edited by Serendipity22; 08-01-2013 at 08:10 PM. Reason: clarification
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