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  #11  
Old 07-29-2013, 09:21 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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FYI-Maca will likely never log in and answer this-he is way too busy.
And, I know you don't care for spouses answering for spouses-but

I thought I would mention. He was nervous about it.
But it has proven itself absolutely arbitrary for us.

GG on the otherhand is like me-maybe because he was only 17 when we met and he spent all of his growing up and maturing years from then to early 30s watching how I raised my kids.

He claims my oldest as his (no biology there). Our youngest is his-but he has never pressed for her to call him daddy. He said it was too confusing and that was cruel-he promoted her calling Maca daddy.

He's VERY VERY close with all of the kids.

Our wills (all 3) are written to give custody to whichever of us three is alive in the case of a death. We run everything in our lives as a trio (except sex) and that totally includes the raising of the children.
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  #12  
Old 07-29-2013, 09:21 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default For further clarity

I would appreciate any PMs regarding this, but do not feel comfortable publicly talking about my situation. But that would clear up any confusion, probably.
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  #13  
Old 07-29-2013, 09:27 PM
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Flower-I will be on and offline for the next two weeks. But you are MORE than welcome to pm me ANY questions about how we handle this stuff and what makes it easier etc.
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  #14  
Old 07-30-2013, 01:37 PM
Maleficent Maleficent is offline
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To clarify: in our triad we are equal as parents. I love my wife's kids as much as I love my biological kids. We are a solid unit when it comes to the children and I am not the least bit threatened by my wife's relationship with my bio-children. She feels the same about me and my husband.
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  #15  
Old 07-30-2013, 03:02 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Hi Flower

I'm a poly parent - I live with my GF and her husband, who have a four year old daughter (I'll call her Baby). She is now considered by all of us as my daughter too. I have been a part of their family for just over two years... so I can speak both as the 'other partner' coming in as a new parent - and as the existing parent dealing with 'other partners' coming into the mix.

From the side of being the 'other partner/parent' first....

Yes, absolutely. Both my GF and her husband have had moments of feeling threatened (even though they have always been hugely encouraging of the relationship between myself and Baby). Moreso Hubby, as he isn't in a romantic relationship with me. Baby is like my best friend - we adore each other. As soon as we met, I was a novelty to her. She often prefers to sit by me in restaurants, hold my hand when we're out, etc. We are very close. This could be hard at times for GF and hubby (understandably!!!). Of course this would upset them.

From *my* side, as the 'new parent/partner' (I'm giving this first, to give you food for thought), I have been eternally grateful for their approach to this. To feel their trust... their admiration... their appreciation for everything I do with and for Baby... it's honestly the most beautiful thing. I know, and they know, that I really do enrich her life. Not only does she have an extra person to love and to be loved by; but there are tangible benefits to her little life - and to GF and hubby's lives. They have an extra babysitter who they trust ~grins~. They have someone to give an extra hand with clothing her, feeding her, entertaining her, applying bandaids, dealing with tantrums. There are also unique things that I bring to her life, simply because of my own experiences and personality, and it makes me feel absolutely wonderful that GF and Hubby appreciate this.

However, still from the perspective of *me* as the 'new partner'. I've never, ever wanted, or dreamed of 'replacing' GF and Hubby as Baby's parents. They each bring countless wonderful and unique things to Baby's life that I couldn't bring so effectively. If we are good parents, nobody can break that bond. We also all can't be everything - I can't simultaneously be playful older sister, Auntie, Mother, Father, band member, fashion police, authoritarian, chef, etc. I can be a little of all of those things -but I excel in some areas and am complete shit in others. What does work is when the three of us put our skills together. GF is great with discipline and Baby respects that. I'm great with talking to Baby and helping her to express herself. Hubby is great with education and spoiling her

So, this brings me to the point worth considering. When we are threatened, it can mean that we feel a person is doing something 'better' than we are. Absolutely, it's usually to do with kissing or sex, on these forums. But of course it applies to parents too. I thought I was a rocking first-time parent over the past two years, until my platonic friend came on holiday with us. Pffft.... Baby totally shirked me! It was all about him! He was an absolute natural. She completely adored him. Now... because he is my friend, I didn't think much of it except "sniff, sniff, she's not holding my hand". If he'd been my GF's secondary, I probably would have been very, very uncomfortable.

What does that tell me? It tells me that I not only fear being replaced as a parent; but replaced as a family member. That's my shit to work on

Alright, so, moving onto *my* perspective as the existing parent.

We don't currently introduce Baby to our secondaries, for two main reasons. The first is that we are quite fickle wenches - our secondaries don't last long. We don't want her to become attached to them and then have them disappear on her, time and time again. The second reason is that we are protective - and yes, in turn, possessive - over Baby and the family unit in general. The model we have signed up to is that love and all that is great; but in terms of Baby and co-habiting, we'd like to continue as a V - myself, my GF, her husband. We don't want to move other people in or have the conflicting opinions of a whole group of people raising her.

Some of this, I feel, is logical. I do think children need stability and protection. But of course variety is great - of course a colourful and rich childhood, meeting many different people and losing many different people, could actually be extremely productive for her development.

Ultimately, to give you advice: there is nothing wrong with admitting that you feel threatened about other partners bonding with your child. There is also nothing wrong with adopting whatever model of relationship and parenting suits you. Where you have conflict is if you decide it's totally cool to have people over at your house, or even move in with you - but expect them not to bond with your child. It either has to be separate, or it has to be encouraged.

So, how can you work on your feelings of replacement, if you decide to involve other partners in your child's life? Essentially, think of the benefits to your child and you will find peace. Think of their happy little face. Then, think about what this other person is doing that you might not be doing and what you could learn from this. Do you recognise that you could communicate more with your child? That you could play with them more? Anything at all that you can see you could make an effort to do better? Or, is it simply the novelty of this new person? Their natural ability with children? Finally, what do you see that you do well, with your child? What do you already provide for them that you know they need and appreciate? All of these things will hopefully help you to feel more at ease.
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  #16  
Old 07-31-2013, 09:48 AM
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  #17  
Old 07-31-2013, 11:38 AM
london london is offline
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Quote:
You and your partner have SOs. Your children are comfortable with the SOs in one or both of your absence. Is this A) Relieving (My children are safe when I'm gone, are comfortable with this other person caring for them) or B) Threatening (Oh, God, my children are replacing me with a new mother/father). Assuming the SO in question has made no indication of wanting to replace, but is merely trying to be accommodating to your needs.
Ok, my child had a step parent (K) for two years. I can't see how that is much different from an ongoing poly relationship, if anything, it's "worse" because the child(ren) only see their parents being affectionate with their new partners. I have absolutely never felt that K was trying to replace me. If anything, I did my best to make sure she felt included and wanted. How could she replace me? I'm his mum and we have a warm, loving, close relationship. If, for some reason, I hadn't been a very good mother to him, then maybe I'd worry that she will get in there before I have a chance to salvage things, but that isn't the case so it was never, and wouldn't ever be a threat to me. My son was conceived in a monogamous relationship, but my attitude would be no different in a polyamorous relationship. A metamour could be absolutely no threat to the relationship between a parent and child. Anyone that intends (notice I said intends, because nobody actually could be one) to be a threat isn't suitable to be part of my family.
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  #18  
Old 07-31-2013, 03:59 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
How could she replace me? I'm his mum and we have a warm, loving, close relationship. If, for some reason, I hadn't been a very good mother to him, then maybe I'd worry
Hmmmm, the implication here is that if a parent WERE feeling threatened that a new partner was replacing them.....then it's because s/he secretly believes that they were not properly loving with the children, that the children would have some unfilled need that this other person could potentially fulfill. Again, this assumes the new partner made NO indication that was their goal (in that case, the fears would be justified by an entirely separate factor).
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  #19  
Old 07-31-2013, 04:07 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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London,

While I have no doubts that you are a good mother to your children, I must say I disagree with your statement that nobody could replace the biological mother or father. Parents can, unfortunately, be guilty of taking their children for granted, and it is possible to permanently damage your relationship with your own children. I do not like saying so, but children are absolutely capable of feeling betrayed/unwanted/etc. by a parent.....and disassociating themselves from said parent.

And....if another adult figure in their lives fills the void, yes, they may very well accept that new person as their parent. Will the child ever think of the new partner as their "mother" or "father"? Likely not, but good chance they'll let them fill that role.

I guess my cautioning is, I'm very glad you have a good relationship with your children, but I'd warn new parents entering poly that, hey, you do this poorly enough, you can seriously f* up your relationship with your partner, your friends, and, yes, even your children.
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  #20  
Old 07-31-2013, 07:35 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
Hmmmm, the implication here is that if a parent WERE feeling threatened that a new partner was replacing them.....then it's because s/he secretly believes that they were not properly loving with the children, that the children would have some unfilled need that this other person could potentially fulfill. Again, this assumes the new partner made NO indication that was their goal (in that case, the fears would be justified by an entirely separate factor).
Nope. My assumption is that the vast, vast majority of parents are good parents and consequently have nothing *real* to feel threatened about by a new partner (poly or otherwise). However, if someone is generally feeling low, they might feel like they are a bit of a shit parent even though they aren't. Just because of their general state of mind. Because they feel like a bit of a shit parent (again, even though they aren't) this might lead them to believe that their child(ren) has/have "unfulfilled needs" that "this other person could potentially fulfill".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
London,

While I have no doubts that you are a good mother to your children, I must say I disagree with your statement that nobody could replace the biological mother or father. Parents can, unfortunately, be guilty of taking their children for granted, and it is possible to permanently damage your relationship with your own children. I do not like saying so, but children are absolutely capable of feeling betrayed/unwanted/etc. by a parent.....and disassociating themselves from said parent.

And....if another adult figure in their lives fills the void, yes, they may very well accept that new person as their parent. Will the child ever think of the new partner as their "mother" or "father"? Likely not, but good chance they'll let them fill that role.

I guess my cautioning is, I'm very glad you have a good relationship with your children, but I'd warn new parents entering poly that, hey, you do this poorly enough, you can seriously f* up your relationship with your partner, your friends, and, yes, even your children.
Ok, in some of this, you more or less agree with me: if you fuck up with your kids, they will seek parental type relationships with other people to replace the one they should have had with you. I went further by saying that even if you quite wrongly believe that you have fucked up, you might feel that you are at risk of being replaced and therefore be very insecure about allowing others who could potentially fulfill the role you feel you have not. I'll add here that this, itself, can be "fucking up", and drive children towards the seemingly more stable "other person".

What you say at the end is something I wholeheartedly agree with, and it's the reason why my son has never met anyone I have dated thus far. The reason why he hasn't met them is because I didn't see them still being around in five years. I'd love to introduce a partner to my son one day, and share all those bits of my life with them, but it can wait. I have raised my son with the idea that cheating means breaking an agreement, and that if adults agree to it, more than two people can be in a relationship. There are no limits, as long as everyone agrees. I think it's far better to introduce these ideas to children as general concepts, if you can help it, rather than having them experience a situation right off the bat.
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