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  #11  
Old 06-26-2013, 05:53 PM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am sorry you are going through such a troubling time. This is one of the drawbacks of poly. Some people do not take it well, and with a known disorder, it makes things all the more challenging.

As far as a counsellor, you may have to seek one out of the state. There are counsellors who will do video chat sessions via Skype or whatever chosen service. Our new counsellor is located in our new city, and the past couple of weeks worth of appointments have been conducted from a distance. It has worked really well, and to me, I prefer it that way. We are able to be in the comfort of our home, and she is still able to help. When looking for a counsellor, look for someone who is experienced with poly/kink/non-traditional relationships and such. It helps having someone who knows about the above mentioned topics and is equipped to deal with them.

It is okay to be brutally honest. One thing I have learned is often is not what you say, but it is how you say it. I have now shifted my approach towards being direct and firm. It makes all the difference in communication.

I would suggest taking some time to yourself. Move out or ask him to move out. Undergo a trial separation and continue to co-parent and be the best parents possible. There are some deep issues, and no matter how upset he was, calling you out of your name and saying whatever he said is still unacceptable. At this point, do you even think your marriage is viable and worth saving?
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  #12  
Old 06-26-2013, 06:55 PM
FelixFelicis FelixFelicis is offline
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I am sorry you are going through such a troubling time. This is one of the drawbacks of poly. Some people do not take it well, and with a known disorder, it makes things all the more challenging.

As far as a counsellor, you may have to seek one out of the state. There are counsellors who will do video chat sessions via Skype or whatever chosen service. Our new counsellor is located in our new city, and the past couple of weeks worth of appointments have been conducted from a distance. It has worked really well, and to me, I prefer it that way. We are able to be in the comfort of our home, and she is still able to help. When looking for a counsellor, look for someone who is experienced with poly/kink/non-traditional relationships and such. It helps having someone who knows about the above mentioned topics and is equipped to deal with them.
I'll have to look into this more. I've never done well with counselors, but I think I may truly need the help this time around.
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  #13  
Old 06-26-2013, 07:00 PM
FelixFelicis FelixFelicis is offline
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I would suggest taking some time to yourself. Move out or ask him to move out. Undergo a trial separation and continue to co-parent and be the best parents possible. There are some deep issues, and no matter how upset he was, calling you out of your name and saying whatever he said is still unacceptable. At this point, do you even think your marriage is viable and worth saving?
That's what I'm thinking needs to be done right now, thus why I'm so concentrated on working. I'd love to have my own place so much, just to be able to get away and only have to deal with myself and my son for a while. And really, trying to figure out if this marriage is going to work out is something I've been thinking hard about lately. I don't want to just say 'No!' because we've been through a lot and he's been there for me and supported me while I stayed home with our son... but last night we had a talk and I told him I was still upset and asked him if he even knew why. 'Because of the polyamory thing?' ...I just kind of sighed and told him it was because of what he said and he seemed completely shocked by that. He said he had no idea that words could hurt so bad that I was still crying about it weeks later. Usually, words -don't- hurt me that bad, but these words came from someone who was supposed to love and support me, not lash out because of his own insecurities.

So, I still have no idea how this is going to end. I certainly didn't see this coming when I brought up the topic of an 'open relationship'.
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  #14  
Old 06-27-2013, 12:00 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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.. but last night we had a talk and I told him I was still upset and asked him if he even knew why. 'Because of the polyamory thing?' ...I just kind of sighed and told him it was because of what he said and he seemed completely shocked by that. He said he had no idea that words could hurt so bad that I was still crying about it weeks later.
I think this is a key illustration of how we can fail to communicate and not realize it.

I think it also might suggest that his words reflect anger/frustration/his feelings just in the moment of saying them, rather that his overall attitude towards you. You're both going through a pretty tumultuous time, and I don't think you can realistically expect him to adjust perfectly to the change in your situation this fast. You're BOTH pretty vulnerable right now.

To me, moving out sounds premature, given your recent statement that you definitely wanted to stay together. It's hard to deal with tension and conflict, but (in my experience) a good skill for a couple to have, so that issues can be resolved rather than just avoided.

Good luck!
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  #15  
Old 06-27-2013, 12:34 PM
FelixFelicis FelixFelicis is offline
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Originally Posted by wildflowers View Post
I think this is a key illustration of how we can fail to communicate and not realize it.

I think it also might suggest that his words reflect anger/frustration/his feelings just in the moment of saying them, rather that his overall attitude towards you. You're both going through a pretty tumultuous time, and I don't think you can realistically expect him to adjust perfectly to the change in your situation this fast. You're BOTH pretty vulnerable right now.

To me, moving out sounds premature, given your recent statement that you definitely wanted to stay together. It's hard to deal with tension and conflict, but (in my experience) a good skill for a couple to have, so that issues can be resolved rather than just avoided.

Good luck!
I know it's not his overall attitude towards me, but he even admitted that he only said those things because he wanted to hurt me. I'm still trying to process that right now. I feel like my trust in him is broken because of it and I've had a terrible time trusting people... It seems like every time I do, I end up getting hurt.

As for moving out, it wouldn't be happening anytime soon, so for now it's just a matter of figuring out where we stand together and if I can get over the hurt and try to trust him again. I've been nothing but a big ball of anger and annoyance lately. There's things that I've brought to his attention over the years (little, stupid things really: don't leave hair in my comb, don't leave laundry on the floor, turn articles of clothing right side out before putting them in the hamper, etc..) and I'm to the point where these little things seem even worse than before. It's another reason why having my own place seems so appealing... not having to take care of some overgrown man-child. I know, it sounds stupid and everyone's probably laughing because they go through the same thing, but with the place I'm in right now it's driving me freaking bonkers.

Despite all my rage I still feel like a Polly in a cage.
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  #16  
Old 07-30-2013, 09:18 PM
FelixFelicis FelixFelicis is offline
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Okay, so, it's been a month and while I was in a total funk for a few weeks, my husband and I stayed on okay terms. I pretty much stopped sleeping in the bed with him, instead choosing to stay asleep with my son, who I put to bed every night (his bed is also huge and soooo comfy). We also rarely had sex, maybe only once a week if that. But then something happened...

My dear friend was stuck living with a crazy lady and long story short, she and her daughter were getting kicked out. I told her we'd take her in and my husband was actually fine with that (we'd discussed the matter before). It's a tight fit in our tiny house, but we've made it work out well.

Now, I've always been flirtatious with this friend (as I am with most of my close friends!) and so has my husband. Well! After not hearing from her on-again-off-again boyfriend/fiance/baby daddy for over three weeks, she fiiiinally decided she wasn't gonna deal with his shit anymore and declared herself single. I'm not gonna lie, it made my heart flutter a little. Weeeell, after a week or so of being here, we'd all gotten alot more comfortable with each other and she and I were looking through some tasteful lingerie that came in materials such as leather, lace, and the occasional chain. We came across the stockings and I told her my husband was a fiend for stripey stockings and we joked about going into the bedroom and teasing the crap out of the poor, unaware man. It just so happened to be our anniversary that night as well... and I gave her a dirty grin and said we could give him the best anniversary present ever. She seemed rather nervous, 'cause she'd never been in a threesome before and I told her I was feeling the same, but we both still felt enormously excited at the prospect as well!! We calmed down from our giggle fit and went back to our laptops to show off more lingerie and it felt like things weren't going to go anywhere... So I decided to give the situation a nice nudge in the right direction.

I snuck off back to the bedroom and peeked through my drawer of lingerie and other various sexy wears, threw on my stripey stockings, pink Barbie undies and a ripped up, purple Wolverine shirt. I was ready to seduce like only a nerdy girl can... By coming at the situation at an angle that's not generally in the norm (as far as I know anyways). I strutted out to the living room, my heart absolutely pounding in my chest and my face beet red, thus being very grateful that the lights were turned out. I sat down and basked in the glow of our computer screens, feeling her eyes on me through the darkness. "Oh yeeeeah?" she says with an amused, but slightly intrigued tone. I giggled like the nervous wreck I am, gripping my chair's arms a bit to keep myself from trembling as I told her I had quite a few other outfits and stockings in my room if she'd like to try them on. It took a little coaxing, but after a few minutes we were trotting back to the bedroom to hunt through my naughty things. Little did she know my husband was rather awake in bed and had heard us talking out in the living room. Needless to say, he was a beyond excited by the idea of having me and not only another girl, but this particular girl, in our bed.

We ended up having that threesome. And it. Was. Hot!! We all passed out in the bed and slept together. Then were up and at it again. It was a very sleepless night and my husband got to go to work with zero sleep. Things were completely unawkward the next day. It was eerie how comfortable we all were the next day. Me and my friend even had fun learning about bondage the next day, which might I say is very fun and simple for someone who'd earlier in the year learned to crochet! I learned the Dragonfly Sleeve, which is beautiful to look at and pins the bondee's arms behind them. Hubby comes home tired, but with a huge grin on his face. Night time falls, the kids are asleep, and the adults decide they want to play again. I grab my rope and ask if I can practice my bondage technique on her. Oh my goodness, did she ever have the cutest tone of blush on her face. She shyly agrees after I proooomise I'll let her out if it! Now, I got very little playtime in our last foray because I am a nervous wreck when it comes to girls. I have NO clue why. I can't talk to a cute girl I don't know without blushing and stuttering, yet with guys I can swoop in and knock 'em out with my charm. I suppose I simply find women daunting because they're uncharted territory for me and I've never pursued a girl before 'cause I was always afraid I'd make them uncomfortable with my affections. Which is a sorry excuse, I know. However, I quickly found out that when a cute girl is in my hands, with her arms tied behind her back and a nervous smile on her face, something inside me clicks. It was the same feeling I got with guys who I made nervous in bed. That hungry, predatorial instinct. I was no longer the shy, nerdy girl with abyssmally little experience with other women. Once I got her out of her clothes, then out of her ropes, I took her to the bed and came out of the foray with the achievement of 'Best Oral Sex Ever'. Ego was instantly inflated.

We haven't been able to go at it quite like we did the first couple days thanks to Mother Nature *cough* but it's been amazing still. We usually cuddle up in bed together, mess around every now and then, and have been getting very comfortable with the situation that is completely new and strange for all of us. It hasn't been completely easy on me. I feel pangs of envy when I've seen them cuddling together, though I'm pretty sure it was because I felt like she was way more comfortable with hubby's affection because he was a guy, and I can't really blame her for that. It poked at my self-consciousness that rears its ugly head every once in a blue moon with the thoughts "Why doesn't she flirt with me like that? Why doesn't she kiss me like that? Why can't she gush about how cute I am, instead of him???" I never said anything to her, but I did confess the feelings to my husband a couple of times and he gave me some reassurance, so I decided to work out the issues in my head like I normally do and pretty much just meditate on the matter. I decided that I was just being paranoid in a very new situation and she was probably as nervous about all this as I was. So I simply played it cool and tapped into reserves of patience I store for particularly stressful situations. This patience has paid off considerably.

It was such a small thing, but it put me at so much ease. We'd just fixed my car for the millionth time (I wouldn't suggest a 1999 Chrysler Sebring to my worst enemy... beautiful convertible, but such a pain in the ass to work on) and I'd come home from getting groceries. I HAD to ride with the top down, so my still recovering, overly-bleached hair was pulled back in small pigtails and a headband/bandana. I was sitting in my chair minding my own business and she came up behind me and started playing with my pigtails and told me how absolutely adorable I looked with my hair like that. I'm pretty sure my face lit up like a Christmas tree and I found an excuse to go to the kitchen (coffee, I think) and let myself enjoy the huge grin on my face without looking like a total dork in front of everyone. My nervousness started ebbing and I began acting on instinct more instead of overthinking every little situation. I let myself be more cuddly and touchy-feely and have yet to be looked at like the overbearingly affectionate person I know is inside me. I've never been happier than I am these days. It's freakin' fantastic.

Now, you remember that asshole boyfriend I mentioned earlier? The one who pulled yet another disappearing act? Well, he messaged us on FB yesterday. It wasn't pretty. I refrained from laying the mental smackdown on him like I so desperately wanted to and let my friend deal with that on her end. She put down her laptop after he didn't answer her questions and disappeared into the bedroom to hide under the covers. I followed her, eased her out of the blanket and comforted her. I've always thought she deserved so much better and told her so. I've also fantasized on more than one occasion of driving up to see her and take her away and make her my girlfriend, but I haven't told her that part. She calmed down and even started laughing thanks to the antics of the kids, she played some odd little game on the iPad and we went on with our day, with her looking far less morose. Later in the day she made an oh so subtle comment about how weird it was having a boyfriend and a girlfriend, who know about each other and are married to each other.

So it looks like not too long after finding out I'm Poly, I have a girlfriend. I never thought I'd be able to say that in my freakin' life! Squee!!






Now, I know this situation comes with all manner of baggage and seems like it's asking for trouble, but it really doesn't feel that way. If it were someone I didn't know particularly well, I would say it has zero chance of working out for any long-term situation, but this being the one person I've talked to consistently, nearly daily for the past 5-6 years or so... I think it could work out just fine.
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