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  #21  
Old 07-29-2013, 04:12 PM
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Anyanka Anyanka is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
While I'm sorry you now have to deal with "break up ugh" I am glad to hear you decided to end a relationship that wasn't feeding you rather than dragging it out. It wasn't sounding like what you are ultimately seeking and like the return on your investment wasn't up to snuff for you.

You have EVERY right to feel whatever it is you feel. Feelings come and go. They don't have to make sense to you at the time. Like the sense of hearing, seeing, touch, etc? The sense of emotions helps give you feedback about the world around you and let you know when your actions/thoughts are in alignment, help you decide things, and more. Some feelings are yummy to feel, some are yucky to feel -- all of them give you some data about the situation you are in.

So you decided something. Hopefully in time you will start to feel better and come to find that this decision served you well.



GL!
Galagirl
Thanks GG .. a return on my investment sounds clinical but you are right .. at some point it has to be looked at in such terms I guess

Thanks for the response
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  #22  
Old 07-29-2013, 05:40 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Pretty much. :/

Sooner or later it is "pros and cons" time and if the "cons" side of the list is longer? Might be time to stop putting so much in.

Again, I'm sorry to hear you have to deal in break up ugh right now. I hope it leads to better later though.

Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-29-2013 at 05:42 PM.
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  #23  
Old 07-29-2013, 05:58 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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******* please don't hate me
LOL! Poly is not a club with in members and out members. No one will hate you for honestly assessing a situation and finding that it won't work.
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  #24  
Old 07-30-2013, 03:25 PM
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Well .. he and I talked and he addressed the 'DTR' talk which is what bought me to this forum in the first place.

He wants him and me to be a 'hub' .. the most significant person in each other's lives without marriage/labels whatever ... this is exactly what I wanted (Needed??) to hear. It's perfect.

Bad news is: he thinks he needs to stay in his city for another 12 months and although there will be visits - I am not sure I can do another 12 months without going batshit crazy.

We aren't 'back on' as I told him I need to think things through - I have concerns about seeing others in a distance thing as well .. I am not sure that given that this is new to me anyhow that distance won't just exacerbate those initial teething issues.

I am not entirely sure how to bring all of this up .. whether or not to outline what will or won't work for me and leave it up to him to be okay/not okay with it or, hang in there for the short term and see how we go or, stick with my decision to walk away before it just gets even harder to.

Is it reasonable to say that I am not comfortable with either of us dating while we are still working at being together? That any issues that may come up are not going to be easily dealt with at a distance? I just cannot see me being okay with someone else being able to see him/spend time with him while I am stuck on a computer/phone ..

Be gentle with me .... I am not trying to control him .. I am trying to be honest with what I am quite sure will be my issues and save us both from some angst.

I don't even know how to express this to him without coming across as controlling .. I am okay with exploring his needs, I really am .. but I just think asking me to be okay with it from here, while he is there is a big ask (he hasn't asked, but, 12 months?. . I figure it is bound to come up)
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  #25  
Old 07-30-2013, 03:44 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Yeah, I don't know how people deal with long distance relationships, especially ones that have started out long distance, instead of being together initially and then one partner moving away temporarily for work/military service, or school.

How does one do it? You want to be primaries, but he can't/won't move for another year, and yet he seems interested in having local gfs/fuck buddies. NRE could well kick in and suddenly he and she are spending time together every day. Yuck. Where does that leave you, hanging on the telephone line? Bleh.
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  #26  
Old 07-30-2013, 04:45 PM
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Anyanka Anyanka is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Yeah, I don't know how people deal with long distance relationships, especially ones that have started out long distance, instead of being together initially and then one partner moving away temporarily for work/military service, or school.

How does one do it? You want to be primaries, but he can't/won't move for another year, and yet he seems interested in having local gfs/fuck buddies. NRE could well kick in and suddenly he and she are spending time together every day. Yuck. Where does that leave you, hanging on the telephone line? Bleh.
Exactly .. no matter which way I spin it .. it just looks .. sucky.
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  #27  
Old 07-30-2013, 06:01 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I don't subscribe to primary and secondary relationships myself. I also dont do long distance well.
Maca has to work out of town at times. Gg will be the first to say its miserable for all of us but most especially its rough on me.
More than 2 weeks apart and It gets messy.
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  #28  
Old 07-30-2013, 08:09 PM
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Anyanka Anyanka is offline
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Default It's funny cuz it's true . . . :(

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  #29  
Old 07-30-2013, 08:18 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Could just go for straight up honest conversation. Something like:
"I am okay with you exploring your needs, I really am.

I just think asking me to be you "main hub" person over Long Distance Relationship for 12 mos is not for me. I do not like LDR. I just cannot see me being okay with someone else being able to see you and spend time with you while I am stuck on a computer/phone. I rather be Closed until we are local if I LDR'd at all, and you rather date other people now. We are not compatible.

I prefer to stick with my decision to walk away before it just gets even harder to. Then I spare myself any future angst over LDR problems and you are free to date who you wish. You could look me up when local and we see what we see then."
There. Problems solved. If he DOES move in 12 mos, and you still want to date him then at that time, great. Date him then.

But at THIS point in time? You wanted to end if for a reason. Could let it BE ended for a while and see what that feels like and see if it serves you better.

You have every right to have your relationships in the manner you enjoy best. So's he. If they line up, great. If not, it's not. That's what the dating time if FOR -- to find those best compatible.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-30-2013 at 08:22 PM.
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  #30  
Old 07-30-2013, 08:22 PM
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Anyanka Anyanka is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Could just go for straight up conversation. Something like:
"I am okay with you exploring your needs, I really am.

I just think asking me to be you "main hub" person over Long Distance Relationship for 12 mos is not for me. I just cannot see me being okay with someone else being able to see you and spend time with you while I am stuck on a computer/phone. I rather be Closed until we are local, and you rather date now. We are not compatible.

I prefer to stick with my decision to walk away before it just gets even harder to. Then I spare myself any future angst over LDR problems and you are free to date who you wish."
There. Problems solved. If he DOES move in 12 mos, and you still want to date him then at that time, great. Date him then.

But at THIS point in time? You wanted to end if for a reason. Could let it BE ended for a while and see what that feels like and see if it serves you better.

Galagirl
This is actually what I had in mind .. well, I was going to ask him for a couple of weeks to think things through but let him know that this is where my head is at right now.

I don't see any way around it unless he is prepsred to visit VERY regularly and that seems unsustainable really.

Thanks
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