Polyfidelity

[CielDuMatin]

Seasnail, looks like you were asking what I thought you were, so I go back to my original answer

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by Seasnail

We have a big enough social network that there are lots of women he can meet & date that I wouldn't need to "meet" in any particular way because I'm likely to know her from sports or parties, or wherever: I'm just thinking of people who are strangers to me but that he knows from school or work... it feels very uneven, because he already has a basis for knowing if it would work for him, and whether they would likely "click", but I don't. I'm not trying to be picky, I really want to know that she'll respect me, come to care for me, and have good communication skills. That last one is something HB doesn't tend to look for... and I think it will make a huge difference.

Hi Seasnail,

Your approach seems pretty reasonable to me - as long as there's some flex there to accommodate the realities like scheduling etc. We approach things much the same way-although maybe a bit more liberal because of our experience.
One thing you might consider that we find beneficial to speed that connection with all process along, is to encourage & use the various mediums when it's practical and a face-to-face is proving complicated. We encourage contact by phone, email etc to try to get everyone getting to know each other ASAP when we run into scheduling problems. For us it works good. If we trust someone enough to be considering a relationship we certainly can trust them with a phone # and email. It's not as good as face-to-face but it does serve to underline everyone's sincerity until we can all get our schedules juggled around.
Just a thought.......

The sex thing for us isn't much of a discussion topic - but that's just us. We know and trust each other enough from experience to believe good judgment will be exercised. The only thing we insist on is openness. But that's no challenge either because we know there's no basis to hide anything.

Good luck - don't hurry.

GS

[redpepper]

Hi seasnail,yay,I finally have gotten around to writing.

For us (my husband polynerdist and I) it seems to have worked that we let each other know from the onset that we have been in touch with someone for the purpose of dating. If we meet up with them, then there is no catching up to do. If we click then there is no catching up to do. Everything was talked about from day one. Now I am looking for female company only, there has been no change to that rule (I say rule because I see boundaries as changeable and rules not so much), I just have three men to tell. The tersiary not so much, it can wait but definitely Nerdist and Mono.

When we made our boundaries clear to each other we didn't write them down and changed them a lot. We aren't the writing it down types I guess. Each boundary we come across is discussed at length with each other and sometimes the person that it involves and their partner. I think it is just good ethical practice, even for small stuff.

Perhaps the biggest thing for me has been to check in with my own boundaries. I made my own rules about dating when I started out. They completely fell through when I met Mono, but they were very helpful when I wasn't sure or just plain not interested in someone. I could then say, "well I have these rules for myself and this is what they are..."

My rules were, if we go beyond a second date then you have to at least talk to my husband on line first so you know he is real. If they wouldn't then that was it for me... it indicated that they were either used to cheating or would engage in that (whether that is true or not depended on the person and sometimes it was just fear... all discussable with them)..and I was only interested in being open. Then they would have to meet and then there was the chance of being more intimate....

You can of course decide for yourself what you own boundaries for yourself are... but those were mine.

[Seasnail]

Redpepper says:
For us (my husband polynerdist and I) it seems to have worked that we let each other know from the onset that we have been in touch with someone for the purpose of dating. If we meet up with them, then there is no catching up to do. If we click then there is no catching up to do. Everything was talked about from day one. Now I am looking for female company only, there has been no change to that rule (I say rule because I see boundaries as changeable and rules not so much), I just have three men to tell. The tersiary not so much, it can wait but definitely Nerdist and Mono.

When we made our boundaries clear to each other we didn't write them down and changed them a lot. We aren't the writing it down types I guess. Each boundary we come across is discussed at length with each other and sometimes the person that it involves and their partner. I think it is just good ethical practice, even for small stuff.

Perhaps the biggest thing for me has been to check in with my own boundaries. I made my own rules about dating when I started out. They completely fell through when I met Mono, but they were very helpful when I wasn't sure or just plain not interested in someone. I could then say, "well I have these rules for myself and this is what they are..."

My rules were, if we go beyond a second date then you have to at least talk to my husband on line first so you know he is real. If they wouldn't then that was it for me... it indicated that they were either used to cheating or would engage in that (whether that is true or not depended on the person and sometimes it was just fear... all discussable with them)..and I was only interested in being open. Then they would have to meet and then there was the chance of being more intimate....

You can of course decide for yourself what you own boundaries for yourself are... but those were mine.

Yeah, last weekend HB and I sat down to revise our boundaries too... we ended up making a flow chart for the process we envisioned instead of generating rules or boundaries. I think that helped a lot because HB can feel some flexibility in meeting someone, and yet I have this sense that I can reasonably predict what might happen, and that gives me a sense of peace.

It's interesting what you say about checking in with your own boundaries. Mine have always been higher than HB's, so to speak, and so he's often followed along with mine to keep the peace I think. It's frightening since the affair, because I don't KNOW where his boundaries are, and I'm not sure he does either.

GS says:
Your approach seems pretty reasonable to me - as long as there's some flex there to accommodate the realities like scheduling etc. We approach things much the same way-although maybe a bit more liberal because of our experience.
One thing you might consider that we find beneficial to speed that connection with all process along, is to encourage & use the various mediums when it's practical and a face-to-face is proving complicated. We encourage contact by phone, email etc to try to get everyone getting to know each other ASAP when we run into scheduling problems. For us it works good. If we trust someone enough to be considering a relationship we certainly can trust them with a phone # and email. It's not as good as face-to-face but it does serve to underline everyone's sincerity until we can all get our schedules juggled around.
Just a thought.....

GS

GS there's not really any scheduling issues... and I'd be happy to get to know someone online or by phone as much as face to face. As I said, I want to be assured of respect, caring, and communication style. I guess the part that bothers me about it is that HB seemed to want to date first, meet later, and it seems reminiscent of the affair. If it's going to be open, I want it clear from the outset what is going on and where our relationship stands. I don't like feeling like I might be an unpleasant surprise to some school mate who hangs out with HB every day, then goes on a date, and then finds out about me. BUT, the woman in question is coming to his birthday party this weekend, so I get a chance to meet her!!

It's encouraging to hear that some experience will help in being open to new situations and trusting one another's judgement.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by Seasnail

Yeah, last weekend HB and I sat down to revise our boundaries too... we ended up making a flow chart for the process we envisioned instead of generating rules or boundaries. I think that helped a lot because HB can feel some flexibility in meeting someone, and yet I have this sense that I can reasonably predict what might happen, and that gives me a sense of peace.

I'd love to see an example of the flowchart idea! I'm collecting ideas like that. Is there a way you could redraw it (without personal details) easily? Maybe scan it and put it on here? that would be exciting to see!!

[StitchwitchD]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

No idea what the requirements will be, as for what would happen, that I can answer.

If either of the guys (or myself as I am bi)
was interested in a poly (or mono)
woman (or man) who was
in (or not) a relationship outside of our circle,
we would all sit down to talk (as usual) and make arrangements to get to know that person.

The bottom line is connection-if we feel that the person can fit into our family dynamic, if we can be friends and we have a common comfort with them and they with us
-it doesn't matter what the "layout" is.
I know that a lot of people have "rules" about what type of form their family takes, but the problem with that (at least in my view) is that you could get the form, by putting a group of jerks together, to have a good family you have to accept the people who "fit" together, not fit people to a design...
I am not speaking in clear terms, I apologize-I'm not sure what terms would clearly say what I mean.
But I'm happy to answer more specific questions if I was TOO confusing!

OK, that seems like something flexible enough to live with. I know there's some people who define poly-fi as being a completely closed circle, so no one can date/have sex with anyone outside of that circle- so it's not just you staying in that circle, everyone you sleep with also has to be in the circle and everyone they sleep with and so on...So, for me, that'd mean having a really inclusive circle, or ending relationships with people who didn't want to do that.

The way you handle it, I'd have no problem with poly-fi. I am generally very selective with new partners, and I like for everyone to know each other, and I like getting other people's opinions before I make any big decisions.

[LovingRadiance]

Switch-
I've read some variations of that type of very strictly closed dynamic.
I think it's toooooo... something!
For us-it's more of a safety for the kids issue.
We're VERY family oriented-so anyone coming into our life needs to be comfortable with kids and safe for our kids to be comfortable with.
BUT-GG's best friend-doesn't socialize with the family, his lifestyle isn't compatible with our family lifestyle, but that doesn't mean he can't be best friends with GG. Just means they have to work a little harder to create social times that don't negatively impact GG's time with our kids.
Likewise-Maca has friends who aren't involved with the family for similar reasons.
I don't-but I almost always have the kids-so it's a bit different.
I realize those aren't lovers-but it would be the same thing. IF one of us had a lover who wanted other lovers-those other lovers may or may not be able to easily socialize with our family-just depends on if it's a 'fit' for them AND the kids. (we do have easy going kids who are fully aware of polyamory so that part isn't an issue).

And as far as going out-if for example, we went out the "three of us" and GG had a girlfriend who was going too, and she wanted to invite her other boyfriend-that's fine. If we aren't hanging with the kids-it's not our place to define the social atmosphere and who is or isn't welcome.

Really only strict in that one specific area and in the agreement that if any of us three is sexually involved with another person-we want that person to be someone we can all be friends with, not a "secret" and us not a "secret" to them either...