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Old 07-30-2013, 01:47 AM
OnTheCusp OnTheCusp is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 25
Default This isn't my business, but. . .

I came here awhile back when I was just beginning a polyamorous relationship that had some trust issues going on. In the months since then, we are now in the open to his primary and with my husband, and everything seems to be going well. His girlfriend and I are also interested in pursuing a relationship with each other, which everybody is fine with.

But there is a single trust issue remaining. (For clarity, we're calling him Mike, his primary girlfriend Peg, and his secondary girlfriend is Cassie.) The problem is his secondary, Cassie. She has not been informed that he and I are seeing each other, and he has no intention of letting her know. With her, the normal "rules" of polyamory (inasmuch as there are rules) don't apply. For instance, she's jealous of his time and whines when she can't see him as often as she wants. Peg has confided in me that Mike's relationship with Cassie has "broken" her, and that she (Peg) and Mike need therapy. Mike is trying to see less of Cassie, and keep her and Peg apart. Every time I see him or talk to him, he tells me about that day's "Cassie drama."

I know that it is not for me to tell him what he should do in his relationship with Cassie. It's totally his decision. I get that. But if he was nothing more than a friend of mine, I would be telling him that Cassie is doing nothing but slowly wearing away at his primary relationship with Peg, and that she's using him (and her) and won't stop unless he puts his foot down. (The backstory is that she and two of her 6 children moved into their home when he left her abusive husband. She didn't work or do anything for 8 months. He finally told her she needed to get a job, a place to live, therapy, and a car if they were going to continue. Mike and Peg supported all of them, and she continues to make terrible choices that keep her dependent on Mike.)

Do I have an agenda? Totally. Do I want him to get rid of Cassie? YES! But I want him to get rid of her less for what I can get out of it and more about him being free of that albatross around his neck, and more about his keeping the relationship with Peg healthy. It makes me completely nuts that I can't fix this for him.

At this point, all I'm doing is being there to listen when he needs to talk, and IF he asks for advice, I give it. I'm being loving, gentle and undemanding of him. He and Peg are becoming very close with me and my husband, and we spend time at each other's homes frequently. I see the healthy relationships we can all form, but I worry that he'll just keep hanging on to this woman who is slowly poisoning him and his relationship.

Am I asking for advice? I don't know. I know I can't tell him what to do. But watching him go through all this is painful for me, and is continuing to break Peg. And I can't fix it. What do I do?
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