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Old 07-23-2013, 12:06 AM
jacqui jacqui is offline
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I completed writing a memoir/blog and completed it a few months ago. I used to to come out to my family and the internet accessible world, as bi. I will share the entry where I came out with you all. If you find it interesting I can provide the link to the whole series. Set up: I was a SUPER repressed and religious teenager from a huge family. We lived in the backwoods of the Appalachian mountains.


Part 1

Somewhere Over the Monochrome Rainbow


"I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan;You have been very pleasant to me;Your love to me was wonderful, Surpassing the love of women." 2 Samuel 1:26


When the bus pulled up to the curb to drop me off for the first day of my junior year, a vampire sat alone outside listening to a Walkman I knew she had to be a vampire because kids in my church had been talking about her.They said a strange family, with three teens, had moved to the nearby town of Dante. They all had pale skin, dark hair,only came out at night, and dressed Goth. Rumor had it that the family came from Europe and had to move when they were discovered drinking blood. When I overheard the whispers I admonished the girls to stop spreading ridiculous gossip. But the moment I saw this striking girl I knew she had to be part of this vampire family.

She had the palest skin I had ever seen in real life, it looked supernatural. Her dark hair covered most of her face and reached down past her waist. She was wearing a baggy black Mudvayne shirt, red parachute pants, and army boots. The ensemble made her stand out like sore thumb against the other kids who mostly wore preppy or redneck attire. I was completely enchanted by her, but much to shy to introduce myself. Could this be the friend I had been praying for all summer? It was too much of a coincidence for her not to be.

I went into the school and asked my friends if they had seen the new kid. "Yeah, she is a transfer student from Texas or something. She is in our grade." I couldn't hide my excitement, "Oh wow that is awesome. We have to make friends with her and get her saved! She looks really cool." It was really rare for St. Paul High school to get a transfer student from out of state. We had only had a handful in the three years I had attended. "How should we do that?" Tonya asked, excited about winning another soul to Jesus. "I'm not sure yet. I guess when we have our prayer group at the flag pole we can pray for opportunities to talk to her."

Our group prayers seemed to be answered when the girl was in my French class. I sat as close to her as I could and tried to gather clues. In various youth group sermons that focused on soul winning, I had learned to strike up conversations about things you observed about people. For instance, if a student had on a t shirt with a band you could say,"I have heard of XYZ band before! Have you ever heard {insert similar sounding christian band}?" Little ice breakers that could eventually help you ascertain what church they attend, if any, and bring up the chance to invite them to yours. But I had never heard of Mudvayne, and couldn't muster the courage to talk to her.

After the teacher taught us to count to ten in French she asked the mysterious girl to introduce herself to the class and tell them a little about herself. My ears perked up and I made a mental note of every word. "My name is Sheree Cathey. I just moved here from Duncan, Texas. My Mom wanted our family to be in a safer neighborhood." "We are glad to have you Sheree, do you speak any foreign languages?" " I took a couple years of Latin, placed fourth in the Texas Latin competition. I took a couple years of French already and went on a two week trip to France. But my credits wouldn't transfer over so they put me in French 1."

With every word she uttered I felt myself becoming more bewitched. She had to be brilliant to take French and Latin, not to mention placing in competitions! She had actually been out of the country. I didn't think I had ever met someone my age who had traveled overseas. Even her name was completely exotic. I was marveling and absentmindedly staring at the back of her head when I realized the teacher had called on me.

Ms. Wells had been reviewing our lesson for the day and had asked me to stand up and count to ten. My mind froze and I felt myself panicking. I stood up and with a dry mouth and felt everyone looking at me, waiting bored. Sheree had piercing eye's and I quickly stared at the ceiling tiles as I rattled the numbers off to avoid meeting them. I heard a few kids snickering at me but had no clue why.

"Jacqui are you bilingual?" "Um....no Ma'am." "Well you could have fooled me. You just counted to ten in pretty decent Spanish." I felt all the blood rush to my face and knew I was blushing.I had to act cool and laugh it off somehow. "I must have seen Sesame Street one to many times." To my relief everyone laughed, including Ms. Wells. "That's okay you can try again." I closed my eyes,tried to breath, and began counting with a ridiculous redneck accent. " Zero, Un, Deux..."

It took a week of me watching Sheree from afar, like a CIA operative, before I made my move. I noticed that she never sat in the cafeteria during lunch, but sat by herself outside.She hadn't made friends yet, which wasn't surprising in such a close knit small school. I told my prayer group, who had prayed for her salvation every morning, that they needed to scarf down their lunches. Then we would go outside and hang out near Sheree. "We need to seem as friendly as we can and see if we can get her involved in a conversation."

My plan worked like a charm. We parked ourselves just a few feet away from her and started joking around. I turned sideways to open up the circle and would look over and smile when someone told a particularly funny quip. Eventually, when it was clear she was paying attention,I introduced myself and everyone in my group. Sheree had a hacky sack and asked us if we wanted to join in on the game. Hacky sacks were alien toys, I had never seen one at our school. We spent the rest of lunch learning the rules and kicking the little bean bag around. We casually scheduled another game for the following day.

After hanging out with Sheree for a couple days I finally worked up the gumption to write her a letter. In it I invited her to come to our church sometime. I told her I knew it must be hard moving from a big city to such a backwards Podunk town. I asked her about her family and told her a little about myself. I was worried she would think I was really lame and ignore me. But to my surprise she wrote me back immediately and was really friendly. She said her Mom wanted to bring the family to church for Mother's day so they would check mine out.
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Old 07-23-2013, 12:07 AM
jacqui jacqui is offline
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Default part 2

The first youth group that Sheree attended was also my first sermon; I decided to go all out and use theatrics. My youth pastors Ashley and Dwight had to go out of town and decided to give me an opportunity to practice, since I felt called into the ministry. I enlisted the help of two youth leaders, Tina and Jeremy. Tina was six years older than me but was one of my best friends. She was a volunteer fire fighter and EMT; and had a job as a teachers aid in my school. She extremely active in the church and youth group and I idolized her. I couldn't believe such a cool older person would want to be my friend, she even wrote me encouraging letters. Jeremy was her cousin and a former marine.

I got inspiration for my sermon from my obsessive studying of martyrs. When I had heard that people had been persecuted and killed for believing in Jesus I really related to it. I was looked at strangely every day for my fervent beliefs. If I was going to die one day the most honorable and romanticized way to go put would be while defending God.

I ready and memorized books about Martyr's; Jesus Freaks by DC Talk and Foxe's Book of Martyr's. The more horrific the death the more inspirational they were. Stories that really stuck with me were the more horrific tales. Emperor Nero using Christians impaled on stakes and burned alive as torches to light his gardens at night. A woman while being raped, drawn, and quartered; praying for the souls of her attackers. The manner of deaths ranged from stoning, shot with arrows, and starvation; to more creative ends such as limbs torn off, be-headings, crucifixions, burning at the stake, feeding to animals, and flaying alive.

I delivered my sermon in the basement of the church by candlelight. I was really nervous about speaking in front of people, but they were all my friends which helped calm me down. "Today in communist China Christians have to meet in secret. They aren't allowed to come to youth group or church. If they are found out they would be arrested and thrown into prison." I talked about modern day martyr's worldwide and how as Americans we shouldn't take our freedoms for granted. "Our faith is like a candle. We shouldn't be ashamed our our faith, try to hide it from everyone around us. We need to be a candle on a hill, shining to bring hope to everyone around us.Even if we are mocked,ridiculed, or even killed for our beliefs; it will not be in vain. Look at Cassie Bernall from the Columbine shooting, she died because of her faith but it has inspired hundreds if not thousands of people to get saved. Would you be willing to be a martyr for your beliefs?"

On cue the door to the basement crashed open and two figures dressed in camouflage, wearing ski masks, and holding rifles burst into the room. A loud male voice barked "Everyone put your hands up where I can see them and don't move." Everyone instantly obeyed. A few girls were shrieking and I noticed that my dear friend Tabby was white as a sheet and trembling. " We are with the New World Order and have seized control of the government. We have been given orders to round up and execute every Christian. Who here believes in God?"

It was clear at this point that the two intruders were acting; but they weren't breaking character. It was a scary and powerful moment and even I had chills. Teens were whimpering and huddled together holding on to one another. I stepped forward and said "I believe in God". As arranged one of the figures ran up to me, grabbed me from behind and drug me out of the room. I put on a good show kicking and screaming bloody murder. When I was outside the back door Tina lit a loud firecracker. Making it sound as though I had been shot. I heard more kids scream from inside the basement. At this point, as I had hoped, all of the teenagers stood to the pretend gunman, Jeremy, and announced their faith. I was really proud of the fact that my first sermon had been so well received. Several kids got saved or rededicated and many told me that it was a service they would never forget.

After Sheree got saved, on her own not in during youth group, I took her under my wing and "discipled" her. I loved breaking the bible down and teaching it's principles. Sheree was really hungry to learn and "on fire" for the word of God. She even gave up her favorite vice, smoking pot. The two of us were inseparable, kindred spirits. I told her she was God's answers to my prayers my a friendship that mirrored King David and Jonathan. We exchanged more letters every day then I wrote to all my friends combined. I was obsessed with like like only a teenager with a mad crush could be.


The Youth Alive club, a Christian club I founded, was still thriving and I had been elected President. It was my duty to book guest speakers, keep in communication with the school staff, and oversee any disciplinary action. One fateful day I received a couple anonymous written complaints about two male Youth Alive officers. The complaints were made because the guys had been reportedly overheard talking about being homosexuals.

I agonized over what to do about the complaints. Should I ignore them? The guys were both really enthusiastic members of the club and members of my social circle. But I couldn't just ignore them. Rumors often swirled about my own sexual identity, if I overlooked the complaints and kids found out about it, it would look like I had a soft spot for homosexuals. Maybe even confirm to some people that I was attracted to girls. I would have to throw down the guillotine.

I met with the other officers of the club and discussed the issue with them. Most agreed that it was against the code of conduct and biblical law to be homosexual. "It would be one thing if they were just in the club, but as officers they have to be the example for the other students." It was decided I would talk to them and ask them to renounce homosexuality. If they weren't willing to do that then I would tell them they were not invited to the club anymore.
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Old 07-23-2013, 12:08 AM
jacqui jacqui is offline
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Default final part 3

The only officer who was adamantly opposed to me kicking the guys out was Jessica. "You can't kick them out for being gay! Who are you Hitler? I thought Jesus was all above loving everyone." "I am doing what has to be done. Here read Leviticus 20:13." I handed her my worn out bible and showed her the highlighted passage. "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." " Oh my God Jacqui, I can't believe what a bitch you being. You have let your power go to your head. You are such a fucking hypocrite." I saw red.

"I am NOT a hypocrite. What are you saying? I like guys. I am just doing what is biblical. This isn't fun for me. The last time I checked you were in Youth Alive too and know that it's against the rules to cuss." "So what are you going to kick out your own sister for cussing? You big bully! Everyone thinks you are gay anyway. It's not normal how close you and Sheree are." "How dare you say something like that?! She is just my best friend, I like boys. If you cuss me one more time you are banished from the club." She looked at me with defiance in her eyes. "Whatever you say....BITCH." "That's it! Consider yourself kicked out of Youth Alive." "You will regret this Jacqui, don't think you will get away with this." She hissed before stomping off.

During lunch I met with the two accused boys in private and asked them to renounce homosexuality.They refused. So I asked them not to attend future club meetings. I was relieved that they took it with grace, turning on their heels and leaving without punching me in the throat. I then held an emergency meeting during lunch; informing the other officers that Jessica had been using profanity. "She cussed me out at home and at school. If other kids overhear this then we will lose our credibility." After a quick unanimous vote Jessica was also banished from Youth Alive."You are all a bunch of mindless fucking sheep." She blurted out before storming off in tears.

I couldn't help thinking that this must be what if felt like to be the Joseph McCarthy; during his infamous hearings. Only instead of rooting out commies, I was rooting out homosexuals and their supporters. It was a shameful feeling, but the only other option was to come clean. To come out as being attracted to men and women. Tell everyone I had romantic feelings for my best friend. I would lose everything I had so hard worked for;my friends, youth alive presidency, my leadership position at church, I probably would be kicked out of the church. Not to mention being ostracized, mocked, and humiliated by everyone I know.No way in hell I could ever let that happen during my lifetime.

The next morning I approached my group of friends in the hallway and enthusiastically waved at them. It was my morning tradition to give each of my friends an innocent little side hug. I noticed as I got closer they all stopped talking. I tried not to be paranoid, maybe it was just a natural lull in conversation. "Hi guys, hows it going? I hope you all had a good night! We were really busy at work last night."

I reached the first friend and put my arm around her shoulder. She jerked away like I had stung her. "No Jacqui, don't touch me." I laughed thinking she was joking and tried to pat her on the back." "I mean it Jacqui don't touch me." I realized that she was being serious. She looked like she was repulsed by me. It felt like I had been stabbed in the heart with a hot poker. Another of my friends said, "We decided we don't want to hug anymore." "Wha...what are you talking about? Why?" "We just don't feel comfortable hugging you anymore. We think it's weird." I was so completely caught off guard that I couldn't hide tears welling up in my eyes. I felt the poker turning. "Um okay, that's no problem. I have to go...um... go get a book I left in the gym."

I bolted out sight as quickly as I could so they couldn't see how hurt I was. What was going on? They made me feel like I had the plague or something. As I walked towards to gym, in case they were watching me, a handful of kids snickered as I went by. What was going on? When I reached the foyer area near the locker rooms a lower class man came out. As I approached to walk past her she didn't move out of my way, but instead drew closer. Suddenly she reached out her hand and grabbed my breast.

I screeched in horror and staggered backwards. I felt so violated, like I had lost every shred of dignity. "WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" The girl laughed, "I was trying to see how red I could make you turn. I heard you are playing on our team now." "What are you talking about?" My voice was higher pitched than a castrato. "Everyone knows you are a lesbian Jacqui. Your sister told the entire school.".....



I leave all my posts on a cliffhanger
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  #4  
Old 07-27-2013, 07:01 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Default Wow...

That's some powerful stuff that you have written!

I would like to read the rest if you want to share the link. (If you want you could PM it to me if you don't want to post it publicly.)

Thank you for sharing with us.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 07-28-2013, 03:44 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Default

This is crazy powerful. I'm really interested in the rest myself.
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Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
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Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #6  
Old 07-30-2013, 12:09 AM
jacqui jacqui is offline
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Default

Aw thanks!

Here is the link to the first entry.

http://iammyowncousin.blogspot.com/2...hird-twin.html
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