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Old 07-29-2013, 09:38 PM
starmonkey starmonkey is offline
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 26
Default Passion and Intimacy in a new relationship - where is it?

Hello everyone - wouldn't mind getting other takes on my current situation.

For a bit of background, I've been practicing poly for just under a year now, with mixed results. I still struggle with a mono-centric mindset and regularly have to deal with some uncomfortable emotions like insecurity, fears of loss and abandonment, envy, etc - all of which generally manifest themselves on the surface as jealously. Although I struggle with these feelings, they belong to me; I am careful to keep them on my side of the street, and prevent them from permeating my relationship(s). I've made some progress.

I've been dating a new girl for about 2 weeks now, that like and I'm pretty attracted to. Neither of us are in a main "central" relationship with anyone, and both of us are interested in more of a "main squeeze" relationship. She has been practicing polyamory for a few years, and really doesn't seem to have the same struggles as I run into - she called my before my last date with someone a few days ago to sincerely wish me luck. We seem to communicate pretty effectively with each other. We seem to want the same things, have much in common, enjoy each other's company, and I get along with her 3 year old son. Everything seems great - except I have this feeing like there is something really important missing that I have been having a hard time articulating. I almost want to ask - where is the NRE?

Originally I thought it was because she was putting off having sex with me. I posted here, and got some pretty spot on advice (particularly on the differences between how man and women look at relationships and sex), and now I'm not so concerned about that, but the feeling like something is off is still very persistent. I think I am starting to realize that it is not sex in of itself I'm missing - I think it is intimacy and passion, so I will try to describe what I'm talking about.

On intimacy - we have these great talks about what our future might look like, but we still don't seem to really have that kind of non-verbal intimacy I crave - its a way you touch, hug and kiss someone you are into, like how some people will gently touch someone's cheek when you are telling them how you feel about them, or just wrap your arms around them when you talk. She seems like she is keeping me at arms length - which I'm having a hard time with. I'm following her lead, and trying to not be as touchy-feely as I would normally, but it is feeling way more awkward than I thought it would be - It has gotten uncomfortable.

On passion - well, for me - that is that almost giddy excitement you have to be with someone you really dig. Outside of my work, I'm very open with this and pretty easily express this one in my day-to-day life, and most of the people I know have this to some degree. In a similar way as the intimacy issue I mentioned, she seems like she is either keeping this deep under wraps where I can't see it, or (more worrisome to me) she just doesn't feel the excitement.

Honestly - I don't really know what to do with a relationship with little intimacy or passion. I move forward in a relationship using both - trying to suppress them feels very odd and unnatural to me, so I sort of feel like I am hovering in limbo - something I am not very good at at all. I don't think this is a situation where she needs space, because she contacts me pretty regularly - pretty much everyday - but it all lacks that sort of spark and fire.

I feel like it is time to talk about this with her, but I wanted to bring the issue up here first, and see what comes back from it. I don't know if this is more about my perception distorted by some other emotion - but it doesn't have that tell-tale pit-in the stomach I usually feel when triggered. I would really like to hear what others take on all this is.

Thanks for reading this.
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