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  #11  
Old 07-29-2013, 02:56 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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"Nobody who I can immediately rule out for a LTR."

Also this. There is no room for growth with C, it is what it is.

A is currently working with his partner, with a therapist, on their rules but says too many requests for change are likely to invoke veto.
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  #12  
Old 07-29-2013, 03:16 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlantis View Post
This hits the nail on the head. Stay away from the monos and those not really poly and those with long lists of restrictions. The veto is deeply worrisome and apparently has been wielded frequently in the past... people who are not poly or poly minded.
Polyamory is a relationship viewpoint which recognizes that loving more than one is possible and that the opportunity to do so is preferable. There are plenty of poly folk who have a list of rules that look like you are applying to join the army and there are a few who find any rules at all to be undesirable. Both of these extremes and the range between are polyamorous as long as the basic definition is true.

You are just looking for someone who has a particular view of relating within the polyamorous dynamic. There are folks out there with a low threshold for rules but it does seem that they (we) are in the minority.

Keep looking, don't settle for a rule-centric relationship (if that's not what you are looking for) just because it is what's readily available.

Quote:
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A is currently working with his partner, with a therapist, on their rules but says too many requests for change are likely to invoke veto.
This would be a red flag for me. A red flag I could see from space.
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  #13  
Old 07-30-2013, 12:23 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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I would add, Stay away from sad-faced mono men who are shocked if you don't want to be exclusive after only three dates.

Even if you do decide to be monogamous with the right person, the right person for you would probably be someone who is comfortable with non-exclusive dating for a while before monogamous commitment, yes?
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  #14  
Old 07-30-2013, 08:56 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlantis View Post
I read the" how to quote section" and still couldn't work it out...
Click this button: on the post you want to quote to open a reply window containing that post as a quote and type what you have to say after the [/QUOTE] tag.

If you want to quote more than one post, click this button: on each post you want to quote, then click "Post Reply" at the bottom of the page to open the reply window containing all the posts within [QUOTE] tags.

In both cases, you can remove the irrelevant bits, so long as the [QUOTE] and [/QUOTE] tags are there at the beginning and end respectively. Use the "Preview Post" button to double-check that you've deleted the right bits before submitting your reply.

For example:

[QUOTE=Atlantis;217698]I read the" how to quote section"[/QUOTE] My Text Here.

will give you:
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I read the" how to quote section"
My Text Here.

Last edited by Emm; 07-30-2013 at 08:58 AM.
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  #15  
Old 07-30-2013, 11:46 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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As Marcus said; everyone already seems to have this covered. I'd just like to add one thing.

There is a preconception that if one is open to being poly, or is adamantly poly, they need to be concerned about 'inflicting' this on mono folk. This implies a sense of separation that you also find in both the LGBT and BDSM communities (I can't count how many times my fellow kinksters have expressed inadvertent, or plain advertent, snobbery towards 'vanillas' - or my fellow LGBT folk have glared down their noses at 'heteros').

When I met my current girlfriend, I didn't even know about the word 'polyamory'. I'd been involved in variants of it before, but I was largely completely monogamous. My GF was very clear that she absolutely would not be monogamous and that I should never expect that from our future. This didn't offend me, as a 'previous mono'. I found her approach (albeit a tad gung-ho at the time; which she would now agree with... hahaha) ... really quite awakening and beautiful.

Furthermore, the last two women I dated identified as mono before they met me. They weren't offended in the slightest - in fact; they were very curious and interested to learn more about polyamory. There *are* people out there who will bin you for being poly; just as there are plenty of poly people who will have to bin dates because they are set on monogamy. There are also people who will judge, think it's wrong, etc etc. Somehow, it's treated almost in the same way as revealing a long-term illness or other daunting fact to a potential lover. In reality, it's no different to any other relationship guideline you might have for yourself, such as "I eventually want kids" or "I travel a lot with work".

Simply put... the best thing to do would be to decide whether you are open to monogamy or not. I personally fluctuate - sometimes I think I'd be fine with it and sometimes I think that I absolutely wouldn't. If I met someone I really, truly connected with, I'd try whichever dynamic we could agree on out for a little while. If I had existing relationships that were dear to me, I doubt I would drop them by default, just to be involved with a monogamous person.

Essentially, you aren't getting what you need from your current guys, but you are attached to them. As others have said: it is absolutely possible to find what you are looking for with other people. It's even possible to up your numbers and get different needs met.

As for relationship guidelines and rules - I've personally never had a problem with this. If I meet someone, I'm happy to stick to their restrictions. If I'm not happy with it, I wouldn't date them in the first place. Granted, I have an existing 'primary' relationship - but I'm totally happy to be considered someone's 'secondary'; not to travel or live with them, etc, providing that they don't move the goal posts or allow their primary to make decisions for us that are different to the original guidelines I agreed to. The Veto is one thing I am absolutely, completely opposed to. I wouldn't choose not to date someone if they had a Veto rule - but I would be very, very cautious.

Overall, it's not about swapping polyamory for monogamy. It's about deciding which relationship models suit you, which ones you are willing to try and how.
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Last edited by sparklepop; 07-30-2013 at 11:48 AM.
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  #16  
Old 07-30-2013, 04:06 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Thanks Em for the clear instructions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
Overall, it's not about swapping polyamory for monogamy. It's about deciding which relationship models suit you, which ones you are willing to try and how.
I agree, I had quite the knee jerk reaction the other night and have calmed down considerably. I realize that while I maybe open to mono in the future there is no way I could just break up what I have and generally the polyship is sailing smoothly.

I had a big chat with C yesterday, he even came round to talk this through. He agreed with the comments on here and thinks I should add someone open the existing relationships.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
I would add, Stay away from sad-faced mono men who are shocked if you don't want to be exclusive after only three dates.
We are both European, it is very uncommon to date more than one person at a time. I was very surprised when I moved here, so I understand his reaction.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
This would be a red flag for me. A red flag I could see from space.
We are going to have a sit down chat with the list printed out and I will have a serious think about whether or not I wish to continue.
I am terribly fond of him. He is very supportive of my "activity slut" behavior, we have all kinds of fun stuff planned but, but, but, having the primary couple dictate the terms of my relationship is uncomfortable.

All in all, feeling much calmer and appreciative of the guys and also have a much clearer view of how I need to approach dating in the future.

Thanks to you all for the input.
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  #17  
Old 07-31-2013, 11:20 AM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlantis View Post

We are both European, it is very uncommon to date more than one person at a time. I was very surprised when I moved here, so I understand his reaction.
I'd hazard that all men that identify as monogamous would have a negative reaction to finding out the person they are dating is not monogamous. There are plenty of European poly people though. Just like there are poly people on every continent. And actually, I'd argue that the "norm" these days is to casually date multiple people and then to settle with one.
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