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Old 07-29-2013, 03:29 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Default Solo Poly meets Mono

HI,
I have been lurking on the forums and I am hopeful of some interesting feedback.

After 10 years of marriage I am back out exploring the world one activity at a time .I am 41 and share parenting of 2 children. I love to go and try new things and see new places..herein lies the problem...
After much reading, I identify as solo polyish. Not looking for a full-time, escalator type relationship, but open to it.

Currently in a relationship with C ( 50) , he is married with a DADT policy. He has time restrictions, no overnights and no weekends. Mainly we meet, eat and have great sex. As I was getting frustrated with this I decided to start dating. We have been together for a year and are very close.

I meet A(53) , in an open relationship with a list of rules a mile long, including veto and no dates more than 16 hours and only 1 date per week which usually falls mid-week as he is with his primary most weekends. We have great dates, lots of fun activities and are experimenting with BDSM. But back to the frustration of not being to do weekends away or travel. We have been together 6 months and are having a lot of fun.

I meet N (37 never married ). We have a few dates, I like him, he likes me. I bring up the expectations conversation. I say I am seeing 2 people who are in open relationships and the time restrictions aren't working for me, I am looking for someone who has time and wants to use it being active. The poor dude is shocked, says he is looking for one person to date and move towards a serious relationship.

I don't think he will call me again but it raised some questions for me...

Would I give up my 2 guys to go mono?
How do you navigate the early stages of a new relationship to leave the option of mono?
Should I not have bought up the other 2 guys after 3 dates?
Do I have to give up my guys before I re-enter mono world in the hopes of finding someone without a primary ( time restricted ).

Thanks for any thoughts.
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Old 07-29-2013, 08:37 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlantis View Post
As I was getting frustrated with this I decided to start dating. We have been together for a year and are very close.
Quote:
with a list of rules a mile long.........and are having a lot of fun.

Quote:
Would I give up my 2 guys to go mono?
Well I think the pertinent lines are above, it seems you are close to the first bloke and are having a lot of fun with the second. I don't know, 'would' you?

Quote:
Do I have to give up my guys before I re-enter mono world in the hopes of finding someone without a primary ( time restricted ).
The question really is should you? And only you can answer that really, but if you are enjoying their company and the only problem is that you want someone around who has more time to dedicate to you, than that is what I would look for, I guess the problem is, it seems that with blokes your only options are: date a poly bloke and deal with being less than secondary depending on what rules his primary decides for him (pathetic sad faced wussy man) OR date a single bloke and run the risk that he will want you to himself.....

But....there is another way..

There are non pathetic sad faced wussy Poly men who might have more time available.

Quote:
How do you navigate the early stages of a new relationship to leave the option of mono?
Well personally I wouldn't, since I don't want a monogamous relationship. If you would actually dump your current more casual relationships for monogamy OTOH than I would just tell the prospective person that I am seeing others but am open to monogamy.

Quote:
Should I not have bought up the other 2 guys after 3 dates?
Better to be honest (as you were) no point in dragging out an incompatible relationship.

However, FWIW, are you sure you are soloish poly? Or are you rather just a single woman dating around until you find the one?
They're not really the same thing to be honest.

Last edited by Natja; 07-29-2013 at 08:42 AM. Reason: it needed it
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Old 07-29-2013, 12:42 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Quote:
However, FWIW, are you sure you are soloish poly? Or are you rather just a single woman dating around until you find the one?
They're not really the same thing to be honest.
I am wondering the same thing. Are you really poly or are you playing the field until the right man comes along.

Maybe you need to find a man without the stupid restrictions the first two come with.
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Old 07-29-2013, 01:16 PM
london london is offline
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Personally, I've made the decision that I don't want mono relationships, so I am not keeping them as an option at all. In fact, I make it clear that it definitely isn't an option.

I think you should be telling people sooner than the third date, myself, and if you are still unsure about what you want, make that clear too. You could tell people that at the moment, you plan to have open relationships only, but that might change, and it might change with someone other than them. That means anything you have developed with them will end as a consequence of you being monogamous with someone else. They can then choose whether or not to date you under these conditions.

I appreciate the frustration you are expereincing, I went through it myself. Then I set some rules for my relationships:
No DADT's
No Veto rules
Nobody who hasn't already identified as non mono
Nobody who I can immediately rule out for a LTR

And, I found two great people.
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Old 07-29-2013, 01:44 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
There are non pathetic sad faced wussy Poly men who might have more time available.
I don't have anything to add, you guys have pretty much covered it. This just really tickled me
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Old 07-29-2013, 02:35 PM
Flear Flear is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Nobody who hasn't already identified as non mono
Nobody who I can immediately rule out for a LTR
usually i have a hard time understanding negatives, ... use double negatives and you've completely lost me.

what do these mean ?

and on another point - what is a DADT ?
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Old 07-29-2013, 02:39 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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DADT is Don't Ask Don't Tell. Typically, spells trouble because someone is going to figure something out and feel badly. No honesty or transparency.

The rest is that London is saying they do NOT date mono people. Only non mono people and no one that can't possibly be a long term relationship.

Not that they have to be a primary or major relationship off the bat, but if there's no room for growth into a long term relationship they aren't interested.
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Old 07-29-2013, 02:40 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
DADT is Don't Ask Don't Tell. Typically, spells trouble because someone is going to figure something out and feel badly. No honesty or transparency.

The rest is that London is saying they do NOT date mono people. Only non mono people and no one that can't possibly be a long term relationship.

Not that they have to be a primary or major relationship off the bat, but if there's no room for growth into a long term relationship they aren't interested.
too add to that, I mean nobody who hasn't ventured down the poly/non mono path of their own merit. I'm not into people who hear about it from me and then think it might be a good idea.
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Old 07-29-2013, 02:42 PM
Flear Flear is offline
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k, all sounds good
same thoughts here.
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  #10  
Old 07-29-2013, 02:46 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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I read the" how to quote section" and still couldn't work it out...

"There are non pathetic sad faced wussy Poly men who might have more time available."

This hits the nail on the head. Stay away from the monos and those not really poly and those with long lists of restrictions. The veto is deeply worrisome and apparently has been wielded frequently in the past.



"Well personally I wouldn't, since I don't want a monogamous relationship. If you would actually dump your current more casual relationships for monogamy OTOH than I would just tell the prospective person that I am seeing others but am open to monogamy."

After much thought last night, I couldn't just dump them. Things are going well apart from the time frustration. There is a lot more more emotional attachment on both sides than I made out ( reserved Brit ).

"Better to be honest (as you were) no point in dragging out an incompatible relationship."

Agreed, I need to be even quicker about it and avoid meeting people who are not poly or poly minded.

"However, FWIW, are you sure you are soloish poly? Or are you rather just a single woman dating around until you find the one?
They're not really the same thing to be honest."

No, I am really not looking for "the one" but someone who can work with my current relationships. This is the clarity that I didn't have when I met N. But I do have it now for going forward.

Thanks everyone.
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