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  #101  
Old 02-05-2010, 03:57 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars View Post
I
Is it possible he knows but never brings it up? This seems pretty typical of 1) a 21 year old guy. Another likely situation is that he doesnt know, and doesnt care to know because hes dealing with his own life
Thanks Glow for weighing in on this.
I suspect this is a topic that a lot of polys either are struggling with - or will be at some time. We in fact have almost the identical situation with our own youngest. Our older kids 'know' but don't discuss it.

There's been some big debate going on in the General thread about marginalization of younger people and I think this is a perfect example of where input from both sides of the equation would be welcome & valued.

If you have children who are approaching the age of discussion about lifestyles, sexuality etc, how difficult is this going to be and do you have any plans for how you are going to approach it ?

On the other hand........

If you are in the... say........14-25 age group, how would you deal with the discovery that your parents have been involved in a poly lifestyle ? How would it affect your view, respect etc of them ? How would it impact your own thinking of your own future relationship possibilities ?
Would you even WANT to know ?

I'd love to see this thread take off.............

GS
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  #102  
Old 02-05-2010, 04:03 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I agree, GS, this topic is a really good one. I know of one poly family with kids that are "in the know" - two of them are already members here, so I hope they will weigh in with their own experiences.

Maybe a mod could move this to the General Discussion board where it might be more visible, since this really is a relevant topic to poly....
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  #103  
Old 02-05-2010, 04:31 PM
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Default Done and Done

Good suggestion, Ciel.
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  #104  
Old 02-05-2010, 05:04 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Good suggestion, Ciel.
Rarechild,

Do you customarily notify an OP when you move a thread via PM or some other method ?
Just asking in case a poster was new and not well skilled yet in navigating forums and tracking down things. They might go back looking for their post and think it deleted or lost. Be a shame.

Thanks,

GS
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  #105  
Old 02-05-2010, 10:43 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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We have 4 children. 18, 13,10 (in a couple days) and 2.5 years respectively.
Three of them live with us-the 13 year old does not. He's "in care" for psychological issues. The three who live with us know (obviously the 2 year old doesnt know all the terms, the other two do).
Prior to coming out "poly" all 4 kids were very well acquainted with GG as he's been in my life since the oldest was 18 months old. They've grown up with him as a close family member (the older 3 often referred to him as uncle).
When we came out-it was just a relief to the oldest. She had grown up seeing GG and I around one another. At 18 she was old enough to understand love, and she knows the "signs" when she see's them. So seeing us look at one another-even if no words were spoken and we didn't touch-was enough for her to know we loved each other deeply. It was easier when it was all "up and up" with Maca (her stepdad, but she claims him as just dad) because she didn't have to wonder if she was doing something wrong by not saying something even though she SAW the emotions. (Maca knew-it just wasn't talked about openly before).

The 10 yr old was struggling with "honesty" versus "lying" shortly after we decided on poly. He went to tears telling me he didn't "lie" to daddy-but he didn't talk to him because he was scared daddy wouldn't love him anymore if he told him (some stuff about needing more time with him-nothing significant in the BIG scheme, but to him it was HORRIBLY significant). I used that opportunity to tell him about how I had to tell daddy I was poly (which required explaining poly/mono).
His reaction was "well if polyamory means loving more than one person and monogomous means you only love one person then it's stupid for people to have a problem with polyamory because God said we are supposed to love everyone equally." (he's the conservative "bible thumper" in the family) He proceeded to recite a verse from the Bible to me about Loving others as Christ loved the church blah blah and explaining what he feels that means etc.
Suffice it to say-he has no issue.
In fact the other night we were playing Balderdash. One of the words was something including "poly" and "pic" in it (don't recall the exact word) he wrote the definition as "taking a picture of a polyamorous family on a car trip".
Yes he spelled polyamorous correctly on his paper.
We were stunned. He pays attention AND he's totally cool with it.

The baby knows that mommy and daddy go to bed together, and that mommy is in GG's bed when she wakes up in the morning-and she comes to get me there.
They see me kiss GG and daddy hello when they get home from work, goodbye when they leave. They see me curl up and snuggle with either of them and they are AWARE (though obviously not welcome to SEE) that I take a bath with daddy to talk most evenings and a shower with daddy before bed, as well as taking a shower with GG a few times a week.

So-for me as an adult-I think it's better all around for the kids to know (the 13 year old will know when he's psychologically stable enough to be home again).

BUT-as a 14-current age daughter-I don't give a HOOT what my parents do with their sex lives and I'm not interested in hearing about it.
I know that they are each married and love their spouses. I know my stepmother tends to a poly nature.. but if they have lovers, no idea.
No one lives with them, but if someone did-I wouldn't care.

My little sister is 16. I'm teaching her health right now, I picked up the book suggested on another thread from the scarleteen website for her. She is DEAD SET on NOT knowing ANYTHING about her parents sex life. She will talk to me about relationships and sex IN GENERAL, but specific examples of types of relationships people in her family have-grosses her out.
She did not freak out yesterday though when GG kissed me full on the mouth before work-she was sitting next to me on the couch and she's comfortable hanging out with GG and Maca and I.


To the OP-I think you might consider the post about maybe he is too busy to care. Don't try to "hide" from him, maybe just don't shove it down his throat either?

If he ASKED I would certainly not lie. That would be damaging to YOUR relationship with him. But if it's just about him knowing-let him know by life experience maybe. If he see's you with one of the others doing something that could be questioned-just look him in the eye and tell him, " all (four?) of you are aware of the dynamics and happy with them, but if he has questions you don't mind elaborating, just don't want to fill his ears with info he doesn't want about you." or something along those lines...

GS-so what do you think-would it be fostering marginalization of youth in general (not poly specifically) to blatantly hide the truth of our lifestyle from them?
I don't have an opinion on it yet... just a question that popped into my head.
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  #106  
Old 02-05-2010, 11:44 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
GS-so what do you think-would it be fostering marginalization of youth in general (not poly specifically) to blatantly hide the truth of our lifestyle from them?
I don't have an opinion on it yet... just a question that popped into my head.
LR,
I don't want to see this thread diverge so will (if even possible) comment either on the Marginal thread or PM.
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  #107  
Old 02-06-2010, 12:18 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Oh, please Pm.
Thanks!!


(SORRY OP!!)

Please give us more thoughts on your situation!! I'd love to hear about it.
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  #108  
Old 02-07-2010, 02:39 AM
constlady constlady is offline
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I have 3 grown children (21-28) and custody of 4 grandchildren (3-11) and all know, to the extent of their understanding, how mom/gramma loves.

I am blessed because all of the kids adore R and rosevett and the rest of the extended family.

My kids were a bit hesitant at first and I found out later it was because R wears a ring and they thought he was cheating.
Once that was cleared up, they have been very matter of fact about the whole situation.
My youngest daughter describes it like this: My mom's boyfriend has another girlfriend who has another boyfriend and they all hang out together

The younger kids know everyone as family; the oldest granddaughter caught on very quickly the first time we went to R & rosevett's house for a visit.
I simply said that I know some people think that you should only have one boyfriend or girlfriend at a time but that we didn't feel that way.
We love each other and are happy with the way things are.
She has been fine with it ever since.

I am who I am and I can't imagine trying to hide any part of that from my kids.

They know I'm bi, they know I'm poly and they know I love them fiercely.
They also know they can talk to me about anything and I know that works both ways for us.
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  #109  
Old 03-24-2010, 11:15 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Default Forr those with children..

Just curious about where you tell them you are going on a date or leaving over night. My boyfriend lives out of state so I'm gone from saturday morning before she wakes until mid day sunday. This happens once a month. I tell her I'm going to visit family, but the last time I said this she asked why her and daddy couldn't go. It doesn't sit well with me at all. I'm always honest with her about things she asks. I've never sugar coated anything. Just made sure it was age appropriate. We aren't out yet and she is only 5 and she's not at the "chosen family" stage with him yet. So I'm trying to figure out how to explain my absence that makes sense to her and sits well with me.
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  #110  
Old 03-24-2010, 11:19 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Just tell your child that you're going to visit a friend and that daddy can't come because someone needs to be there for her in the morning.
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