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  #11  
Old 07-29-2013, 04:26 AM
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Anyanka Anyanka is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
How do you get to know people by writing erotic stories?

As to your feelings, you may feel anything you like, and it sounds to me like he wasn't clear that he would be, and was, still in contact with her as a thing between the two of them, rather than as a joint...friend?...toy?...as you were led to believe. That becomes a violation of trust. That's a problem. If there are continued violations of trust, you eventually won't have a very good relationship.
The erotic stories is in between regular emails etc ..

He wasn't at all clear - not at all. So yes, I feel it was a violation as well. If he was here we could possibly work through that but as he isn't .. I just don't think I have it in me to hand him back my trust. It has been such a long road for us, ending his existing relationship, negotiating distance, discussing his want to have other people in the bedroom.

Every single issue from already being in a relationship that he was trying to end, to moving here on his very slow timetable, to having his sexual needs addressed and met, being wary of getting into a new 'relationship', and his deal with not understanding 'love' .. every single one has been his issue and I have stood by him and I have been patient and I have said okay.

But I think this is my line in the sand. As much as I love him and as much as I love what we have (and he is a loving, warm and fun guy) .. without the trust the distance becomes a monster rather than a temporary goblin
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  #12  
Old 07-29-2013, 08:10 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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It is good you have a limit and understand it and have decided that this relationship is not for you.

As much as I (and perhaps other people, I don't know) feel a bit uncomfortable with your couple unit dating mindset, I think it's important to recognise that this relationship was incompatible on that fundamental level and not to dwell on a person not having the same ideals (with regards to this single thing) as some of us do.
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  #13  
Old 07-29-2013, 09:43 AM
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Anyanka Anyanka is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
It is good you have a limit and understand it and have decided that this relationship is not for you.

As much as I (and perhaps other people, I don't know) feel a bit uncomfortable with your couple unit dating mindset, I think it's important to recognise that this relationship was incompatible on that fundamental level and not to dwell on a person not having the same ideals (with regards to this single thing) as some of us do.
Thanks for the response.

It is probably useful for me to hear that others are uncomfortable with my mindset in that it allows me to look critically and understand exactly where my limits are.

The thing is I don't really see myself as being in an either/or mindset, I am open for talking, negotiation and discussion - but trust.respect .. that is fundamental.

He has been trying to contact me in skype but right now, I am not ready to talk .. mainly because I do not know what I would say.

I cannot say how much I appreciate the responses here .. they allow me to reflect and solidify my own reactions and to consider whether I am indeed projecting or whether something has indeed crossed a line that I condsider fundamental ..

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  #14  
Old 07-29-2013, 01:13 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I am sorry it went down the way it did, but I can see where it would be very difficult to navigate different relationship styles, much less a broken trust issue long distance.

We often speak of people being mono or poly, but that said, the truth is the tendencies probably lie along a spectrum. For example mono couples often will have sexual threesomes. Not exactly full blown poly, but hardly steadfast mono either. So I agree, while the concept of full blown poly is foreign to you, you do seem remarkably open to the concept.

I hope you are doing all right.
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  #15  
Old 07-29-2013, 02:00 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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I agree, you're wise to recognize your limits. You're wise to see the pattern here over nine months...always dealing with what he wants, his issues, his desire to change and tweak what you originally agreed to, him doing things behind your back.

You're only nine months in. I don't remember where I read it, but a comment in the last couple months from someone saying when they broke up with a boyfriend, it felt like the end of the world...a year later, it hurt...five years later it was okay...and ten years later she was incredibly grateful to have made that decision.

It may be hard emotionally to contemplate this, but it sounds like you're seeing things clearly. And these things will almost undoubtedly continue. Best to see it now. Good luck.
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  #16  
Old 07-29-2013, 02:03 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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While I'm sorry you now have to deal with "break up ugh" I am glad to hear you decided to end a relationship that wasn't feeding you rather than dragging it out. It wasn't sounding like what you are ultimately seeking and like the return on your investment wasn't up to snuff for you.

You have EVERY right to feel whatever it is you feel. Feelings come and go. They don't have to make sense to you at the time. Like the sense of hearing, seeing, touch, etc? The sense of emotions helps give you feedback about the world around you and let you know when your actions/thoughts are in alignment, help you decide things, and more. Some feelings are yummy to feel, some are yucky to feel -- all of them give you some data about the situation you are in.

So you decided something. Hopefully in time you will start to feel better and come to find that this decision served you well.

Quote:
The thing is I don't really see myself as being in an either/or mindset, I am open for talking, negotiation and discussion - but trust.respect .. that is fundamental.
Yep.

Quote:
He has been trying to contact me in skype but right now, I am not ready to talk .. mainly because I do not know what I would say.
Say nothing. You don't have to be willing to engage in conversation with him right now. Put your own oxygen mask on first and do your own self care post break-up.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-29-2013 at 03:10 PM.
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  #17  
Old 07-29-2013, 02:41 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I am not sure if you have even met your guy in person, have you?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #18  
Old 07-29-2013, 03:39 PM
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Anyanka Anyanka is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I am not sure if you have even met your guy in person, have you?
Yes .. we have met .. I just got back from spending a month with him (well, 3.5 weeks) - well, got back about 5 weeks ago.
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  #19  
Old 07-29-2013, 04:03 PM
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Anyanka Anyanka is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
I am sorry it went down the way it did, but I can see where it would be very difficult to navigate different relationship styles, much less a broken trust issue long distance.

We often speak of people being mono or poly, but that said, the truth is the tendencies probably lie along a spectrum. For example mono couples often will have sexual threesomes. Not exactly full blown poly, but hardly steadfast mono either. So I agree, while the concept of full blown poly is foreign to you, you do seem remarkably open to the concept.

I hope you are doing all right.
Thanks. I am doing okay at the moment but, I think that is just because it doesn't seem quite real as yet ..

I agree that a spectrum is a more useful way of looking at things - well, for me anyhow.

I was open to the idea of exploring that spectrum with him .. but, I guess it is not meant to be
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  #20  
Old 07-29-2013, 04:10 PM
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Anyanka Anyanka is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I agree, you're wise to recognize your limits. You're wise to see the pattern here over nine months...always dealing with what he wants, his issues, his desire to change and tweak what you originally agreed to, him doing things behind your back.

You're only nine months in. I don't remember where I read it, but a comment in the last couple months from someone saying when they broke up with a boyfriend, it felt like the end of the world...a year later, it hurt...five years later it was okay...and ten years later she was incredibly grateful to have made that decision.

It may be hard emotionally to contemplate this, but it sounds like you're seeing things clearly. And these things will almost undoubtedly continue. Best to see it now. Good luck.
I hadn't thought about it as recognising patterns ..lol .. I don't think I am that plugged-in actually ..

It's just a matter of knowing that the distance thing was/is a huge problem for me .. every day was a struggle and he was unable to give me a definite time/date .. add a breach of trust to this already volatile issue (for me) and I just knew I would be a basket case .. not good for him, not good for me.

I am not issue free - but I am almost issue-free .. in fact, I have found that his idea/s on what relationships 'are' and 'aren't' to be more closed than mine - I have problems accepting that anyone is either mono or poly always and for all time .. the spectrum that bookbug talked about makes far more sense to me .. to me (and I am not claiming this to be 'the truth', but rather, my experience/take on things) each relationship should be taken on it's own merits and negotiated along the way .. entering something saying "I will be poly" seems as limiting as saying "I will be mono" .. **

(NB: I am talking in generalities here - my guy has never said these things/expressed these ideas per se .. he HAS said that he will/want to be able to have sex with other women and I indicated that I am fine with that - but, as stated, we have only discussed and agreed about this as being something we do together - so far anyway.)

**said with no offence meant to anybody .. I just struggle with having all of these predefined ideas before something has even had a chance to breathe and unfold ..


**** Obviously where there are already existing relationships in place that is an entirely different animal

******* please don't hate me

Last edited by Anyanka; 07-29-2013 at 04:46 PM.
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