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  #21  
Old 07-29-2013, 02:17 AM
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Default Weekend Update, sans Seth Meyers

Aah... downtime. Time for a glass of wine, some crappy TV, and teh intarwebz.

Thursday was "attack the cellar" day. I left work early and spent the afternoon sorting and tossing. I have about 6-7 of those big Husky trash bags out by the garage. Some of the boxes and bins seem to be okay, and then I have a couple boxes of things that are definitely NOT okay parked in front of the dehumidifiers to see what I can save - my college diploma, pictures of my kids when they were little, some school papers that I wanted to keep (a handful of things out of the bags that I had initially kept). Had a bit of an emotional meltdown to find some things that were my grandfathers had been damaged beyond repair. Overall, though, things could have been worse.

P came home that night and dragged in the second dehumidifier. Traffic was ass, so his mood was pretty awful, and my mood from being in Mold City was pretty craptacular as well, so I walked on eggshells for a while until we got our momentum going on the cellar. Lots of talking after we wrapped the night up about how I felt, and how I was overwhelmed while he'd been through much worse and didn't see this from my perspective. We were up until about 1am, but the reconnecting was well worth it.

Friday, I'll have a separate post for - I want to give a little bit of backstory, and don't want to overrun this post with it all, but the one-sentence summary: M1 and I went antiquing, and for the first time, P, M1, and I spent the night together (pajama party, no funneh bizness). It went well. Oh, and I came out of it with an appreciation for good whiskey, which surprised the hell out of me.

Saturday, I picked up the kids, and we went down to RI for a friend's 40th birthday party. Today? Birthday party for mom up north. Lots of time in the car, but definitely worth it, especially the family time. Mom's beginning to lose her hair from the chemo, but she's in good spirits and seems to be doing really well. My dad's parents are still with us, and are still a hoot, and it was nice to see them today as well.

But damn... after the lack of sleep Friday night, the three hours in the car Saturday, and the four hours in the car today, I think I need a nice, quiet weekend. Guess I'll sleep at work.

Anyway, I'll post a followup about Friday night a bit later. My attention span is fading, so I think anything I type up tonight will sound like a sloth on quaaludes wrote it. Hope everyone had a nice weekend!

Last edited by YouAreHere; 07-29-2013 at 01:54 PM. Reason: Removed the oh-so-witty analogy I already made on page 2. D'oh.
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Old 07-29-2013, 08:38 PM
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Oh yeah... meeting M2 for the first time tonight, with P, over Mexican food. Should be a good meeting, I think. From what P's said about her, and what I've seen on FB, she seems pretty likeable.

The Armageddon-like rain is a nice touch.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #23  
Old 07-31-2013, 01:25 AM
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Well, my lawnmower won't start. I'm waiting for P to get home so we can have dinner (Reubens! Yum!), and then go work on our cars (oil changes) and try to get the mower started and the "north forty" cut.

In the meantime, let's see if I can fill in some of the stuff I haven't been able to get to.

<announcer> When last we saw YouAreHere, she was looking forward to meeting M2 for dinner. Let's see how that meeting went. </announcer>

We picked a local Mexican place for the meeting - their food is amazing, and the lounge is a good place for sitting around and shooting the shit without feeling the waitstaff hover over you so they can turn the table. P and I met up a bit early and waited for M2. The upside to being early? A margarita to help the conversation go a bit easier. The downside? Too many warm, tasty, really crispy, fresh, slightly oily but not yucky-oily, salty chips with freshly-made salsa… mmmmmmmmmm…

Oh.

Yeah, where was I?

So we waited for M2. P got the text that she was parking, and suddenly what felt like a slight excitement turned into my heart jumping out of my chest, into my mouth, and refusing to leave. My nerve-o-meter went from a 4 to about a 12 instantly, and I really, really wanted to suck down the beer the waitress had just put next to me. I refrained. And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Okay, the parking lot wasn't that big. Nerves gave way to confusion as I wondered if she went to the wrong town…

But no. Siri directed her to the wrong spot, so it took a bit longer for her to arrive. The nerves had already set in, though, and I was firmly in "OMGOMGOMGOMG" territory, even though I couldn't put my finger on why, exactly.

Luckily, when she arrived, she didn't bother with the "I'm here" text, and just walked in. I had no time to really "OMGOMGOMG" myself into a tizzy, and she walked in, we hugged, and started off the night.

Conversation-wise, it really didn't go too much deeper than small talk, although we swapped some fun stories (traffic is always good for the "Oh yeah, I almost died when…" conversations). She and I have friended each other on FB, and we've seen each others home renovation pictures, and we talked about that.

When I'm nervous - really nervous - I tend to REALLY get chatty. Awkward silences toss me for a loop, and I like to keep the conversation moving. I noticed my "tells" as I got a bit louder, talked faster, and didn't let the silences hang for too long. Not much I could do about it, but I recognized it, and figured I probably looked a bit frazzled (I was told later that I didn't, but at the time I felt like I was really telegraphing it).

We ended the night with a trip to the ladies' room, natch, and on our way back, I mentioned that it was nice to finally meet her, and hey, sorry for the awkward "eeeeeh" feeling. She admitted to feeling it too, we shared a laugh, and the night ended. P walked her to her car, then walked back to mine.

And while I was waiting in my car, the emotional crash came. Completely unexpectedly.

As P walked over to my car, I just felt the overwhelming emotional bubble pop, and I started to tear up. No idea why. We talked a bit, decided we should probably head home where we could break out the hookah, sit on the couch, and talk much more comfortably, and we drove off.

Cutting to the chase, after a lot of talking, I think I finally settled on it being a combination of "meeting the new person" (which wouldn't have been so bad on its own), along with the fact that it's been a Vee relationship for a while now. I've gotten used to that, and actually fairly comfortable with that. And now, we've taken a left, and here's this whole new world that P is a part of. When I don't feel like I quite fit into that world (except through P), it's intimidating as hell. Here's Mono Chick, wandering through Poly Land.

It's funny, too, because in the beginning, it seemed like the original Vee was SOOOOOOOO much to handle. There are still hurdles, but for the most part, it's comfortable now. M1 and I are getting along pretty well, and spending time together as friends, and the routine has gotten… well… routine!

This is new. Not only a new GF, but one who is married to someone M1 is now starting to date. Someone who is part of the local Boston-area "Poly Community". Suddenly that Vee has grown into something else, and yeah, it really does feel intimidating to me.

As an aside, that's why I come here - because it's my own personal foot in a poly community, without P. And I appreciate the fact that I'm not treated as "Ew, who invited the Mono chick."

P wants me to be a part of his life, however. And I want to be part of his. So "fitting in" be damned (Hell, it never stopped me before). Here I go.

More later… P's home now. And the damned mower started right up when Mister Broad Shoulders pulled the starter. Guess I'd better start strength training. D'oh.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 07-31-2013 at 11:02 AM. Reason: Gotta love when you think you've posted, and you're sitting there on the "Preview" page. Derp.
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Old 08-06-2013, 05:47 PM
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Quick update, since a lot has gone on, with no time to tell any of it:

- Allergic to SOMETHING that is putting me in a fog. Ugh.
- Mom is in the hospital after chemo treatment #2. Sister drama isn't helping. Planning to go check in on mom this coming weekend.
- Daughter #2 had a rough night after a fun weekend (thinking it's the "coming down" and realizing it was time to head back to dad's) where she asked me why her dad and I divorced, and crying about missing how things used to be. Ugh. I had my thumb firmly on my own "guilt" button last night.
- P was going through his own issues missing M1 (who was away visiting her own mom), but was a godsend last night as I couldn't get my thumb off that guilt button.
- Cellar mold is getting cleaned up as I can get around to it (finding the time hasn't been easy). Diploma, school papers and picture are in good shape after drying out for a while. Yay that.

Okay, more later when I can actually take some time to type. Time to STFU and GBTW.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #25  
Old 08-10-2013, 01:25 PM
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Default ...but I've never been to me...

Well, it's been an interesting few days.
I'm still grousing over not having enough time to work around the house (I still need to finish the final cleanup of the basement, the yard looks unfinished at best, etc.), I'm working on getting my finances in check (realizing that I can't be as oblivious about money as I was when married), and I make plans that impact both - a day at the local amusement park with friends, and a night out for dinner with another friend. Still, I don't regret either - I don't get enough one-on-one time with the friend I had dinner with, and I haven't seen my other friend and her family in a long time. It was nice to get the kids together and go on the spin-and-puke rides.

I'm still working on realizing that I can do things without the shadow of my ex-husband's disapproval hanging over every decision I make. Drive 1.5 hours for dinner with a friend? I don't have anyone telling me it's selfish of them to expect me to drive, it's stupid of me, I'm selfish for taking the time away from the kids, yadda yadda. Except, I'm still very good at recreating that shadow for myself. Classical conditioning in action.

Now, P's different - he doesn't really give a shit (as long as it's not truly harmful or doesn't really impact something down the road). No judgment. No derision. No condescending attitude that I need guidance or direction or would screw things up if left on my own.

Even so, it's interesting to see when I fall into old patterns.

The night I went out for dinner, I'd vented to P that I really didn't feel like going out (this is, of course, before I went and had a fabulous time). That I've been slacking on the house and I really feel like I should just buckle down and do more. He asked where I was meeting her. I said, "<vague non-answer that sounded like something in the middle but really wasn't.>"

Now, this is where the needle needs to scratch along the record. Why the hell did I feel the need to minimize my own choices when it came to something stupid like where I was meeting my friend for dinner? Why minimize my own choice, rather than just owning it and saying, "Yep, I'm meeting her there, even though I was whining about the house. My choice. My own fault if I can't get to the work that needs to get done." Why, now that I'm no longer trying to avoid my ex-husband's disapproval, do I still fall back into classic avoidance behavior? Why do I not allow P to show me that he's not my ex? Why do I instead assume in my head that I'm going to get flak, accept that, and dance around the issue?

Ugh. I hate realizing how much of my responses are conditioned.

Of course, I don't think about ANY of this until the shit hits the fan. It's an automatic response. I minimize and avoid, P moves on, I head out for dinner, all is well. Until I'm on my way home, get a phone call, and hear, "You're not home YET?"

I won't go into detail, but it turned into a hell of a shitstorm. P felt that I'd lied to him, where he didn't deserve that at all… that he's never asked me to be anything other than myself, he's never judged me negatively, he's never tried to control me, and here I am mentally putting him in the same bucket as my ex. He was hurt, and wondered on what other occasions I'd done the same (I thought of one - where I had spent a large sum of money on dental work for my cat and felt stupid for doing so. He asked how much it was, and I sort of gave another vague non-answer).

And he's right. He didn't deserve that. Like I said above, I'm not even giving him a chance to NOT judge me. I'm mentally reacting to the SITUATION in the same way, regardless of the person. And if I keep doing that, it's insidious enough to become second nature. I would have pigeonholed him into the same role my ex played, and I would have shortchanged myself by being too afraid to own my own shit (at least until confronted). It puts me in the situation of HAVING to defend my choices every time, since once they're found out, it DOES become a shitstorm.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

At any rate, short of the long, a LOT of introspection to realize that on my end, plus a LOT of hurt feelings and talking and reassurance on both sides, and we both came out of this feeling pretty good about it. I've asked him to outright ASK me if I'm pulling this crap when his bullshit detector goes off.

Whenever that old "What benefits do you get from being in a poly relationship" question pops up, I used to be really reluctant to find an answer. Poly itself doesn't really give me a hell of a lot. I'm not Poly. I used to reframe the question as, "What do I get out of a relationship with my partner," which has a pretty long list of stuff in the "pro" column.

However, I do have a damn good answer now: introspection. Being in this relationship has driven me to dig deep into things that I never would have given a second thought to in the past. Why do I minimize? Because I don't want to deal with his shit. Well, WHY? What's behind it? What am I losing if I keep doing this? What's wrong with owning your own shit and letting your husband get ticked off and react to it?

If I'd asked myself those questions when married, I wonder how it would have gone.

I have learned a LOT about myself in the last couple years, due to the need to dig and dig and dig to get to the root of my issues and behaviors, and I find that I'm still learning. P says that if I ever do end up in another relationship, with the changes in introspection and communication, I'll be every mono guy's nightmare. I think he's onto something. And if nothing else, I find myself a fascinating test subject.

ANYhoo… Today, my oldest daughter is "canning" to raise money for her dance studio's trip to NYC (learning a number from some members of the "Newsies" cast), and then we're packing everyone up to go visit mom in the hospital. The chemo really hit her hard last weekend, and she's only started to really perk up over the last couple days. She's asked me to stop by her place and pick up her dog so he can come in and visit her. THAT should be interesting.

She's filled out Living Will paperwork and wants to give me a copy. It's not hitting me like a big "OMG" right now, since I know it's a "just in case" maneuver, but still. And it makes me realize that I still need to get my ass in gear, see a lawyer, and get a will (and power of attorney) written up for ME, now that I no longer have a husband for that to all automatically fall to. Add that to the list.

In other, relationshippy news, I sent off a message to M2 basically stating that it was nice to meet her, sorry for the "eeeeeeeeh" squirrelly feeling, that I'm still navigating the "OMG NEW STUFF AAA!" road in all this, and it's not her, and that I would like to do the dinner or coffee thing again sometime. Haven't heard back, although I know she's been away for school stuff. I'm not really hanging on a reply, although I'm hoping I didn't come across as emotionally unstable or something. But that's just me and my tendency to overthink things.

Anyway, I hope everyone here has a nice weekend! Cheers!
(And yeah, I know I still haven't posted re. the sleepover... I'll get there, I promise!)
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #26  
Old 08-13-2013, 02:32 AM
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Today's observations:

- If I hoovered my dinner, intimidated my sister into giving me hers, then turned around to hork it all up on the floor, I'd be diagnosed with at least a couple disorders. For my cat, this is an average Monday.

- My house can go from "Clean" to "Hoarders" in a day.

- I know very little about mold removal. Today has ended with a call to my homeowner's insurance agent, with a potential call to Servpro in my future.

Sigh.

Anyway... I think I owe a post about the first "sleepover" with M1, P, and myself sharing a bed (well, air mattress).

A little backstory:

In the beginning of my relationship with P, I thought I was "just fine" with everything. Intellectually, I got Polyamory, even if it wasn't my own path. I was friends with M1. We all got along, and all was sunny and right in the world. Those little nagging emotions? I shouldn't be feeling those. I'm GREAT!

Except, not. I had been a pro at burying my emotions for a long time. Hell, my dad died when I was 17, and I bottled it all up and went back to school like nothing happened (until it all came out during my first drunken party - oops). It sucks when you don't know you're lying to your partner and metamour about what you're feeling, because you don't know that you're lying to yourself.

At some point, there was talk of us all going to the local Highland Games and camping out for a weekend. P was excited when I agreed, and there was talk of a threesome. M1 was looking forward to it, P was looking forward to it, and I THOUGHT I was looking forward to it.

Well, no.

It wasn't just the camping trip/threesome, but other things that ended up taking those buried emotions, pressurizing them, and being helpless to avoid the eruption of Vesuvius as P and M1 got stuck in Pompeii.

I ended up out of the picture for a while, and when I came back, I still needed to reevaluate what my OWN emotions were, where I fit in, how I felt about everything - honestly. I ended up harboring a lot of resentment against M1, and that took a while to recover from.

Meanwhile, P and M1 went to the Highland Games and had a great time. I was torn between being pissed at myself for "ruining" it all, and relieved that I wasn't trying to go through with something I didn't really think I could do.


Fast forward to this summer.
Some talk of the Highland Games again. P wants us both to go with him, and after some initial emotional ups-and-downs on my part, I agreed (I thought this was a special thing between him and M1 by this point, and I really didn't want to feel like a third wheel... after some conversation, though, it seems to not be the case).

This time, we all had a bit more experience under our belts. Camping, one tent, one air mattress, but jammies and no threesome nookie.
With a caveat.

That we have a trial run, in a "safe place" so I could go somewhere if I couldn't handle it (rather than having to sleep in the car).

So the sleepover was just that - the trial run.

More backstory:
M1 and I had gone through a bit of stress of our own over the past few months... She wanted us to be close, like in a BFF or sisterly type of way, and while I like her, I really didn't feel a "click" like that. We're pretty different people in general, and it didn't help that we both have different ideas of what a "close friend" is, and she felt our relationship was more intimate (as in, baring your soul) than I did.

It was a fairly long road, where she felt frustrated with the push/pull of my emotions (I really didn't want to be chatty or close at times, especially when I was having an issue with P's availability or something like that - this was still in the "Growing Pains" phase, somewhat), and I felt like I was getting steered into a close friendship, rather than just letting it happen naturally. Or not.

We finally agreed that we'd let our friendship be what it'll be. No timetables to be something "more" than what we are. No "well, we spent time together on Friday, so are we closer yet?"

It was about a couple months after that talk, where I thought that it would be fun to go antiquing with M1, and I asked her to go that day.

So, it was a fun day of antiquing that felt GREAT with no pressure to BE some kind of BFF that I'm not, but just to be whatever the hell we ARE. That day, it was two friends who like little kitchy shops.

P came home from an asstacular commute, and we went to the liquor store, where we got a larnin' on whiskey (the more aged, the more flavor). I'd always thought whiskey was supposed to taste like turpentine. Apparently, the better stuff tastes like turpentine and other oaky flavors. I actually liked it. Go figure.

Slumber party continued with a viewing of The Kentucky Fried Movie (one of my faves), and then bedtime.

And it went swimmingly.
All the angst from the previous year just didn't exist. Kisses goodnight from P to me, and from P to M1, various cuddles, but really just SLEEP. The worst part of the night was the reviled "air mattress taco" that destroyed my shoulder as the sun came up.

So we now have plans to go camping. And I really AM looking forward to it this time. And we plan to get a better air mattress.

TL;DR: Sleepover was cool. Next one will involve tents and men in kilts. Yowza.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #27  
Old 08-23-2013, 03:09 PM
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Default Well, Fuck.

Nothing like feeling things are going along smoothly and then realizing that you don't have it as together as you'd like to believe, and that maybe you're full of shit.

Okay, maybe not completely full of shit, but UGH.



When P and M1 were moving, I asked them if maybe they could look for a 3BR apt (2nd BR was going to be for P's daughter). I was feeling pretty excluded from P's life down that way (his family and our mutual friends from HS are all down there), was feeling envious that M1 seemed to get to do everything with everyone down there (I had those moments where I felt, "Everyone thinks that THEY'RE the main couple and I'm just the sidechick") and I couldn't, due to my distance. I just felt left out.

I made it clear (or so I thought) that this wasn't going to be able to be a "home" for me (P does the "split home" thing pretty well - wherever he is is home... me, I need roots and a cocoon of my own, so my home is MY HOME). I was hoping it could be my space with P in THEIR home, but not one that I would use all that often unless something came up. I wouldn't go out of my way to stay there, in other words.

I guess P was looking for a bit more than that, though… his commute is asstacular, and he was looking to maybe share the load with me a bit, to come down more often so he could ease up on his gas bill and not get stuck on the occasional 3-hour commute if the perfect storm of construction, accidents, and stupid people brewed up.

I didn't quite realize that at the time.

Anyway... They found a nice 3BR, and I was happy that P and I could make plans down that way and not have to factor in a 1.5-hour drive each way.


Last week, P asked me to come down so we could have our semi-regular "powwow" down there. P would spend the night with me in the new BR (it was one of my nights with P), and then I'd go to work the next morning. It went okay, but the commute sucked, I got there at about 9pm (2 hours later than P usually gets home to me, because I have nobody else to feed the cats and take out the trash), and had to leave no later than 5:30am (another hour earlier than P usually has to leave when he's home with me, since, again… home first, for the cats, THEN to work). To top it all off, it was "group" time (me, P, and M1), and I was jonesing for alone time with P.

Anyway, it went well enough after I got there and pounded a glass of wine to get rid of the bad taste of the commute. The powwow actually went pretty quickly, P and I retreated to the bedroom for alone time, we woke up, had coffee and breakfast together, and then I left.

So… we had an event planned last night that P and I were going to attend, and it was going to be another "sleep in the new place" night. Except, the event didn't work out, so now what to do?

I suggested staying north. We haven't worked on the basement/garage/tractor nearly as much as we've wanted to, and honestly, I had just been there a week prior and wasn't looking forward to replacing one of our nights with a night that had less time for us, and the potential of it not being alone time. I didn't want to go.

P wanted the place to feel like it had more "us" in it. He wants to make memories there. He wants me to just be there once in a while. Distancing myself from the place was upsetting him. So, okay. He needs more "us" in the place, and I want to give him what he needs/wants (he doesn't ask for a hell of a lot, and he'll give until he can't give any more), so yes, I'll happily go for that reason.

And I went. We talked and hashed this all out (at times, quite animatedly), went out for gaggers (two all the way) and a coffee (cawfee) milk (link for the non-Rhode Islanders) and it went well. We got home, smoked some hookah and chitchatted a while. M1 wasn't due home until 11-something, so I figured we'd have plenty of time, and then I'd be tired anyway and start getting ready for bed while they caught up.

Except M1 left earlier than I expected.
And I started getting antsy.
(Note: this is where the self-fulfilling prophecy begins)
Oh, and I will begrudgingly admit that I am hormonal, because I KNOW this impacted my reaction (grumble, grumble, hate admitting that…).

M1 was getting home early, and my mental preparations went to shit. P went online looking for some hookah tobacco, and after a minute or so of that, I went, "We don't have much alone time left, can we not spend it online?"

He looked at me and went, "Clock's ticking?"

And I went, "YES!" and abso-fricken-lutely lost it.
Ugh. WTF.

So apparently, the "having less time" isn't as big a deal as "not wanting to give up my alone time" with P.

Having a separation between relationships has always been a necessity for me. Not in a DADT sort of way, but more in a "not interested in a poly pod" sort of way. I need my relationship with P to be ours. I don't want to find myself in the middle of his other relationships, and I don't want anyone in the middle of ours.

Sigh.
Yeah, I'm Mono. Can you tell? I guess this is as good as the compromise gets.

When we plan to all get together, it's fine. I'm good with the powwows, the family stuff, all that. But those nights that are ours are precious to me, and they're not always just the two of us. My kids spend the weekends here with me, so "alone time" on the weekends is relative. I get a couple days a week, average, of alone time with P. I need that.

Driving south? The commute sucks, but so what.
Shaving off time? Sucks worse, but is evidently doable.
Going south and anticipating it being the three of us and not the two of us, when it normally would be?

Sucks. Ass.

And it sucks more because I LIKE M1. I don't want to grab P, scurry off to the bedroom, and make her feel like a leper in her own home.

Ugh.
So.
I feel like an abject failure. I wanted to be able to give P what he wants but I feel like I fucked it up majorly.
I asked P this morning after an emotional night how often he wanted to do this - I wanted to keep trying and get better with the whole thing. He said "events and powwows."

Basically, what I'd asked for from the beginning.
Basically, he gave up asking for what he wanted.

He said we'd find some other way to get more of "us" in the apartment, that he's sorry for how much it hurts, and he doesn't want to put us through the anxiety of worrying about when things are going to end, when we should just be enjoying what we have.

In my HEAD (oh, thank you, rational, Spock-like brain), I know that events and powwows are frequent enough, but not overwhelmingly so, and that's probably going to be the BEST way to start getting comfortable with this, to ease into it without getting dropped into a scenario I have a hard time handling, which is what I hoped for initially.

But in my heart, I'm feeling like a failure and that it's not worth working on (to him) - when I know that's really not what he means. I just absolutely hate disappointing P and myself.

So.
I needed to vent. To get this out, wallow in my misery for a bit, and then get over it. What's done is done, and we will make do with reality and work from there.

As for bringing more "us" into the apartment, I have some leftover paint from when we painted the BR here. It may be too raw to bring it up now, but I'll suggest it at some point, along with getting some pictures up on the wall, and my leaving some stuff there. I don't want to give up on giving him what he wants. I suppose we just need to rewicker how we're going to make this work.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #28  
Old 08-23-2013, 11:03 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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A little yard work is good for the soul...

And the yard, I suppose. The "yard tarp" (with all sorts of sticks and junk on it) is gone, leaving behind a square that needed more grass seed, and a big pile of kindling near the fire pit. The young mulberry I almost cut down early in the spring, thinking it was a weed (ooooops! ) needed some pruning, and looks fairly decent now. And the brain got to detach.

Hanging out on the deck now with the laptop and a glass of Riesling (that's got some good legs for a Riesling!), waiting for the kids to arrive.

Obviously, I'm treating "alone time with P" as if it's scarce. I've been fine up until now. What gives?

Yes, most of the powwows and "shared time" days are on my nights with P. It hasn't hit me like this before. The only thought I have at the moment is that the "coming down south more often" was open-ended, and I didn't know how much it would impact our alone time.

I'm a planner. I dislike stuff that isn't quantifiable, and tend to get dragged down into what COULD be when I don't have a firm what IS. I'm a software engineer, so that's what I am. Ain't no changing that, no matter how much self-introspection I do. Although maybe I should dork around with Perl some more, since I'm out of practice, and code myself into a headache that will shut out everything else...

Eh, no.

I think events and powwows are fine because they're planned. This open-ended stuff kills me. Obviously. I needed the schedule with P when M1 and I first got settled into our new routine because I was freaking out without one. This feels similar.

Anyway, I sent an email to M1 explaining what I felt earlier (before deducing all this), and she and P are being extremely supportive. I can't ask for better people to be going down this road with.

So, yes, feeling better, got some sort of theory I may be able to work with, and the kids will be here soon. We have an outing planned at the local amusement park tomorrow, and it'll be a busy day.

Have a great weekend, kids... no eating paste, you hear?
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #29  
Old 08-29-2013, 12:55 PM
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Chatted more about the whole situation the other night... it ended up way more emotional than I expected, with P evidently getting frustrated that I didn't pick up on his meaning behind certain turns of phrases. I *think* we're okay now, although the three of us will be chatting about this at the next powwow...

What I learned the other night:

When P mentioned wanting us to have space (in the extra bedroom), it wasn't an "extra bedroom" to him - it was OUR SPACE in the house, so he didn't understand why I wouldn't want to "hole up in the bedroom". I found it rude and exclusionary to grab P and run off upstairs in the home he shares with M1 (even though it's "our night"). He didn't understand why we wouldn't spend time in our space and felt rejected when I didn't want to.

Sometimes we can talk, talk, and talk again, and just miss each other's point completely.

So, in his mind, we weren't giving up alone time at all - he was fully expecting us to go up to our space and be alone. I never got that.

Anyway, I'm still suggesting that the next powwow happen on a day that isn't ours, and I'll spend time down there again. I find myself getting into "comparative mode" again, thinking that she gets all this extra time with him when we have the powwows and shared time on "my" days, when I lose out on the alone time. Her gain at my expense. And really, I just need to ask that we even things up a bit now that I've realized I was on the hairy edge of feeling that pinch for a long time.

So I asked. We'll see what comes of it. I've made it clear that because it's not "my" night, there are no expectations of alone time or anything of that sort. I'll be happy to have the "extra" time with him. Especially so, since I haven't been able to drive down and have lunch with him on my off-Fridays for the past couple months. Tomorrow? A field trip with my daughter. It'll be another two weeks before having the chance for that again. So any extra time is a godsend.

They're concerned that I'll have a hard time sleeping alone in that bedroom. I'm not anxious about that at all. When I'm anxious about something I know it (I telegraphed that time thing for a LONG time, and felt pretty uncomfortable with the whole idea of going down there). That just doesn't faze me. I'll bring my kindle if I need something to do with myself.

Onward and upward. Digging through the smelly stuff is hard and uncomfortable, but we most definitely feel better and stronger afterward.

As for the house? More progress on the yard (side yard project may actually be completed this season - wow!), the cellar bulkhead has been patched up enough with some fancy flashing work by P, and now it no longer leaks (wahoo!), so now with the source of the water problem taken care of, it's time to finish clearing things out and get one massive attack going on the mold, rather than doing it in little fits and starts (which isn't working).

Oh, and I found a woodstove on CL in the next town over for $100. Looking forward to reducing my oil bill this winter. <Insert "driving the bus" dance here>

And I had to look up "Twerking" this morning. Just a new name for booty shakin', apparently. Kids these days...
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #30  
Old 08-29-2013, 02:00 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Funny, I'd been puzzled by "twerking" recently too :-)

Somehow sounds of the word connotes spastic to me, not an image I want to associate with dancing!
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