Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #581  
Old 07-27-2013, 05:38 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 889
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Sounds like Matt is filling her empty space twice a day.
And enjoying every bit of it. Seriously, the physical intimacy is just part of it. If I was going to base my decisions off of that alone, this decision would have been made the second I realised I desired him more than her.
Reply With Quote
  #582  
Old 07-27-2013, 07:22 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,859
Default

I guess it is good to double-check yourself about poly now and then, just to be sure. But considering you already do that, it looks like polyamory is something you tried and found out it wasn't the thing for you. Nothing wrong with that. Experience is a good teacher.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #583  
Old 07-27-2013, 08:39 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 889
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I guess it is good to double-check yourself about poly now and then, just to be sure. But considering you already do that, it looks like polyamory is something you tried and found out it wasn't the thing for you. Nothing wrong with that. Experience is a good teacher.
You could be right. I believe poly works for a lifetime for some and seasons for others. Right now, it just does not fit in to the shape of my life. There is no escaping that. I am of the belief that acting according to the relationship and structure of one's life is essential. University years, dating, engagement, first half of our marriage, post-graduation, pre-babies, etc...it worked. I did not have all of the responsibilities that I do now. The present: small children, 11 year marriage, wanting different things out of life than even say 5 years ago, overall maturation, nesting (DH), etc...not so much. I do not regret establishing a career, having children, or anything else. It just means that my priorities have shifted, and there are more important people (my children) who need my time and attention more than an add'l romantic interest ever could. Thus, I am probably not cut out for poly any more, if I only have time for one romantic relationship.

Obviously our relationship and lives have changed over the years. I cannot say I personally outgrew poly, but my marriage and the structure of our lives did. Admittedly, as I have gotten older, I have wanted different things out of life. DH is the same. It is like our younger years. Doing the things we did during our teen years and university years, no longer fit in to adulthood and parenthood. We cannot stay out all night getting wasted knowing we have two children at home. We cannot jet off to Ibiza for an impromptu holiday and party with 21 year olds. We cannot go spend a the month of December travelling around Europe. We have children and careers. Like the pieces of a puzzle, where we are in life and that type of lifestyle would not fit now.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 07-27-2013 at 08:42 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #584  
Old 07-28-2013, 03:22 AM
Ambyer's Avatar
Ambyer Ambyer is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 29
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
You could be right. I believe poly works for a lifetime for some and seasons for others.
I think you may be more right than you realize. In the early stages of our relationship (mine and husbands) we were mono and we both said no way to anything else. We felt it would be cheating and that would be grounds for divorce.

Fast forward 20 years, and after raising 3 wonderful children, our priorities have changed and we feel we have more love to offer. We have more time on our hands as well seeing now that the children have grown.

Life is all about reassessing the situation as time goes on and seeing what works and what doesn't.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #585  
Old 07-28-2013, 03:51 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 889
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ambyer View Post
I think you may be more right than you realize. In the early stages of our relationship (mine and husbands) we were mono and we both said no way to anything else. We felt it would be cheating and that would be grounds for divorce.

Fast forward 20 years, and after raising 3 wonderful children, our priorities have changed and we feel we have more love to offer. We have more time on our hands as well seeing now that the children have grown.

Life is all about reassessing the situation as time goes on and seeing what works and what doesn't.
I absolutely agree. It is not my season right now, and it took me all this time to realise it. I kept trying to make it work when circumstances meant that it had to be another way. Once my children are older, out of the house, or less dependent on me/us, a reassessment may be done. Right now, they need me around. My youngest child just turned one, so I have a ways to go until they are out of the house. My oldest has specifically asked for more family time, which lets me know it was lacking enough for her to miss it and ask for it. If I take on another relationship, somebody's time is going to get cut. If I am gone for an overnight, on a date, or whatever, that is time taken away from my children and my husband. It is hard to have family time without all the people in the family.

As they grow up, our priorities will change, and at that point, I may look at this side of my life again. They say there is a time and place for everything. Well, this is not the time or place in my life. I will put a place holder in the spot for future reference and leave it be.
Reply With Quote
  #586  
Old 07-28-2013, 07:19 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,859
Default

Sounds like a good plan to me.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #587  
Old 08-01-2013, 03:13 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 889
Default

DH and my ex had it out last night. March has nothing on what happened last night. She was out of line because she approached and confronted him in a public place. We were out with our friends, and she dropped in unexpectedly. He was calm and ignoring her until she pushed him too far and asked why he was blocking her from seeing "her" children? The look he gave me was, "Did she really just ask me that?" I told him to just let it go because she knew she was pushing triggers. He asked her, "Excuse me? What did you say?" She repeated it but in his face. He chuckled and shook his head. He told her that they were never her children and never will be. He also told her that they were none of her business, and the last time he checked [insert his full name here] and [my full name here] were the only parents of [duckie #1's full name] and [duckie #2's full name] listed on the birth certificates. He told her that real parents do not choose when to be parents because it is a lifetime job and that he never asked her to be anything for our children. She brought up when he left for a couple of weeks. He was looking her in her eyes when he stated, "I knew more of about was going on with them 14k km away than makeshift mummy did 4 km away from them. Never question my parenting." To throw salt in that sliced open wound, he informed her that our daughter has made it clear that she does not want to see her or be around her. It did not stop there. Every hurt he has felt over the past five years came out and his true feelings about her were revealed. Someone said rip the scab off? It was ripped off. My best friend's DH was able to convince him to walk away to help calm him down.

In 14 years of knowing him, I have never seen him that mad. DH does not have a temper. He is not volatile or violent. He rarely raises his voice. He is really laid back and easygoing. He is passionate but always calm. That side of him was not present last night, and I knew for sure that she had set off a volcano inside of him. There was no stopping him once he started ripping her a new arsehole.

My best friend and I were left to deal with her. I was disappointed and disgusted by her behaviour, so my words were limited. If I had doubts about severing ties with her, last night confirmed why I made the right decision. I honestly have nothing to say to her. If she wanted to get my attention, she got it, but for all the wrong reasons because I watched her disrespect herself and my husband. We have no future, and if she was really my friend, she would have never done anything to embarrass me or intentionally hurt someone I love.

I refuse to let this ruin my birthday weekend. The only person I can control is myself. I am in a cheery disposition, and nothing is going to ruin it. We have a counselling appointment in a few hours, and we can discuss what happened then. Other than this snafu, birthday celebrations are in full effect in about 11 hours, and I am spending the entire weekend with my loved ones.

Moving on, moving forward, and officially disengaging from 12 years with my ex. This blog served its purpose, but I am sure no one wants to read about this next chapter of my life and my new normal. That being said, I will not be updating this blog much, if at all, but I will be on the forum from time to time.
Reply With Quote
  #588  
Old 08-01-2013, 03:46 AM
Ambyer's Avatar
Ambyer Ambyer is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 29
Smile

I'm sorry for what you had to go through. I'm sorry for you, and for your DH. Hubby should have never been pushed as he was. I'm sorry for you in that I'm sure the realization of her nature has to hurt.
But saying that, I'm quite proud of how you handled yourself. You showed true maturity there. You should be proud as well.
Oh and by the way Happy Birthday
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #589  
Old 08-01-2013, 08:16 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,427
Default

Ouch.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #590  
Old 08-01-2013, 08:39 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,859
Default

Ry, as far as I'm concerned, you're always welcome here. I understand your decision to take a few steps back. As for the confrontation between Matt and Si, wow, that was a bad one, I don't know what Si was thinking. That it was over anyway and so she would go out with a bang? In any case, it's a shame she did that.

I wish you, Matt, and the kids the very best, as always.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:12 PM.