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Old 07-26-2013, 05:12 AM
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UnitedForNow UnitedForNow is offline
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Smile polywog here

Hello

I am so excited to have found this place.

I am a 54 year old bi-female (primary) in a 8 year relationship with a 54 year old straight male and we are now both in a relationship with a 43 year old bi-female (she would be secondary). From what I've been reading here, we are polywogs

We are all new to this lifestyle and very interested in making good choices and avoiding mistakes. Which is why I am here, to learn...

It was my idea to open our relationship to include another female, and so far we are in the new relationship energy phase, all of us enjoying discovering each other. I really like her a lot and I enjoy our time when all three of us are together. I had no issues what so ever sharing intimacy with all of us together. It was one of the most special moments of my life and something I want more of.

Yet as much as I want this, my life patterns were monogamous and some of my thinking still leans that way. I recently had my very first episode where some fears creeped in, so I reached out to my primary partner asking for some reassurance because I was feeling a little insecure. His response wasn't what I was looking for, since he didn't understand how I could be feeling insecure when it was my idea in the first place to bring her in and I ardently pursued her, thus in his mind I had no justifiable reason to feel insecure. I then made a small comment to our secondary partner that I was feeling insecure without going into details (especially after how my primary partner had reacted) and she opened up and wanted to know more. I regretted saying anything to her and didn't feel comfortable enough to reveal my fears, since we are still very new and I didn't want to scare her away with my fears - so I sort of diminished my expression of them to her. I wasn't fully and completely honest.

She was smart enough to pick up on my small clues and let me know that she would back out if she ever believed that her presence was causing my primary and I problems. That's the thing though, I don't want her to go away...

I've read that complete honesty is necessary if a poly relationship is going to work - yet does that mean that I should be open and honest about my fears and insecurities to both of them? One or the other?

Or, is it my job to work through my fears and insecurities on my own, without burdening my partners with them?

Your wisdom would be much appreciated.
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Me ~ 48 bi-sexual female
Primary partner ~ 54 heterosexual male
secondary partner ~ 43 bi-sexual female
** we are working on forming a triad, though our secondary partner is more for me since my primary partner travels **
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Old 07-26-2013, 01:23 PM
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Ambyer Ambyer is offline
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Hello there and nice to meet you!
I'm new to the forum, and new to really anything "named" but I can give you a little bit of insight from your other female's point of view. You see I'm in a much similar relationship, and we are all very close to your ages so the similarities are striking.
Is she new to this lifestyle to? If so, I can't stress enough the importance of communication, the good and the bad. If you are feeling any insecurities and such she will pick up on them if you have a close bond. There is a high chance she will misread them as well.
We have what I like to consider a wonderful relationship, but there have been times we hit rocky water and it was usually because of just such a situation. One of us (and believe me at different times it has been all of us) would get something in their head and stew over it and the others would pick up on it and read it the wrong way. It's caused more than it's share of hurt. Each time, those situations could have been diffused if we had just opened up and talked.
There might have been some pain, some irritation, but in the long run it would have hurt much much less had we addressed it when it first started.
I'm not sure if all would agree with me, but that's how it works with us. We are all very attuned to each other and pick up on the least little sign. I am the worlds worst. I don't see what they see in me so automatically jump to the worst conclusions. Yes I'm very negative when it comes to myself. But I'm working on that.
Just my 2cents.
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Old 07-26-2013, 01:53 PM
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Hello~!

I'm new here too (2nd post new), and also relatively to poly so don't take my advice as absolute or anything.

But I'll tell you what I think anyway =P

To betray anything told in confidence within any kind of relationship is a breach of trust. But, I mean, that sounds pretty harsh. What I'm saying is I would try to keep whatever conflict happens in your individual relationships separate. Especially in early, vaguer stages. In this case it puts your lady in a position of power.

But what's positive in this, to me, is that she didn't try to use this power and was really respectful of your primary relationship =). Which is a really good sign that she actually wants this situation and that it can work.

But then, the answer to every relationship thing ever, communicate. There's an exception to every rule. I'd tell your primary what kind of reassurance you're after and why. It might help him to understand. Of course, your feelings are ultimately yours. Usually my remedy for insecurity is soul-searching. But then, ask for what you want. You might even get it.

You could also ask what he's comfortable with you talking to the secondary about. And then ask the secondary the same, if you feel it's a good idea. It's hard to navigate everyone's boundaries if you don't know where they are.

As for feeling hesitant, I found The Ethical Slut a really good read. Practical advice, but the primary (ohoho) thing I got out of it was an overall feeling that polyamoury is possible. And fun. And doable.

Hope some of that helped! Only you can truly know the situation though, so good luck and trust your gut =). Also congrats on the special moments =)
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Old 07-26-2013, 08:32 PM
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Hi UnitedForNow,
Welcome to our forum.

I actually think it might be a good idea to have weekly (monthly?) sit-downs where all three of you express how you are doing emotionally, and negotiate any changes that are needed in the poly relationship. I certainly wouldn't hide my feelings away, and you are perfectly entitled to have reservations in spite of being the one that suggested poly in the first place.

Communication is possibly the most important thing in making poly work. Strive to communicate often and well.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 07-26-2013, 10:47 PM
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Thank you, both of you.

Yes, my initial desire was to disclose so there would be no misunderstandings. As Ambyer mentioned, I knew that if I hid my concerns that it was possible they would come out sideways. Given enough time they would develop into resentment, possible clinginess, maybe withdrawing, competitiveness, anger, or sadness, causing even more issues as the other two struggled to figure out what was going on with me.

The idea of checking in with each other is great to head off any potential problems and misunderstandings before they develop.

I really want this to work. My love for my primary partner is so important to me - and so is my need to learn more about her. I can't say that I'm in love with her yet, since it is still too soon for that. She is becoming very important to me though. As you all say, this is the NRE phase where we are all on our best behavior.

My primary partner travels a lot, and she is still untangling herself from her marriage of 13 years, so right now it is hard to see each other. We communicate through e-mail and text, with the occasional phone call. Soon she will be have her own place and then we will all be free to visit, spend time together, learn about each others likes/dislikes and display our true selves. That is when the fun and the difficulty of adjusting will occur.

I hope to hear from others what their opinions are...


p.s. I put my age down incorrectly. I'm actually 48
__________________
Change your perception and you change your life.
Nothing changes without changes.

Me ~ 48 bi-sexual female
Primary partner ~ 54 heterosexual male
secondary partner ~ 43 bi-sexual female
** we are working on forming a triad, though our secondary partner is more for me since my primary partner travels **
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Old 07-27-2013, 07:30 PM
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Just take it slowly, one step at a time.
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