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  #1821  
Old 07-22-2013, 08:12 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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It makes just as much sense to me that I get dental and chirospractic covered with my insurance. Mental health is just as important. Our taxes cover the regular stuff such as visits to drop in medical clinics or to my family doctor. Even the crisis line I was told I could call if i felt suicidal is free. I can get meds easy enough too, just not the therapy that I think should go along with it. It should go hand in hand I think.

I was charging $80 fresh out of school almost 20 years ago to therapeutic clients. It costs a lot to get the proper insurance and an office here. Totally understandable that a fee that high would leave little for the therapist. Subsities for massage therapy exists through my family doctor. Why not therapy? Don't get me started.
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  #1822  
Old 07-22-2013, 08:20 PM
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Hi RP,
Not knowing what you do for work, but do you have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) you can take advantage of? When my marriage was falling down around my ears, I found a counselor and got 8 sessions covered under my EAP.

I've been popping in and out of your blog sporadically, back when I was following Mono's posts intently (as a Mono folk, myself), and I hope the good days are outweighing the anxious ones. Hang in there.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #1823  
Old 07-22-2013, 08:44 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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12 step-type programs are free. I think there must be something like "co-dependent anonymous". The thing is, you might run into people you know there.
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  #1824  
Old 07-23-2013, 02:09 AM
TRBG TRBG is offline
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Does Codependants Anonymous have sponsors? That would seem ironic.
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  #1825  
Old 07-23-2013, 07:17 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Today I felt profoundly lonely. I suppose that might be why I am posting. Sitting in that and wondering why. Trying to find the space in my heart that say I am not lonely I am having me time.
I kind of think that the feeling of being lonely is something that most of us have at one time or another - just like feeling jealous or angry or sad. It's a normal part of our emotional repertoire, IMO.

For me, it's just a thing - human beings are a sociable species. We need each other and so of course, if any of us are going through a time of feeling like we need somebody there in the moment and we are alone, we are likely to feel lonely.

I use facebook a lot when I feel that way - I have so many friends around the place that there is usually somebody to chat with or someone putting something interesting up.

To be honest, I'd be much more worried about myself if I never felt lonely and was able to meet all my needs myself. Needing each other is part of being a human being, IMO and I think that losing that is a huge problem. (of course, needing each other is a spectrum - I have friends who cannot bear to be alone even for a few hours and others who will happily take off for a week's camping trip alone, not see another soul and be absolutely fine about it).

I remain slightly disturbed by the UK's focus on CBT as the counseling method of choice. I understand and see very much why it works and I think that sometimes it may be useful (although there seems to be little evidence for its efficacy) - but I have a massive problem with the notion that each of us as an individual must fix ourselves. Human beings work better in groups and collectively and very often when there is something wrong, it is something wrong in our living environment and not in our own heads - trying to change ourselves to fit in with a poor living environment is not a good way to go, IMO. I often think that those of us who tend towards independence and doing our own thing would benefit from spending time working our way into communities and trying to remain in them.

I hope you feel better.

IP
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  #1826  
Old 07-23-2013, 09:38 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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This article by Pema Chodron has helped me a lot with my loneliness and neediness issues. Just quoting one paragraph here, but the whole article is well worth the read. I like her distinction between the 'hot' loneliness that needs a fix, and 'cool' loneliness that is actually a completely new way of thinking.


Usually we regard loneliness as an enemy. Heartache is not something we choose to invite in. It's restless and pregnant and hot with the desire to escape and find something or someone to keep us company. When we can rest in the middle, we begin to have a nonthreatening relationship with loneliness, a relaxing and cooling loneliness that completely turns our usual fearful patterns upside down.
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  #1827  
Old 07-23-2013, 06:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Today I felt profoundly lonely. I suppose that might be why I am posting. Sitting in that and wondering why. Trying to find the space in my heart that say I am not lonely I am having me time. I am not alone. I am loved and people aren't leaving just doing other things. Its hard to do when sometimes there is so much silence compared to before. Its good that there is. I chose that, but I misread it sometimes.
It's possible that your brain is telling you that you've started to pull away from people too much. Maybe it's time to reach out and re-connect for an hour with someone you've been pulling away from. It's easy to go from one extreme to the next until no matter what we do, it's not healthy. Me time is great, until it's not, then it's time to reach out to others. Just take it slow and make baby steps. It's easy to go from nothing but me time to being overwhelmed with socializing. Reach out, have some me time, then reach out again, etc.

When I start feeling lonely, and then sorry for myself, I have to stop and think - Have I called anybody just to see how they were doing lately? Have I suggested a group of us meet for coffee lately? Usually the answer is NO. I've found excuse after excuse to isolate myself, including sitting alone at the kids ball game. Part of me says, you like to be alone and you like your me time, but... at some point, it's time for me to make the first step in reconnecting with certain people. I am going through this right now. After spending every weekend with certain people for 3 month straight, I pulled back for 2 months - now I'm missing everyone and need to make an effort to fix it.
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  #1828  
Old 07-24-2013, 12:48 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RedPepper
I'm not sure I understand what you are saying here. Could you say a bit more please?

I am hoping I am not being an idiot, and failing to pick up on subtleties, as usually people get frustrated whenever I attempt to explain my words, I often have trouble doing so coherently.

What I was trying to say is:

I believe it's not wise to make such a distinction between polyamory and monogamy in regards to how you are going to live your life so that you will feel fulfilled and content. Unless of course your main relationship issues are centered around sex. If they are not, then thinking that being monogamous will solve your problems will only serve to confuse you

you may become so confused that it severely affects your life, to the point you may seek treatment like you would for a medical illness. If you do seek treatment, keep in mind there is nothing better than a good psychologist, however not everybody is good at what the do for a living, especially mechanics, doctors, and those in the industry of psychiatry.

So if you need clinical help, make sure you find services from someone who is good at what they do for a living.

I don't know you, so please make sure if what I am saying doesn't apply to you or seem like it would help that you dismiss my opinion because you should remember that nobody can be a better guide than yourself, so long as you aren't confused or otherwise not understanding yourself or the world due to believing lies. I would be suspicious of those who do not promote your finding clarity about yourself, and who you are and how you feel shouldn't depend on whether or not you relationship is with one or more person, sexually speaking, because what is more important is that you are only with people sexually that you are capable of being sexual with in healthy ways

healthy both emotionally and physically

If you know that you desire to feel important or in any way special, it isn't going to be healthy for you to have relationships with people who demand you feel average, or nothing special.

Unless you know that you can only be happy in a sexually monogamous relationship, I think it won't be wise to look to monogamy to find what you are looking for to be in a fulfilling relationship(s) Unless sex is without a doubt the only problem you are having in your relationships, I don't see the point or reason that being monogamous would help you find clarity, as sex is the main difference between monogamy and polyamory

the mono and poly prefixes describe the sexual aspect of relationships, and if it really meant love, and not sex, then all monogamous relationships are fundamentally abusive (unless of course that is what they truly desire) because if the prefixes did describe love and not sex, that is essentially demanding that your partners have no close friends that they care about, that your SO have only casual friendships that they must not give a shit a shit about because they are not allowed to be anything more than acquaintances.

Which does not describe healthy mono or poly relationships for the majority of people -- regardless of the difference being either love or sex -- not when most of US desire close friendships with others besides our significant others, and not when a person does not find sex with others fulfilling unless they are more than casual interactions, but not everyone requires the same type of relationships in regards to love and sex.

My previous comment was labeled as "Either that or certain poly families/communities" I was saying that the problem could be the poly community you are active in, as if it was a source of your problems, it wouldn't be the first community that people have distanced themselves from because the community was not conducive to what constitutes healthy relationships for them. Because not all poly communities embrace all ways to practice polyamory or non-monogamy perhaps your community is imposing their polyamorous beliefs on you and what constitutes a fulfilling relationships for you is not the style that has been decided as acceptable for the group.

Which would be the case if you need to be important to the people you are in relationships with, you won't ever feel satisfied in a relationship with people who subscribe to the belief that people who think they are important need to be humiliated into believing they are not, or ignored to the point where they believe they are not,

And that is in no way required in order to be poly and happy, and I believe that anybody who tries to tell you that feeling unimportant is a requirement that they are the ones who are confused, and possibly buying into that mentality is why you are confused.

I don't know anybody that has time for more than two relationships that do not have any overlap, in full disclosure, I don't know anybody who has time for two completely separate primary relationships unless they are satisfied with only having their partner around two or three days of the week. Which probably describes a majority of people who proclaim themselves to be polyamorists. And that is fine, however making it a requirement has nothing to do with polyamory, if it's a requirement it is the only because the club is maximum-of-three-day-a-week-polyamory community.

And by responses here, which is the only thing I have to go off of to get an idea of your life, if your community is more than just poly, if it is a cannot-believe-you-are-important-polyamory community, and you are not happy when you are made to feel less than, your problem isn't polyamory, it's the community you are active in.

It is more likely that you do not have similar enough beliefs on what constitutes respect towards others

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 07-24-2013 at 01:11 PM. Reason: typo
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  #1829  
Old 07-27-2013, 04:26 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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My mind is beginning to come alive again in so many ways. I'm so excited! I'm shedding the bogged down word poly and accepting that each relationship I have is an entity all it's own. There is no need for any label when there is opportunity to discover each relationship I have with everyone. Poly has created options for me, but it's not the only one. If the shoe fits, wear it and forget about having to wear the coat of a self imposed methodology that just doesn't work for some relationships. I'm so glad I doscovered this for myself before losing my relationship with mono mearly due to my stubborn insistance that I HAVE TO BE POLY. No I don't. I don't have to at all. I can and maybe will with others one day but I don't have to. Yay choice!

Thanks for some of the replies here. I intend to come back and respond to some of them but just haven't had time lately. Happily doing other things. thanks all.
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  #1830  
Old 07-27-2013, 05:47 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
My mind is beginning to come alive again in so many ways. I'm so excited! I'm shedding the bogged down word poly and accepting that each relationship I have is an entity all it's own.
Damn Straight


Quote:
There is no need for any label when there is opportunity to discover each relationship I have with everyone. Poly has created options for me, but it's not the only one. If the shoe fits, wear it and forget about having to wear the coat of a self imposed methodology that just doesn't work for some relationships.
Well said and exactly what happened to me. Poly is simply the option of loving more than one, the relationships and their structures are separate from that. Makes life (mine at least) much easier and a lot less cluttered with junk.

Quote:
I'm so glad I doscovered this for myself before losing my relationship with mono mearly due to my stubborn insistance that I HAVE TO BE POLY. No I don't. I don't have to at all. I can and maybe will with others one day but I don't have to. Yay choice!
Congrats RP.. Truely.. Keep in simple and life will be much clearer.
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