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  #11  
Old 07-25-2013, 04:45 PM
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DaJaye74 DaJaye74 is offline
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Default the problem

The problem is that now that she has a new boyfriend, she doesn't want me anymore. In fact she loaths me and says that I have held her back from doing the things she wants to do. I admit to being controlling, and emotionally abusive. However I did not intend to do those things. I was only trying to be with the woman I love. As I said I am in therapy to learn to control my emotions and knee jerk reacrions. To become a better father, a better husband, better friend, and a better person. I love her so very much. I will do anything she wants.
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  #12  
Old 07-25-2013, 06:01 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Dajae-

My advice-focus on self improvement, not on "doing whatever she wants".

My bf has struggled with that over the years (20 years now). He is LEAST attractive to me when he is in "I love you SO MUCH I would do ANYTHING for you" desperate mode. It's exhausting and childish.

On the other hand, when he looks at himself and says "damn, I need to work on that" and puts his mind to self improvement-then I am entranced by him.

So stop flinging yourself desperately at her. She does love someone else. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you. But-you have some shit to deal with and it's going to take time. IF your wife and you are a good match when that work has been done and you have gotten yourself put together in a healthy place-then you can work on "us" then. But for now-that shouldn't be the priority.
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  #13  
Old 07-25-2013, 06:06 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Loathe-

she loathes the you that you have become.
It has nothing to do with the boyfriend.

But-you also loathe the you that you have become. So-don't blame the boyfriend or her. Don't even bother blaming yourself. Just look at it for what it is-things about you that need to be maintenanced-and start doing the work.


Seriously-If you want to talk-feel free to pm me.
But-having been through hell and back getting my ass back on track-getting my boyfriend on track and my husband too (we were all fucked up somewhere) has been a lot of work-and we all had to take time to do our part.

It can be done-it's hard work. If you are that confident that you want her-then do the work-focus on the work on YOU.
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  #14  
Old 07-25-2013, 06:08 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
The problem is that now that she has a new boyfriend, she doesn't want me anymore.
Quote:
I will do anything she wants.
Except give her space and time for a while? And give you space and time for a while to change what you want to change about yourself?

I see that you hurt. I'm sorry. And I know it takes time to arrive at full acceptance -- that someone you want to be with badly no longer wants to be with you like this.

Maybe you crave the reassurance that it will all be ok in the end. So that would make it easier to get through THIS chunk now knowing that.
But nobody can give you that. You get through this first and THEN see if the outcome is that you remain together because the implemented changes were good.

I see that you are lonely and fearful.

But... there's things to do here. First up is finding a home for you and son. No matter what ultimately happens with the marriage you need to live somewhere once out of military.

Could focus on that for now. You are in a trial separation time. Be separate. Try it on. Make the plans with the therapist so that your wants, needs, and limits are ok either way -- you are willing to try a healthy separation.

You could ask your therapist to help you navigate the next steps and make a plan. If you feel overwhelmed and can't organize thoughts right now, remember you have a therapist to aid you.
  • If we come to find we can be together after this time, then plan A.
  • If we come to find we need to split after this time, then plan B.
  • If we come to find we need more time to think, then plan C.

Then you just get through this time (what is it you agreed on? 3 mos? 6 mos? A year?) and assess at the end of the trial separation where it is at -- A, B, or C.

The loathe part.... Could you clarify this please:
  • She's willing / not willing to try this separation out in a healthy for BOTH of you way.
  • You are willing / not willing to try this separation in a healthy for BOTH of you way.

Because for it to work? You both have to be on the same page there -- both of you willing to try this on in a healthy for BOTH of you way because you both hope to build a healthier future relationship with each other.

Could you also clarify how you know she loathes you? What did she say to you VERBATIM? And how/where/when was this said?

"I loathe you" is VERY different than "I loathe it when you do ___ behavior. Please stop doing that."

Are you saying you are behaving appropriately toward her in the separation time and honoring your separation agreements?

And she's answering back with pent up hostile and couching it in destructive terms about your character? Rather than behavior done/not done?

What it is here? Please clarify that portion.

You can apologize and ask for forgiveness and opportunity to make amends.

But if she chooses to grant you forgiveness, and opportunity to make amends? That doesn't mean you become her endless whipping post. That is not healthy for you, nor for the new future relationship you both hope to build together. She might feel whatever she feels, but if she's going into "Ha! Payback time!" mode, that's keeping it in the stuck. Not moving it forward.

If the shared goal is to heal and get back together -- then you both could lay out the healthy for BOTH of you boundaries for the trial separation time and BOTH honor them. Not just one partner.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-25-2013 at 07:51 PM.
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  #15  
Old 07-25-2013, 06:59 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaJaye74 View Post
I love her so very much. I will give her anything she wants. I have no problem with her having a boyfriend.
Quote:
I admit to being controlling, and emotionally abusive. However I did not intend to do those things. I was only trying to be with the woman I love. As I said I am in therapy to learn to control my emotions and knee jerk reacrions. To become a better father, a better husband, better friend, and a better person. I love her so very much. I will do anything she wants.
My husband does shit like this. "I will do what ever you want to make you happy..." and then he starts doing REALLY passive aggressive shit, because he really didn't mean what he said. It seriously messes with my head, like he is trying to make me believe I'm going crazy and the worst person in the world. We've been married 21 years and I've only recently started to realize what was going on. Had I realized this earlier in our marriage, I'd have left and never gone back - it is horribly manipulative and it is abusive.

Stop lying to her, yourself and everyone else. Your NOT okay with a bunch of stuff and your NOT willing to give her ANYTHING she wants - you do have limits. There is nothing wrong with this until you start to use it as a way to manipulate her only to play mind games later to even the score. Kudos on getting yourself into therapy and doing what needs to be done to work on your controlling and abusive behaviors. Just remember, you can't work on stuff you refuse to admit.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DaJaye74 View Post
She told me the other day they were moving in together. Still processing this. She says she doesn't want to live with me anymore.
Sorry, but it sounds like she is moving on. Like others have said, work on improving yourself.
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  #16  
Old 07-26-2013, 05:46 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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DaJaye74.......I hear you saying you'll give Lady SFI whatever she wants, and that you have no problem with her having a boyfriend, but that's not what LadySFI is hearing. She stated that you've been back and forth with your thoughts/feelings about her having a boyfriend.

She comes on here asking for opinions/advice....and then you come on to her thread and start asking for opinions/advice for yourself. That feels VERY controlling to me! It looks like another effort to get your needs met.....draw people to side with you...feel sorry for you.

Now, there's nothing wrong with having needs, wanting others to understand and support you, etc. But, that's not matching what you're saying about giving Lady SFI "whatever she wants".

You say you're in therapy working on some of your issues. LadySFI shared that the two of you spent 4 years in couples therapy working on issues. How long does she have to wait around until you get your issues worked through such that you're not controlling and emotionally abusive???

Whether or not you intend to be this way......you are. And it's impacting the woman you say you love...and would do anything for. I personally have little tolerance for emotional abuse, especially when I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't fix it, and don't deserve it! If you love her as you say you do, why would you want her to be around you....put up with such behaviors? If I really loved someone, I certainly wouldn't encourage them to stay indefinitely with a partner who's being controlling and emotionally abusive to them, so why would you....just because that abusive partner happens to be you?!

I recognize it can create gut wrenching panic to watch someone we love choose to walk out of our lives. But what I don't like is you speaking out of both sides of your mouth about the issue. That only makes things worse. If you're mono...you're mono. If poly doesn't meet your wants/needs, it doesn't meet YOUR wants/needs. Yes...you might lose LadySFI because she's poly. But as it is....NOBODY is very happy in this relationship! If you're really willing to give Lady SFI "whatever she wants".....does "whatever" include her walking out of your life to live with her boyfriend???????? If not....I would suggest you stop saying that.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 07-26-2013 at 05:55 AM.
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  #17  
Old 07-26-2013, 03:16 PM
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DaJaye74 DaJaye74 is offline
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Default my thoughts

Firstly I am poly. And yes if she chooses not to be with me and that makes her happy then sobe. I am not trying to get anyone on my side. I am just haveing difficulty being COMPLETELY alone. We have been 5 hrs apart for a year now. She is attending school and I am raising our son. I wouldn't expext her to stay with an abusive person. I am changing that behavior. I am working very hard to change. I have PTSD from my 14 years of military service. I am just very lonely with no adult companionship. She is having all of her emotional and physical needs met. I am not. I cannot even begin to think about starting a new relationship due to the fact that I don't know how long it will be before I move to where she is. She is a wonderful wife, mother, and person. I have identified my behavioral problems and the WILL NOT happen again. I just want to be happy and want her to be happy. But I also want to do what is best for our son. I don't know what I am going to tell him qhen we move there and she doesn't want to live with us. I am just seeking advice.
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  #18  
Old 07-26-2013, 03:33 PM
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DaJaye74 DaJaye74 is offline
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Default in addition

The therapist we saw for 4 years SUCKED, my new cognitive behavioral therapist is amazing. After onky a few sessions I am gaining the tools I need to change. So far it has been going quite well. The behaviors have ceased and I am focusing on my own life and happiness. She truly is the best thing ever to happen to me. We are a great team and I want that again. What wpuld really bw nice is if I could get a 4bdr house so we coild all live together as a family. I reqlly like her boyfriend. We get along great. I am just so very tired of being alone.
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  #19  
Old 07-26-2013, 03:41 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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This thread makes me feel outraged! Sorry OP that your thread has been hijacked, I can completely understand how violated you must feel right now .
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  #20  
Old 07-26-2013, 03:51 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
This thread makes me feel outraged! Sorry OP that your thread has been hijacked, I can completely understand how violated you must feel right now .
How has it been hijacked? The original post was how her relationship with DaJaye wasn't working. Everything has been on topic. This is not posted in the blog section, where the OP would have the right to demand DaJaye never show his face.
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