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  #231  
Old 07-26-2013, 12:45 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I don't blame you OP, I would avoid too. And make sure you tell him why, because that might spur him into fixing his situation.
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  #232  
Old 07-26-2013, 12:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Monogamish View Post
I want a serious answer, here, because I can't think of a reason that doesn't stem from insecurity/control issues, but maybe there is one.
Red flag is right. Veto can only mean a couple of things:
1. I don't trust you because you are a child and cannot survive without my direct supervision
2. I am insecure and need to feel the illusion of power over your life in order to deal with my personal issues
None of this is fertile ground for having an adult intimate relationship.

Are you planning on giving it a chance?
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  #233  
Old 07-26-2013, 12:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Whether it is something I would get into or not is irrelevant.

This is your polyship, not mine. But you haven't "gotten into it" yet. You are kinda checking out the offer here, right? So... check it out thoroughly then.

It sounds like you have a plan -- meet the woman and ask what this is all about. So... meet her and ask?

And don't just ask why this is in place, could ask if this is a hard limit (will never change) or a soft limit (could change over time or change after X encounters). Maybe that makes a difference to you. Maybe there's some trauma story of her own there.

But if in the end you get some kind of answer and it still bugs ya? Step away and say "Thank you for your time. But this is not an offer I want to participate in." And walk away. The price of admission here is not to your liking.

Not every date is gonna be a long haul runner. *shrug* That is what dating is for -- to find the compatible ones.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-26-2013 at 01:05 PM.
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  #234  
Old 07-26-2013, 02:02 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Talk to her and agree to her rule only if she will call you and ask your permission every time she wants to have sex with her husband.
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  #235  
Old 07-26-2013, 02:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Talk to her and agree to her rule only if she will call you and ask your permission every time she wants to have sex with her husband.
Magical. OP, I will mail you a crisp 1 dollar bill if you tell her that!!
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  #236  
Old 07-26-2013, 04:29 PM
Monogamish Monogamish is offline
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Default Good news?

I cross-posted this to reddit's /r/polyamory. My date was a redditor. He had his wife create a throwaway to respond to me. Long story short, they came at poly from the swinging/nonmonogamy side. This rule is a remnant of navigating poly from that end of things, apparently.

She says she's open to renegotiating it/cancelling it if everyone agrees, and that she's feeling compersion that I went out with him and liked him so much.

So, that's positive!

In return, I wrote her explaining why vetoes suck for me personally, and what I'm wary about, and the pitfalls these kinds of rules tend to fall into. I also mentioned that it was obviously her relationship and her rules, and that I respected it even if it wouldn't work for me. And that if she wasn't willing to compromise, I could bounce and wouldn't be offended.

So...hopefully it works out?
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  #237  
Old 07-26-2013, 04:45 PM
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Well that sounds dramatically less red flag than I thought it was going to @_@.

Good luck?
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  #238  
Old 07-26-2013, 04:53 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Well, there you go. A happy accident (that he's a redditor person) yielded a response. And you both reached a greater understanding of the other one's POV.

Still doesn't mean it's gonna be a runner in the end, but perhaps it changes your willingness to try it on and see. GL however it is you decide to go from here on this potential polyship.

But a possible take home from this either way could be that next time you have questions about your potentials you could ask the potentials directly with more confidence.

Next date might not be a redittor and be able to intercept it.

Namaste,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-26-2013 at 05:00 PM.
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  #239  
Old 07-26-2013, 05:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Monogamish View Post
they came at poly from the swinging/nonmonogamy side. This rule is a remnant of navigating poly from that end of things, apparently.
That certainly sounds like a potential point of growth. Hopefully if she dumps the VETO power it will be to grow emotionally - not just to sate the desires of the people around her. One would be a very good sign, the other would be a temporary reprieve with a difficulty to come at a later date.
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  #240  
Old 07-26-2013, 06:07 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Monogamish View Post
She says she's open to renegotiating it/cancelling it if everyone agrees, and that she's feeling compersion that I went out with him and liked him so much.
Communication for the Win!!
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agreements, contracts, control issues, envy, jealous, jealousy, metamour concerns, new to poly, nre, relationship dynamics, relationship issues, secondaries, secondary, sex, veto, veto policy, veto power, vetos

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