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Old 07-26-2013, 11:48 AM
Monogamish Monogamish is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 16
Default His wife has a sex veto: is this totally unworkable?

I went out on a date with a great guy last night. We hit it off intellectually, there was mutual attraction, he was sweet and funny and wasn't a total poly newbie, and he and his wife have both had experience with open relationships in the past. All great so far.

Then the giant red flag came out on the field: he and his wife have a rule. Either she has to be in the same house while he has sex (and then she doesn't get a say in whether or not he HAS that sex), or, before clothes start coming off, he has to contact her and ask for permission to have sex with his partner. Every time, if she's not around. And she can say no.

I have a big fucking problem with this. I want me and my partner to be in control of our sex life, not a third party (because past trauma blah blah). I hate veto power. So at first glance, I thought this was the dealbreaker and we should just go our separate ways.

But I also haven't met his wife yet. If she's a cool, non-neurotic, reasonable person, I would like to look her in the eyes and ask, as nicely as I can, why her desire to control her husband's dick is more important than my desire to control my own sex life. I want a serious answer, here, because I can't think of a reason that doesn't stem from insecurity/control issues, but maybe there is one.

I also thought I might be more ok with it if he does the whole 'can I' song and dance before we ever go out on the date, so it doesn't cut into our time and he doesn't have to stop everything to wait for his wife to get in touch with him. But I'm worried that I might be fooling myself because I liked the guy.

I didn't kiss him, even though I wanted to, because this is a tricky situation and I didn't want to fuck things up with that kind of attraction right off the bat. We're both honest, analytical people, which is how this discussion came about in the first place.

I don't know what to think. Please help! Any stories or advice would be great.
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Tags
agreements, contracts, control issues, envy, jealous, jealousy, metamour concerns, new to poly, nre, relationship dynamics, relationship issues, secondaries, secondary, sex, veto, veto policy, veto power, vetos

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