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  #41  
Old 07-20-2013, 03:55 PM
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I'd say leave it alone and just meet them with an open mind right now.

When I was just starting out in my relationship with my partner (I'm mono), it was very difficult for me to switch out of the typical "but why am I not enough for you?" mindset (in fact, I still have small bouts of it from time to time). However, I wanted to get to know my metamour better and did my best to not let my issues in my relationship with my partner impact my friendship with my metamour.

Yeah, everything impacts everything else, but it wasn't her issue to work through, it was mine, and I recognized that. Your metamour may feel the same way.

If not... if she does start going into a conversation you don't want to have, just let her know you don't feel comfortable talking about it. Hoping you have fun on your girls' night!
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  #42  
Old 07-20-2013, 09:51 PM
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FindingMyselfInTheGrey FindingMyselfInTheGrey is offline
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Default Sounds like our metamour relationships are in the same stage

This is a question that I have been struggling with as well.

I am in a closed V with my husband as the hinge. My hubs and I have been together for 14 years and he has been with my metamour for 9 months. She and I are very aware of each other, but have had no communication until recently.

I know that rule #1 in poly is that you never move faster than the most reserved person in the relationship. I am eager to meet her and get to know her. We may never have a close relationship-but who knows someday we might, we'll never know until we try. She has been hesitant to meet me for numerous reasons, all of which I understand and respect.

However on July 3rd we were (all three) attending the same event (it was a company family appreciation day) in various roles.... Hubbs was cooking, she was running a serving line, and I was managing entertainers. No one there knows that we are in a V relationship, but a few of them know that Hubbs has me AND a girlfriend-but they don't know who she is.

However, during the event she made sure to see to it that I took a break to get something to eat, and I made sure to assure her that the other guests were having a great time and that all of the planning that she and hubs had done for the event was appreciated. We really only spent about 20 minutes together talking about the event. We did not discuss the relationship or spend time getting to know each other.

BUT even that short superficial meeting has made a difference in the pig picture relationship, it has helped to reassure all of us that we were on the right track and are with the right people. Hopefully we will be able to build upon this and continue to make strides forward and be able to spend a bit more time together.

One of my short-term goals would be for us to be able to be together on a routine basis (monthly or every other month) to discuss time management, and relationship needs, and wants as a group instead of Hubbs having to act as messenger between us to figure out our calendars.

I guess that's my point for you. for the first meeting find something quick and superficial to do. Grab a cuppa tea/coffee or just walk through Wal-Mart or the park together. Something where you are not tied into a long or stressful event and can leave gracefully if things go a little weird. Then build on that at the speed of the slowest person in the relationship. After that first meeting figure out a minimal goal that you would like to achieve and talk to your shared partner to see if they think that goal is attainable someday, if it is then talk to your metamour to she what she thinks. And remember someday might be a long time away. Patience, is key - At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Keep us posted. I'll be checking in, because your relationship with your metamour sounds like it's in about the same place as mine is with my metamour. I bet you'll have a few good tips to share as time goes on.
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  #43  
Old 07-21-2013, 08:00 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
I know that rule #1 in poly is that you never move faster than the most reserved person in the relationship.

That's not the "#1 rule in poly". It's just something some people say they believe. Not everyone who says they believe that does it, either.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 07-21-2013 at 08:04 AM.
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  #44  
Old 07-21-2013, 10:06 AM
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Glad you pointed that out, BG. I was going to respond to that one sentence but then got distracted. There are no rules for everyone, firstly, though it is often recommended, but that cannot apply in all circumstances.
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  #45  
Old 07-21-2013, 03:42 PM
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I suppose I should have clarified for my group, and for right now, our rule #1 is to move as slowly as the most reserved person in the group.

Other rules that occasionally become #1:
1. Openness and honesty- Not only with others in the group but also within each individual.
1. Clarity in communication-be as clear as you can be when communicating with others in the group. No hemming and hawing and dancing around the topic at hand. Be forthcoming in your communication, don't hide your primary message under a bunch of not-as-important communication.
1. Respect- respect yourself, others in the group, and those whom we call friends. And expect respect in return- from each of us and from those we call friends.
1. Take joy in each other- treasure the moments we are together and enjoy the knowledge that we are better as a group. When apart enjoy the solitude and know that we are still there for each other, we're just a phone call away.


Lots of rule #1s
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  #46  
Old 07-22-2013, 02:37 AM
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If you really feel the need/desire to meet them, you may consider meeting them one at a time and with him being present. When he is present, I would think the boundaries will be more secure. Surely she wouldn't talk to you about him as if he isn't even there. I find that spending time together (with him and her) releases a lot of unnecessary pressure that can build up. It also let's you see how he will hold the boundaries and interact with both of you.

An analogy: I used to sell Interior Decorating franchises. I would interview prospective Franchise Owners and we would get to the point where they needed to create a business plan. Often times, a person would come back to me and say "I can't create a business plan." and my response was "Then you can't run a business."

Likewise: If a person can't entertain two of his/her partners over dinner and walk away with both of them feeling good about the dinner and about him......then that person will probably not be able to pull off the multiple relationships in question.

In fact- A guy that can successfully have 3 female partners in his life should be able to impress all three of you during a dinner date and he should be able to do this periodically.

I know people will disagree with this and you may be able to change my mind- but that is how I feel about it right now.
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Last edited by idealist; 07-22-2013 at 02:39 AM.
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  #47  
Old 07-26-2013, 03:52 AM
ShyOne ShyOne is offline
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Default Meeting my Metamour

Ok, my partner is in a long distance relationship. They were in a relationship before I came into the picture. Now, I have met his other partner, but that was before we started dating and was very brief at a social event. They visit each other a few times during the year. He went to see her the last time for two weeks.

I can see him daily, so I felt that while he was there, I should limit my phone calls and messaging so that I am not disrupting any time that they may be having together because she is married and has to share her time with her husband as well.

Well, she is coming here next month. I was really excited at first. But, as the time gets closer, Iím starting to worry, and I feel nervous. I know that she has had some jealousy about the amount of time that I get to spend with my partner because we are so much closer (distance). I donít want to upset her while she is here. I feel the same need to give them their space while she is here just like when he was up there. But, my partner has expressed that he desires us to all get together. He wants the family type experience.

When I expressed my concerns to my partner, he told me that she is nervous and worried about meeting me as well. He also shared with me that they will have some work to do because she had asked for his full attention while she was down here for two weeks and he feels that is unfair to meÖ as do I. I want them to have their time, but I donít want to go two weeks without spending some kind of time with him.

And now I feel likeÖ wow, I was worried about trying to give them their space and making sure she feels comfortable around me, and worrying about my actions and if they might make her feel like I was trying to claim him which I donít want to doÖ and she isnít even considering that she will be taking quite a bit of his time from me, she wants it all! And that upsets me which makes me even more nervous and worried about meeting her now.

So, itís kind of snowballed nowÖ thinking about how she asked him for his full attention made me think about how she will be living with him for two weeks while she is here. So, now I feel jealous. I donít get to live him. And this type of thinking doesnít sit well with me. I am not normally like this, so I need to get out of this mindset. Words of encouragement, advice, etcÖ all would be greatly appreciated!
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  #48  
Old 07-26-2013, 04:02 AM
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You might just be picking up on her jealousy of you, and thinking it is your own. We often pick up the thoughts and patterns of thinking of those around us, or those who are directing their energies our way, and unless we recognize when it is or is not our own thought processes, sometimes it is easy to think that what we're going through may not even be our own shit.

Don't let yourself get caught up in any melodramatic thinking nor feeling offended - that won't do you any good. Just clearly state what you want, and be as present as you can be with what is happening. When one is present in the here and now, then anything life throws us will be handled appropriately. But if you're dwelling on negative thoughts or stuff, like taking offense at something, you will be stuck in your head.
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  #49  
Old 07-26-2013, 12:51 PM
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Nycindie makes an excellent point.

Maybe try thinking compassionately about why she made those insecure requests - and they are a sign of her insecurity.

She is coming into your territory. No comfort of what is familiar to her - except your joint lover. So she is feeling a bit clingy.

Her fear of meeting you. What if you don't like her?

And you know given the distance which makes their times together infrequent, it is not out of line that she asked to be given the lion's share of the time with him - but not all. However, I imagine she is thinking to herself, here I am in a strange town, in a strange house, so how the hell I am I going to entertain myself if he goes out with her?

I am betting when you do meet, all of those fears will be washed away on both sides.
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  #50  
Old 07-26-2013, 01:10 PM
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I also agree with nycindie about avoiding letting yourself get twisted up in your feelings about the future.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShyOne View Post
I want them to have their time, but I donít want to go two weeks without spending some kind of time with him.
I also wanted to point out that it really is ok to not get what we want sometimes. This is just life and if a couple of weeks away from my partner is the very worst nightmare I have in my life... I'd say I'm doing pretty well.

Remember that you are a fully functional human. You will be perfectly fine if you go a whole two weeks without a visit from him. Before you met him you were a fully functional human and went your whole life up until that point without seeing him... I'm sure you'd be able to tough out a couple of weeks.
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