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  #101  
Old 07-16-2013, 02:18 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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You can still love and appreciate her without being physically intimate with her - it isn't necessarily something to be sad about! Love her as a friend - she does sound awesome!
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  #102  
Old 07-25-2013, 08:09 PM
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Things have settled down a lot with me. Not sure why I got so emotional, but I guess it was because I had anticipated the day I would finally spend time with Lee's wife for so long that when it happened and she was more open with me than I expected, I became emotional. Life is back to normal!
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  #103  
Old 07-26-2013, 03:49 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Just wanna say hi, its been a while and I happen to keep catching your posts. Glad to see things and life are still on the good tracks
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  #104  
Old 07-27-2013, 03:42 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Just wanna say hi, its been a while and I happen to keep catching your posts. Glad to see things and life are still on the good tracks
Good to see you are still active here and sounds like things are going good for you too! Congrats on your sobriety!
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  #105  
Old 08-10-2013, 11:38 PM
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Default Denial

Quote from Marcus
"While I do find denial (willful ignorance of reality) to be an unhealthy trait for the most part, that wasn't the point I was trying to make. I was merely stating that DADT is a state of willful denial. That's not a value judgment, just a rational assessment of the reality of the agreement.

I'm not sure about the world falling apart within hours, simply because all of its human inhabitants suddenly decided not to be willfully ignorant of reality but I'd be up for hearing your defense of such an interesting assertion. It would be a purely academic exercise though since there is exactly 0% chance of that happening."



I'll just state first that this is just my opinion and it doesn't matter to me whether anyone agrees with me or not. It is something I have thought about in the past and haven't given it much thought recently, but since you asked I'll present my perspective. And now that I have developed my thoughts a bit more, I think it would make in interesting book or movie!

I probably would actually prefer a world without denial, but when I follow the thought through I realize that so much is built on it that everything would have to fall apart first and who knows how it would be restructured. ....maybe it would be better in the long run, but it would be tragic at first.

Denial is what keeps people in unhealthy relationships with drug addicts, alcoholics and abusive people. It is also what prevents a parent from removing a child out of a toxic or abusive relationship or environment.

If just the denial that exists which keeps us from objectively assessing the people we are choosing to be in relationship with- a large number of relationships would end immediately....probably better in the long run because people with hurtful intentions would not be able to manipulate anyone any more. But in the beginning, it would be chaotic.

Another major area that would cause chaos (again- just my opinion) is that some of the beliefs we have based our culture on -our relationships on, our religions on simply don't make logical sense.

Monogamy is one of them. Yes- there is a part of me that is really irritated by the way our culture can deny that this simply isn't really working.

And this isn't really the place to get into religion and how much denial of reality has to exist to hold it up....so i won't get into that- although two of my favorite topics are God and Sex and I like talking about them in the same conversation!
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Last edited by idealist; 08-10-2013 at 11:42 PM.
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  #106  
Old 10-26-2013, 04:44 AM
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I haven't written in a while because life is good, but I realize it is encouraging for others to hear about poly stories where things are working out, so I decided to give an update!

I am still seeing Richard and I love him deeply. I consider him my primary and he considers me his primary. We are comfortable with that label. If there comes a time when are not comfortable with a hierarchical term, we will discontinue using it. I know there are people on this forum that object to hierarchical terms, but IMO no matter how much you avoid the terms or labels, you can't avoid the fact that life consists of a myriad of hierarchies and it always will. But I digress.

Richard and I have known each other for 10 years and we've been poly for 3 1/2 years. We fell in love 10 years ago and struggled with monogamy for the first 7 years. Once we made a commitment to polyamory, things got better for us!

We had a period this spring where we took a break from one another for about 3 months and that was really good. In fact every separation we have had has ended up bringing us closer together.

We do not live together and probably won't any time soon. We have talked about living together after retirement, but that's not set in stone. I like my privacy and alone time and so does he. We've talked about building a house with a communal living room and kitchen in the center and two wings on each end- each with a master bedroom and bathroom. And there would also be a guest wing!

For the last 5 years or so, I have been spending time at the coast- right near Florida where the beaches are beautiful!

I was fortunate enough this year to finally purchase a condo right on the beach! I will be spending the month of November there!

I can't believe it's already been a year ago since Carrie spent time with me at the beach without her husband Gary. They have been married 37 years and she is bisexual. It was the first trip she had ever taken without her husband! I am still seeing them. My life has been so busy with the condo purchase and remodel that it has been a while, but I hope to resume that soon!

I am still seeing Lee. I invited him and Judy to spend time at the beach with me while I'm there. Today he informed me that Judy said she may not be able to go because of a wedding, but maybe he could come for a few days by himself! That is a huge step for all three of us if that happens. And if it doesn't happen- that's okay too!

I have met a couple that lives near the beach condo! We have been on 4 dates! I am equally attracted to both of them - which is not usually the case, so I am going to enjoy it as long as possible! I will call them Robbie and Bob. Last weekend we had very sweet triple spooning session where he was behind me and she was in front of me- yes- I was in the middle! Bob was kissing me on my neck and I was kissing her on her neck and she and I both had goosebumps running down our spines!

So- my main poly situation is that Richard is my primary and he has a secondary female partner. I have Lee as a secondary. Now that Judy has more trust in me, Lee and I have been getting closer and he is expressing his feelings for me- we are getting to know each other better and it's nice. He is a super incredible sexual partner too! Then- I have the 2 married couples that I am seeing and developing relationships with.

As I think back to my process in the poly lifestyle and what would I say is the single most important quality that has allowed me to be where I am today - i would say that is patience.

Also important is the ability to say "no" to a person or persons or to a relationship or relationship configuration that is not healthy.

Also important is the ability to say "yes" to the people and relationships that are healthy and in line with me and what I currently resonate with.

When things don't seem to be working out- go back to the basics. Relax about things. Don't over analyze things. Manage emotions- let them pass- don't hang on to them- stay physically healthy by getting plenty of sleep, eating right- drink lots of water and get daily exercise. I know it sounds simple, but sometimes it's good to get back to basics!
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  #107  
Old 12-05-2013, 09:24 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Wisdom.

I agree with you - patience is one of the most valuable tools in life, period. Kudos to you and your sexy-fabulous life, way to live out loud and love yourself and others. You are inspirational.
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  #108  
Old 12-09-2013, 01:21 AM
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The interesting thing about poly (for me) has been the fact that no matter how much I read about other people's way of navigating the lifestyle, the bottom line is that there are no set rules.

This is a huge advantage for me because I am tired of operating by relationship rules that society has set down. Monogamy wasn't working for me. As a bisexual female, a monogamous lifestyle means that part of my sexuality will not be nurtured.

Alternately- The disadvantage of being in a lifestyle where there are no "agreed upon rules" is that you have to have the maturity and bravery to get started with no rules and no assurances. So- we have tried to make our own rules and when things don't work out quite like we had expected, we have the freedom and ability to re-think them.....it's actually a responsibility.

And now I realize -the security I felt (when I was following the societal norms and rules) was an illusion anyway. It is just this illusion that keeps so many of us tied to cultural "norms" since these traditions promise security.

Relationship security is a reality, but can not be guaranteed by the agreement to engage in certain cultural rituals and to follow the accompanying agreements. Namely marriage- which I have never participated in.

So- as the year draws to a close, I look back on the year that has passed and I feel good about where I am. I feel good about the relationships I have and how we are navigating through them.

I will not be participating in any of the societal "holiday rituals" this year and I'm excited about that! Richard and I will be spending the week of Christmas at the beach!

I hope each of you gets to experience and enjoy the holiday season in the unique way that you choose to experience it!
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  #109  
Old 01-23-2014, 01:08 AM
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Default Polyamory is totally working for us!!!

So this is what the polyamourous lifestyle is all about! One of the things that is difficult for people to realize is that there is no one set way to do it.

This is how we are doing it. Richard has three girlfriends besides me. One of them is his ex wife -they were married for one year when they were about 20 years old. This is an LDR so they only get to spend time together maybe once or twice a year.

The other one is a Spanish speaking girlfriend that he has had for a while and they lack the ability to communicate since he doesn't speak Spanish and she doesn't speak English but they seem to be able to communicate in their own way.

The third woman is someone he has recently met and she is into the "friends with benefits" mentality. Apparently the last guy she was with was very possessive so she needs a little bit more freedom from that. Which makes her a good partner for him since she lives right where he lives during the week. She invited him over for dinner tonight so that is where he is at right now.

I am really excited about the new guy that I have met and am anticipating spending time with him next week! Polyamory is a new concept for him but he seems to be in the right place in his life to be able to embrace it. Because I like to hear about Richard's sexual experiences with his women, I offered my new guy a chance to hear about my sexual experiences with Richard. It took him a few days to process this and we were able to talk about it a few days later.
Come to find out -he felt that he would rather be with me rather than hearing about me being with Richard. I get that -but I explained compersion to him and encouraged him to start tapping into that energetic pattern.

It has been 4 years since I was formally introduced to the idea of polyamory. I am happy with the way everything is working out for me and for Richard. It is not that often that I meet someone that I really connect with mentally so this guy is cool and I am feeling a bit of NRE for the first time in quite a few years.

I have a nice profile with a really good photo gallery on a swinger site and I have met a lot of awesome people through that sight. A few weeks ago I was contacted by this guy that (because of life circumstances) finds himself completely free. He is an absolute pleasure to be with and a pleasure to talk to! We will be spending a week together next week! The awesome part of it is that Richard is so supportive of this relationship!

We are living this lifestyle the way that we want to live it. There needn't be any judgement from anyone about how someone else lives a poly lifestyle. Richard and I are actually getting closer and thinking about building a house together in the future. The way that this lifestyle is working out for the two of us makes me feel more comfortable committing to sharing a household with him.

We have hit a few little speed bumps on the way but nothing major has come up for us. Never in his wildest dreams did he think he would have four girlfriends at one time. But he is a natural at it and he loves it. He is an emotional guy so it has taken him awhile to relax and not feel that he has to worry about everybody. The main issue that he has dealt with is that the girl friends become possessive and want to own him. In the very beginning of every relationship he lets the women know that he is not going to engage in a monogamous relationship with them- So when they become possessive and start asking or expecting that -he is able to remind them about their initial conversations. And all of the conversations continue throughout the relationship -sometimes women are listening but not listening if you know what I mean.

So I just wanted to share this with everybody because we have had way more positive experiences since we entered this lifestyle than we have had negative experiences.

I contribute this to a variety of things:

Don't sweat the small stuff.
Be in touch with what you want and what you don't want.
Stay true to that.
Be authentic and live in the moment.

All of that is resting on a foundation of emotional health which has been achieved by therapy and other self awareness endeavors.

Be always ready and willing to work on your own emotional wellbeing and growth.

That's it for now and I welcome comments and/or questions!
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  #110  
Old 01-23-2014, 01:52 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Wonderful!

You are such an inspiration - keep living out loud and finding the love that works for you! Only we know what is right for ourselves!
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