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  #1811  
Old 07-15-2013, 10:18 PM
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Thanks LR. *hugs* you have grown too! We all have.
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  #1812  
Old 07-19-2013, 11:55 PM
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Lots of good stuff these days mixed with moments of totaly anxiety and fear. I've chosen to investigate these moments as being a sign that I need to dive into my self stuff swim around until I find my feet again. Today I felt profoundly lonely. I suppose that might be why I am posting. Sitting in that and wondering why. Trying to find the space in my heart that say I am not lonely I am having me time. I am not alone. I am loved and people aren't leaving just doing other things. Its hard to do when sometimes there is so much silence compared to before. Its good that there is. I chose that, but I misread it sometimes.

Poly lessons; don't chose partners with the same love language. I'm realzing that "quality time" cannot be met with four partners. By me anyway. Total fail on that one for me. It just didn't work. That and partners to friendship break ups means you lose your heart family. I hadn't reckoned on that. Part of the learning. I have been replaced and need to find more heart family I think. It just is what it is I guess.

Other than that I am excellent at monogamy. I am giving all that I have in hopes of a healthy relationship. Fingers crossed. What happens after that I don't know. I suspect there is much more to come.
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  #1813  
Old 07-20-2013, 12:12 AM
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Maybe it isn't "loneliness." Maybe its "missing." I will sit in that thought now.
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  #1814  
Old 07-21-2013, 02:18 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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"Monogamy?" You're focused on Mono (the person) now and PN is just roommate/family/brother status?

Where are all your guys? Mono, PN and the kid?

I felt you were overly polysaturated, but it's sad that Derby and Brad had to be hurt in the breakup.

Sometimes "me time" can stretch on a bit long and feel like loneliness, or boredom, but your peeps will be back! Take a bubble bath, get some retail therapy, jill off! Cook yourself a nice meal, watch a good movie or read some quality fiction.

Anyway, that's what I do.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #1815  
Old 07-21-2013, 04:53 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
"Monogamy?" You're focused on Mono (the person) now and PN is just roommate/family/brother status?

Where are all your guys? Mono, PN and the kid?

I felt you were overly polysaturated, but it's sad that Derby and Brad had to be hurt in the breakup.

Sometimes "me time" can stretch on a bit long and feel like loneliness, or boredom, but your peeps will be back! Take a bubble bath, get some retail therapy, jill off! Cook yourself a nice meal, watch a good movie or read some quality fiction.

Anyway, that's what I do.
Eh, a person will never be happy in a relationship if they are unhappy with their own self. Monogamy or not, redpepper will feel lonely because she IS lonely. she looks to other people to fill the empty spaces she has in her soul. Doesn't want to seek therapy for it (last I remember, but I don't read this thread religiously), but posts it all on a public message board because it feels good to know people are paying attention.

Attention, attention, attention, that's what it's all about. Redpepper doesn't want to fix the real problem because it's so rewarding all the attention she gets from the symptoms, sort of like Munchausen's syndrome by relationship proxy.
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  #1816  
Old 07-21-2013, 07:18 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Either that or certain poly families/communities

have it written in their beliefs systems that understanding you are not special or unique and do not deserve any other family or community affirmed notions other than each individual is average, mediocre, nothing to write home about at best.

However there is nothing wrong with believing your are unique, special, or that someone would desire your company over others so long as you treat others with love, honesty, and a mutual respect because for the same reason that each individual is special and chosen over another, for the same reason one person prefers you, another person prefers to not chose to be around you.

For some reason their are groups that seem to practice a lowest common denominator type view of the self, instead of celebrating uniqueness and understanding that it is OK to desire to be important to others. But to also realize how damaging it is to attempt to make others feel less important and call that love.

some groups that require conformity place value on or consider it necessary to break a person's spirit so that they fit into a group, when all that ultimately does is not allow more freedom, but effectively give another more control
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  #1817  
Old 07-22-2013, 03:51 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
"Monogamy?" You're focused on Mono (the person) now and PN is just roommate/family/brother status?

Where are all your guys? Mono, PN and the kid?

I felt you were overly polysaturated, but it's sad that Derby and Brad had to be hurt in the breakup.

Sometimes "me time" can stretch on a bit long and feel like loneliness, or boredom, but your peeps will be back! Take a bubble bath, get some retail therapy, jill off! Cook yourself a nice meal, watch a good movie or read some quality fiction.

Anyway, that's what I do.
I'm focused on me now. Being my own primary. Mono and I are together, PN and I aren't in the romantic sense. We all live together still and have no plans for leaving our house or changing what we have at the moment. I am not identifying as mono or poly. It's way to early for that and besides, it never served me well to "identify." I only up and change it again at some point. No boxes, no definitions, no labels. Just going through this and seeing where I end up at the moment.

Yes it is sad that Derby and Brad got hurt but it was harder to hold on to the relationships I had with them than it was to keep dating them and trying to steer away from the work I am doing on myself now. I am sorry if I hurt them, but really, they seem to be better off. They found each other after all.

Derby and Brad are still in my life and I care about them greatly, but the time I have now is for me and its important to me that I keep on this path. Its way beyond bubble baths and retail therapy. As much as it would be awesome if it would all clear up over that. Thanks for the tips though, all part of it. I can't afford therapy so its important to balance self care with self work. I am doing fine with this process so far for the most part.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Eh, a person will never be happy in a relationship if they are unhappy with their own self. Monogamy or not, redpepper will feel lonely because she IS lonely. she looks to other people to fill the empty spaces she has in her soul. Doesn't want to seek therapy for it (last I remember, but I don't read this thread religiously),
This is correct. Although I can't afford therapy and besides, I don't think I need it as much as it might appear. Working through the emotions in segments is working working well. Much like people work through jealousy I have broken it down into sections and am looking at each piece on my own so far. I don't know where that will lead and if it feels right to get extra help I will find some money. I did this fall and am still benefiting from what I learned. I don't think the benefits have been completely run through yet, I don't find this any more work than dealing with four relationships and a full on poly life. Its actually less work because I can go at my own pace and not be side swiped by things that come up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
but posts it all on a public message board because it feels good to know people are paying attention.

Attention, attention, attention, that's what it's all about. Redpepper doesn't want to fix the real problem because it's so rewarding all the attention she gets from the symptoms, sort of like Munchausen's syndrome by relationship proxy.
Do you say this to everyone who writes a blog here? Are you in my personal life keeping tabs of everything I do in order to know this information? Have you discussed at great length with those close to me or with me myself in order to know what is going on for me beyond here on this forum? You know what? Don't answer that. Don't ever write or read this blog again. I don't want your in put and opinion as it doesn't come from a place of compassion or love. Good-bye Boring Guy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dirtclustit View Post
have it written in their beliefs systems that understanding you are not special or unique and do not deserve any other family or community affirmed notions other than each individual is average, mediocre, nothing to write home about at best.

However there is nothing wrong with believing your are unique, special, or that someone would desire your company over others so long as you treat others with love, honesty, and a mutual respect because for the same reason that each individual is special and chosen over another, for the same reason one person prefers you, another person prefers to not chose to be around you.

For some reason their are groups that seem to practice a lowest common denominator type view of the self, instead of celebrating uniqueness and understanding that it is OK to desire to be important to others. But to also realize how damaging it is to attempt to make others feel less important and call that love.

some groups that require conformity place value on or consider it necessary to break a person's spirit so that they fit into a group, when all that ultimately does is not allow more freedom, but effectively give another more control
Thank you for the reminder of the underlined. I'm not sure I understand what you are saying here. Could you say a bit more please? thanks.
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  #1818  
Old 07-22-2013, 04:41 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Doesn't Canadian Nat'l Health cover behavioral therapy? We have state health coverage in Mass., and my daughter and miss pixi are both on it (MassHealth) and get all the therapy they need. miss p has been going weekly for almost 5 years in fact,. I thought Canadian coverage would be at least as good
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #1819  
Old 07-22-2013, 07:16 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Doesn't Canadian Nat'l Health cover behavioral therapy? We have state health coverage in Mass., and my daughter and miss pixi are both on it (MassHealth) and get all the therapy they need. miss p has been going weekly for almost 5 years in fact,. I thought Canadian coverage would be at least as good
Nope. It's not covered and is ususually around $100 a session. If it were cheap or free I would go. Cheap therapy is not much less a lot of the time. The woman I saw in the fall is poly and her fee was over $100. She is the only one in town and besides, as a poly person, one of the only ones I would make myself that vulnerable too (small community here) Ha! Surprise, I can actually be more vulnerable than what I write here
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  #1820  
Old 07-22-2013, 07:56 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
It's not covered and is ususually around $100 a session.
That's about what they charge here in the LA area too. Although, it can range from anywhere between $75 - $300+/hr. Many here do sliding scales based on income. My insurance doesn't cover it either, or it didn't (new policy as of July 1 and I'm not familiar with what they cover yet).
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